uwBPD - wants new job AND to leave?

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

List,

It has been awhile since I last posted... .but the relationship with my uBPD wife is not improving.  

We both attended therapy for some months, but she quit.  I continue to attend.  I even tried another therapist (another woman who I thought we be less threatening to the wife - but she refused to see her either).  Both have diagnosed her with BPD.

Anyway the wife has chosen to leave her job as a Christian school administrator (where my 11yr old son also attends).  In the process of helping the school board find her replacement, she has found another, much more "prestigious" administrator position at another Christian school several states away.  In fact the possible new job is in the same town that her very wealthy real dad and step mom live.  Her real dad abandoned her and her birth mom before she was born.  We all have a very good relationship with them now, however.

Her recent attitude has been the best I have seen in a long time.  She has said many times that she wishes to get rid of me, and the only thing holding her back was not being able to support herself ("and MY son".  

We both graduated from University and she used her degree for the first few years of our marriage.  She then found that she hated her field and never went back.  I advanced in my field and we have lived reasonably well for some time.  I never pressured her to work... .so she was free to dabble in all sorts of things (church secretary, church worship director, school teacher, school administrator).  She has been free to buy nice clothes/shoes and take nice vacations all this time.  

Now she is almost ecstatic at the prospect of leaving me.  My son asked me last night if I have a job in the new city.  I told him that I don't and I would have to stay here.  He then said, "That means it will either be mom and I, or you and I, Dad."  And he is right.

My questions to the board revolves around her "giddiness" in applying and really hoping to get that position.  I thought Borderlines feared abandonment?  She WANTS to leave me.  I don't know what we will do with regard to my son if she does get that job.  She called and talked to her real dad last night about it.  I did not listen in... .but would not he want to know why I was not coming along?

Sorry for the scattered, incoherent rambling.  This development literally came "out of the blue" and I don't know what will happen next.  I am concerned for my son, not me.  Just when I thought things could not get worse... .

[Keep]

List,

It has been awhile since I last posted... .but the relationship with my uBPD wife is not improving.  

We both attended therapy for some months, but she quit.  I continue to attend.  I even tried another therapist (another woman who I thought we be less threatening to the wife - but she refused to see her either).  Both have diagnosed her with BPD.

Anyway the wife has chosen to leave her job as a Christian school administrator (where my 11yr old son also attends).  In the process of helping the school board find her replacement, she has found another, much more "prestigious" administrator position at another Christian school several states away.  In fact the possible new job is in the same town that her very wealthy real dad and step mom live.  Her real dad abandoned her and her birth mom before she was born.  We all have a very good relationship with them now, however.

Her recent attitude has been the best I have seen in a long time.  She has said many times that she wishes to get rid of me, and the only thing holding her back was not being able to support herself ("and MY son".  

We both graduated from University and she used her degree for the first few years of our marriage.  She then found that she hated her field and never went back.  I advanced in my field and we have lived reasonably well for some time.  I never pressured her to work... .so she was free to dabble in all sorts of things (church secretary, church worship director, school teacher, school administrator).  She has been free to buy nice clothes/shoes and take nice vacations all this time.  

Now she is almost ecstatic at the prospect of leaving me.  My son asked me last night if I have a job in the new city.  I told him that I don't and I would have to stay here.  He then said, "That means it will either be mom and I, or you and I, Dad."  And he is right.

My questions to the board revolves around her "giddiness" in applying and really hoping to get that position.  I thought Borderlines feared abandonment?  She WANTS to leave me.  I don't know what we will do with regard to my son if she does get that job.  She called and talked to her real dad last night about it.  I did not listen in... .but would not he want to know why I was not coming along?

Sorry for the scattered, incoherent rambling.  This development literally came "out of the blue" and I don't know what will happen next.  I am concerned for my son, not me.  Just when I thought things could not get worse... .

[Loosestrife]

Hi,

This is an impossible and stressful situation you and your son are in. Have you tried talking to your wife about how you feel (i.e tell her you love her and want to make it work for now ) and that your son is also stressed about the situation?

L

[Keep]

Thanks for the reply, Loose.

I don't know what to say to her.  We cannot talk about anything but superficial stuff without her exploding.  The way she can completely whip back and forth from kind/happy/enjoyable person to a screaming/raging monster in 5 minutes or less is incredible.  

I have told her over and over that I want to work together to fix this.  She refuses.  "I am not the one who needs to change!," she says. Everything is my fault.  Things will never get better.  I did this to her, etc.  I know I screwed up and made lots of mistakes (not affairs, stealing etc.)... .but don't we all make mistakes?  She has told me in every argument that she will never, ever forgive me.  I see that without that a relationship is not possible.  I am always beaten over the head with every future mistake I make.  I cannot overcome my mistakes of the past.

Sigh.  I am just really, really tired.  I want my son to have some future and not be permanently scarred by this.  Kids are resilient, but maybe I am already too late... .

[LeonVa]

@Keep, I don't know what to say, it seems like an impossible situation and with BPDs, when they become outright selfish and giddy, at least for me, there is nothing i could do... .

I feel you bro, I really do.

[Loosestrife]

Could you write her a letter, offering to go to T together and that if she doesn't want to try to resolve things you want her to be happy and support an amicable split for your son's sake?.

[Keep]

Thanks for the help, guys.

Well, as these things always do, stuff changed 180 degrees last night.

The wife came home bubbly and as happy as I have ever seen her.  Joking, being really kind.  She even played tag/wrestling with the son and I (she never does anything fun-related with us though we always ask her).

Anyway I came back into the kitchen to clean up after dinner (that is my job, along with fixing/serving the meal most nights) and she was talking with the son.  She says, "So I hear you have told him that if I get this job you will not come with me."  I said yes, he had asked me about it and I told him that I could not.  I told her " I don't have anything down there.   My job pays for the house, our cars, our health insurance, everything.  What can I do?"

She then said in the normal BPD bitter, sarcastic, demeaning tone, "Ah, I see.  I get it now"

I said (trying to be validating) "I know this job is important to you.  What do you want me to do?"

"I am not talking to you about this."

"I need your help.  We need to talk.  What do you want me to do?"

"I am not talking to you about this."

She then left the kitchen, took her shower, and went to bed. 

This morning I knew things would go one of two ways.  Either she would come back to reality and realize that there is no way I could leave my job to follow her across the country (and somehow move all our stuff, have no insurance) and restart with only her job paying less than half of what I make now... .or things would get even worse between us (if that is possible).

I gave her her wake-up kiss and she said good morning.  When she came into the kitchen I volunteered to pick up some vitamins she had said yesterday that she needed.  "I will get them myself, thanks," she said in the same flat, derogatory tone.  "Ok," I said, "Have a good day and I will see you tonight."  I gave her another small kiss on the back of the head (she always turns away from me).  "Bye" she said.

Sigh.  Such is our life.

Conclusion:

I knew her new found "happiness" was false.  It was all an illusion that she made up considering the new job.  It is as if she is living in another reality.  Now that she has crashed back to ground (I think) I don't know what is going to happen.  She may apply, get the job and leave, or ?

I am resigned either way.  I think even my son is at that point.  God help us now. 

[LeonVa]

man, that's the exact same emotional abuse I experienced. The reaction is SOO similar.

Eventually, I just stopped being nice and kind, but not mean. I felt they really take advantage and feed on your kindness. Time to treat yourself right and live the life you want to live.  You have to show that so they can't abuse you emotionally like that. If she wants to leave then leave.  Unfortunately for your son, he got stuck in between though.  

But anyway, better use the tool here and learn how to setup boundaries properly.

Here are some readings for you.

(FOG)

https://bpdfamily.com/content/emotional-blackmail-fear-obligation-and-guilt-fog

(Boundaries)

https://bpdfamily.com/content/values-and-boundaries



Stay strong bro.

[Keep]

Thanks Leon,

I am certainly in a FOG, that is for sure.

I just keep praying that things will finally go one way or the other (stay and work things out, or she leaves).  :)id you and your SO work things out?

I am hanging in there (for my son).  Even so, the slow, agonizing death of a relationship does take a devastating toll... .

[patientandclear]

In answer to your initial question, for someone with BPD, losing you because of her own choice is not the same as being abandoned by you.  Someone else leaving is the intolerable idea.  Them leaving is them taking control of the possibility of hurt.  If they decide it themselves the loss is much more tolerable.

If you are waiting around for her to decide to value you & the marriage and decide to stay, you are waiting in vain.  Why don't you tell her to go ahead and leave if that's where she's at?  You can explain that it is not what you want, but also make clear that if this is the idea she wants to explore, she needs to go ahead & go, as this limbo is too painful.  To stay around waiting for her decision is giving her permission to abuse you emotionally.

[LeonVa]

I agree with @patientandclear. I think that's the way to go in retrospect of what happened to me.

I have a 2.5 year old son with my ex-wife. Just like you, I fought hard to NOT break up the family for the sake of my son and she stayed two times for the sake of my son as well. We both love our son that's for sure, or at least that's my view anyway.

But in the few month leading up to the final blow out, she constantly brought up the divorce paper which she drafted a year ago, ask me to sign if I don't want to stay marry to her and if I don't love her anymore. I always resisted and told her that I love her and I love our family, I won't sign the paper for no good reasons.  Meanwhile, treated her like how you treat your wife, be nice and thoughtful, well, they didn't matter. 

One day, due to an incident, she called cops on me for not good reasons and I gave up. I lost hope. I had an extinction burst and that was the end of us.

Like I said, I should have gotten a lawyer and just signed the paper, if that's how you want it, then fine.

I'm not saying that's what you should do, but she's emotionally abusing you that's for sure. 

[LeonVa]

You know, I just remembered that something similar happened 2 years before my divorce, I don't know why it didn't click with me before.

My wife wanted a job out of state as well, but at the time, I knew she was bluffing (not the case with your wife if I'm not mistaken), so I told her jokingly  (very important),  "You are crazy hon, you think it's easy to go out there, start a new life in a strange environment when you can get the same stuff around our area? But go ahead if you think that works, I'm just saying it's silly seriously" and I never heard of her talking about it again.

Not sure if that helps, but that's how I said to her.

[Keep]

Thanks again Patient and Leon,

Leon - Wow.  Your story does sound eerily similar to mine.  The wife and I have been married for 24 yrs.  My son will be 12 in January.  Except for the first yr or so (which was the true BPD honeymoon), things have gotten progressively worse.  In associating with the wife's mom and grandmother I can see the same BPD-style behavior there.  The wife had a horrible childhood and I know this is where this all comes from.  The crisis is that now I am the cause of everything bad.  Guess I am the constant "black" in her near constant splitting.  

As the son grows up he is seeing that his mom is vindictive and unstable.  I think is realizing that it may not be a bad thing not to have her around.  She is always on him for something and it is causing him anger related issues.  I can see it.  He and I talk and I am able to help him work through it.  He tells me though that someday he is going to yell right back at her.  I get the feeling he will turn "black" to her then too.

I think this dynamic is the key.  She says over and over that she will never forgive me.  Truth is she cannot forgive anyone.  All are eventually black.   If this never changes, what kind of relationship (with me, our son, anyone) is possible?