Going no contact (the importance of makings lists ?)

[Depression = 72% of members]

Good morning everyone,

Yesterday I managed my first day of no contact with my partner of 4 years who exhibits almost all the traits of BPD.

Yesterday was a real struggle and there were various points at which I wanted to message her / send her a voicemail / look at old photographs of us.  I felt anxious and sad thinking of the good moments etc but I was able to catch myself and not try to communicate with her.  I did this by making a list of all the bad things she has said/done to me, a list of all the good things I have going for me and a list of where I can be in the next 2 years.

It really helped to strengthen my mind in those moments of weakness when I wanted to contact her.

The list of bad things she has said/done went on for pages and pages.  I won't go into it all but actually writing them down and seeing them in bullet points was like pinching myself to open up my eyes.

- Punching me in the street

- Humiliating me in front of my friends

- Calling me a sexual failure

- Showing me screenshots of her taking to other guys

- Cutting herself on web camera so that I could see her suffering

- Telling me that she hates me

Who would want to be with such a person ?

The list of good things I have going for me then really helped me to see that I do not need her in my life.

I have money / a great career / friends that I love / my health /

and the list of where I can be in 2 years showed me

I can be promoted in my job / I Can learn to play the piano / I can be with and maybe married to someone who treats me nicely / I can work on developing my hobbies.

My point is that the process of writing those 3 lists was really beneficial and I was interested to see if other people who have gone through this also used lists as way to help maintian no contact ?

The document containing my lists is titled "STAY AWAY - DO NOT FORGET WHAT SHE HAS DONE - THIS IS YOUR LAST CHANCE TO WALK AWAY"

[Jimmyfran]

Good morning everyone,

Yesterday I managed my first day of no contact with my partner of 4 years who exhibits almost all the traits of BPD.

Yesterday was a real struggle and there were various points at which I wanted to message her / send her a voicemail / look at old photographs of us.  I felt anxious and sad thinking of the good moments etc but I was able to catch myself and not try to communicate with her.  I did this by making a list of all the bad things she has said/done to me, a list of all the good things I have going for me and a list of where I can be in the next 2 years.

It really helped to strengthen my mind in those moments of weakness when I wanted to contact her.

The list of bad things she has said/done went on for pages and pages.  I won't go into it all but actually writing them down and seeing them in bullet points was like pinching myself to open up my eyes.

- Punching me in the street

- Humiliating me in front of my friends

- Calling me a sexual failure

- Showing me screenshots of her taking to other guys

- Cutting herself on web camera so that I could see her suffering

- Telling me that she hates me

Who would want to be with such a person ?

The list of good things I have going for me then really helped me to see that I do not need her in my life.

I have money / a great career / friends that I love / my health /

and the list of where I can be in 2 years showed me

I can be promoted in my job / I Can learn to play the piano / I can be with and maybe married to someone who treats me nicely / I can work on developing my hobbies.

My point is that the process of writing those 3 lists was really beneficial and I was interested to see if other people who have gone through this also used lists as way to help maintian no contact ?

The document containing my lists is titled "STAY AWAY - DO NOT FORGET WHAT SHE HAS DONE - THIS IS YOUR LAST CHANCE TO WALK AWAY"

[ReclaimingMyLife]

WAY TO GO, JimmyFran!  Getting thru your first day NC is a MAJOR accomplishment!  Congrats and STICK WITH IT!

Great work on the lists too.  How smart and effective.  60 day NC is my b/u rule-of-thumb to acclimate to no longer having that go-to person in my life (emotionally/physically/socially).  I usually extend NC to 4-6 months which has allowed for genuine friendliness w/o leftover resentment.  I find it VERY effective under "normal" circumstances.

Magnify that times ten or one hundred for getting over a r/s with a pwBPD.  NC is that much MORE important and, likewise, that much harder.  I think the bedrock of success with NC is doing exactly what you have done with your lists: stepping out of the fantasy and back into REALITY.

Interestingly, it seems our b/u tendency is to make the past rosy ("was the love of my life") while we doom future ("I'll never love/be loved like that again").  When the TRUTH is actually the OPPOSITE.  The past was B A D (videos of her hurting herself) and the future is what can be rosy and bright ("get promoted, learn to play guitar, be with someone who treats me nicely").  

Your lists confirm the TRUTH.  Stick with that so you can do the hard work to get thru NC and to the future you want and know you can have.  

[zundertowz]

WAY TO GO, JimmyFran!  Getting thru your first day NC is a MAJOR accomplishment!  Congrats and STICK WITH IT!

Great work on the lists too.  How smart and effective.  60 day NC is my b/u rule-of-thumb to acclimate to no longer having that go-to person in my life (emotionally/physically/socially).  I usually extend NC to 4-6 months which has allowed for genuine friendliness w/o leftover resentment.  I find it VERY effective under "normal" circumstances.

Magnify that times ten or one hundred for getting over a r/s with a pwBPD.  NC is that much MORE important and, likewise, that much harder.  I think the bedrock of success with NC is doing exactly what you have done with your lists: stepping out of the fantasy and back into REALITY.

Interestingly, it seems our b/u tendency is to make the past rosy ("was the love of my life") while we doom future ("I'll never love/be loved like that again").  When the TRUTH is actually the OPPOSITE.  The past was B A D (videos of her hurting herself) and the future is what can be rosy and bright ("get promoted, learn to play guitar, be with someone who treats me nicely"). 

Your lists confirm the TRUTH.  Stick with that so you can do the hard work to get thru NC and to the future you want and know you can have.   

This works well... .whenever I think posotive thoughts about my ex I reread old txts that I saved that were abusive.

[newtothis28]

  We will support you!

[dagwoodbowser]

All great things JimmyFran. The most important tool you now have that I didnt have after my first recycle was this place. I did the list and no matter how hard I tried all I could come up on the Good Side were 4 things, yet even seeing that in black and white didnt stop the intense emotions I felt and at times still do. Learn about compartmentalization. Right now you're in the thick of strong negative emotions but at some point your brain will start to sneak in those nice, sweet moments about you and your BPDx. So pin your list somewhere you can see it often.

That's what got me into trouble and had me do multiple recycles. Each recycle is not like some sort of after shock after the first big earthquake of her leaving you or first break up. Things actually get more intense after you try and make it work. The idealism may be there, but it's very short lived and all the negatives of being involved with someone with this emotional instability becomes more and more draining and intense.

However, your best tool is N/C. Not for her, not for the relationship. For you to disconnect and detach.

Just keep at it bud... .one day at a time.

[ReclaimingMyLife]

PS   Altho 60 Days no excuses NC is my standard b/u rule, in this case with my UexBPDbf it is permanent NC.    The way it ended (stalking,  threats to my well being and that of my children) means there will never be friendship or even friendliness.  I look forward to being fRee of resentments and indifferent but am very clear that door is never to be opened,  cracked or even acknowledged were he to knock on it again.

As dogwood bowser said,  when feelings of longing,  curiosity,  doubt,  etc.  arise,  which they inevitably will,  I remind myself that my currently "addicted mind" is not to be trusted.  I have to withdraw from the relationship,  get sober from the FOG,  and until then I cannot trust myself, my motives,  my rationalizations,  my worries,  my fears.   As such,  rule is NO Excuses No Contact.

That said,  I started with a new therapist on Friday and am already pretty sure this nightmare will be the source of ME giving the best gifts of my life to me.   I am ready to go in there w/o my ego and pride,  lay it all out there completely bare,  and heal like never before.   I am pumped for that and the future is bright!

[DyingLove]

Good morning everyone,

Yesterday I managed my first day of no contact with my partner of 4 years who exhibits almost all the traits of BPD.

Yesterday was a real struggle and there were various points at which I wanted to message her / send her a voicemail / look at old photographs of us.  I felt anxious and sad thinking of the good moments etc but I was able to catch myself and not try to communicate with her.  I did this by making a list of all the bad things she has said/done to me, a list of all the good things I have going for me and a list of where I can be in the next 2 years.

It really helped to strengthen my mind in those moments of weakness when I wanted to contact her.

The list of bad things she has said/done went on for pages and pages.  I won't go into it all but actually writing them down and seeing them in bullet points was like pinching myself to open up my eyes.

- Punching me in the street

- Humiliating me in front of my friends

- Calling me a sexual failure

- Showing me screenshots of her taking to other guys

- Cutting herself on web camera so that I could see her suffering

- Telling me that she hates me

Who would want to be with such a person ?

The list of good things I have going for me then really helped me to see that I do not need her in my life.

I have money / a great career / friends that I love / my health /

and the list of where I can be in 2 years showed me

I can be promoted in my job / I Can learn to play the piano / I can be with and maybe married to someone who treats me nicely / I can work on developing my hobbies.

My point is that the process of writing those 3 lists was really beneficial and I was interested to see if other people who have gone through this also used lists as way to help maintian no contact ?

The document containing my lists is titled "STAY AWAY - DO NOT FORGET WHAT SHE HAS DONE - THIS IS YOUR LAST CHANCE TO WALK AWAY"

This is Friggin EXCELLENT!   I'm going to do it too!  Thank you!  ... .and I'm glad for you too... .

[Jimmyfran]

This forum has been a saviour and reading some of the posts/forums has been like reading an exert from my life over the past 4 years (the similarities are so striking).

I am concerned as was said above that my heart may start creeping in and reflecting on good memories and so I have printed all my lists off and scanned them on my phone so that no matter where I am - the lists are at hand when I feel I want to contact her/tell her I love her.

Since yesterday I have added further to my lists and also created a new list which is "Removing her from my life"

- deleting every photograph that contains her (I am dreading this)

- blocking her telephone numbers

- removal from social media

- requesting my friends block on social media so i cant be stalked

- listening to all the songs that remind me of her and learning to disassociate those songs from her

- I have a box of memories which i need to either burn or take to the tip/junk yard ( I think burning will be more symbolic and final

- I also have lots of her clothes which I am not gonna return unless she pays for the shipping (spend enough already on pleasing her).   

The above list is my closure and acceptance (I am not there yet in terms of doing all those due to wanting to go day by day)  but they are on the to do list.

Have a good day

[DyingLove]

The photo part really is hard.  I deleted about 6 or 8 thousand photos one day... .man was I angry and it felt good to do it... .but the next time, I had trouble deleting any more.  So I feel for you there without a doubt.  I know I would do good to delete anyone having to do with her... .but then I feel like I am losing any connection I had, which I know is the point of it, but the THOUGHT of it hurts. The songs and movies really suck suck suck.  We used to watch movies together, like guardians of the galaxy, and to watch it just ONE STINKIN' TIME since I've been back in NY was hard hard hard.  I can just feel her laying next to me watching it too... .so very painful.  I am a movie buff, and I've shared so many funny lines with her... .when I say them now, I immediately think of her, or I just don't wanna say or know them anymore.  MUSIC!  Almost any reference of love or a woman or closeness KILLS ME!  Took me so long to be able to listen to Katy Perry firework, because THE INTERVIEW is another fav movie.  But that tune reminds me of the 9yo and all the kid movies that had it in it.  Damn, it's only 8:35am, I'm not finished with my first cup of coffee and I wanna cry. damn damn damn