contact

[arlers]

Hi there, I dropped off an old pair of gaiters (for walking) belonging to my ex (non-diagnosed BPD) on Monday, - left them in a bag on her workshop door handle and did not expect to hear from her. I did have the option of binning them. I have not spoken to her or seen her in person for 5 months. We broke up first time 2 yrs ago and I got reinvolved twice - all times I broke it off. She texted me however, saying 'thanks and asking if I was 'ok' and keeping well?' I ignored her as I was furious that her attitude was let's just ignore all the crap I put you through and pretend we're pals attitude but then today I decided to 'let her off the hook' andbe civil. I replied today saying. 'Thanks I am well and getting on with my life'. Her response (none was required) 'ditto'. Why could she not have said: 'That's great, glad to hear it' or some such polite response. This is typical of her hot and cold behaviour. WHY did I bother trying to be civil? Or am I being unreasonable here?

[DyingLove]

Hi there, I dropped off an old pair of gaiters (for walking) belonging to my ex (non-diagnosed BPD) on Monday, - left them in a bag on her workshop door handle and did not expect to hear from her. I did have the option of binning them. I have not spoken to her or seen her in person for 5 months. We broke up first time 2 yrs ago and I got reinvolved twice - all times I broke it off. She texted me however, saying 'thanks and asking if I was 'ok' and keeping well?' I ignored her as I was furious that her attitude was let's just ignore all the crap I put you through and pretend we're pals attitude but then today I decided to 'let her off the hook' andbe civil. I replied today saying. 'Thanks I am well and getting on with my life'. Her response (none was required) 'ditto'. Why could she not have said: 'That's great, glad to hear it' or some such polite response. This is typical of her hot and cold behaviour. WHY did I bother trying to be civil? Or am I being unreasonable here?

What kind of responses did she do when you were together... .or in other instances.  Is her ":)ITTO" really any more or less than she would have normally made?  This was a response, versus an opening text like you described. That's why I'm asking.

[Mister Brightside]

Remember, you're dealing with a child in an adult's body. Rarely will that result in her acting with common sense. But based on what we know about BPD, we shouldn't be too surprised by her acting like nothing happened in the past (too much shame involved).

It's unreasonable to expect civility from someone with a personality disorder, which is why no contact is preached. Your experience with her shortness of words is not uncommon though. I could get long e-mails, long text messages, and long phone calls, but once abandonment becomes a fear (which it obviously is since you broke up twice), don't expect many words from them.

[arlers]

Hi I had 'ditto' yexts from her before - usually when she could not be bothered with me - in the discard or devalue stage. Appreciate the comments. People seem to be saying that her behaviour - BPD behaviour in general - hot and cold, spliting, abusing, projecting shutting down etc is the illness, not a premeditated step. Is that the case? So really BPDs can't help. Themselves? In which case it's best to keep a wide berth, esp if they are in DENIAL as mine is.

[mitatsu]

Hi I had 'ditto' yexts from her before - usually when she could not be bothered with me - in the discard or devalue stage. Appreciate the comments. People seem to be saying that her behaviour - BPD behaviour in general - hot and cold, spliting, abusing, projecting shutting down etc is the illness, not a premeditated step. Is that the case? So really BPDs can't help. Themselves? In which case it's best to keep a wide berth, esp if they are in DENIAL as mine is.

Nope they cannot help themselves if undiagnosed and not getting treatment... .doesnt mean they are not responsible for their actions though you cannot reward bad behaviour and expect change its a toughy

[jhkbuzz]

To the O.P.:  I did something similar recently; dropped off two boxes while she wasn't home, it was about 8 months post b/u.  She texted a simple "thank you" later that night, but I chose not to respond.

Life is simpler and calmer that way

[Mutt]

Why could she not have said: 'That's great, glad to hear it' or some such polite response.

I'm sorry to hear that.

It would be a validating statement.

I seldom get validating statements from my uBPDex and it can feel like you are running a marathon when you do receive a statement that's validating from a pwBPD.

You did a kind gesture arlers.

[Loosestrife]

I agree, it was a kind gesture

How do you feel about it now?

[arlers]

I am glad I was civil but her behaviour just confirms for me how dysregulated she truly is emotionally. I will not be making any contact in future and if she contacts me I will tell her straight to leave me alone and stop playing cat and mouse with people's lives... .in the most civil way I can. OR I will ignore her. Thanks for all your comments and support.