Was it real?

[Beach_Babe]

I am so depressed today. Just how someone could not miss me or have any fond memories after 14 years. Maybe it really was all a lie?

I had a few good days so I dont know why today I feel this way.

[Mutt]

Hi Beach_Babe, 

Just how someone could not miss me or have any fond memories after 14 years.

I'm sorry to hear you're having a tough day

A pwBPD may see you as all bad and then it may change to all good and have difficulties bringing together the positive and negative qualities.

Was there a trigger today that made you feel this way after a few good days?

[dagwoodbowser]

Sux you're having a bad day. I dont think there's anyone here, 10 days, 100 or 500 days out that doesnt still have them. Oddly, yesterday was day 39 for me and I was all over map as well as ready to crack and was actually exploring ways to make contact. Things had been going really well. There were no triggers I know of... .it just happened. However I made it to day 40!

Was it real? I ask that question all the time cause the Words that oozed like milk and honey from her mouth never matched up with Actions. At the end of the day and where you're at and hope to go and be soon does it matter?

Elkhart Tolle quote "You cant change the past and cant predict the future. You can live in the past or obsess about the future but it will only prevent you from experiencing the Now"

Another day will pass and you'll add another chip to your stack. You can do it!

[Blimblam]

Babe,

Was it real?  What was real what is real.  Man I struggled with that hard! How my ex could be so cold to me.  It's just I reminded her of the pain she's running from and she then saw me as that pain and ran from me.

The affection was real the emotions were all real. 

Everything you felt was real to you and every thing he felt was real to him.

[Beach_Babe]

Mutt: no specific trigger, just the realization he is gone.

dagwood: congrats on making it to day 40.  I just envy their ability to not hurt at all, erase us and move forward without a care. 14 YEARS my life was intertwined with this person. Dont they leave with ANY fond memories?

Blimbam:but its pain THEY caused. why do I deserve it ? I cant wish him well hes not human

[Blimblam]

Lol he's not human?  Was he a figment of your imagination?

No one deserves to suffer. He doesn't deserve the disorder. The deserve narrative is what you are struggling with and is punishing you.  The pain you feel is a valid part of your experience and it is nothing to be ashamed of. 

Accept your pain and it will get easier.

[drummerboy]

Don't be so sure that they don't feel pain. Mine did the disappearing act but I recently found out from a mutual friend that she went into a deep depression for six months after she disappeared. I think us nons have no idea of the pain they are in continually.

Best advice for dealing with the pain was reading Pema Chodron books. To lean into the pain, to really feel it and not suppress it is how we heal. It's a slow process but you come out the other side a much stronger and compassionate person.

Mutt: no specific trigger, just the realization he is gone.

dagwood: congrats on making it to day 40.  I just envy their ability to not hurt at all, erase us and move forward without a care. 14 YEARS my life was intertwined with this person. Dont they leave with ANY fond memories?

Blimbam:but its pain THEY caused. why do I deserve it ? I cant wish him well hes not human

[dobie]

Babe,

Was it real?  What was real what is real.  Man I struggled with that hard! How my ex could be so cold to me.  It's just I reminded her of the pain she's running from and she then saw me as that pain and ran from me.

The affection was real the emotions were all real.  

Everything you felt was real to you and every thing he felt was real to him.

Thanks for this blimblam my x addmited "not all the r/s was bad" and that I'm not the total source of her misery but yes this is the projection side they use us as containers for their pain  there's very little grey areas in their minds


Beech : I got the same no fond memories after six years no thanks for this and that a mild ackowledgment that we had some good times via my bro when he put her on the spot this is splitting beech see above for the reason

[Achaya]

I am struggling with this too today, 7 days after being dumped for the final time. I don't know why I keep this question going, about how the love part could have been real, considering that now she suddenly just wants a friendship or something like that. Maybe I am projecting the thinking of a more normal person onto my ex. If she were normal, then not being in love now would probably mean she wasn't that much in love a short while ago. I am beginning to suspect that BPD people don't operate this way. In their world, maybe you can really love someone for a while, then be really indifferent for a while, and then back again. I don't find it helpful to continue to dwell on my ex's complex psychology, but it can help me to remind myself that contradictions aren't as troubling to her as they are to me. During the time I was with her, when she had internal conflict about something, she would pretty much always "try to not think about it," as her primary way of resolving inconsistencies. Non BPDs are bothered by all the different messages and states of mind, but the BPDs probably aren't. That part isn't because they don't love us, it's about how they generally cope with multiple states, multiple viewpoints.