A few questions about moving on

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I'm sure everyone's a bit different, but at what point did you finally get over your BPD relationship? Did it take a certain length of time, a goal/hobby to take your mind off them, getting into a new relationship? The only thing that has relieved my frustration at all so far is pursuing other girls. Nothing has worked out yet, so I inevitably go back to thinking about my ex. Has anyone else had a similar experience, especially the other men who post here?

[Bensonshays]

I'm sure everyone's a bit different, but at what point did you finally get over your BPD relationship? Did it take a certain length of time, a goal/hobby to take your mind off them, getting into a new relationship? The only thing that has relieved my frustration at all so far is pursuing other girls. Nothing has worked out yet, so I inevitably go back to thinking about my ex. Has anyone else had a similar experience, especially the other men who post here?

[Reforming]

Hi Bensonhays

I don't know if I found one thing that's helped me get over my ex and I think that recovery varies depending on your age, the duration of the relationship, whether your ex cheated on you, the particular dynamics of your relationship and your own issues

I did see someone for a while shortly after my relationship ended. It didn't last long, but for a while it certainly helped to distract me from the sadness and rumination. It was really nice to be with someone who made me feel loved and special I also realised that I wasn't ready or whole enough to have a healthy relationship with someone.

The other things that have helped are therapy, getting fit, which lifted my mood and helped me to feel better about myself, educating myself about the disorder, learning to understand myself better and time.

I don't think there's a quick fix. I do think that investing some time in my your healing is an investment in your future and happiness.

This site has been a huge help and it's worth exploring

There are some very useful links which have guided me through the healing process

Healing the big picture

https://bpdfamily.com/bpdresources/nk_a109.htm#1

Keep posting

Reforming

[Bensonshays]

Hi Bensonhays

I don't know if I found one thing that's helped me get over my ex and I think that recovery varies depending on your age, the duration of the relationship, whether your ex cheated on you, the particular dynamics of your relationship and your own issues

I did see someone for a while shortly after my relationship ended. It didn't last long, but for a while it certainly helped to distract me from the sadness and rumination. It was really nice to be with someone who made me feel loved and special I also realised that I wasn't ready or whole enough to have a healthy relationship with someone.

The other things that have helped are therapy, getting fit, which lifted my mood and helped me to feel better about myself, educating myself about the disorder, learning to understand myself better and time.

I don't think there's a quick fix. I do think that investing some time in my your healing is an investment in your future and happiness.

This site has been a huge help and it's worth exploring

There are some very useful links which have guided me through the healing process

Healing the big picture

https://bpdfamily.com/bpdresources/nk_a109.htm#1

Keep posting

Reforming

Would you say you're completely over it now?

[going places]

I'm sure everyone's a bit different, but at what point did you finally get over your BPD relationship? Did it take a certain length of time, a goal/hobby to take your mind off them, getting into a new relationship? The only thing that has relieved my frustration at all so far is pursuing other girls. Nothing has worked out yet, so I inevitably go back to thinking about my ex. Has anyone else had a similar experience, especially the other men who post here?

It is different for everyone.

I chose to do the opposite, I do not date.

I am 10 months post divorce (25 years).

There is NO WAY I would date right now.

1. I am moving in 2 months.

2. I do not want to repeat mistakes, due to the years of 'conditioning' and abuse.

3. I need to get to know ME.

4. I need to get ME healthy.

5. I do not want to emotionally involve anyone else. I don't want someone to invest in me, when I am not ready to reciprocate.

Time, retraining the brain to think in healthy ways, coming to FULL forgivness of the the ex.

I have to be 100% (or dang close) to healthy before I involve another person.

[once removed]

at give or take one year, i had completely detached and depersonalized and was ready to see other people again. time was necessary for every stage. most of the pain will heal in spite of ourselves. its looking inward that sort of applies the necessary "cast" for healing. "a goal/hobby to take your mind off them," is a great example. some steps, at first, might be taken with a focus on "taking your mind off them." with time, its just a new or old goal/hobby.

"The only thing that has relieved my frustration at all so far is pursuing other girls. Nothing has worked out yet, so I inevitably go back to thinking about my ex."

theres little sense in making another person a bandaid. if nothing has worked out yet, and the result is thinking about your ex, that suggests rather obviously that youre seeking people to relieve you from the pain from the BPD relationship. this is not likely to work out well. dont avoid the pain. face it. another person is not the solution here. and frankly, when we havent resolved our issues, it makes us on some level, emotionally unavailable. something that doesnt have a high success rate with relationships.

none of that is to say im not guilty. i reached out to females in lots of ways in the immediate aftermath. i was hurting and its not even so much that i wanted a quick fix as it is i wanted to remind myself i was loveable/likeable. companionship from the opposite sex can take many forms. if you want to be around women, be around them, but be around them as friends. be a friend to them, let them be a friend to you, enjoy each others company, learn from each other. this can actually be more fulfilling than a romantic relationship. being around healthy members of the opposite sex and having a healthy relationship is a powerful healing and learning experience   .

[Reforming]

Hi Bensonhays

I don't know if I found one thing that's helped me get over my ex and I think that recovery varies depending on your age, the duration of the relationship, whether your ex cheated on you, the particular dynamics of your relationship and your own issues

I did see someone for a while shortly after my relationship ended. It didn't last long, but for a while it certainly helped to distract me from the sadness and rumination. It was really nice to be with someone who made me feel loved and special I also realised that I wasn't ready or whole enough to have a healthy relationship with someone.

The other things that have helped are therapy, getting fit, which lifted my mood and helped me to feel better about myself, educating myself about the disorder, learning to understand myself better and time.

I don't think there's a quick fix. I do think that investing some time in my your healing is an investment in your future and happiness.

This site has been a huge help and it's worth exploring

There are some very useful links which have guided me through the healing process

Healing the big picture

https://bpdfamily.com/bpdresources/nk_a109.htm#1

Keep posting

Reforming

Would you say you're completely over it now?

I definitely feel much more detached and I think I've learned to reframe the relationship in a much healthier way.

At times I still feel sadness, but I've come to realise that that's ok. We were together a long time and she was a big part of my life for good and bad. I can't erase our history and it wouldn't be healthy to try

Acceptance can mean learning that you can live with loss and move on.

Reforming

[Bensonshays]

theres little sense in making another person a bandaid. if nothing has worked out yet, and the result is thinking about your ex, that suggests rather obviously that youre seeking people to relieve you from the pain from the BPD relationship. this is not likely to work out well. dont avoid the pain. face it. another person is not the solution here. and frankly, when we havent resolved our issues, it makes us on some level, emotionally unavailable. something that doesnt have a high success rate with relationships.

Interesting. I went out with someone two weeks after being dumped. We had two great dates, but I was still out of sorts and I think she started to sense my desperation. I started doing a lot of the things my ex did to me, texting too often, trying to force the relationship forward etc. It didn't work out, obviously.

But If I don't pursue anyone else, I just ruminate on how much I miss my ex and how much it sucks to be single again. I sort of feel stuck. 

I don't really want friendship from girls right now. I feel like going that route would just add to my frustration.   

[Reforming]

theres little sense in making another person a bandaid. if nothing has worked out yet, and the result is thinking about your ex, that suggests rather obviously that youre seeking people to relieve you from the pain from the BPD relationship. this is not likely to work out well. dont avoid the pain. face it. another person is not the solution here. and frankly, when we havent resolved our issues, it makes us on some level, emotionally unavailable. something that doesnt have a high success rate with relationships.

Interesting. I went out with someone two weeks after being dumped. We had two great dates, but I was still out of sorts and I think she started to sense my desperation. I started doing a lot of the things my ex did to me, texting too often, trying to force the relationship forward etc. It didn't work out, obviously.

I can relate to this. When I dated just after I ended my relationship I love bombed just like my ex did to me  

I felt like I was turning into my ex. We talk about fleas on this site, but I think it takes time to unlearn some of the behaviours that we grow accustomed to during these relationships.

As other posters have said dating just after you've ended a relationship is like going into a supermarket when you're really hungry. There's a strong chance you'll end up buying bad food

And even if you do happen to meet someone who is healthy and available they tend to sense that you're desire for a partner is driven by unhealthy need rather than being truly available

Reforming

[dobie]

I'm seven months out I've dated 12 woman since the BU and they and I know/knew my hearts just not ready

If anything in some ways it made me feel worse because none of them had all her qualities in one package

Looks , smarts , idealisation

I'm at the stage now if it happens it happens but I'm not going to force it , I don't even want sex with another woman that's how screwed up I feel

I don't imagine I will be fully ready for a long time yet

I'm forcing myself to pick up my old hobbies even though my hearts not in it just to have a goal and distraction

Spend time with friends / family and try and be happy on my own (something I've never tried) fix me and try its hard but just forget about her and focus on me

[Bensonshays]

theres little sense in making another person a bandaid. if nothing has worked out yet, and the result is thinking about your ex, that suggests rather obviously that youre seeking people to relieve you from the pain from the BPD relationship. this is not likely to work out well. dont avoid the pain. face it. another person is not the solution here. and frankly, when we havent resolved our issues, it makes us on some level, emotionally unavailable. something that doesnt have a high success rate with relationships.

Interesting. I went out with someone two weeks after being dumped. We had two great dates, but I was still out of sorts and I think she started to sense my desperation. I started doing a lot of the things my ex did to me, texting too often, trying to force the relationship forward etc. It didn't work out, obviously.

I can relate to this. When I dated just after I ended my relationship I love bombed just like my ex did to me  

I felt like I was turning into my ex. We talk about fleas on this site, but I think it takes time to unlearn some of the behaviours that we grow accustomed to during these relationships.

As other posters have said dating just after you've ended a relationship is like going into a supermarket when you're really hungry. There's a strong chance you'll end up buying bad food

And even if you do happen to meet someone who is healthy and available they tend to sense that you're desire for a partner is driven by unhealthy need rather than being truly available

Reforming

The strange part is that I knew what I was doing. It felt unnatural to be trying so hard,  but I just told myself,  "The last one left because I was too distant." Ugh. Emotions overwhelming better judgment--again.

I turned into the needy girl who had just dumped me. What a creepy realization. 

[Reforming]

theres little sense in making another person a bandaid. if nothing has worked out yet, and the result is thinking about your ex, that suggests rather obviously that youre seeking people to relieve you from the pain from the BPD relationship. this is not likely to work out well. dont avoid the pain. face it. another person is not the solution here. and frankly, when we havent resolved our issues, it makes us on some level, emotionally unavailable. something that doesnt have a high success rate with relationships.

Interesting. I went out with someone two weeks after being dumped. We had two great dates, but I was still out of sorts and I think she started to sense my desperation. I started doing a lot of the things my ex did to me, texting too often, trying to force the relationship forward etc. It didn't work out, obviously.

I can relate to this. When I dated just after I ended my relationship I love bombed just like my ex did to me  

I felt like I was turning into my ex. We talk about fleas on this site, but I think it takes time to unlearn some of the behaviours that we grow accustomed to during these relationships.

As other posters have said dating just after you've ended a relationship is like going into a supermarket when you're really hungry. There's a strong chance you'll end up buying bad food

And even if you do happen to meet someone who is healthy and available they tend to sense that you're desire for a partner is driven by unhealthy need rather than being truly available

Reforming

The strange part is that I knew what I was doing. It felt unnatural to be trying so hard,  but I just told myself,  "The last one left because I was too distant." Ugh. Emotions overwhelming better judgment--again.

I turned into the needy girl who had just dumped me. What a creepy realization. 

Ha I know how you feel,  

But as you said it isn't who you are. It took me time to fully realise how much I was effected by my relationship.  It's reversible, but it's healthy to recognise it

[BorisAcusio]

"The only thing that has relieved my frustration at all so far is pursuing other girls. Nothing has worked out yet, so I inevitably go back to thinking about my ex."

theres little sense in making another person a bandaid. if nothing has worked out yet, and the result is thinking about your ex, that suggests rather obviously that youre seeking people to relieve you from the pain from the BPD relationship. this is not likely to work out well. dont avoid the pain. face it. another person is not the solution here. and frankly, when we havent resolved our issues, it makes us on some level, emotionally unavailable. something that doesnt have a high success rate with relationships.

I couldn't agree more, in fact, that's exactly what a pwBPD would do as they feel they can not exist without an attachment. It's hard to admit but looking back my relationship history, the fear of abandonment often led to compulsively seeking new attachments. Another great opportunity to learn about our own ways of bonding with others. There was a recent worthwhile discussion about double standards:

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=275839.0

This time, it took more than a year just to genuinely enjoy the company of other women.

[once removed]

i left out the part where i proceeded to get into two relationships that werent just unhealthy for me but out of character, and man, oh man, could i be obsessive. so i relate too.

"I turned into the needy girl who had just dumped me. What a creepy realization."

but at the same time, what a powerful realization. and to be able to admit it to yourself, and admit it to others? powerful. it bears repeating that self awareness is a catalyst to real change.

but lets not invalidate the fact that humans are needy, yourself included. your needs are crying out to be met. except i think youre the one thats best suited to meet them.

whatever you decide to do involving other women, it may sound silly, but i really think the message here is that you need to date yourself. the good news is youre doing some of this. it takes time but its tried and true. but you need to also be kind to yourself in the process. give yourself validation. treat yourself well, and nicely. get to know yourself. hang out with yourself. be your own company. and ultimately, learn to enjoy it.  

[Mister Brightside]

I think it really depends on the length of the relationship and the intensity of the relationship. I only knew my ex-BPD for 3-4 months, and 42 days into no contact, I'm still severely messed in the head due to the intense idealization stage and the power of seduction she employed. Also, 25%-33% (depending on the study) of BPD's also have NPD, which I believe mine did, which has made matters even worse. "Subtle" putdowns she made have really affected my self-esteem.

Added to that, this girl was almost a mirror (even in terms of physical appearance) of another BPD I almost married 10 years ago, so this experience kind of reopened past wounds. This recent BPD doesn't live anywhere near me, thankfully, but she visited my current city, and there are triggers everywhere, otherwise I think this would be a lot easier.

I think I really started to heal with the last ex-BPD when I found myself a compatible relationship. That was probably only a few months later. My psychologist at the time was surprised at my recovery time. I don't suggest just anyone jump into another relationship just to be in a relationship, but if you legitimately find one that makes you happy and isn't a rebound, then there's nothing wrong with it if you can keep yourself from talking about your ex with the current girl.

[Dunder]

What has helped me is

1. Talking to a therapist

2. No contact but also not looking at social media, old emails and text messages.

3. Learning as much as I can about BPD

4. Reading this message board and sharing my experiences with others

5. Journaling and writing reminder messages to myself

6. Resisting the urge to demonize my ex partner

7. Recognizing my role in creating a codependent relationship

8. Seeing the potential for personal growth that this painful experience has provided me

[Reforming]

What has helped me is

1. Talking to a therapist

2. No contact but also not looking at social media, old emails and text messages.

3. Learning as much as I can about BPD

4. Reading this message board and sharing my experiences with others

5. Journaling and writing reminder messages to myself

6. Resisting the urge to demonize my ex partner

7. Recognizing my role in creating a codependent relationship

8. Seeing the potential for personal growth that this painful experience has provided me

Good post dunder

[Bensonshays]

i left out the part where i proceeded to get into two relationships that werent just unhealthy for me but out of character, and man, oh man, could i be obsessive. so i relate too.

"I turned into the needy girl who had just dumped me. What a creepy realization."

but at the same time, what a powerful realization. and to be able to admit it to yourself, and admit it to others? powerful. it bears repeating that self awareness is a catalyst to real change.

Hey, that really struck me, your comments and the mutual observation that we were changing our behavior to accommodate another's dysfunction. I'm actually learning some important things about myself from posting here.   

but lets not invalidate the fact that humans are needy, yourself included. your needs are crying out to be met. except i think youre the one thats best suited to meet them.

But there are a few needs that I'm unable to meet by myself that she was rather skilled at meeting. heh. Seriously, though, the emotional intimacy, deeply bonding with another person, is what I miss most. That's what I'm most eager to find again.

hang out with yourself. be your own company. and ultimately, learn to enjoy it. 

Being an introvert, this was never a challenge for me until this girl dumped me. For the first few weeks after that, I hated being alone. Anything that required sustained focus was nearly impossible. I also remember really enjoying my time alone when we were together because I was around her or talking to her so much.

I think I really started to heal with the last ex-BPD when I found myself a compatible relationship.

Agreed. I feel a little better every time I strike up a conversation with a girl, for trying to move on and pushing through the fear of talking to a stranger who I'm attracted to. I think the key is to avoid jumping into a new relationship because the loneliness hurts. 

[Bensonshays]

It's weird how fleeting our emotions are. I felt really good yesterday,  largely because of what we talked about in this thread. This morning,  though,  I'm back to doubting myself, wondering if I could have made the relationship work,  missing her again. It's been almost three months and I still go up and down like this.

[Bensonshays]

theres little sense in making another person a bandaid. if nothing has worked out yet, and the result is thinking about your ex, that suggests rather obviously that youre seeking people to relieve you from the pain from the BPD relationship. this is not likely to work out well. dont avoid the pain. face it. another person is not the solution here. and frankly, when we havent resolved our issues, it makes us on some level, emotionally unavailable. something that doesnt have a high success rate with relationships.

Interesting. I went out with someone two weeks after being dumped. We had two great dates, but I was still out of sorts and I think she started to sense my desperation. I started doing a lot of the things my ex did to me, texting too often, trying to force the relationship forward etc. It didn't work out, obviously.

I can relate to this. When I dated just after I ended my relationship I love bombed just like my ex did to me  

I felt like I was turning into my ex. We talk about fleas on this site, but I think it takes time to unlearn some of the behaviours that we grow accustomed to during these relationships.

As other posters have said dating just after you've ended a relationship is like going into a supermarket when you're really hungry. There's a strong chance you'll end up buying bad food

And even if you do happen to meet someone who is healthy and available they tend to sense that you're desire for a partner is driven by unhealthy need rather than being truly available

Reforming

The strange part is that I knew what I was doing. It felt unnatural to be trying so hard,  but I just told myself,  "The last one left because I was too distant." Ugh. Emotions overwhelming better judgment--again.

I turned into the needy girl who had just dumped me. What a creepy realization. 

Ha I know how you feel,  

But as you said it isn't who you are. It took me time to fully realise how much I was effected by my relationship.  It's reversible, but it's healthy to recognise it

I just read this again and thought of something. I can be very needy and sensitive to rejection in romantic relationships. I think that's one reason why this girl and I bonded; she struggles with a lot of the same insecurities I've been working on, and I could relate to how she was feeling. But while we were dating, I forced myself to hold back my feelings to a degree, to limit my communication with her, because my neediness always ruined my previous relationships. It really screwed with my compass when she gradually became more irritated with me for this. It melted my self-confidence and I basically threw my hands up and agreed to pay her more attention. Now I'm here trying to work through all the shame I feel for not knowing how to manage the relationship.