When they leave and initiate divorce

[heartbroken25]

I've been separated from my dBPDh for over 2.5 years.  He was the one that left me/ran away (twice while we were married and 3 or 4 times while we were dating).  I married him despite knowing about his illness because he committed to getting DBT therapy for his disorder.  I've been with him a total of 28years/married 13years.   Things were going well within the first few years of our marriage until he decided to bail.  I was devastated.  Couldnt get myself off the couch for weeks.  I wondered "how could this happen, again, hes been in DBT therapy for a few years now?"   Then we recycled and things were moving along until 2.5 years ago when he announced he wanted to separate.  There has been limited contact between us since our separation and the last time we met he was sad, cried and said that he was messed up, didnt know what he was doing, realized hes an unhappy person and thought he was cured.  Also said that the mere thought of divorce made his stomach turn, yet he didnt do anything to work on himself except getting a new replacement.  He doesnt know that I know about her.

I was supposed to meet him this evening to tie up some loose ends related to our finances. and discuss the re-drafting our separation agreement as some things have changed.  Of course he bailed (again) and instead of meeting me face to face, wanted to talk on the phone.  After discussing the finances, he said he would go ahead and file the separation agreement.  This was the first I had heard of him moving forward towards divorce.  So I asked him, are you asking me for a divorce and he said yes.  So I asked, what changed in 6months from the last time you told me that the thought of divorce made your stomach turn?  He was dead silent.  He said he hoped we would still be friends and that there was a lot of blame to go around and that its best for us to move on and make the best of things from here on out. 

How did it happen that he couldn't even face me to ask for a divorce?  I was the one that had to ask, ":)oes this mean you're asking me for a divorce?" Unreal!  I was the one that helped him out of homelessness, got him diagnosed, and into the correct therapy, the one that stuck by him despite knowing the good, the bad and the ugly, the one he blamed for cheating him out of a life, ,yes when he walked out on me this time he stated that I cheated him out of a life.  He has come a long way since I met him.  Got his undergraduate degree, his masters, has a good job, which hes able to sustain thanks to therapy, and my support, but I cheated him out of a life.  And hes the one that want a divorce?  How did I get here?  No kids, no house; nothing but heartache on my part to show for all the years that we were together. He was my best friend and never though we'd ever be apart.  Sometimes I think its all a bad dream.  But maybe the bad dream was my time with him and I am now just waking up?  Please tell me there's hope for me and what I am in store for with him asking and moving forward with divorce?

[Dutched]

Sorry to hear about this rough time, fully understand that you have so much to process!

How did it happen that he couldn't even face me to ask for a divorce?  I was the one that had to ask, ":)oes this mean you're asking me for a divorce?" Unreal!

By leaving you first (with some one lined up or not) a pwBPD is controlling the demolition. Better a pwBPD thinks he/she is controlling the situation based on their coping mechanism (it is their survival in that situation).

As pwBPD have the emotional maturity of a 4-5 yr. old, subsequently they can’t face guild, so they are stuck in shame (shame is a primary reaction, shame secondary).

Based on that, it would be in a way devastating for him to file for divorce. That is why he pushes you to agree, maybe to file for divorce. Then he is free of any blame…

That is, as experienced and written in many topics on this board, part of the dynamic a NON faces in and after a r/s with pwBPD.

Sorry for being blunt, but it has no sense to a pwBPD to remind them about your love, support, the good times, the history together, nor anything else.

When a pwBPD is in survival mode you are the punitive parent.  

As he is already having an affair, that woman is the princess and you are the persecutor, the punitive parent that wants to remind him about values, commitment, love, etc.

Child: ‘mom, I want a cookie’, parent: ‘you can’t have one now’, child: ‘I hate you!’

Maybe it is to abstract as I describe it, but I have been there, had to ask it too, with the same words after exw said in the final uncontrollable outburst  ‘I can’t stand it anymore, I will temporally leave the house for my rest!’.    

Exw had to file, as I refused; took her a 9 months, so it was and became exw’s divorce, not mine.

Until today exw never used the word ‘divorce’, exw can’t.

Refused twice to shake my hand as a goodbye. The reason? Remain friends and doing nice things together after everything was over…

So, until today exw never said goodbye.

Please prepare yourself despite all your emotions! Separate business from emotions in a divorce!

Special with pwBPD, as ‘when the friendship is over, their mask fall off!’

Once a member named Livia, wrote:  

‘They take with no conscience, and leave with no remorse as an emotional 3-4 year old’ -Livia


BTW: you are not being 'replaced', you can't as you are unique! Remember that.

[Mike-X]

I am sorry for all that you have been through. I am sorry that he first asked for the divorce, which seems to have been painful enough for you, but then hasn't acted further on initiating the divorce.

What is it that you want to do? Do you want the divorce at this point?

Again, I am sorry and can imagine how hard this is for you.

[heartbroken25]

Interestingly enough, a year after he left me, we met and I asked him, "what are we doing?  Are we going to work on this relationship, or move towards divorce?"  He replied, " hearing the word divorce makes my stomach turn."  Then I asked, "well what are you doing?  Are you hoping to find someone better?" He replied, "no, there isn't anyone better."   He didn't provide me with any indication that he still wanted to be in this marriage and lord knows I never indicated to him that I was walking away.  A few months after that he was with my 1st "replacement".  Then after being with her for about 7 months or so, we met again and then at that time he said, "I think we should divorce."  Not "I' as in he wanted the divorce but yet in this case it was 'we".  During this meeting, he said that our relationship was never about me and him that it was always about me and my family.  His mother divorced his father due to mental illness and remarried.  When my dBPDh was nine his father died and then at 13 his mother died.  We met when we were both 19 and essentially my family became his family.  They embraced him and especially my brother and him had a very good relationship.  So how could he blame my family?   

A few moths after that meeting (1st replacement and him were not together anymore), he was texting me that he was feeling sorry about our last meeting and conversation (where we should divorce) and was a crying mess and that he was sorry for saying he never loved me, that he was not giving up, and not sure if he could make it this time.  He also texted that he knows that its too late but he wanted me to know how sorry he was for hurting the only person in his life that truly cared for him and recognized what great times we had.  I met him shortly after this and he proceeded to say "I didn't mean all those things.  I felt pressured by others (friends of his saying you've been separated and its not fair to keep her hanging) to say that I wanted a divorce.  Even if I wanted one, that's not the way I would have gone about doing it.  The thought of divorce makes my stomach turn.  I thought I'd be happy living near the beach, but I've come to realized that I'm just not a happy person and that I'm f***** up.  I thought I was cured."  I was empathetic but did not rescue like I always had.  I said, "you've been in therapy before, you know your issues and only you know what you need to do."   A month after that meeting he was with my 2nd "replacement"!  

Now here we are 7months later and I still have yet to hear him say, "I want a divorce".  Rather he said, "I'm thinking of filing the uncontested divorce."   

So like you, Dutched I feel that this is his divorce, his journey.  I never wanted a divorce.  We have a separation agreement where we've already hashed out all the financials, we have no home or kids together so its pretty simple.  Let him file and do the work that's involved. 

All this time I was waiting for him to do something to prove that he was worthy of being in my life, but he hasn't done anything except finding someone new who thinks she's hit the jackpot.

Why was I so stupid to think that he would do something productive to work on himself?

When we spoke just recently, I asked him what had changed so much in 6 months that he wants to file for divorce?  That only 6 moths ago he said that the thought of divorce made his stomach turn.  Dead silence on his part.  But he didn't hesitate to state that he hoped we could still be friends.

By the way, did I mention hes going to England with his new beau to meet her family? Another thing he doesn't know that I'm aware of.

Waiting for him to get the paperwork started.  Wondering if he'll call me for my help or maybe ask his new SO to help him.  Either way, I wasn't the one who walked out.  I was loyal and never got angry at him during this whole process.  But once I get that paperwork, I know I will be angry and tell him everything I've wanted to say to him for a long time.  I need him to know how much he hurt me, how much I'm still hurting.  Even if he doesn't process it, I don't want to have any regrets of "what if's" and be at peace fro speaking my mind.

Any thought or suggestions are welcomed, and thank you both for your kind words and support!

[momtara]

I am sorry your heart is breaking so much. Unfortunately, it's mental illness and there's a point at which the answers don't make sense. The bad part of him is overwhelming the wonderful part who loves you, and who you love. From reading this, I get the feeling he'll be back again and try to come back at some point, but you have lived with so much tiptoeing and trauma for so many years. On one level he knows all you have done for him and can't quite come to terms with it, so he bails. He may be afraid of abandonment. Maybe you can write him a letter and not send it, just to get your feelings out there? It's clear you are a good person and probably did more for him than most did. You can always just not respond to the divorce. Let him file if he wants to.