People gossiping about my ex

[Beware of Junk Psychology...]

So, how do I handle talking to others about my B/U?

He (62 years old) stormed out in early December, right into the arms of the 23 year old.  I know many people in the community wondered about our 18 year r/s (why we never married, why I maintained my own property, etc).   People have said things to me over the years about it and I have essentially brushed it off.   But in the back of my heart, it bothered me that people were clearly speculating.

My ex and I have deep ties to the horse world.  We have many acquaintances in common.  I know a lot of his customers and fellow horse shoers and people his children grew up with.  It is a close knit community and I have trouble avoiding running into people we both know.  And gossip and talk is prevalent in this world.

Yesterday, I find out he got married this weekend (after 5 months) from the veterinarian that was here vaccinating a boarder’s horse.  He had heard it from another horse shoer.  And the comments and gossip are not good. They seem to know all (from what was repeated to me).  People are puzzled by his choices and are talking.  A lot.

And I am 99% sure he has painted me black with his VERSION.  I have had some conversations with others that left me wondering what exactly he has been saying to others about me. 

Now, I know that his choices are HIS choices and people can talk all they want.  But I am trying to come to terms with what is being said and how it makes ME feel, about him and our r/s.  Hearing how crazy he is acting is almost HELPING me heal – he is such a fool in my eyes at this point.  So that part is good. 

But another part of me doesn’t want people talking because I am the fool that was with him for 18 years.  I keep thinking what people must be saying: 

“Look, he pulls up with the barely legal gf riding on his lap.  That is perverted.  What was wrong with SBR1050 to stay with him all that time? Must have been a warped r/s!”,

or  “Look, SBR1050 refused to marry him for 18 years so he went out and got a cuter, much younger version to marry”,

or “Gosh, he is real pervert, chasing after a barely legal GIRL!”,

or “He must be in a midlife crisis. She must have been a real b&^%h and that is why he left her and found someone better”

Or…….I don’t know what!  My mind keeps going over and over this stuff.

Most people are very polite and don’t mention it but I hear what is being said about him so I know there is lots of talk and there must be speculation about me.   I just have moments where I almost want to explain him to people – tell them how mental he acted for all those years (I wouldn’t, but I want to!). I know most wouldn’t believe it anyways – he comes off as a great guy.  Except for now.  People think the age difference and quick marriage is bizarre.  A lot of these people are on Facebook and, unfortunately, I cannot delete FB due to work.  I don’t want to block or delete them either – they are nice people I value knowing. 

I know I don’t own anyone an explanation over my r/s with him OR what he is or isn’t doing.  I know how he behaves now does not reflect on me – we are separate people.  I know this in my brain but my heart is another matter.  I feel I want to tell people that I am just a shocked and disgusted as they are.  I know eventually this will die down but right now I am hurting, I feel like I am hiding from all of it so I don’t run into any of them (especially my ex and his skank).  I just don’t feel I could handle seeing my ex at this point.  I get enough information thru the grapevine as it is.

Thoughts?

[sbr1050]

So, how do I handle talking to others about my B/U?

He (62 years old) stormed out in early December, right into the arms of the 23 year old.  I know many people in the community wondered about our 18 year r/s (why we never married, why I maintained my own property, etc).   People have said things to me over the years about it and I have essentially brushed it off.   But in the back of my heart, it bothered me that people were clearly speculating.

My ex and I have deep ties to the horse world.  We have many acquaintances in common.  I know a lot of his customers and fellow horse shoers and people his children grew up with.  It is a close knit community and I have trouble avoiding running into people we both know.  And gossip and talk is prevalent in this world.

Yesterday, I find out he got married this weekend (after 5 months) from the veterinarian that was here vaccinating a boarder’s horse.  He had heard it from another horse shoer.  And the comments and gossip are not good. They seem to know all (from what was repeated to me).  People are puzzled by his choices and are talking.  A lot.

And I am 99% sure he has painted me black with his VERSION.  I have had some conversations with others that left me wondering what exactly he has been saying to others about me. 

Now, I know that his choices are HIS choices and people can talk all they want.  But I am trying to come to terms with what is being said and how it makes ME feel, about him and our r/s.  Hearing how crazy he is acting is almost HELPING me heal – he is such a fool in my eyes at this point.  So that part is good. 

But another part of me doesn’t want people talking because I am the fool that was with him for 18 years.  I keep thinking what people must be saying: 

“Look, he pulls up with the barely legal gf riding on his lap.  That is perverted.  What was wrong with SBR1050 to stay with him all that time? Must have been a warped r/s!”,

or  “Look, SBR1050 refused to marry him for 18 years so he went out and got a cuter, much younger version to marry”,

or “Gosh, he is real pervert, chasing after a barely legal GIRL!”,

or “He must be in a midlife crisis. She must have been a real b&^%h and that is why he left her and found someone better”

Or…….I don’t know what!  My mind keeps going over and over this stuff.

Most people are very polite and don’t mention it but I hear what is being said about him so I know there is lots of talk and there must be speculation about me.   I just have moments where I almost want to explain him to people – tell them how mental he acted for all those years (I wouldn’t, but I want to!). I know most wouldn’t believe it anyways – he comes off as a great guy.  Except for now.  People think the age difference and quick marriage is bizarre.  A lot of these people are on Facebook and, unfortunately, I cannot delete FB due to work.  I don’t want to block or delete them either – they are nice people I value knowing. 

I know I don’t own anyone an explanation over my r/s with him OR what he is or isn’t doing.  I know how he behaves now does not reflect on me – we are separate people.  I know this in my brain but my heart is another matter.  I feel I want to tell people that I am just a shocked and disgusted as they are.  I know eventually this will die down but right now I am hurting, I feel like I am hiding from all of it so I don’t run into any of them (especially my ex and his skank).  I just don’t feel I could handle seeing my ex at this point.  I get enough information thru the grapevine as it is.

Thoughts?

[maternal]

I understand your pain and have been in this place myself.  My dBPDxbf and I are also in the same industry and have many mutual friends and acquaintances.  I have worried myself sick wondering what people think of me (they tend to LOVE him) and my relationship with him.  It's a really stressful and unpleasant place to be.  I have made my statements about my situation in the past, but it really doesn't matter what I say at all.  People will always talk, and words, mine or others', don't make the pain go away.  I still want to hide from it all, a year out.

I also know how difficult it is to separate the brain and heart in these matters.  My brain knew plenty of things, but it took a lot longer for my heart to catch up to what I already knew.  Feelings aren't logical and can't just be solved away.  Time is the most difficult part in dealing with all of this, but time is what we all need.  You're right not to indulge any of the gossip.  That just hurts everyone involved.

You have to take care of you.  If you can't delete Facebook or don't want to block anyone, isn't there some setting on Facebook that will kind of diminish your public presence on the site?  I mean, you won't have to block a bunch of people, but their access to you is decreased.  I don't use Facebook at all anymore, but I could have sworn that you can do something like that.  I could be wrong, but it might be worth looking into. 

I know it's hard, but you just gotta keep doing what's best for you during this rough time.

[sbr1050]

Thank you, Maternal!  Your kind words really help. Feeling very down tonight... .not sure if hearing about his wedding triggered it or what... .this is really rough right now!

[peacefulmind]

Thank you, Maternal!  Your kind words really help. Feeling very down tonight... .not sure if hearing about his wedding triggered it or what... .this is really rough right now!

I'm sorry to hear what you're going through sbr. There's definitely a way to limit contact on Facebook. You can create groups so certain people won't be able to see what you post, you can unfollow people so you will not receive their posts in the newsfeed, and you can also block them of course. The latter is the most extreme, the two others are less, and won't cause anyone to know that you did this.

On the other hand, this healing process is all about you. What people perceive they will ultimately perceive regardless of what you try and do, or how you try and be proactive about it. I understand that small communities make it much harder to avoid this sort of "talking behind the back", but you need to do this for yourself, and not give a da*m about what others may think. It is okay to feel triggered by it. I think everyone would in your situation. Don't let it get to you, and work on finding positive things about your choice now, which you can substitute for when the triggers hit. This way around, you will also be able to keep your head high, and this will have a positive effect on your surroundings as well.

Stay strong, sbr. You've come a long way!

[Popcorn71]

I am going through the same thing.  I totally understand how you feel.  My xBPDh chose to replace me with somebody who will never be accepted in our community and he will never be 100% accepted into hers.  He was the talk of the town for a while and I have since realised, he has lost many friends because of what he did.

At first I felt that I was being mocked and pitied.  I wondered what people were saying.  Mostly people didn't mention it but I got some strange looks and people probing for my side of the story.

However, there are some people that have proved to be genuine and not interested in gossip.  They have asked outright 'what happened?'  I explained and I could see that they already knew but wanted confirmation from me.  They were the ones who told me what people are really saying (behind my ex's back).  Apparently, people think he was mad to leave me and that he has ruined his life.  They say he has always been like this and that they wondered what I was doing with him.

However, many of these people are two-faced and still talk to him as though nothing has happened.  Then when he is gone they probably have a good laugh at him.

All I can do is worry about those who are closest to me.  What anybody else is saying doesn't really matter.

I think that your situation is probably similar.  I doubt that many people are really thinking 'Oh great choice - leave your long term partner for a totally unsuitable, much younger woman, that's sure to work out!).  Most people probably think he's nuts but just don't tell you that.

[Achaya]

I try to stay with the thought that I, my ex, and most people out there are just going along in their lives trying to succeed at whatever is important to them, and trying to be happy. The path your ex is traveling is his attempt to do that, and it reveals some of why he hasn't succeeded to date---his emotional age may be more similar to the new gal's than is obvious from the outside. You are traveling down your own path, one that we hope will improve your chances of being happy in the future. The rest of those people out there need to keep their minds on their own lives if they want something as good. I think that living might be kind of like driving---we do best when we keep our eyes on the lane we are in, and keep our eyes off the accidents by the side of the road.

[LeonVa]

I'm a male here, but I'm getting similar reactions here from my neighbors, the house wives mainly.

My BPD exwife chit chat with the neighbors here and there, but not enough to the point that they truly get to know her... .

When she called police on me last time, some of the house wives were out there strolling babies and one of them saw 6 cops came into my house and of course no one knew what truly happened.

Now I get the sense that some neighbors try to avoid me if possible as if I'm a wife beater or something.  I get angry sometimes seeing their reactions and judgement.

Oh well, they are not familiar with BPD, I can't blame them. Just have to suck it up. I feel bad for my 2.5 year old son though,  when he's back with me, some of the neighbors with similar aged kids don't seem to want to play with us too much. That's what makes me sad.