Tried to recycle

[Painterly2014]

Cant believe I did this but I had a horrible day on Mothers Day and then texted my BPDh who most likely was with his girlfriend. I told him I was having a bad day and was alone and he was my best friend (D27 is out of State) and I received a very nice daughter in law card from his Mom which set me to crying.  I didn't hear from him until the early evening when he called and said he was sorry about it and I tried to recycle. He resisted it because of new supply.  So now I feel like total crap and discarded all over again. 

[Mutt]

Hi Painterly2014,

I'm sorry to hear that. You had a tough day and you missed a friend  Don't be hard on yourself. Fall down 7 times get up 8.

I can understand how getting a really nice DIL card from MIL would be triggering. Was this the catalyst?

[Painterly2014]

Yes, the card was what triggered me.  My MIL has not accepted what is happening and she is still sending me the cards and invites to family functions etc.  We were together 25 years.  It hard because I don't have any family here and I was missing my Daughter.  I am still in LC with BPDh as we are wrapping up house sale and I am moving in a couple of weeks to my own house. I'm just upset with myself for doing it.  I know he has a new supply and that's hard as heck too.  Thing is I don't really want to get back on the rollercoaster with him but I am leaving my entire life behind now and its all just overwhelming. I kinda surprised myself with doing that as I have started to move toward acceptance and doing ok.  

[Mutt]

I kinda surprised myself with doing that as I have started to move toward acceptance and doing ok.  

It was a holiday ( mother's day ) you were missing your D and exMIL is still like family. You were together 25 years and the marriage is winding down with the sale of the house.

How long have you been seperated?

[fromheeltoheal]

I'm sorry that happened Painterly, although 25 years is a long time and healing, detaching and moving on is 2 steps forward one step back sometimes, which makes it nonlinear, not wrong.  So can you come up with one good thing about what happened?  Any new realization that you got, or even a renewed resolve to continue on the path you're on?  Having our entire life upended is not easy, lots of uncertainty, but it's also an opportunity to build a life we want from scratch, and building something new is cleaner and easier than fixing up and remodeling something old.  What is one thing you're looking forward to?

[Painterly2014]

Mutt:  We have been physically separated for about 6 months now and he has had the replacement for 4 months.   I just feel like I should be further along by now and I have been seeing a counselor for over a year.  I'm just shocked that I was ready to recycle at the drop of the hat after all that he has put me through.

Heel:  Yeah it really is two forward and one back.  The thing that came from this is that I have to be careful because I am definitely not where I thought I was and can unravel all my work in an instant.  I am looking forward to moving into my own house where he has never lived and there are no memories of the chaos.  I am hoping that will help me make more progress.  Just so worn out from all of it.