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Author Topic: It's been six months...  (Read 600 times)
Invictus01
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« on: May 18, 2015, 10:23:18 PM »

Six months ago today started about 2-3 absolutely hellish months of my life. I'd say probably the worst mental torture I've ever been through. Just about every day, I would think to myself - "I wish I just can fast forward my life about 6 months. I know it will be better then, I know things get better, I just don't know how much longer I can take this crazy state of mind." There were no fights, no crazy behavior. She was just gone out of nowhere and just shut me out of her life with such a force, you'd think I abused her in such a horrible way she finally had enough and left. I thought I was going insane while my brain was trying to reconcile all of it. It felt like the love of my life died in a car wreck. I seriously don't know how all this would have played out if one of my friends didn't point me towards personality disorders because she dealt with it herself.

I wish I saw rages. I wish I heard verbal abuse. It would have been so much easier to walk. I'd give her one pass and would have walked the second time. I really have tough time putting up with this kind of stuff, I don't do crazy relationships. I saw none of that from her. All I could see was just a Hollywood picture perfect movie script - a guy goes out of town for a wedding, meets a girl between the wedding and the reception, has an absolutely incredible day with her the day after they met... .and they live happily ever after. I literally remember thinking to myself about 2-3 weeks after meeting her and spending a crap load of time texting her - "This can't be real. Is she for real? For a 25 year old, she really got her stuff together, I know a lot of 30+ year olds who got nothing on her" Even Googled her and looked up LinkedIn, I had to make sure her story was checking out. And it did (at least to the extend I could verify it). Of course I missed a boat load of red flags in the 6 month relationship that we had. Although, if you don't know what a flag looks like... .how can you know that it is a flag at all?

Anyway, they say one day you just wake up and it's like almost over night, things feel much better. The last month or so, I really have seen a lot of improvement in where I am at mentally. Of course, it's not a linear recovery, of course I got a ton of triggers in the past month too (e.g. 2 weeks ago was a year since I met her, I'd probably be an engaged man on that day if, you know... .) Of course I think about her every day... .I don't know, it just doesn't hurt nearly as much and I sure as hell am nowhere near where I was mentally around Thanksgiving-Christmas time. It makes me shiver just to think about that time frame, it was scary.

I have seen some changes in me in the past 6 months too. For once, I suddenly discovered a healthy dose of selfishness. Don't get me wrong, I didn't turn into a flamboyant ar$ehole all the sudden. But I knew I was way too selfless before. Too kind. Too trusting. Always been this way since I was a little kid. Somehow this crazy experience just changed something in my brain, something just clicked in it and I am much way more firm with my own desires. Before I'd probably think that I am being too much of an a$$. Now I think it is normal. Maybe it is just a natural self preservation instinct but all the sudden I have become my own biggest priority. Even in all disaster relieve classes they teach you the same thing over and over again - protect yourself first, then go rescue people. I guess you can think of a relationship with a personality disordered person as an emotional disaster. Now it is time for me to protect myself as I am putting myself back together.
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confusedinWI
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« Reply #1 on: May 18, 2015, 10:31:43 PM »

I am curious what red flags did you miss? I know I ignored plenty myself
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Mutt
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« Reply #2 on: May 18, 2015, 10:46:46 PM »

Hi Invictus01,

I'm glad for you you're feeling better. I bet the holidays were scary last year and things can and do get better.
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Invictus01
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Gender: Male
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Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 480


« Reply #3 on: May 18, 2015, 10:56:01 PM »

I am curious what red flags did you miss? I know I ignored plenty myself

1. She had a horrible relationship with her mother because her mother "walked out of her life" and only decided to come back in her life a couple of years ago. In fact, the hatred run so deep, she changed her last name so that she isn't reminded of her mother every day.

2. I met her mother - she is a narc and a half. Here is what my ex told me about her mom before the dinner where I met her - "Be ready. She likes to make grown men cry. She will find your weakness and will keep on hitting it until you are about to cry." There were a few other absolutely insane stories about her mom. A big part of personality disorders is genetic.

3. She flat out told me that she tends to "lose interest" in relationships after a year or so.

4. Her brother out of nowhere had a mental breakdown a few years ago and was diagnosed with a bipolar disorder - a common misdiagnosis for a personality disorder. And again, it made me wonder - if her brother has it... .can it show up in her?

5. She talked about herself - a lot or more like constantly. To the point where my friends after a while started asking me if I was finding it kinda weird how much she talked about herself. All the while I could sense she had a pretty low self esteem. In fact, I flat out told my buddy, and I quote, "Her mother did a number on her self esteem"

6. She didn't appear to have too many friends... .or any at all. I met two of them, I suspect one of them ended up being my replacement. Lucky guy!

7. Pity play. She appeared to have a permanent black cloud over her head and I had to console her almost on daily basis about things.

8. Alcohol issues. Now, don't get me wrong, I am no stranger to it myself, but I wondered how a 5'4 110 lbs girlie could pretty much out drink a 6'0 190 lbs guy like myself. When she saw a bar in my apartment, she told me "I can never have that in my place, I'd be always drunk".

9. She used to be a college cheerleader. When I asked her how she ended up doing that she told me "I always hated to be a part of the crowd. I always wanted to be in front of the crowd"

10. She had this absolutely crazy falling out with one of her friends. They went from best buds to her talking about taking out a restraining order in a matter of 3 months. And after it was all over, my ex told me - "And this is why I just don't trust anybody"

And after we were done, while talking to my best friend about the whole thing he told me this - "I tell you this man. Just about every our mutual female friend who has ever met her after a while started urging me to talk to you and try to get you away from her because something was just not adding up, something was off. I didn't want to get in your business but you might want to keep this in mind."
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JRT
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« Reply #4 on: May 18, 2015, 11:44:20 PM »

Invictus

as you know, our stories are very similar. Sorry to hear that you are still experiencing this. I am 8 months out and I am much better but there are some lingering effects. I was together with mine for 2 years so even an innocuous drive can take me past a restaurant we used to frequent or someplace where we had a moment. Its impossible to avoid and I can't move away, I have to DEAL with it. I also share some of the same red flags as the ones that you had described.

Time and distance with the addition of understanding. I have not idea where I would be without this site. Understanding what had happened within the framework of BPD have been critical for me. Although I have many unanswered questions (some I will never get and answer for), I think that I have a pretty good handle on things. let me know if you would like to compare notes at all.

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ZeusRLX
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« Reply #5 on: May 19, 2015, 12:37:39 AM »

"This can't be real. Is she for real? For a 25 year old, she really got her stuff together, I know a lot of 30+ year olds who got nothing on her" Even Googled her and looked up LinkedIn, I had to make sure her story was checking out. And it did (at least to the extend I could verify it). Of course I missed a boat load of red flags in the 6 month relationship that we had. Although, if you don't know what a flag looks like... .how can you know that it is a flag at all?

Yeah. same thing here. Every time I'm with a woman and I think that she is too good to be true... .I later find out she has BPD. So if I ever meet a girl and I get THAT feeling again... .HUGE red flag!

Anyway, they say one day you just wake up and it's like almost over night, things feel much better. The last month or so, I really have seen a lot of improvement in where I am at mentally. Of course, it's not a linear recovery, of course I got a ton of triggers in the past month too (e.g. 2 weeks ago was a year since I met her, I'd probably be an engaged man on that day if, you know... .) Of course I think about her every day... .I don't know, it just doesn't hurt nearly as much and I sure as hell am nowhere near where I was mentally around Thanksgiving-Christmas time. It makes me shiver just to think about that time frame, it was scary.

I have seen some changes in me in the past 6 months too. For once, I suddenly discovered a healthy dose of selfishness. Don't get me wrong, I didn't turn into a flamboyant ar$ehole all the sudden. But I knew I was way too selfless before. Too kind. Too trusting. Always been this way since I was a little kid. Somehow this crazy experience just changed something in my brain, something just clicked in it and I am much way more firm with my own desires. Before I'd probably think that I am being too much of an a$$. Now I think it is normal. Maybe it is just a natural self preservation instinct but all the sudden I have become my own biggest priority. Even in all disaster relieve classes they teach you the same thing over and over again - protect yourself first, then go rescue people. I guess you can think of a relationship with a personality disordered person as an emotional disaster. Now it is time for me to protect myself as I am putting myself back together.

I know, I have been there myself. Hang in there.

Unfortunately, those women have a way of finding people like us. Just curious, when you guys met, did she approach/start talking to you first? Or did you approach her?
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ZeusRLX
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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 196



« Reply #6 on: May 19, 2015, 12:42:16 AM »

I am curious what red flags did you miss? I know I ignored plenty myself

1. She had a horrible relationship with her mother because her mother "walked out of her life" and only decided to come back in her life a couple of years ago. In fact, the hatred run so deep, she changed her last name so that she isn't reminded of her mother every day.

2. I met her mother - she is a narc and a half. Here is what my ex told me about her mom before the dinner where I met her - "Be ready. She likes to make grown men cry. She will find your weakness and will keep on hitting it until you are about to cry." There were a few other absolutely insane stories about her mom. A big part of personality disorders is genetic.

3. She flat out told me that she tends to "lose interest" in relationships after a year or so.

4. Her brother out of nowhere had a mental breakdown a few years ago and was diagnosed with a bipolar disorder - a common misdiagnosis for a personality disorder. And again, it made me wonder - if her brother has it... .can it show up in her?

5. She talked about herself - a lot or more like constantly. To the point where my friends after a while started asking me if I was finding it kinda weird how much she talked about herself. All the while I could sense she had a pretty low self esteem. In fact, I flat out told my buddy, and I quote, "Her mother did a number on her self esteem"

6. She didn't appear to have too many friends... .or any at all. I met two of them, I suspect one of them ended up being my replacement. Lucky guy!

7. Pity play. She appeared to have a permanent black cloud over her head and I had to console her almost on daily basis about things.

8. Alcohol issues. Now, don't get me wrong, I am no stranger to it myself, but I wondered how a 5'4 110 lbs girlie could pretty much out drink a 6'0 190 lbs guy like myself. When she saw a bar in my apartment, she told me "I can never have that in my place, I'd be always drunk".

9. She used to be a college cheerleader. When I asked her how she ended up doing that she told me "I always hated to be a part of the crowd. I always wanted to be in front of the crowd"

10. She had this absolutely crazy falling out with one of her friends. They went from best buds to her talking about taking out a restraining order in a matter of 3 months. And after it was all over, my ex told me - "And this is why I just don't trust anybody"

And after we were done, while talking to my best friend about the whole thing he told me this - "I tell you this man. Just about every our mutual female friend who has ever met her after a while started urging me to talk to you and try to get you away from her because something was just not adding up, something was off. I didn't want to get in your business but you might want to keep this in mind."

My first one was like this. She was bulimic and cut and impulsive thief of expensive jewelry and clothes too... .the whole nine.

But once I started screening out the REALLY obvious ones, the new ones can become very subtle and mask a lot until you are too attached to leave.

So sometimes there are no obvious red flags until it's too late... .as our defenses get more advanced, the types of BPD ones that can get through become more advanced/stealthy manipulators until you commit to them... .really good at appearing and acting normal until they think they got you hooked... .or that has been my experience anyway.


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