Non-BPD Breakups

[ThanksForPlaying]

Does anyone have stories of Non-BPD breakups? I've been through a couple non-breakups but it's been about 10 years. The last 2 or 3 were BPD breakups unfortunately. Certainly all breakups are difficult. From my memory, the Non-BPD breakups are more mutually agreed upon and you can still rely on the person afterward. Just wondering if anyone here remembers what that's like... .

[JRT]

From my perspective, the biggest difference was that we both knew it was coming. There was acrimony/apathy that was sustained and growing in the r/s. Eventually, a tipping point happens and at least one decides to end it. Most of the time, there is enough respect and regard for dignity to continue the dialog even though it can be nasty. But for most, that anger goes away and an environment of civility replaces it.

BPD breakups don't evolved over weeks and years. Rather, they take place over hours if not minutes in some cases. Mine was literally overnight.

While some BPD breakups are not like this, I think that it is one of the most common BPD behaviors as far as a the b/u is concerned (there seem to be many associated behaviors such as quickly finding a replacement, no contact, cut off, smear campaign, etc. ).  Regular breakups generally demonstrate these patterns.

[Ripped Heart]

My non-BPD breakup was with d14's mother. She cheated so it didn't end too well. However, we both moved on and overcame our issues and now we are really good friends. I put it down to us being young. For her it was the first time living away from home, for me I'd just come out of the army and spent the previous year at war so it was a big adjustment for both of us. We were able to apologise for our own contributions that led to the split and that was the foundation to a great friendship which is still strong 12 years on.

Divorce from exN/BPDw came overnight and out of the blue. It had been a very abusive marriage but things had started to level off. She even went as far as saying she wanted a divorce because she loved me and that one day we would get remarried and live happily ever after. The suspected real reason for the divorce was that she thought she found a replacement and that if she committed adultery she would lose out in a divorce. That way she could keep her dignity and also thought she would leave a hook for when she was done and ready to come back.

[Infern0]

I've had 4 non BPD breakups.  After all of them we were civil and able to communicate.  There was no push pull or raging. We talked things over,  there were genuine reasons for it that couldn't be worked out so it ended.  All four times I was bummed out but OK.

Also the relationship is different.

in a normal relationship you have your life, and your relationship.  With a BPD your relationship IS your life.

Nons aren't clingy,  BPD are and at first we like this because we are so into them.  Eventually your brain learns to cope with all the drama and it becomes normal.

In a non relationship you probably still have a fair amount of time by yourself,  or hanging with friends and doing your own thing. With BPDs this isn't possible,  gradually your whole life starts to revolve around them and all the chaos.

When it all ends You feel like your life is over. Because you got used to your whole life being about them. In essence you forgot what it's like to not be in a dependent relationship. You forgot normality.

This is why it's so confusing and painful.  Because you forgot what it was like and it just feels alien to you

[blissful_camper]

In my experience the extremes weren't there as they are in interaction with a pwBPD.  In a non b/u, the break up occurs outside of those extremes.  There's sadness *and* objectivity.  Both parties take responsibility for its failure.  In my last relationship (5 years) with a non we helped each other through the grieving process.  We remain close friends to this day.  He helped me process what I'd experienced with my exBPD.  He has a lovely girlfriend and all three of us are friends. 

[Maternus]

A friend of mine broke up with his girlfriend last year. It was not that one was leaving the other, they both came to the conclusion that the relationship is over, but they are still friends. He is also still friends with others of his exes. I met him and his recent ex to watch a movie (about a month after my uBPDex broke up with me) and they both behaved like real friends. It was strange, because I experienced something totally different at that time.

[valet]

A friend of mine broke up with his girlfriend last year. It was not that one was leaving the other, they both came to the conclusion that the relationship is over, but they are still friends. He is also still friends with others of his exes. I met him and his recent ex to watch a movie (about a month after my uBPDex broke up with me) and they both behaved like real friends. It was strange, because I experienced something totally different at that time.

That seems weird, right? But I guess that when you have two, clear-minded, mature adults it's probably a lot easier than most would think after a brief cooling off period.

Now, imagine all of our potential future breakups with people not suffering from BPD. Going through the experiences that we have with our BPD partners will probably be so beneficial as far as maintaining friendships with non-BPD ex's. That's really cool to me. It really makes me deeply appreciate my ex for the learning experience that I am having right now. Thank you, ex.

[Mr Hollande]

I've had 4 non BPD breakups.  After all of them we were civil and able to communicate.  There was no push pull or raging. We talked things over,  there were genuine reasons for it that couldn't be worked out so it ended.  All four times I was bummed out but OK.

Also the relationship is different.

in a normal relationship you have your life, and your relationship.  With a BPD your relationship IS your life.

Nons aren't clingy,  BPD are and at first we like this because we are so into them.  Eventually your brain learns to cope with all the drama and it becomes normal.

In a non relationship you probably still have a fair amount of time by yourself,  or hanging with friends and doing your own thing. With BPDs this isn't possible,  gradually your whole life starts to revolve around them and all the chaos.

When it all ends You feel like your life is over. Because you got used to your whole life being about them. In essence you forgot what it's like to not be in a dependent relationship. You forgot normality.

This is why it's so confusing and painful.  Because you forgot what it was like and it just feels alien to you

Bang on!

[Pingo]

I agree with Inferno... .with a BPD your r/s IS your life!

I was married previous to my r/s with my uBPDexh and I have had several long-term r/ss. I have been abandoned 3 mths pregnant, dumped, betrayed, cheated on & left at the altar (not exactly, he left me a mth before our wedding to be with his 'best friend'... .none of these BU's compare to this one! As blissful_camper says, in a non BU you have sadness AND objectivity. Even when it isn't mutual, you are still a whole person at the end and you grieve and move on. 10 mths out of my BU with my uBPDexh and I am still shaking my head. There is no making sense of anything.

[blissful_camper]

10 mths out of my BU with my uBPDexh and I am still shaking my head. There is no making sense of anything.

Bingo!  2 years out this summer.  Experiences still occasionally pop into my mind and when they do, the thought ends with a gentle head-shake. 

What matters most is that your experiences make sense *at your end* and that you honor your feelings and experiences. 

Within the first year of the b/u I sometimes found myself still feeling puzzled by some of my experiences.  Two years out, there's a lie that continues to come to mind but there's much less emotional charge attached to it at my end.  I no longer try to make sense of it.  I no longer ask "why did he do that?" or "why would anyone do that? or "didn't he know I'd find out? or "is he delusional?"  Now, it's a lie, and that's all that it is. Why, what, how -- it isn't my place to make sense of it.  It wasn't personal.  It was his disorder. 

[Reforming]

I completely agree that BU's with BPD's are particularly difficult for all the reasons that are described very well in the other posts. One of the things that I've really struggled with is the toxic shame that my udBPDex projected onto me and our relationship.

But while I recognise how challenging these breakups are I'd also say there seems to be a broad spectrum of experience on this site in terms of behaviour both during and after a relationship.

Not all BPD just walk out the door without a word of notice, nor do all refuse to communicate after a breakup etc

I would add that I think a lot of people and NONs don't necessarily handle the end of a relationship particularly well.

If you've ever had a drink with a divorce lawyer it's pretty clear that divorces and breakups can frequently get very nasty.

I don't question that some people have the maturity and emotional skills to end relationships better than others, but endings are hard, particularly if one person doesn't want to end the relationship, which is pretty common or where the are shared assets and children involved.

I can't say that I would have any strong desire to be close friends with an ex, I think it's very hard to reconfigure an intimate, romantic attachment back into a friendship but I would like to know that any ex is happy and wish them well. I'd also like them to feel the same way.

[Ripped Heart]

I know I posted previously on this topic but just been through another non-BPD breakup with a girl I've been dating for a few months now.

Due to a recent insane workload, travelling and me having lost the time to develop our relationship, I felt that trying to keep all the balls in the air was being unfair as she is a lovely girl and we do get on really well. I found myself in quite the predicament, one one hand she sensed I was becoming distant and felt she had done something. I was trying to reassure her that everything was just fine at the same time my head was pre-occupied with everything else going on.

Got to the stage where I had to be fair to her but having gone through 2 BPD breakups, didn't know the best way to approach the situation without causing fireworks. At the end of the day, it wasn't her and it wasn't anything she had done. I do care about her a lot which caused some anxiety because I didn't want to hurt her. On the other hand, I didn't want to be unfair to her either because in the past several weeks, just as you climb the hill you are faced with another hill and I couldn't honestly say when the project would end.

The best thing I could do was just be honest with her and that's exactly what I did. The old line of "It's not you, it's me" was quite apt here, rather than the line I've heard in a BPD breakup of "It's not me, it's you" Opened up and told her how I felt, what is going on with everything right now, that I do care a lot about her but that I also don't want to be unfair to her or selfish. The reaction wasn't at all what I expected, it was relief on both sides. She opened up too and helped me understand a few things too. Whilst I was trying to tell her that she wasn't the issue, I wasn't exactly giving her any reasons as to why she wasn't so it continued to play in her mind too. Opening up to everything answered all the questions she had and we both agreed a relationship isn't really going to develop right now.

End result, we have decided not to pursue the relationship, to take a step away and work on building the friendship we had. I have to say, it's been the calmest and nicest breakup I've ever had and things have been really nice between us since.

As reforming mentions, not all breakups with NONs do end well either. I guess in my case, we are working on that friendship because we do care and something may develop, just right now time and circumstance dictate otherwise.

[UserName69]

I had a couple non BPD BU's. They're easier to deal with because the partner doesn't have BPD so they'll respond and handle the BU differently.

I hate my exBPD for many reasons, even when I have decided to move on I still feel hate whenever I think about her. I can't say the same about my other exes because their behaviour was way different. So yes there is a differce between a BPD bu and a non BPD bu as it's the same with the relationships.

[Infared]

In a non BPD breakup I experience mutual respect and understanding and actual love from both of us. Also (I broke it off), it was painful for BOTH of us. We gave it time and are friendly today. Yes, grown-ups can do this.

With the BPD relationship (5-yr. live-in), I was deeply connected with my ex and I thought it was mutual... .yet she was cheating on me and lying. I was discarded, abruptly and this person who I thought cared for me deeply treated me as if I had no feelings at all. As if we had never shared a thing together, telling lie after lie after lie. Then, at times she would walk up to me and talk to me as if none of that had ever happened(?), and was perplexed that I was not the same caring, loving person that I had always been and didn't understand my anger or my simply not interacting and walking away, (there was never any admission of infidelity(s?) no apology, not acknowledgement of the deep emotional pain she had caused me). It was like the person had some kind of magical thinking that absolved them of ANY wrongdoing and that they were perplexed that I was not on the same page. For this human being it was some horribly painful stuff... .

To this day if I see her I just head for the exit, quickly.

[Jack2727]

I have experienced both type of breakups and I can tell you the difference.

BPD/NPD: There is just an abrupt severing. There is no dialogue. It's pretty much all to nothing. The lights are turned out and you are standing there with your heart in your hand. If there is any dialog after the breakup it is usually cold, shallow and terse. You are already replaced hence there is no need for you anymore. There is no efforts to find middle ground or reconcile. You're done!

NonBPD/NPD: You try your best to work out your differences throughout the relationship but in the end both sides come to a mutual slow separation. Both parties struggle with the decision and still keep in contact with each other. Slowly both sides move on. There are less ill feelings and both sides take their time to heal. Both parties are affected by the breakup. 

[Infared]

I have experienced both type of breakups and I can tell you the difference.

BPD/NPD: There is just an abrupt severing. There is no dialogue. It's pretty much all to nothing. The lights are turned out and you are standing there with your heart in your hand. If there is any dialog after the breakup it is usually cold, shallow and terse. You are already replaced hence there is no need for you anymore. There is no efforts to find middle ground or reconcile. You're done!

NonBPD/NPD: You try your best to work out your differences throughout the relationship but in the end both sides come to a mutual slow separation. Both parties struggle with the decision and still keep in contact with each other. Slowly both sides move on. There are less ill feelings and both sides take their time to heal. Both parties are affected by the breakup. 

Exactly what I experienced. Exactly.

So explain the drive-byes, public act-outs, notes on car, etc.  (Lol! I am not expecting an explanation... .I no there isn't one) 

[dobie]

Only been dumped twice before and out of those only one was a serious r/s in my teens and early 20s big difference was they felt empathy , sadness , they were not raging , selfish , entitled and did not act like victims and this was girls of 22

They did not trash my bday , leave me in the poop , deceive me for over a year block email and phone and show the most selfishness I have ever  encountered in my life let alone from a s/o who is ending a 6.5 year r/s and engagement.

They felt guilt and shame and wanted to make sure desperately that I was "ok"

They also thanked me for all the good times and the lovely memories they had balance and nuance and I treated these girls badly I was young and an ahole

My xBPDfiance was treated the best of all and acted like I was ted Bundy !

Biggest difference after her feigned SLIGHT empathy after week 1-2 was the cold controlling indifference when she worked out fully I was no longer needed

Her inability to accept any blame and anything she apologised for was insincere and fleeting .

[SWLSR]

I have had two breakups with nons since my BPD divorce.  They were quite different.  Much more calmer and the problems were apparent.  I disagree with those who think BPD breakups happen overnight.  I think they are planned out, but until they are ready they give the appearance they have no problem because they still need your support it is only when they have replaced your support do they cut the cord quickly.

[Infared]

I have had two breakups with nons since my BPD divorce.  They were quite different.  Much more calmer and the problems were apparent.  I disagree with those who think BPD breakups happen overnight.  I think they are planned out, but until they are ready they give the appearance they have no problem because they still need your support it is only when they have replaced your support do they cut the cord quickly.

EXACTLY!

[dobie]

I have had two breakups with nons since my BPD divorce.  They were quite different.  Much more calmer and the problems were apparent.  I disagree with those who think BPD breakups happen overnight.  I think they are planned out, but until they are ready they give the appearance they have no problem because they still need your support it is only when they have replaced your support do they cut the cord quickly.

EXACTLY!

X2