BPD

[jasper777]

Hello, I am new to your group and I hope someone can help me understand BPD a little better.

[jasper777]

Hello, I am new to your group and I hope someone can help me understand BPD a little better.

[jasper777]

Hello, I am new to the group. Anyone out there want to talk to me and get me acquainted with the group.

[Pilate]

Welcome Jasper777 

It will help you and the members here to share a little of your story, who the person in your life with BPD is, or what you would like to learn about being in relationship with a family member who has BPD.

I am here because my husband's sister fits most of the criteria for BPD, so she is upbd (undiagnosed BPD). During my time here, the lessons I have learned about mindfulness, validation, and other aspects of this illness have applications to how I communicate with most people in my work and personal life.

There are a number of lessons to the right that can help get you started learning about a variety of concepts that confront us when we have a mentally ill family member.

Pilate

[enlighten me]

Hi Jasper

A lot of here are still learnung about BPD. In fact even the experts are still learning. We have a massive amount of knowledge and experience here which you will hppefully find helpful.

Perhaps if you narrow down what you are wanting to find out it will be easier for people to respond as its such a complicated subject that its hard to know where to start.

The over view is that BPD is a personality disorder the criteria of which is laid down in the dsm 4.

There are nine criteria which only five are needed for a diagnosis. This means that there are numerous combinations of behaviour that can be assosciated to people with BPD (pwBPD).

This is a very open and supportive site so any questions you have dont be afraid to ask. We have varied situations from people with BPD exs, people still in relationships, people with family members and even work colleagues all posting here.

[jasper777]

Hello, I am dealing with a daughter n law who has been diagnosed with BPD, but  now she tells everyone she has not ... .She has separated my family and seems to as of right now have all control. She has got my self and my son (oldest) not speaking to each other. The kids are separated and she seems to enjoy every minute of this. How can I take control of this situation especially where the kids are involved... .

[enlighten me]

Hi jasper

This is a difficult situation. Having been in your sons position i know all too well of the isolation and what i like to call the divide and conquer tactics used. Your son is in a position where he doesnt want to upset her. You get lost in a fog of confusion as they seem to be able to twist everything and come out of it as seeming to be the reasonable one or the victim. Your son probably doesnt know whether he is coming or going.

My advice is to try not to do anything to provoke the situation as this will cause more distance. Learn as much as you can and be ready as one day he will need you more yhan ever.

You will not be able to reason with your son. Its like a film where an enchantment is cast over you. Even though you know something is not right they have a way of making you believe they are the only sane one.

[grandmag]

Wow I am brand new here and have had a tricky time just figuring out out to navigate. I read a post that sounds

almost identical to my family situation. My daughter in law clearly suffers from BPD but she would deny it. Currently, she created a drama and now my son is not speaking to me, and I haven't seen my grandkids for a bit. I sought counseling for myself over a year ago, as my doc said something had to be done about the stress on me. She as been abusive to the kids, but eluded the authorities.What I do with her differently since some counseling, seems to just make her anger a lot worse.She withheld the kids from me after being investigated, for 6 weeks as she was certain I had made the report (I did not).I am close with them, and know they sufferred during those weeks.And here we are again, only this time my son is separated too.Everyone is being hurt, and she doesn't seem to care but be happy with all her power and control. All these things is why I am here... .trying to learn and find support too.

















and doc said something had to be done about all the stress on me. Honestly, it seems to have helped only a little

[Panda39]

Learn as much as you can and be ready as one day he will need you more than ever.

Jasper and grandmag,

You both have taken a step in the right direction by coming here and looking for support. I want to welcome you both to the BPD family   

I agree with enlighten me learn as much as you can about BPD so you know what you're dealing with.  I'm here because my SO (Significant Other) has an uBPDxw (undiagnosed BPD ex-wife) and when we figured out that the ex's behaviors matched the criteria for BPD I started reading.  I hit the library and read every book I could find on the topic.  It was such a relief to see that there are patterns to the behaviors that seemed so confusing, to understand what kinds of thoughts could be causing the ex's behaviors, what might be the causes of BPD... .etc.

Somethings that might be coming into play in both of your situations is fear of abandonment (The key feature of BPD) and black and white thinking (another prominent feature of BPD). 

DIL's Black and white thinking could go something like... .Husband can't love me and his family, he can only love me or his family thus isolating him from you.  She could also be fearful of your relationships with your sons fearful they will choose you and abandon them. 

I'm sure that your sons are confused and struggling to make their wives happy and marriages work.

My advice for now is keep the lines of communication to your sons open. They are not asking for help or advice right now but be available when they do.  Meanwhile educate yourself by reading, by asking questions here, and maybe visit the "staying board" to better understand some of the issues your sons are facing so when your sons reach out you will have the knowledge to share with them.  You also might consider therapy to have a place in the real world to discuss things, get some coping skills, and and support.

You also might want to check out some of the "Lessons" links in the box to the right----------->

(Particularly Understanding BPD Behaviors)

Hang in there neither of you is alone... .you found us and already found each other too!  

[luishernandez]

hello im new here too , i talked about my ex undiagnosed with BPD she has 8 of the 9 traits criteria , but 2 months ago i went to her mothers house and noticed 2 of her mother brothers have a medical condition called FRAGILE X SINDROME  , i read that females with some kind of degree of this illnness develop many BPD like simptoms , and that, such condition can be passed to the next generation , with the 50% chances of inherith such genetic condition , i was sopposed to marry her next month , but in one of her constant rages she dummped me   i do love her , but how can i convince my brain that , it is a dangerous place to be at in a marrige , and second , i would not mind if she is bipolar or Bpd ,but about the X FRAGILE SINDROME  makes me be anxious , any sopport will be very helpfull

[grandmag]

 to Panda39---

I just read your response from yesterday.Yes, it was jasper's post that made me think I had a twin. I want to thank you so much for your response. It is hard to connect with anyone who understands what has been happening in our family and even my friends who have seen us be so hurt and stressed so often, just want to say now, tell her off! I have had a counselor for over a year, it has helped a little but most of the "suggestions" that she has given to me (like setting boundaries with my d-in-law) have only seemed to make matters worse and she gets very angry and then does more harm. I see my counselor again in a few days and told her our last session that I have to have some real coping help and even "strategies" on how to handle the current mess. My son, her husband, stayed in touch with me the last time she separated my grandkids and myself, but this time already seems to be that she has somehow held him away from me too. I am feeling so wronged and already worried about my grandkids and this time my son too! I have been with my grandkids a lot, babysitting and sleepovers and school functions.The last time she did this, my son admtted the older boy was crying in his bed a long time every night--while she was looking for a way to drug him up so that she didn't have to hear it!

there is just so much of a nightmare history, things that if I remember them I just want to cry the rest of my days.

Thank you again for being there and willing to share and try to help. I wold love to see not only myself, but my son and grandkids, not having to live all the time in this nightmare place.

Hanging in there for now, trying to find a more solid direction!

[Panda39]

I have had a counselor for over a year, it has helped a little but most of the "suggestions" that she has given to me (like setting boundaries with my d-in-law) have only seemed to make matters worse and she gets very angry and then does more harm.

Setting boundaries and sticking with them is an important tool. You are correct that it seemed to make matters worse.  People with BPD don't like boundaries and can have what is called an "Extinction Burst" as an initial reaction to new boundaries.  Here is a link to more information on extinction bursts https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=85479.0 

Imagine a 3 year old in the store that wants candy, the parent says no because candy is not good for the child (boundary), the child doesn't like the boundary and begins to whine, the whining doesn't work the parent reinforces the boundary and says no again, the child then escalates to screaming.  This is what an extinction burst can look like.  If the parent continues to reinforce the boundary the child will get the message and eventually stop asking for the candy (the desired behavior).  If the parent doesn't reinforce the boundary and gives into the screaming what is the message the child gets?  If I scream loud enough long enough I will get what I want. So sticking with the boundary is key, also don't be surprised if she periodically tests that boundary again.

Below is a post of mine from another thread that shows my SO's D14 setting boundaries

I just wanted to give a shout out to my SO's D14. She is learning to set boundaries!  I'm really proud of her 

Backstory:

D14 is the painted black daughter and her sister D18 is the golden daughter.

 

Currently D18 is VLC to NC with her uBPDmom.

D14 was hospitalized a year ago for suicide threats and has since been diagnosed with PTSD. 

D18 went away to college last Fall and uBPDmom began being even harder on D14 there was a lot of conflict between mom & D14 (mom being mean to her)

Last December D18 and D14 pretty much stopped seeing their mother

. 

D14 has decided she wants to try and have a relationship with her mom again, in a limited way.  She will spend some time with her mom if another adult (one of mom's friends... .I think there are 2 left) is present (this keeps mom mostly on the straight and narrow)... .Nice Boundary #1 

D14 decided to spend a little time with her uBPDmom for Mother's Day... .all mom did was talk about D18 (who wants nothing to do with her) and bad mouth my SO.  D14 came home hurt and disappointed (because mom was not able to focus any attention on her)

D14 and uBPDmom (and friend) made plans to go out to dinner last night.  D14 went to mom's after school and again mom started talking about D18 and their dad. This time D14 told her mother that this was their time (her's & mom's) together and she didn't want to talk about her sister and dad... .expressed/stood up for herself... .Requested Boundary #2. 

UBPDmom continued the same topics of conversation so 45 minutes into their visit she told the friend to please drive her home... .Enforced Boundary #3! 

D14's behavior the last few days shows so much progress on her part!  At 14 she is catching on to things that many adults have difficulty with.  I'm really proud of her! 

So your therapist advising boundaries is a good tool when dealing with someone with BPD. It about protecting yourself. Unfortunately your DIL is in a way holding your son and grandkids hostage and using them to emotionally blackmail you and my guess is emotional blackmail is also being used on your son. (We call this FOG - Fear, Obligation & Guilt) https://bpdfamily.com/content/emotional-blackmail-fear-obligation-and-guilt-fog . The person that could really use boundaries is your son but he needs to be receptive to the information living in the FOG makes this difficult.  A boundary he creates could be I will not choose between my wife and my FOO (family of origin), or my children will have access to my parents for example.   

I encourage you to not give up on boundaries with the DIL when the use of boundaries fits the situation.

It is hard to connect with anyone who understands what has been happening in our family and even my friends who have seen us be so hurt and stressed so often, just want to say now, tell her off!

Though satisfying to tell her off (and believe me I understand the frustration and anger  ) in the long run it doesn't help and may hurt.

Another way to communicate is using "SET" Sympathy Statements, Empathy Statements & Truth Statements.  For people with BPD emotions = facts.  When using set you validate the feelings and then discuss the issue. Here is a link to information on SET https://bpdfamily.com/content/ending-conflict . There is additional information on other topics that you might want to check out on the same page.

Well I think I've given you several things to chew on that I hope will help in your situation.  (Maybe some stuff to talk to your therapist about too)

As you try different things or as different situations arise I hope you will post your own topics there is a wealth of experience and knowledge among the members here.  I also encourage you to read other peoples posts it's amazing how much we all have in common.

Panda39

[grandmag]

to panda: Yes it sounds like you gave me some good stuff to read about and learn--how do I thank you?

I also sent for the book, Stop Walking on Eggshells, can't wait to get it too. I see my counselor tuesday morning--perhaps I will be bringing these things up to her as well.

panda, I also must thank you for the first belly laugh I have had in an age... .being the FOO! And grandma was kung FOO fighting... .

 

[Panda39]

panda, I also must thank you for the first belly laugh I have had in an age... .being the FOO! And grandma was kung FOO fighting... .

 

grandmag,

I love it    Every time you have to take on the DIL sing that one to yourself!