Validation from the ex before the ex

[Beware of Junk Psychology...]

Last night, quite out of the blue, my ex before my wife contacted me for a chat on facebook. We are facebook friends but we rarely talk, she's married now and has a baby and we live in different cities. She knows I struggled leaving my wife and sometimes checks in on me.

I was telling her about my therapy sessions and what I had learned about my own anger & behaviours and how they were abandonment/esteem related and she validated that was her experience with me too. Jokingly, after my list of issues I said 'but underneath all THAT I'm a lovely person' and she said 'You don't need to tell me, I know, I loved you for 5 years'.

It made my heart soar. Not cos I have feelings for her, but just to be told that you are loveable, in such a sincere way by someone who, as an ex, we had a history. After all these years with my wife and feeling since the breakup that I wasn't worth €$¥>, to be told inspite of all your flaws you really are loveable, it really gives me hope. I guess, as the golden child, and having to constantly please my ex wife for love and attention, the idea of being loved flaws and all, is just fantastic. Perhaps my ex ex, truly did love me flaws and all, but I was running around like a codependent totally needlessly, maybe my wife did. For sure I was too controlling with her and my fear of abandonment actually caused her to abandon me ( the ex ex) in the end. She wasn't 'the one', but I remember my time with her fondly.

The really not believing you are loveable thing, does anyone identify?

I'm really pleased I have some healthy exes

[Trog]

Last night, quite out of the blue, my ex before my wife contacted me for a chat on facebook. We are facebook friends but we rarely talk, she's married now and has a baby and we live in different cities. She knows I struggled leaving my wife and sometimes checks in on me.

I was telling her about my therapy sessions and what I had learned about my own anger & behaviours and how they were abandonment/esteem related and she validated that was her experience with me too. Jokingly, after my list of issues I said 'but underneath all THAT I'm a lovely person' and she said 'You don't need to tell me, I know, I loved you for 5 years'.

It made my heart soar. Not cos I have feelings for her, but just to be told that you are loveable, in such a sincere way by someone who, as an ex, we had a history. After all these years with my wife and feeling since the breakup that I wasn't worth €$¥>, to be told inspite of all your flaws you really are loveable, it really gives me hope. I guess, as the golden child, and having to constantly please my ex wife for love and attention, the idea of being loved flaws and all, is just fantastic. Perhaps my ex ex, truly did love me flaws and all, but I was running around like a codependent totally needlessly, maybe my wife did. For sure I was too controlling with her and my fear of abandonment actually caused her to abandon me ( the ex ex) in the end. She wasn't 'the one', but I remember my time with her fondly.

The really not believing you are loveable thing, does anyone identify?

I'm really pleased I have some healthy exes

[Mutt]

Hi Trog,

I bet that felt good being validated by an ex-partner. I can relate with feeling not loveable. I was invalidated much of my life and had low self esteem. I found that I do have many loveable qualities. I found that with my relationship patterns I thought love was found through another person and I learned that I need to love me. I was soothing lifelong emotional wounds in the r/s. Do you validate yourself?

[Trog]

Hi Trog,

I bet that felt good being validated by an ex-partner. I can relate with feeling not loveable. I was invalidated much of my life and had low self esteem. I found that I do have many loveable qualities. I found that with my relationship patterns I thought love was found through another person and I learned that I need to love me. I was soothing lifelong emotional wounds in the r/s. Do you validate yourself?

I don't know, like affirmations?

[Mutt]

You have the right idea. Marsha Linehan describes 6 levels of validation that can also be applied with self validation.

Self-validation is accepting your own internal experience, your thoughts and feelings. Self-validation doesn't mean that you believe your thoughts or think your feelings are justified. There are many times that you will have thoughts that surprise you or that don't reflect your values or what you know is true. You will also have feelings that you know aren't justfied. If you fight the thoughts and feelings, or judge yourself for having them, then you increase your emotional upset. You'll also miss out on important information about who you are as a person.

Validating your thoughts and emotions will help you calm yourself and manage your emotions more effectively. Validating yourself will help you accept and better understand yourself, which leads to a stronger identity and better skills at managing intense emotions. Self-validation helps you find wisdom.

https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/pieces-mind/201407/self-validation

[Trog]

You have the right idea. Marsha Linehan describes 6 levels of validation that can also be applied with self validation.

Self-validation is accepting your own internal experience, your thoughts and feelings. Self-validation doesn't mean that you believe your thoughts or think your feelings are justified. There are many times that you will have thoughts that surprise you or that don't reflect your values or what you know is true. You will also have feelings that you know aren't justfied. If you fight the thoughts and feelings, or judge yourself for having them, then you increase your emotional upset. You'll also miss out on important information about who you are as a person.

Validating your thoughts and emotions will help you calm yourself and manage your emotions more effectively. Validating yourself will help you accept and better understand yourself, which leads to a stronger identity and better skills at managing intense emotions. Self-validation helps you find wisdom.

https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/pieces-mind/201407/self-validation

Thanks Mutt

I was much better at this before and when I was younger, after this relationship and not being sure what I think or believe after yielding so much to a person who was mentally ill, I've lost some trust in myself. The first stages, just being present with yourself, look like a good place to rebuild from.

[Loosestrife]

I can identify with this. It's lovely that you and your ex are still friends :-)