I fell apart

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

So, last night my dog and I went to spend time with a friend and his dog. I have known this guy for a few years and we had tried dating a couple of years ago, when I had tried leaving my uBPDexbf.  These days, it is just a friendship and that is ok with me.  The dogs have always gotten along and the four of us have a really nice time together. I see him maybe once a week and it has always been enjoyable.  My friend is a great guy, although maybe a little quirky and has some of his own issues (on medication for depression). His dog is maturing and I have noticed he starts trying to assert himself over my dog.  Well, yesterday evening it caused a scuffle, and the dogs got snarly with each other.  My friend freaked out about it - he got upset, made a lot of comments like "I don't need my dog to get hurt",  "I just won't stand for this happening", etc.  He kept taking his dog outside, almost like he was just waiting for me to leave.  The comments and his behavior went on over half an hour.  He made me so uncomfortable, my dog and I finally decided to leave.

Driving home, I fell apart.  As my friend was making his comments, I flashed back to my ex.  I got that same feeling as I did when my ex would get upset and I knew a rage was coming.  An overwhelming feeling of feeling like I will never meet anyone new and missing my ex came over me.  Not the bad aspects - but rather missing the security of being in a relationship and having someone.  I am not even sure if my friend was justified  in his feelings or not.  I don't even know what is acceptable in a normal person. 

When do these feelings go away?  I am almost six months out of an 18 year r/s and I hate still feeling this way!

[sbr1050]

So, last night my dog and I went to spend time with a friend and his dog. I have known this guy for a few years and we had tried dating a couple of years ago, when I had tried leaving my uBPDexbf.  These days, it is just a friendship and that is ok with me.  The dogs have always gotten along and the four of us have a really nice time together. I see him maybe once a week and it has always been enjoyable.  My friend is a great guy, although maybe a little quirky and has some of his own issues (on medication for depression). His dog is maturing and I have noticed he starts trying to assert himself over my dog.  Well, yesterday evening it caused a scuffle, and the dogs got snarly with each other.  My friend freaked out about it - he got upset, made a lot of comments like "I don't need my dog to get hurt",  "I just won't stand for this happening", etc.  He kept taking his dog outside, almost like he was just waiting for me to leave.  The comments and his behavior went on over half an hour.  He made me so uncomfortable, my dog and I finally decided to leave.

Driving home, I fell apart.  As my friend was making his comments, I flashed back to my ex.  I got that same feeling as I did when my ex would get upset and I knew a rage was coming.  An overwhelming feeling of feeling like I will never meet anyone new and missing my ex came over me.  Not the bad aspects - but rather missing the security of being in a relationship and having someone.  I am not even sure if my friend was justified  in his feelings or not.  I don't even know what is acceptable in a normal person. 

When do these feelings go away?  I am almost six months out of an 18 year r/s and I hate still feeling this way!

[mitatsu]

It's ok we all understand how you feel and we all have those moments but you are and will heal its been a big thing in your life and your emotions show just how 'normal' and human you are

i cry sometimes for no reason but the sadness overwhelms me i allow it then let it go 

[UserName69]

I think he said all those things because he was upset. We all do say things we don't mean when we're upset. If you really love him as a friend you really should talk to him about how you feel when he said all those things.

[WhatJustHappened?]

It will take time. 6 months is not that long after an 18 year relationship. My exBPD experienced the same issue as she was involved with a very angry and controlling man for 19 years.

Perhaps some therapy might help you? I wouldn't be too hard on yourself. We all fall apart from time to time, especially after your long term relationship.

Interesting... .my exBPD would tell me that she had a hard time too understanding what is acceptable behavior too after 19 years of abuse.

Dogs will do that. IMO, that's a little unreasonable on your friend's part unless skin was broken or one of the dogs was hurt. You may want to proceed with caution as sometimes we tend to find the same types of people in one form or another that are just wrong for us. Friends or otherwise.

[Trog]

Not about the topic, but I just love how you speak about dog, my dog and I went here, so my dog and I left etc, it's lovely. Not 'I took my dog', but you and the dog made those decisions! It's a really nice way to put it, I'm going to use this from now on

[Mutt]

Not the bad aspects - but rather missing the security of being in a relationship and having someone.  I am not even sure if my friend was justified  in his feelings or not.  I don't even know what is acceptable in a normal person.  

When do these feelings go away?  I am almost six months out of an 18 year r/s and I hate still feeling this way!

I'm sorry to hear that. You know your friend better than anyone here. I do think he could have handled it a little better. Was he just having a bad day? I can see how that would trigger feeling rejected.

18 years is a long history and 6 months is not a long time. Everyone's path to healing is different and time is a variable. It is good to hear that you are spending time with friends? I understand that this wasn't pleasant and less than supportive. Are you spending time with friends / family? Do you find yourself triggers and thinking about your ex with company?

[Mister Brightside]

I know it's hard, but be patient with yourself during the healing process. As others have said, 18 years is a long time, and six months in comparison is not very long (2.8% of 18 years). It won't take you 18 years to recover, but it may take a little while longer. We're all different, so there's no timeline. But if you continue with no contact, the day will come. Remember that the healing process isn't linear. You may feel fine the one day, and horrible the next. But generally speaking, you will slowly get better and better as the toxicity of those 18 years wears off.

As for your friend, I would be open with him and tell him the way he reacted hurt you. If he gets defensive, then it may be time to search for new friends.

[fromheeltoheal]

Saying things like "I don't need my dog to get hurt" and "I just won't stand for this happening" indicates to me that he was scared because he loves his dog and there was dog-drama, so he got selfish and self-protective.  That's fine, self preservation and preservation for those we love are maybe the strongest urges, and the next piece is to realize it and focus on fixing his relationship with you.  If the dogs were being snippy you could have put yours in the car for a few minutes and talked through the upset, with him making the relationship a priority, apologizing if appropriate, whatever.  Borderlines are self-centered as hell, they have to be since they're in survival mode all the time, but the rest of the world has options, and now that we've done our time with extreme dysfunction we know what to look for, and we get to decide if someone is treating us the way we deserve or not, and if they are welcome in our lives or not.  Who knows, your friend may realize that he maybe ruptured something he values and you'll get a call, that would be good, and will probably make you closer, if not, there are plenty of dog owners.