A couple observations of my uBPDw

[CastleofGlass]

So I just wanted to throw out a couple things I noticed and wanted to see how you all felt in comparison.

2 days ago, during my T session, I had come up with an analogy for a pwBPD. If a nonBPD person was in a situation where he/she felt invalidated or insulted, they would most likely have a negative thought cross their mind but keep it internal and press on. The pwBPD would have this same thought, but it would instantaneously come out of their mouth and take over their state of being. After saying this, I told my T that I really thought the term Borderline Personality Disorder just doesn't explain anything at all concerning what those individuals suffer from without having to have it explained. I really think it should have a different name, something like Emotional Filter Disorder. I really think that generalizes the condition a little better and may be a bit more accepted to a pwBPD when diagnosed as BPD just comes off a bit more harsh.

My 2nd observation and what I'm curious about, is my uBPDw doesn't seem to have dysregulated moments with strangers. In grocery stores or any other public places, she doesn't react at all like she would with say a family member or someone she is in constant contact with. I have always noticed this, even way before I knew she had BPD or what it even was. She would come home telling me how she had someone at a store go off on her for some stupid reason and that she would be caught off guard and keep quiet just to leave the situation as quick as possible. I would think to myself, I forget to take out the trash or validate an emotion of yours and I'm convicted and sentenced by you, but a stranger does/says something 10x worse and you cower and say nothing like you are a person who lives in fear. I'd like to know if any of you have seen the same thing in your pwBPD. It seems to be family members/friends/people she encounters regularly that she will dysregulate with but never strangers.

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[Hmcbart]

I have seen this in my wife as well. I believe it is why she doesn't have any close friends anymore. I've noticed how she is a very good politician around strangers and things they say don't even register but if I say or do the exact same I'm a jerk and the silent treatment starts and last for days and even weeks.

The big thing I noticed in the last few years is that she will start to dysregulate and act this way towards others after she has known them for a while. It happened with some ladies in our Cub Scout pack a few years ago. She went off on them and I got a call from their husbands asking what happened. Of course her story and theirs was very different. I was then accused by my wife of not standing up for her. Truthfully after the other ladies told me what happened and what she said, I believed them. It sounded exactly like some of the things she had said to me before.

Last year she was upset with the ladies she volunteers a lot with at the school. One of them told her that there was always so much drama with her. She was very upset about it. I'd did not do a good job of validation either. This was all before learning about PDs.

So the long answer is yes, at least from my experience they only treat people they know well this way. Strangers have no emotional attachment to them.

[an0ught]

Good observation CastleofGlass 

And this is where boundaries really help! Why? Because right now your relationship is enmeshed - there is no clear beginning and end to the ego of the partners. It is not always instinctively clear who is responsible for what. Emotions swap back and forth in an unhindered fashion. There is little filtering going on. Boundaries change this dynamic in a big way as the lines surrounding the ego of the individual become less blurred. A in some way paradoxic side effect of not being able to dump any toxic thought without feeling she is crossing a threshold will be that she is then forced to look for other outlets or start regulating her own emotions more. With more boundaries and thus stronger egos it becomes harder to deny that an issue is obviously on her side and needs handling by her.