Day 118- Pain Acceptance

[Reecer1588]

Today is day 118 since I've last heard from my uBPDexgf. I still think about her every day. I still cry about her at night. Tell her that I'm so sorry for everything I did. Tell her that I

wish it didn't have to be this way. My daily life is going well, and I'm going to a Russian intensive language school in a couple of weeks. I work out nearly every day, TCU is now in

Super regionals which is really exciting. But on the BPD thing. I am coming to just accept the pain. Accept that the pain is a part of my life. I love this girl, and regardless of what

anyone tells me about how re-engagement would be terrible it's all I want. I want to have that validation that she still thinks about me. That validation that she still cares. It's not

like my goal is to snub all of the great advice everyone has given me. In fact when it comes to taking creative action, leaning into the pain, I'm definitely taking the advice. This

wanting to hear from her, this craving for something, ANYTHING. This craving for her to do ANYTHING towards me, it isn't a choice. I wish I could choose just to turn it off. But I

can't turn it off. I'm learning to just 'accept' this pain. Accept that I live with this constant frustration. I live with this constant desire for someone I can not have, someone who

doesn't want me anymore and may never say another word to me. All of it has become a part of me.

[Mike-X]

I think that accepting it is the right way to go. You loved her, you miss her, and you are hurting now that she is gone. I feel that when I try to fight all of that I often feel frustrated and angry.

Can you help me to understand your desire for validation? Are you questioning whether she ever cared for you and whether thinks about you now? Are you struggling with the notion of her feeling close to you (the pull) and that closeness for her being associated distrust/pain (the push) to the point of having to end the relationship?

[Reecer1588]

Mike-x today one of my friends told me that this whole time he actually sat next to her in a class. They've studied together and they actually last texted each other about 3 weeks or so ago. He told me that she is 'good'. That she's happy. He told me that she is never going to contact me again. That she told him a while back that she was in therapy and that's all she said to him about me.

I am questioning absolutely everything. I can not believe that she is gone forever. She really is never coming back and never saying another word to me. She is happy and there's nothing going on.

I just feel like I screwed everything up and I will never get a chance to make things right. It's like she is all I want in this world but she will never say another word again. She doesn't care. This doesn't affect her like it affects me. She has moved on and I have not. I feel constant pain and she does not. I still hold on to that sliver of hope and it really doesn't even matter to her.

I feel like I'm going over an emotional edge. I've never felt like this before. I feel so abandoned. so lonely. I poured my heart and soul into this girl and she is never going to talk to me again. I will never get the chance to make things right.

I trusted her. She knew how sensitive I was. I trusted her with everything I had and she destroyed me.

I feel so much pain and I cry so much now. And when my friend told me last night over and over again that "she's good" and that she's never going to contact me again... .Idk mike. Idk what to describe this like. This pain. I really am a very sensitive person. I will always be this way.

How is it that I can love this girl so much, that I would do ANYTHING just to make things right between us, how is It that I would put my whole heart and soul out there just to hear another nice word from her again, and she just doesn't care? How! I can not, and will not ever understand it. It will never make sense to me. Ever.

[Trog]

Mike-x today one of my friends told me that this whole time he actually sat next to her in a class. They've studied together and they actually last texted each other about 3 weeks or so ago. He told me that she is 'good'. That she's happy. He told me that she is never going to contact me again. That she told him a while back that she was in therapy and that's all she said to him about me.

I am questioning absolutely everything. I can not believe that she is gone forever. She really is never coming back and never saying another word to me. She is happy and there's nothing going on.

I just feel like I screwed everything up and I will never get a chance to make things right. It's like she is all I want in this world but she will never say another word again. She doesn't care. This doesn't affect her like it affects me. She has moved on and I have not. I feel constant pain and she does not. I still hold on to that sliver of hope and it really doesn't even matter to her.

I feel like I'm going over an emotional edge. I've never felt like this before. I feel so abandoned. so lonely. I poured my heart and soul into this girl and she is never going to talk to me again. I will never get the chance to make things right.

I trusted her. She knew how sensitive I was. I trusted her with everything I had and she destroyed me.

I feel so much pain and I cry so much now. And when my friend told me last night over and over again that "she's good" and that she's never going to contact me again... .Idk mike. Idk what to describe this like. This pain. I really am a very sensitive person. I will always be this way.

How is it that I can love this girl so much, that I would do ANYTHING just to make things right between us, how is It that I would put my whole heart and soul out there just to hear another nice word from her again, and she just doesn't care? How! I can not, and will not ever understand it. It will never make sense to me. Ever.

I've ben having this same conversation abou my ex and my feelings. I could have written all o that as ive moved from anger to sadness but I can see it clearly in your story and it's helped me see mine. What speaks volumes here isn't how much or little she loves you, it's your expectation of love. That abandoned feeling, I feel it too, it hurts like hell and in many cases, mine for sure, it's rooted in childhood. Other won't accept a BPD relationship or being with a mentally ill person, we accept the way they love because it's familiar and feel like 'coming home', this deep deep pain you feel is a trauma wound and as much as you feel it's down to her and how wonderful she is, sure as sugar it's about your pain and not her at all. Think about this possobility, were you accepted and given total love and affection as a kid, for me I was desperate for my parents attention and wound up playing alone for hours on end.

If you can see this is actually about you, then you can fix it, believe me, she isn't the greatest thing since sliced bread eap if she's got a mental illness.

[Mister Brightside]

She may not have come back to recycle you, Reecer, and I know that has pained you for several weeks now, but 99% of our exBPD's aren't coming back. Not in their good forms (idealization stage) anyway. We are all objects to them. My exBPD attempted to text me after she and her rebound were over. I didn't reply to the text. Later, in another form of communication, she told me she had tried to text me several times (she was lying--I had only received the one text). Then she admitted to me that my lack of a response made her think that "if you didn't care, I didn't care."

Their splitting abilities go to show how we are objects. If they don't get what they want out of us, they can turn us black and will seek a replacement. They don't give a crap about us as individuals. My exBPD just got done having sex with a married man, and was in a relationship with him, and instead of fixing herself (she was once a religious person), she plays the victim and is seeking more narcissistic supply.

I'm sorry you're apparently painted black forever, but like I said, none of us here will ever have a successful relationship with these people we're no longer with, whether they recycle or not.

As for your friend constantly telling you that she's happy and never going to talk to you, even if you point blank asked him about her, he doesn't seem like much of a friend by rubbing salt into the wound.

[once removed]

"As for your friend constantly telling you that she's happy and never going to talk to you, even if you point blank asked him about her, he doesn't seem like much of a friend by rubbing salt into the wound."

thats exactly right, and i assume its at least one of the reasons youre hurting as a result of this knowledge. your "friend" needs a good lesson in empathy, if not personality disorders. he doesnt know what hes talking about. disregard what he said, and frankly keep your distance from him.

youre doing the right stuff, i think. remaining productive in your life, accepting and leaning into the pain, thats all serious progress. this will take time. it will take meeting girls as friends or lovers and learning what is healthy and makes you feel good. it will take improving your confidence and self esteem (which believe it or not, youre in the process of). this was your first love. its difficult to really know what it even means when someone tells you you deserve better, you can have better, and better exists. the silver lining is that youre doing the right stuff, and it will ultimately get you over the finishing line.

hang in there  

[Mike-X]

I am very sorry that you are going though this. My thoughts have touched on all of the things that you've openly shared here about your questioning your relationship with her, who she really is, and how she really feels. Have you considered trying to frame answers to these questions in terms of the symptoms of BPD? My thought is that there are answers there.

Mike-x today one of my friends told me that this whole time he actually sat next to her in a class. They've studied together and they actually last texted each other about 3 weeks or so ago. He told me that she is 'good'. That she's happy. He told me that she is never going to contact me again. That she told him a while back that she was in therapy and that's all she said to him about me.

What was the nature of this exchange? At least with what you have written here, it seems like a "tough love" approach, giving you the "hard truth," rather than the empathetic, validating, SET approach taught through this site.

I just feel like I screwed everything up and I will never get a chance to make things right.

It's like she is all I want in this world but she will never say another word again. She doesn't care. This doesn't affect her like it affects me. She has moved on and I have not. I feel constant pain and she does not. I still hold on to that sliver of hope and it really doesn't even matter to her.

I feel like I'm going over an emotional edge. I've never felt like this before. I feel so abandoned. so lonely. I poured my heart and soul into this girl and she is never going to talk to me again. I will never get the chance to make things right.

I trusted her. She knew how sensitive I was. I trusted her with everything I had and she destroyed me.

I feel so much pain and I cry so much now. And when my friend told me last night over and over again that "she's good" and that she's never going to contact me again... .Idk mike. Idk what to describe this like. This pain. I really am a very sensitive person. I will always be this way.

How is it that I can love this girl so much, that I would do ANYTHING just to make things right between us, how is It that I would put my whole heart and soul out there just to hear another nice word from her again, and she just doesn't care? How! I can not, and will not ever understand it. It will never make sense to me. Ever.

I certainly feel like I understand all of this. Have you spent time exploring why you feel sensitive, as others have asked, maybe why abandonment hurts so much? What do you feel you were getting out of the relationship?

[Reecer1588]

What was the nature of this exchange? At least with what you have written here, it seems like a "tough love" approach, giving you the "hard truth," rather than the empathetic, validating, SET approach taught through this site.

We were just talking to one another and he said "There are two sides to every story" pretty hatefully and made it seem like she was perfectly fine and happy and I'm the crazy one.

Have you spent time exploring why you feel sensitive, as others have asked, maybe why abandonment hurts so much?

Childhood bullying had a pretty strong, lasting impression on me. But I might just be this way. God might have just made me a sensitive man.

What do you feel you were getting out of the relationship?

Well I thought I had a girl who was crazy about me and she made me feel like it was possible for a girl to like me romantically. I've never been very confident with girls and have always believed that they really don't see me romantically. That all the popular people are what girls want. Ex came along and made me feel wanted. Then she took my confidence and took a big dump on it.

[Mike-X]

Thanks for the replies. I appreciate how open you are with your posts on the boards.

What do you feel you were getting out of the relationship?

Well I thought I had a girl who was crazy about me and she made me feel like it was possible for a girl to like me romantically. I've never been very confident with girls and have always believed that they really don't see me romantically. That all the popular people are what girls want. Ex came along and made me feel wanted. Then she took my confidence and took a big dump on it.

This comes up on the boards a lot, in various forms. The "void" in confidence is filled by aspects the relationship, but then when/if the relationship ends the wounded confidence is still there. However, the wound was really there all along, just covered with the relationship band-aid, and the wound (unlike a cut) doesn't heal on its own over time. Right?

You probably know that this type of "strategy" thought to have a large influence on idealization in people with BPD. The person with BPD tries to "fill" their emptiness, lack of self, low-esteem wounds by becoming enmeshed with another person, mentally taking on the idealized qualities.  Any of a number of things can destroy the idealized image and leave the pwBPD exposed their unhealed wounds. So pwBPD have to fix their core wounds in order to have healthy relationships; with BPD love by an SO does not appear to "fix" core esteem wounds.

It seems like you have a grasp on some sources of your wounds (i.e., childhood bullying). What are your thoughts on fixing your wounds?

What was the nature of this exchange? At least with what you have written here, it seems like a "tough love" approach, giving you the "hard truth," rather than the empathetic, validating, SET approach taught through this site.

We were just talking to one another and he said "There are two sides to every story" pretty hatefully and made it seem like she was perfectly fine and happy and I'm the crazy one.

Yeah, this seems like it might have been your friend's attempt a "tough love" and possibly your friend believing whatever she has told him about the break-up, which I don't imagine includes her BPD issues. Since learning about SET and validation in conversation, I have seen that a lot of invalidation takes place in communications. My sense of things it that it often has to do with learned ways of communicating, defensiveness and other issues with dealing with feelings, authenticity issues, etc.

Given what you know about BPD, do you think that she is really happy?

[Reecer1588]

It seems like you have a grasp on some sources of your wounds (i.e., childhood bullying). What are your thoughts on fixing your wounds?

Well, a big part of it for me honestly has been improving myself athletically. I always feel good after a good day of lifting/playing basketball/running/playing tennis. I've lost 30 pounds and since my ex left me my physical transformation is great. (I wish she could see me now... .)

Yeah, this seems like it might have been your friend's attempt a "tough love" and possibly your friend believing whatever she has told him about the break-up, which I don't imagine includes her BPD issues. Since learning about SET and validation in conversation, I have seen that a lot of invalidation takes place in communications. My sense of things it that it often has to do with learned ways of communicating, defensiveness and other issues with dealing with feelings, authenticity issues, etc.

Given what you know about BPD, do you think that she is really happy?

As I've stated before, my ex actually didn't say a single word about the breakup to my friend. My friend tried once a couple months ago to ask her about me, and she said to the effect of "I'm in therapy, and since you're reece's friend I am not talking about the subject with you" and that was all.

My friend just believes everything I tell him, as he repeats to me, is "Bullsh**", that there are two sides to every story, she is happy & just fine, and is never going to contact me again. According to him, from his evidence of being around her and periodically texting her, she's perfectly fine and there's no chance she's ever saying a damned thing to me again.

But the glaring point (that I failed to mention at the time because it took someone else telling me) is that therapy and happiness don't go together

My ex is happy in the sense that she's content in her decision to eliminate me. I'm sure of that. And I know she's "Moved on" in the sense that she hardcore suppresses her emotions.

But this satisfaction of tearing me apart and flipping the tables to have all of the 'power' will fade away eventually. I know my ex, insofar as I know that what my older sister has told me rings true, she's not 'over' me, but she's definitely happy with her position.

Remember, I emailed her back on April 19th, practically desperately begging for something, anything from her. In the email I told her it'd be a long time before I find anyone else. Why do i mention this? Simple. She very well may view me as a possession. And when the time comes that I do find someone else, I'm sure it'll drive her bonkers. And she turned me in to the cops. I'm sure she took great pleasure in this.

Personally, I believe that the tables will turn eventually. She'll be exposed to everyone for the crazy she is, and I'll be vindicated.

Something will happen. Grieving in reverse? Heard plenty of stories of that, I believe it. Goes through a bad breakup and looks for supply? Plenty of stories of that. Paints me white for some reason or another? Heard plenty of that.

Something will cause the tables to turn. Something

You ask me? I think my ex is a master at suppressing her emotions. An absolute master. I think at some point she'll explode. That's her past pattern and there's no reason to believe it stopped now. Just because she's acting normal again