Wife has BPD. I NEED HELP

[Links]

My wife and I were acquaintances in or teens. We are from a small town... .

That was 20+ years ago. We were never friends just knew who each other were. There's a four year age difference. not much now but was back then. IDK that's just some background.

LONG story short is we've been married a couple years. She has BPD and either honestly doesn't know or just wont admit it. I truly think she doesn't know she has it.

AND THE SHORTER STORY IS I'M ABOUT TO GO BAT-oops CRAZY FROM IT AND DONT KNOW WHAT TO DO.  I NEED HELP WITH HOW TO HELP HER. maybe some answers about the disorder itself

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[enlighten me]

Hi links

theres a very good possibility that she doesnt know anything is wrong. That sad she probably has moments where she feels something isnt right. A lot of people with BPD are in denial about their behaviour and feel that its everyone else at fault.

There are lots of tools here for communicating better with pwBPD. There is also a wealth of knowledge about the dissorder and behaviours. I think the most important thing though is there are so many here that have been through or are going through what you are so you know your not alone and arent the crazy one which it can sometimes feel like.

[Links]

I absolutely feel like Im losing my mind a lot of the time. I feel guilty about things I didn't even do.

My big question is how do I show her that she needs help.

How can I show her that I'm not the enemy and am devoted to her.

She gambles a lot. I let her lie about things w/out calling her on it because I thought she'd snap out of it and have less guilt that way (That was before I even heard of BPD) now those lies are our life basically. I think she whole heartedly believes herself. that's her reality now

IDK. I guess my big question is not one big one after all.

Im Lost!

[enlighten me]

It is a minefield. Im not the best to give advice on relationships as I two failed uBPD relationships. I wasnt aware of BPD at the time so didnt have a clue what was going on.

One thimg that isnt recomended though is to come straight out and say you think they have BPD.

There are a lot of experienced people here on the staying boards that can help navigate the minefield.

Im sure as you read some of the posts you will be amazed at the similarities. Its one of the things that helped me realise I wasnt going mad but rather being driven that way.

[Links]

The thing is I see a professional. Ive had a problem with a substance abuse for many years. Been clean several years now. I see a Dr. to get the stuff off my chest, try to catch anything before its a problem. I had read and searched and read some more still hadn't heard of BPD. One session Doc says "Stop Links. I know what is going on" Doc has helped me through a lot, Ive read quite a bit, but I need first hand knowledge. I don't know else to do/say other than what I know. I consider it a fact at this point.

I want to help her. I want my wife and partner. I don't want to divorce her, but if I don't make some type of breakthrough quickly I will have to divorce her strictly to protect myself financially. Shes blown all the savings. all the credit. all the money she made for the last year, one way or another got a hold of a substantial amount of the money I made last year. Im not losing the house.

I isn't a gambling problem though (Well it is but... .) Its a BPD problem. I need help with it. Because I don't want to flush whats left down the toilet.

I love actually that's not a strong enough word for how I feel towards my step kids. I adore them. I would do ABSOLUTELY ANYTHING for those kids. anything right now is trying to figure out how to get through to my wife.

is it even possible? I have devoted myself to her and Ive gone to unbelievable lengths attempting to do so. I didn't know it was BPD I was dealing with until somewhat recently though. I was pounding my head against the wall trying to rationalize with an irrational person. I need help to figure out how I might approach her and get her to see the truth of all that's going on. not to assign blame, to get things moving in a different direction. ANY direction! as long as It stops spiraling uncontrollably downward.

[waverider]

Links

BPD is very confusing and you will need to revise the way you think about things and respond in order to make any progress. There is a lot of info, but you have to work through it in a structured way, ie first things first. To help you do this please work you way slowly through the following Link

Lessons

Waverider

[married21years]

hi

one of the books that helped me

loving someone with BPD, very good in my opinion.

walking on egg shells also good i hear.

GL and we are here for you