How is your sex drive towards your SO wBPD?

[Depression = 72% of members]

This has been a tough situation for me over the last 5-6 years. uBPDw and I have been together almost 9 years and I have a lot of issues being sexually attracted to someone who has tore me down verbally the way she has over all these years. It becomes increasingly more difficult during her pregnancies when she desiring sex more frequently. As a man, I know many men in the world would love this situation and tell me to man up (it's happened before). But, what they fail to understand is some males/females like me become affected on a sexual level in a BP relationship. I do have sex with my wife, but it is maybe once every few months. I feel bad about it, but a lot of times, I just can't feel that desire towards her. At the same time, I don't crave sex at all in any fashion. The point I am at right now, my uBPDw is about to give birth to our 5th child in the next couple weeks. She is miserable. Feels unattractive, swollen from the pregnancy and I completely understand why she feels that way. Another issue I deal with is, pregnancy sexual intercourse is not something I'm comfortable with. I know it's common for a lot of men to have that same response to a pregnant woman. I'm not grossed out, I just feel weird. I see my child moving through her clothes sometimes. I have felt him kick. It bothers me and does not keep me in a sexual mood. I apologize if that offends some on this site.

So all in all, I'm dealing with a double whammy at the moment. She mentioned to me yesterday, she wanted to have sex, if nothing else but to help speed up inducing labor. Given our already skittish sex life and also how she is about to pop, I just can't get into that mode. The BPD makes the whole thing worse and enhances what is already there about her lack of self esteem.

Any words of encouragement would help.

[CastleofGlass]

This has been a tough situation for me over the last 5-6 years. uBPDw and I have been together almost 9 years and I have a lot of issues being sexually attracted to someone who has tore me down verbally the way she has over all these years. It becomes increasingly more difficult during her pregnancies when she desiring sex more frequently. As a man, I know many men in the world would love this situation and tell me to man up (it's happened before). But, what they fail to understand is some males/females like me become affected on a sexual level in a BP relationship. I do have sex with my wife, but it is maybe once every few months. I feel bad about it, but a lot of times, I just can't feel that desire towards her. At the same time, I don't crave sex at all in any fashion. The point I am at right now, my uBPDw is about to give birth to our 5th child in the next couple weeks. She is miserable. Feels unattractive, swollen from the pregnancy and I completely understand why she feels that way. Another issue I deal with is, pregnancy sexual intercourse is not something I'm comfortable with. I know it's common for a lot of men to have that same response to a pregnant woman. I'm not grossed out, I just feel weird. I see my child moving through her clothes sometimes. I have felt him kick. It bothers me and does not keep me in a sexual mood. I apologize if that offends some on this site.

So all in all, I'm dealing with a double whammy at the moment. She mentioned to me yesterday, she wanted to have sex, if nothing else but to help speed up inducing labor. Given our already skittish sex life and also how she is about to pop, I just can't get into that mode. The BPD makes the whole thing worse and enhances what is already there about her lack of self esteem.

Any words of encouragement would help.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[workinprogress]

Well, if it helps, if you did want to have sex with her on a regular basis she would find reasons not to and lose interest in it.

[CastleofGlass]

Well, if it helps, if you did want to have sex with her on a regular basis she would find reasons not to and lose interest in it.

I had thought about this very same thing a while back. Problem is, I would have to ramp up our already minimal sexual encounters. Hopefully, it would get better after the pregnancy. I just feel very disconnected intimately.

[Ceruleanblue]

My sex drive has decreased a ton due to the things he's said and done to me. How do you have desire for someone who seems to keep showing and telling you things that show that they think pretty awful things about you, things you know are not true? It feels like they are wanting to have sex with someone you are not!

[CastleofGlass]

My sex drive has decreased a ton due to the things he's said and done to me. How do you have desire for someone who seems to keep showing and telling you things that show that they think pretty awful things about you, things you know are not true? It feels like they are wanting to have sex with someone you are not!

Exactly my feelings on the matter. What also makes it more difficult as if it isn't already is my wife wants to have this frequent sex life with me, but she never initiates the desire. She won't do anything to hint at or make any physical contact to lead into it. She will only be pissed later when I didn't do anything.

[Hmcbart]

This is my favorite hated subject.

The battle that lead me to finding this site was over sex. I want it and she doesn't. She's been to the doctor multuple times and all hormones are normal. She says she attracted to me but just never in the mood.

I've jumped through every hoop she put up that she said would help but there is nothing but more hoops. The constant dysregulation doesn't help matters either. She will say she needs to be romanced but I don't get that option. In the off chance that she's not painting me black she will have a mysterious headache.

It's difficult to be romantic when you have no idea if you're coming home to happy or other. Top it off, by the time happy shows up and I'm not evil in her eyes, I am too upset with her to try anymore.

Like you Castle, I'm the only one who will initiate anything but I'm so gun shy anymore that I don't. At some point you get tired of trying. That's where I am also, if she came up and asked me to have sex right now I would have to say no. I've done it once before and she painted me black and evil for about 6 months. It's not fair and no fun.

[Michelle27]

I am a woman so not dealing with the difficulties with being attractive to a pregnant spouse, but yes, being sexually attracted to my H has been a huge issue for me.  I am in my mid 40's now and have lost about 140 lbs over the last year and my drive is in general WAY up.  But... .so many things make me not want it with my H.  For years while he dealt with a deep depression, showering was maybe once every couple of days, deoderant wasn't worn by him, brushing teeth MAYBE happened once a month and, well, between the "stink" and the fuzzy teeth, I was turned off big time.  Add in the rages and most of a decade of having to take care of him as much as one of the kids and it's no wonder sex is an issue.

We are currently separated while we each work on our own stuff (him, heading into treatment for BPD and me, getting less triggered, healing from all of the damage of years of emotional abuse, learning to live with out the day to day anxiety about whether this will be the day he rages, etc.).  In the meantime, he is asking for sex... .and it's driving me nuts.  I think it just confuses him.  I did it once in the 2 months we've been separated and I was left feeling used and unsatisfied while he was on top of the world.  I'm not ready to repeat that... .

[waverider]

Wanting to be wanted is a big motivator for her, your reluctance is triggering her abandonment issues.

At times it is hard feeling sexual for someone who you are substantially being the carer for (which is my case). The roles seem to conflict.

My partner is recovering from  breast cancer mastectomy and so that is also having a big impact on her libido. Getting back into it feels more like a case of rehab therapy than feeling in the mood and just it happening normally.

Don't have any real answer for you apart from keep working on being a stronger you and consequences of BPD will have a lessening affect on you and that will lower that barrier.

Maybe practice some mindfulness and staying in the moment rather than stewing on other issues that may have happened, or may happen. Which is closely tied in with residual resentment

[Surg_Bear]

I put several lengthy posts in the Undecided section of this forum-

Still waiting for the honeymoon

There's a lot of honest, soul searching and confession. I put things in that post I've told no one except my Psychiatrist and my closest friend- even my friend hadn't heard the half of it.

I am suffering significant frustration and grief because of the lack of sex in my marriage.

The current sex, once a year, is so, well, terrible, that I'm also at a place where I'm close to closing up shop, and throwing away the key.

Married over 20 years. I'm high on the sexual drive / desire spectrum.  She lives most of her waking hours finding me sexually repulsive, and my male libido to be an attack.

Sex is no longer fun. Her unspoken attitude seems to be, "do your business, but get it over with as fast as you can, and... .By the way... .Avoid skin on skin contact"

I desire her body. But the emotional BS associated with sex, as well as all of the emotional and verbal abuse, rages, crazy making mind games leave me feeling that a sex life with her is off limits, impossible, and mostly just hurtful.

I have a whole new collection of feelings I'm trying to shake- her lack of desire, and an unintentional e-mail sent by mistake to me instead of her therapist documenting how she doesn't have a single shred of sexual desire for me, and that she actually is repulsed by my body; so that I can re-claim my sexuality and love for myself. I have locker room shame now (where there was none previously), and what I thought was kind of sexy about my own body - hirsute overweight, is slowly returning. She basically took my desire, my testicles, and my male dignity, and took a giant crap on them.

Because I am so sex starved, and because I seem to be ultra-flexible with my desire, I seem to be OK stepping up to the plate and fooling around some. I find it impossible to ejaculate at times, when she has been exceptionally psycho, abusive and recently rageful.  I can screw if I'm angry with her, but I cannot let go enough, to really let go, and release the final product.

I need a more mentally stable partner to allow my sex to do what I need so terribly to do- express tenderness, and love. Since she can only receive my sex as an attack and a reliving of childhood sexual abuse, I am stuck being severely sexually neglected, and unable- if allowed- to really let loose, be free, and have some fun.

It is the single worst aspect of being married to a person with BPD, and what is currently threatening the "sanctity" of my own marriage.

Hope this helps you sort out your own Private Idaho... .

Surg_Bear

[Hmcbart]

Surg- I read your other posts and feel we have a lot in common. I have been married for 18 years together for 20. My sex life is pretty much the same as yours. After our first child it went from monthly to quarterly to twice a year to once a year.

I believe my youngest should be an Olympic swimmer because it only took one time for her to get pregnant. After the second child it was 18 months before it happened again. We have friends who had two children in the time we went from conception to the second time we had sex.

Last year I thought we had a break through in MC when she agreed to every other Friday. That lasted 3 months and in those three months it happened 4 times and one was after I threatened to go find someone else to have sex with. I'm no scholar but there are more than 4 Friday's in 3 months, at least that what the calendar says.

I was given a choice by her in December after getting upset with her for having another reason to not have sex. I was told that we would have sex only if she was in the mood. She wasn't going to go out of her way to try and accommodate me in any way. My choice was I can accept this or or can leave. But if I accept the choice I wasn't allowed to take anything to try and lower my libido (tried many things over the years) or master-bate.

That was my choice and in her mind it was fair. In Hanuary I learned about BPD and have a different out look on things. I still do not expect her to try and fulfill my emotional needs and her attempts are minimal at best. I understand what I'm dealing with now and that makes things a little better mentally. I don't like it at all but at the moment I don't have any options if I want to have a life with my kids. I hope she can learn to change as I learn to change me but I'm not holding my breath that it will happen.

I will keep doing what I'm doing and make things better for me and my kids. if she chooses to join us and be part of a loving family great, if not that's ok to. If she decides to be a part of this marriage great, if not its her loss.

[Verbena]

I am not attracted to my husband at all anymore.  We have slept in separate rooms for at least five years and have zero physical contact.  I cannot separate in my mind the nasty, negative, angry person he is the majority of the time from the totally different pleasant person he becomes when he thinks sex could happen.  To me, that is manipulative and a complete turn-off. 

I have told my husband this is how I feel and why.  I have told him I would like to discuss our issues, but he refuses. 

[Hmcbart]

My wife says something similar to me, but the truth is the nasty, negative and angry person is mostly just a projection of her behavior on to me.

I do get this way on occasion but only after weeks of dealing with the criticisms, belittling comments, and silent treatment. I can only be nice for so long before I need to switch roles in the triangle.

She doesn't see the nice, romantic guy she married because she is too busy painting me black and blaming me for all of her anger.

It's inescapable and always present.

[vortex of confusion]

I have tried to avoid this thread because sex with my husband is a touchy subject for me. I have a high drive but I don't feel much attraction to my husband. I feel guilty saying that but it is difficult to get the juices flowing when I know that our sessions will largely be focused on him and his needs. I have spent a lot of years trying to figure out how to get him more interested in me or more willing to give more attention to my sexual needs.

I will be honest and admit that I had a lover for a while. I had my husband's permission as we were experimenting with an open marriage. The differences in how I felt about my friend versus how I felt about my husband was kind of eye opening for me. I didn't realize how bad the sex was between me and my husband. I have no idea how to talk to him about it. The most ironic thing of all is that he is a self proclaimed sex addict. How can I be married to a sex addict yet get no satisfaction? Try explaining that to other people. In theory, somebody with a high drive being married to a sex addict sounds like the perfect match. Not the case at all!

[Hmcbart]

I asked for an open marriage after realizing that my needs do not even show up as a blip on her radar. That went over like a lead balloon. He idea of making me feel wanted and needed is how she wants me to take out the trash and how she needs me to change the oil in the car.

Of course my next comment was about to be, "will we be naked?" But I decided to laugh to myself in that one. Sadly if she did say yes to an open marriage I couldn't do it. I've been with her for 20 years and no one else. I would probably think about for a long time though!

[Surg_Bear]

I asked for an open marriage after realizing that my needs do not even show up as a blip on her radar. That went over like a lead balloon. He idea of making me feel wanted and needed is how she wants me to take out the trash and how she needs me to change the oil in the car.

Of course my next comment was about to be, "will we be naked?" But I decided to laugh to myself in that one. Sadly if she did say yes to an open marriage I couldn't do it. I've been with her for 20 years and no one else. I would probably think about for a long time though!

_______________________________________________

I feel the same way-

Even though I threatened:

1.  We have more sex

2.  We have an open marriage

3.  Divorce

Truth is, all I was willing to take was # 1.  I don't think I could do an open marriage. My psychiatrist pointed out that my sex is too intimately associated with my heart.  I express love, tenderness, and genuine caring with it; and my heart would always be with my wife.

I found this to be true when we divorced. We were apart for five years. I stayed celibate for nearly all of it, because I loved her, and deep down, knew she would come back to me. When my loneliness got unbearable, I began a relationship with a lovely woman.  Sex was not great. I realized how perfectly my body fits my wife's body- like puzzle pieces.  As my wife and I began to reconcile, I had relations with both women for a brief time- I was fighting "erectile dysfunction" with the one, but performed like a stud with my wife. (Both women were separated by a three hour flight, and there was no way either could know.  I was flying in to see my kid, and was a visiting lover with my ex on weekends, and back "home" to have a typical boyfriend girlfriend type dating relationship with the other).  Not particularly proud of my two timing behavior, but it did illustrate to me that my wife was a better sexual fit.  Because she had me painted white, and really wanted me back, we had sex several times a day, during those weekend child visitation visits.  I just didn't enjoy the sex I was having with "the other woman" due to the diminishing love I was experiencing with her.

An open marriage would not work for me.

So, I'm really starting to face the cold stark reality:  if I really want sex (fun, mutually enjoyable, considerate and loving sex) it is NOT going to happen with my wife.  Not ever. Never.

Do I want sex more than my marriage?

This dilemma is really starting to eat at my soul. 

My children are the critical consideration. If there were no children, I would never have all of my BPD Family friends, because I would have left her in medical school, when she had her first, shocking, and psychotic rage because I chose to learn how to do a pelvic exam, rather than stay true to my marriage vows.  Yes, my first year of medical school ( the impossible accomplishment of my life long dream to be a doctor, and she raged that a pelvic exam on a woman was an act of infidelity. ) I should have left.  No kids were in our life at that that time.

Sorry to high jack this thread.  I'm not as narcissistic as my high jacking would suggest. I'm just SO upset about my once a year sex life.

So upset.

"Midlife Crisis" - the time I'm supposed to buy a Porsche 911, hook up a hot, younger chick, and drive off into the sunset.

Except I'm more of a BMW M3 kind of guy.  And my midlife crisis will probably involve a same sex relationship, because of how deeply hurt I am by women.

Surg_Bear

[an0ught]

I am a woman so not dealing with the difficulties with being attractive to a pregnant spouse, but yes, being sexually attracted to my H has been a huge issue for me.  I am in my mid 40's now and have lost about 140 lbs over the last year and my drive is in general WAY up.  But... .so many things make me not want it with my H.  For years while he dealt with a deep depression, showering was maybe once every couple of days, deoderant wasn't worn by him, brushing teeth MAYBE happened once a month and, well, between the "stink" and the fuzzy teeth, I was turned off big time.  Add in the rages and most of a decade of having to take care of him as much as one of the kids and it's no wonder sex is an issue.

We are currently separated while we each work on our own stuff (him, heading into treatment for BPD and me, getting less triggered, healing from all of the damage of years of emotional abuse, learning to live with out the day to day anxiety about whether this will be the day he rages, etc.).  In the meantime, he is asking for sex... .and it's driving me nuts.  I think it just confuses him.  I did it once in the 2 months we've been separated and I was left feeling used and unsatisfied while he was on top of the world.  I'm not ready to repeat that... .

I don't think attraction can be restored before some modicum of respect and self respect on both sides is restored. Within an enmeshed relationship where attraction has been lost it is hard to push for anything. It is actually hard to know who is who and responsible for what. Restoration of basic boundaries can change relationship dynamics a lot. When daily senseless and exhausting fighting returns to a mode where conflicts are not dreaded but are ok and healthy it open new options.

[Hmcbart]

Surge-  I threatened the same things but ultimately I'm all talk. I wouldn't be able to do it after so many years with the same person. I honestly don't know if I would even if we were divorced. Not sure I want to bring my emotional baggage into another relationship. I think she has really screwed up my head to the point where I don't think I could trust another women emotionally. As you said you're bi-sexual and would be with a man, I only go one way and don't have any other options.

I guess it's like the lyrics "we're all here because we're not all there!"

[CastleofGlass]

I appreciate all the responses and feedback so far. It seems to be a varying situation with all of you so far as I would have imagined.

Waverider I had 100% come to the conclusion that my lack of desire was triggering an abandonment emotion from her. The problem is, up until now, I didn't care how I made her feel. I was tired of being insulted and completely tore down mentally and emotionally. Two wrongs do not make a right, but I was almost bending over backwards for many years with my wife and took a lot of verbal assaults. At some point, I don't care who you are, enough is enough and you either lash out or suck your self into a protective shell. I went with the latter. It was a toxic decision. It put me in a place as a person I did not want to be for many years. At the moment, my T has said as of yesterday, that I am experiencing the "anger" phase of the grieving process. The grieving process of discovering what it is my wife suffers from. The shock of this is the rest of my life should I choose to remain with this person. It is difficult. Right now, I am committed to taking my steps to make this a more successful marriage and family. But, there are many things in my personality that need to be modified and I cannot multitask.

[waverider]

The anger part of grieving at the loss of control over your own environment is quite normal, I had bucket loads of that. You feel severely ripped off and manipulated, and scarred. This leaves you in survival mode and feeling like a victim.

Eventually the grieving passes and you get to a point where you start to make informed choices. Knowing you have made choices is more empowering and from then on you can focus more on thriving and rebuilding rather than simply just surviving. That is when more effective changes take place as resentment gives way to periodic frustrations.

Resentment provides residual fuel for any potential conflict, all it takes is a spark and its on again. Resentment is palpable and the other person can sense it and feels victimized and can even prod you to bring it out to expose you as a perpetrator and validate their victim status.

This change is a slow evolution, it won't happen overnight. Avoiding conflict is no1job. Trying to appease is not an effective means of avoiding it either as we all know it just pushes harder.

It is hard to promote any balanced affection whilst conflict is still a major issue.

[Surg_Bear]

Resentment provides residual fuel for any potential conflict, all it takes is a spark and its on again. Resentment is palpable and the other person can sense it and feels victimized and can even prod you to bring it out to expose you as a perpetrator and validate their victim status.

This change is a slow evolution, it won't happen overnight. Avoiding conflict is no1job. Trying to appease is not an effective means of avoiding it either as we all know it just pushes harder.

It is hard to promote any balanced affection whilst conflict is still a major issue.

The part about the resentment being sensed and the resented feels victimized by it- these are words of wisdom. A fresh insight into how a non's private suffering can be twisted into an "attack" by the partner wBPD.

This has helped me understand why / how my wife was able to sit in our last marriage therapy session and with clear conscience LIE about just who is perpetuating the abuse in our marriage. I was beyond furious in the moment, but I had enough sense to hold back my desire to stand up, say good bye and walk completely away from this marriage. If I would have done that, my behavior would have proved her point precisely.

So, thank you for sharing this Waverider. It's a lesson I am trying desperately to own this, effect a change in my way of being in my relationship.

I also agree with your last statement- balanced affection cannot exist in a relationship where conflict is an active issue. There is no relationship involving a person wBPD without conflict. It is just not possible. So, I would add that none of us here- Staying in a BPD Relationship- should ever expect to have a relationship with balanced affection. If one person in a relationship suffers BPD, there can't be a balanced level of anything. What we must do, if the relationship is going to last, is to lose the expectation that affection, or emotional maturity, or ability to be intimate in any way is going to be balanced.  Conflict can be minimized, but can never be eliminated in any relationship- but in healthy relationships between two emotionally mature adults conflicts and balanced affection can co-exist in harmony and love. None of us here, though - staying in a relationship with a loved one suffering BPD will ever find themselves on an equal and balanced playing field.  We carry the heavier workload, and the burden is on ourselves to accept the realities of this- in the bedroom, kitchen, garage and the whole world.

I do appreciate everyone's contributions to this thread- it's all been very enlightening.

Thank you, and have a great weekend!

Surg_Bear

[waverider]

 We carry the heavier workload, and the burden is on ourselves to accept the realities of this- in the bedroom, kitchen, garage and the whole world.


Surg_Bear

This is important, however it need not be a burden. It can become a choice rather than an imposition. If you don't allow yourself to become lost in all the "unfairness" you can take your pay off in other areas. It is up to you to find those areas of trade off.

Sometimes we get too hung up on eliminating BPD traits and having things split down the middle as the measure of a successful result... .It is happy to have a successful and happy outcome with dysfunction and "unfairness" still present.

[workinprogress]

 We carry the heavier workload, and the burden is on ourselves to accept the realities of this- in the bedroom, kitchen, garage and the whole world.


Surg_Bear

This is important, however it need not be a burden. It can become a choice rather than an imposition. If you don't allow yourself to become lost in all the "unfairness" you can take your pay off in other areas. It is up to you to find those areas of trade off.

Sometimes we get too hung up on eliminating BPD traits and having things split down the middle as the measure of a successful result... .It is happy to have a successful and happy outcome with dysfunction and "unfairness" still present.

I have a good buddy that has Crohn's Disease.  It is a progressive disease that will eventually kill him.  He is very upbeat and has a great attitude.  We were talking one day and he said, "you living with your wife is like me living with Crohn's.  You just have to learn to live with it and make the most of it."

He was 100% correct.

[formflier]

 

I'm late to the discussion on this... .I've been married 20 years... .and have 8 kids. 

For the most part... .our sex life has been a respite from the BPD world... .

Luckily... .wife and I have same attitudes about sex.  We are conservative Christian... .and sex is for the other person... .we (I) get pleasure from "serving" my wife's needs... .and vice versa.

So... .if we are not in the mood (except for limited times when we are in prayer)... .we are "supposed to" serve the other when they want it... .and I get served when I want it.

There are some basic assumptions about feelings... .really two different schools of thought (IMO).

1.  If you don't feel like doing something... .don't do it.

2.  If you don't feel like doing something... .do it anyway... .do your best... .and hopefully your heart will "follow" your actions.

I've picked number 2 for most things in my life (assuming those things are in line with my values).  Number 1 isn't wrong... .just not how I've chosen to live my life.

So... .some Sunday mornings I don't "feel" like going to church... .but I go anyway... .do the best I can... .and it is rare for me to return home and be disappointed I went... .usually my heart will change.

Same with sex... .there are times I've put "put out" with it... .but I get up the best effort I can (yep... .went there... .) ... .and go for it.  It's rare when it is all over that I wish I had skipped it.

When I do wish I had skipped it... .I usually get over it after a good nights sleep.

Hopefully this helps... .

FF

[Thread]

I have no interest.

I am in the same boat as ceruleanblue:

My sex drive has decreased a ton due to the things he's said and done to me. How do you have desire for someone who seems to keep showing and telling you things that show that they think pretty awful things about you, things you know are not true? It feels like they are wanting to have sex with someone you are not!

[IsItHerOrIsItMe]

So all in all, I'm dealing with a double whammy at the moment. She mentioned to me yesterday, she wanted to have sex, if nothing else but to help speed up inducing labor.

Wow, and they say men are the un-romantic ones... .

My w's sex drive is > mine... .Most the time she says she'd do it every night (although that's not true, she'd certainly be willing 90% of the time).

I think it's more a tool to highlight her insecurities.  Even though we're 50+ years old, what guy wouldn't want it every night?  So the "obvious" conclusion is I don't find her attractive... .I'm getting satisfied someplace else... .

She'll even stop, mid-performance, and start a discussion on why she "feels I don't find her attractive", hours later when I just want to get to sleep that's just more "evidence". 

[ColdEthyl]

My sexual relationship with my husband is what first drew me to this site over a year ago. On top of everything else going on... .I had to know if this was some sort of symptom.

It seems like a lot of pwBPD have sexual issues. In my case, my H was raped as a child, and over the past month we have talked a lot more about how he feels. For him, sex has always been awkward and weird for him. The past few years he's suffered from ED issues. Whether they are physical or psychological I'm not sure, but I know his mindset plays a huge part. He's constantly afraid of 'failing' by not being able to finish, so he'd rather not try. He's told me before he could live the rest of his life without sex and die happy.

For me, my sex drive has always been a bit high... .but lately I don't even feel like trying. I am anyways because like FF pointed out, I'd rather keep trying until I want it again. But... .getting turned down over and over and over just makes me feel unattractive. It makes me wonder if he ever found me attractive, or is he looking for someone else? Is he tired of me already?

The idea of sex puts so much fear and anxiety into him he looks at me like I'm going to victimize him when I try to initiate anything.

I'm not sure what the answer is, but he has brought up wanting to start counseling for our intimacy issues. Is your spouse willing to try that?

[vortex of confusion]

For me, my sex drive has always been a bit high... .but lately I don't even feel like trying. I am anyways because like FF pointed out, I'd rather keep trying until I want it again. But... .getting turned down over and over and over just makes me feel unattractive. It makes me wonder if he ever found me attractive, or is he looking for someone else? Is he tired of me already?

I could have written this!

I tried for our anniversary. It failed. The thing that bugs me is the fact that he doesn't even seem interested in giving me non-sexual attention at times. It is frustrating to say the least. I just want to get laid without all of the BS.

[ColdEthyl]

I tried for our anniversary. It failed. The thing that bugs me is the fact that he doesn't even seem interested in giving me non-sexual attention at times. It is frustrating to say the least. I just want to get laid without all of the BS.

Higher Amens were never called for so hard before this moment, sister. 

[CastleofGlass]

Haven't checked back into this thread since the beginning but overall, good posts by all. The popular vote on here though seems to be the non wanting the sex more than the pwBPD. Very different than my situation. It's been increasingly difficult as of late. uBPDw is 35 weeks pregnant and miserable. She has put out hints of having sex just to get things moving because she is ready to get this kid out (He is huge!). Biggest issue now isn't just the act of sex, but my being uncomfortable with pregnant sex. It's a hurdle I have not in 3 pregnancies been able to get over and I don't think I will. It's not that I find her unattractive due to the pregnancy. It is the act of intercourse with my unborn child in her body moving around and I can see it. It is a common feeling in men so I have read and heard even from my T. Now, my T had suggested that it didn't have to be intercourse, as there were other ways to make her feel wanted. Problem is, if I did other things, she would want it to lead into intercourse which I just can't get over mentally.

I am just stuck between a rock and hard place on this, no pun intended.

[Cat Familiar]

My sex drive has totally vanished for my BPDh, which is interesting because I was so highly turned on by him before. It's a cumulation of the drunken behavior, the snoring, the BPD nastiness, the crazy making rages--who the hell wants to fu@k such a whack job? As my hormones are diminishing, I really have absolutely no desire for him, other than curiosity about whether it would still be somewhat fun. Sad, because I once had a very high sex drive.