waiting too long to address an issue(s)?

[byfaith]

there are couple of issues that I need to discuss with my wife. (Really more than a couple) My first thought on the day they occurred was "instead of making an issue of it let it sink in and see if it is still bothering me a few days later" They are still bothering me and I need to bring them up.

First, is that a wrong way to deal with something? waiting to see if it really matters?

Ok here is number one: a week ago sunday I had to go into work, which made it my 9th day straight of having to work which is rare. So I am driving to work on Sunday and my wife calls and asks me what's going on? I said still on my way to work. I said "calling cause you miss me huh?" She said "no just wanted to see if you made it to work ok" I asked her what she was doing and she said she was on google maps looking at a specific lake area. I said " I had just passed through there a bout 10 minutes ago". Well about that time my iPhone started making a weird noise and I looked down and the find my iPhone notification was going off. Well stupid me says "oh you are tracking where I am?" I did not say it mean or even accusing? she  kind of laughed and said "well it's not because I don't trust you, I was just wanting to see the blue dot moving" First I should not have said that my phone went off to see if she would have said anything. I don't think she would have ever told me. (do they ever trust you?)

Second issue which is a slightly more bothersome to me. Ok this involves an ex lover from 20 years ago and then she tried to rekindle something with him a year and half ago. Long story. Fast forward to now. This person had a daughter who passed away early last week from complications she had suffered from a car accident 10 or so years ago. My wife asked if we could send a sympathy card to this person. Ok this person is not my enemy but he is not my friend either, I do feel bad the man lost his daughter. She was like it would be from Me, you and her son's name. I said well, not really.

I said "I feel bad he lost his daughter but if you send anything it should be to her mother" I stood there and was quiet for a few minutes and didn't say anything and then she asked " why are you staring out into space, what's wrong?" I said "nothing". Ok, she never sent a card to the girls mother. If I have this correct, you send sympathy cards to people you have some kind of emotional connection to. Not someone who tried or took part in trying to break up your marriage.

I feel like crap on the inside almost everyday over stuff like this…I am going to talk about it but my wife has this way of getting the blame off of her. It will end up somehow being about me being a victim.

 

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[an0ught]

Hi byfaith,

good question - when and how to give feedback.

- As a general rule feedback is given best in the situation or close in time. Leaving things to fester is not a good idea.

- Another general rule is that pwBPD tend to be overly excited in a situation and are not able to listen. Also we are when we hit this board exhausted and thin skinned.

Now we simply have to square the ball and fit it through the round hole 


What strategies could work with a pwBPD knowing all our limitations?

1) Give feedback in the situation.

    a) Keep it straight, SET style and don't become controlling. Accept that feedback may be discounted or ignored. You've done your task. Possibly a seed for change has been planted.

    b) Be emotional, be honest with your emotion. Possibly leads to a clash where both sides storm off. But at least the topic made it on the table, can't fester, people were honest and nobody was badly hurt.

2) Give feedback later.

    a) SET style - let the other person come to own conclusion. Don't use SET to be passive aggressive, if you know what you want then use... .

    b) DEARMAN - tell the other person what is in your eyes not ok and make it clear you want change

3) What not to do

    a) Maintain long laundry lists. Is just a mental tax on yourself. Focus on the few points that matter, where change would make a difference and which are in reach.

    b) Mix issues, bring more than one topic up.

[byfaith]

thank you for your advice. I didn't get to read it until this morning. I pretty much did all the thing s you mentioned. We got through it without a fight actually, it was good. Other things were discussed but I did not bring up the subject of the tracking my phone but we discussed other relationship issues.

I find the more I discuss the "better" things seem to be. I wasn't controlling in anything. It was good to get my feeling out on the table without it causing a major blow up. At least this time