First sign that something as very off/wrong with your BPD-SO?

[WhatJustHappened?]

When I got an audio recording three weeks into our relationship that was very sexual in nature (embarrassing). When I was hesitant in reacting, she began to tell me how lucky I was to receive such a recording and questioned my interest because I did not respond the way she wanted. I should have walked then.

[klacey3]

In the first couple of months we had a bath together and somehow it leaked and caused alot of damage to the ceiling below. He said that he might get kicked out of his house because of it and if he does it will be my fault and he would never see me again as if he is homeless he would always remember I was the reason. He explained it was my fault because it was my idea to have a bath. (Turns out there was a hole in the pipe that caused it and he wasnt even in trouble for it)

When I took longer than a fee minutes to reply to a read message he would tell me I was playing games and being horrible for ignoring him.

Finding out he jumped from one person to the other without moving on first. Telling me also all of his exes were headcases and he didn't want any of them as official girlfriends and another time he told me he was dumped in his past relationships, has lied to girls about loving them to make them feel better, even the one he lived with for a year.

I wasnt in the mood one night so he sat w******g to porn right in front of me. When I said I thought it was disrespectful to do right next to me he told me to go home (at like 1am) as he wouldnt put up with me 'controlling him in his own home and told me he didnt want to see me again. A day later he invited me round like nothing had happened.

[UserName69]

She asked me if I came to her place to watch a movie. She told me that her exBF left her, he had some of his stuff at her place. He was coming on the day of our date, she texted me that he was her and she's going to kick him out. First she told me that she was emotional, so I was talking with her and suddenly she jumped on me and kissed me out of nothing before I knew it I was doing her in bed while her exBF left one hour ago. I asked her well what if I had a girlfriend? She told me that she wouldn't know her so she doesn't care.

Later I found out that she slapped him when he was crying she told me that she lost all the respect she had for him when he started to cry. Now I have lost all the respect I had for my exBPD.

[SummerStorm]

When on our 6th month anniversary she got flowers from me, then literally the next day (an overnight change) decreased our communication by about 90%, went through 2 weeks of barely talking to me and making up lies about why she was unavailable all the sudden... .then exactly 2 weeks later in a text told me that I was such a good friend... .and disappeared. Good times.

Ah, yes... .the lies about suddenly being busy and unavailable.  Funny, since mine was apparently just going home and smoking pot all night.  She went from never having plans to suddenly saying I was "clingy" and texting her too often and berating me for not considering that she might have plans.  Hilarious, since she once sent me 18 texts while I was sleeping one night and used to text me for as many as four or five hours straight.   

Just for the hell of it, I went back and randomly picked a few days closer to the beginning of our interaction and counted the number of texts we sent each other. Um, not proud to say, since I was a part of it, but we'd exchange 130-150 texts over the course of a day. Over the last 2 weeks, it would maybe be 5-10 texts per day because she was busy with work, friends, the phone died, etc. Frankly, if a woman I have never went out with lies to me about being busy and all that because she isn't interested, I'm alright with it. But if it is somebody you have interacted with on the daily basis for 6 months straight... .

Yep.  Mine would text me at work, especially during her lunch or planning period.  And we would e-mail back and forth.  I'm not proud to say that we even sent each other sexually explict texts during the day.  Since we are both teachers, this was obviously risky.  But for the last few weeks, she wouldn't text me at all during the day, and if she did, it wasn't anything important or interesting.  When she got home, I was lucky if I got an "Ok" as a reply.

[cj488]

Several little flags were waving with my exBPDgf but I chose not to pay attention, enamored as I was with her hypnotic beauty and alluring sexuality. In the honeymoon, love-bombing, pedestal stage, she repeated things I had said as if they were her own thoughts, so little was her separation from me. She cheated on her boyfriend to be with me at the start, and it did not occur to me that she would do the same to me (she later did). She once got wildly jealous and upset about the smallest thing, and then later put me down viciously about it? She then mumbled under her breath to me, "All my boyfriends leave me... ." What did you say? "Oh, nothing... ." Sex was a fantasy-land, mind-blowing, dream world, but once I committed to the relationship, sex became a torture chamber of horrors. BPDs enjoy the chase, not the capture. Never again. My anti-BPD radar is WAY out there!

[SummerStorm]

  BPDs enjoy the chase, not the capture.

I couldn't have said it better myself.  She went after me, probably largely due to the fact that I was inexperienced and also in love with her.  She knew I would cave.  I tried several times to tell her that we shouldn't be having sex because she was still in a relationship with someone else, but she kept pushing me.  She didn't force herself on me.  If I would have said "no," she absolutely would have stopped, but she also didn't give up her seduction.  Her life motto was, "I always get what I want."   

[problemsolver]

hmmm good question I'd say the "stories" about abusive/controlling boyfriends...

She was always playing the victim which upon research I suppose she was a waif at least in the early stages when she was trying to hook me in... her boyfriends were always bad guys leaving her for other girls then magically taking her back down the road... .her boyfriends used to "fight her"... stories about how her boyfriend wouldn't let her leave her room he was so controlling yadadada... looking back honestly it was probably the opposite he was probably just a door mat nice guy being put through the ringer.

Stalker stories... How one man would stalk her at her work... stories about how guys would phone her off there friends phones... putting 1+1 together now she was basically saying she cuts people out of her life... then they either have to contact her from an unblocked number to talk to her or "hunt her down" for closure in person... .none of this clicked at the time but at the end of the day now it all makes perfect sense... she's just a different beast and I don't know if she will change anytime soon.

To be honest I never really analyzed what she was telling me as I never "planned" to really get involved with her at all it just kind of happened organically at least in my head.

[Beach_Babe]

When, after a few weeks of dating, I had 79 missed calls one night and she had attempted suicide (by strangling herself) with the ribbon she got from a boquet of flowers I gave her.

Seriously? Oh wow. This sounds like one of those bad Lifetime movies.

Klacey: maybe you should have just  drowned him in the bathtub. Lol

[Danie14]

Honestly, the way he kissed me…it was like he was literally trying to suck the life out of me…I clearly remember this and thought…it’s ok….but I think deep down even then I knew it wasn’t right.

Other early red flags, for the life of me I didn’t know they were red flags…I honestly thought “wow this man loves me so much!” when in fact it wasn’t “love” it was need. It took me years and years…and years…to take them rose colored glasses off and face the reality with no filters. I’m still working toward that real reality.

[coldmist]

It always bothered me that I could never tell how my exgf felt except of course when she raged. I'm very empathetic and I can usually read and sense how people feel. With her though there was like some kind of barrier. I could always sense something was off about her though.

She's very health conscious like eating healthy and doing yoga yet she smokes cigarettes. I tried getting her to quit during out relationship but that was a waste of effort.

She has a cat yet she said she doesn't understand why people take animals to a vet. She also talked about how her sister killed a couple cats yet she's gotten new ones. That all had me going What the heck. I know now that her whole family is screwed up.

She was talking crap about her "cokehead" sister yet she said she understands when people drink while they use cocaine because it calms them down. I asked if she knew this from first hand experience and I got an insincere sounding no. I don't drink, smoke, or use drugs so that was alarming to me.

Another big red flag was that she had ended up in the hospital unable to even remember her name sometime before I had met her. The doctors thought she had brain cancer but she ended up being fine. She said she wouldn't tell anyone what happened except that it was her ex's fault, who she was still with when I met her and I was groomed to replace. I know this is true because her mother was helping her pay the medical bills. That one really got me wondering about her. This was on top of the numerous other bad things that she told me had happened to her like being date rape drugged, etc.

When the crazy irrational behavior started like the extreme day to day mood swings and push/pull, that's when it finally became clear that something was really wrong with her.

[Pretty Woman]

Well we had sex on the first date (my bad self esteem) and within the first week she was telling me all about her horrible exes... .childhood and sexcapades. I found out she was in a bdsm group, had a poly relationship with a husband and wife and had a child she put up for adoption... .not to mention she was hooked on drugs in her youth, raped twice.

I clearly was a white knight.

I agree with the other poster about when she kissed me she sucked the life out of me. After awhile I was so drained from this.

[SummerStorm]

hmmm good question I'd say the "stories" about abusive/controlling boyfriends...

She was always playing the victim which upon research I suppose she was a waif at least in the early stages when she was trying to hook me in... her boyfriends were always bad guys leaving her for other girls then magically taking her back down the road... .her boyfriends used to "fight her"... stories about how her boyfriend wouldn't let her leave her room he was so controlling yadadada... looking back honestly it was probably the opposite he was probably just a door mat nice guy being put through the ringer.

Stalker stories... How one man would stalk her at her work... stories about how guys would phone her off there friends phones... putting 1+1 together now she was basically saying she cuts people out of her life... then they either have to contact her from an unblocked number to talk to her or "hunt her down" for closure in person... .none of this clicked at the time but at the end of the day now it all makes perfect sense... she's just a different beast and I don't know if she will change anytime soon.

Yes, I got the same stories.  One boyfriend supposedly bashed her head through a wall.  Another supposedly took naked pictures of her and had them on his computer and later stalked her and picked the lock of her apartment after she broke up with him. 

[SummerStorm]

I agree with the other poster about when she kissed me she sucked the life out of me. After awhile I was so drained from this.

This happened the first time we had sex.  I had never been with anyone before and had only ever kissed two people, and we're talking quick kisses.  For weeks, we had been flirting, and it's not like I wasn't ready to have sex.  I am 29 and honestly was just ready to get it over with.  But when she first kissed me, it was so abrupt and out of nowhere.  And this was days after she had decided that it was better to remain just friends and a day after she said that she probably shouldn't come over to my house at all because it might hurt me too much.  And her kisses literally did suck the life out of me.  After that first time, they weren't as intense, but they were overwhelming the first time. 

Later, she would text me and tell me that she missed my "sweet lady kisses."  I'm still not sure if she said that because she was trying to appease me or because it's something she wanted but knew would never really make her happy. 

[Low C]

The first sign was almost 9 months into the relationship.  We made dinner at my house one evening, I had some music playing on the laptop.  She called me up angry the next day because one song I had played was an obscure indie musician who had apparently known a friend of hers in college (not that I had any way of knowing any of this).  This apparently had triggered some sort of confusion or disturbance in her.  She yelled at me, accused me of being thoughtless, accused me of ruining her concentration on some projects and hobbies and threatened to break up with me.  Eventually she calmed down and I didn't know quite what to think.

The next day, she was away visiting family and called me to tell me she was two weeks pregnant.  So I thought I had an explanation for her bizarre behavior, and more important things to worry about, right?

The next day, she called me and told me she'd had a miscarriage overnight.

Her mental state went downhill from there, and I forgave, overlooked and was calm about all of it, thinking it was some kind of hormonal fallout.  This went on for another full year before I started looking for some other kind of explanation, and found how much her behavior fit into pretty much every BPD pattern.  Her time with me, and what I learned about her life before we were involved.  I'm still not positive if the pregnancy/miscarriage was real or imaginary.

[NonBPDEx]

My exBPDgf told me her first sexual experience was with a guy in a bathroom stall as a teen. She said it was horrific, and it traumatized her.

Never the less, I found out later that a couple of months before she met me, she had visited this guy and had an affair with him. She was married at the time, and the guy she visited was married too.

I asked her if the guy's wife new, and she said 'no'. She said she was not too proud of herself.

The first and only time she really raged at me was when I tried to empathize with her about this.

Quite insane to think I am missing this woman now... .

[hergestridge]

I think it was our third date or something like that. We had been fooling around in bed and afterwards she couldn't find her glasses. She lost her temper and got in a rage. When she eventually found her glasses she was in such a bad mood that she didn't talk to me for the whole evening afterwards. And this was the third time we met. It was also obvious that she was very eager to continue our relationship and move it forward very fast.

After this particular incident I remember I considered breaking up but instead I pretended like nothing had happened, hoping it would be a one time thing. What an idiot I was.

[SummerStorm]

I think it was our third date or something like that. We had been fooling around in bed and afterwards she couldn't find her glasses. She lost her temper and got in a rage. When she eventually found her glasses she was in such a bad mood that she didn't talk to me for the whole evening afterwards. And this was the third time we met. It was also obvious that she was very eager to continue our relationship and move it forward very fast.

I told mine that we would have to drive to work separately because I needed to stay for an evening meeting.  Apparently, she had planned on me driving so she could put her makeup on in the car, though she never told me this.  The original plan was that she was going to stay over at my place on Tuesday and Wednesday and go home on Thursday--at least, that was what I had thought.  She immediately got quiet and gave me that look that says, "You messed up, and I am not happy about it."  At work, she barely talked to me that day, but she got all pouty when I was annoyed and stressed after work and didn't want to talk to her.  I tried to apologize for being short with her, and she completely ignored me and then later told me that I was being annoying and clingy.  When I mentioned this the next day, she acted like she had no idea what I was talking about. 

Two months after we became friends, she asked me to get an apartment with her.  I said no.  She also asked her boyfriend, whom she'd been dating for a month.  He also said no.  Then, she asked me again, and I said no.  When her boyfriend finally caved, she ended up having sex with me the night before she moved in with him.  That was also the first time that we had even kissed.  I had strong feelings for her and was very attracted to her, and she had already told me that she had considered leaving him for me several times.  Of course, she had also told me that she was trying to practice restraint.  When I mentioned that to her that night, she just laughed.  Later, after one of the many times that she chose him over me, she told me that, had I agreed to move in with her when she first asked, it would have changed everything.  And really, it probably would have.  It would have been me in a terrible relationship, and it would have been me trying to wrestle a pill bottle from her and having to call an ambulance.  Man, am I glad that I said no and dodged that bullet. 

[Inside]

Good question  ... .what first struck me was the way she’d take any statement - then determine how to use it either with/ for me - or against me.  That now seems a control thing, as in, her mood will dictate our communications.  

No matter how carefully I’d ‘craft’ a statement, she’d be the determining factor as to ‘what I meant.’  ... .and that was only the beginning

[Infared]

I think it was our third date or something like that. We had been fooling around in bed and afterwards she couldn't find her glasses. She lost her temper and got in a rage. When she eventually found her glasses she was in such a bad mood that she didn't talk to me for the whole evening afterwards. And this was the third time we met. It was also obvious that she was very eager to continue our relationship and move it forward very fast.

I told mine that we would have to drive to work separately because I needed to stay for an evening meeting.  Apparently, she had planned on me driving so she could put her makeup on in the car, though she never told me this.  The original plan was that she was going to stay over at my place on Tuesday and Wednesday and go home on Thursday--at least, that was what I had thought.  She immediately got quiet and gave me that look that says, "You messed up, and I am not happy about it."  At work, she barely talked to me that day, but she got all pouty when I was annoyed and stressed after work and didn't want to talk to her.  I tried to apologize for being short with her, and she completely ignored me and then later told me that I was being annoying and clingy.  When I mentioned this the next day, she acted like she had no idea what I was talking about. 

Two months after we became friends, she asked me to get an apartment with her.  I said no.  She also asked her boyfriend, whom she'd been dating for a month.  He also said no.  Then, she asked me again, and I said no.  When her boyfriend finally caved, she ended up having sex with me the night before she moved in with him.  That was also the first time that we had even kissed.  I had strong feelings for her and was very attracted to her, and she had already told me that she had considered leaving him for me several times.  Of course, she had also told me that she was trying to practice restraint.  When I mentioned that to her that night, she just laughed.  Later, after one of the many times that she chose him over me, she told me that, had I agreed to move in with her when she first asked, it would have changed everything.  And really, it probably would have.  It would have been me in a terrible relationship, and it would have been me trying to wrestle a pill bottle from her and having to call an ambulance.  Man, am I glad that I said no and dodged that bullet. 

The thing is... .they show us right up front what kind of people they are... .but because we are sexually attracted to them we overlook EVERYTHING bad about them. Right.  Long before I dated mine... .and I was just lightly friendly to her in a seasonal work situation... .she was living with someone and having an affair on the guy with a married man with kids. The guy looked like Ronald MacDonald.  Did that stop me... .no.  WHAT was I thinking.

A few years later I am the guy she is living with who is being cheated on.  DUH!   

If I am responsible about the whole think... .I really made bad decisions with a very selfish, mentally ill person.  Why did I think it would be different for me?  It sure wasn't and she showed you that there would be nothing but pain and heartache there for you, too.  Right?

[Beach_Babe]

Hmm well he used to hit his head, rock back and forth and wring his hands when sad or upset. When happy he'd dawn a set of headphones and rock side to side making these weird grunting noises.

[Beach_Babe]

Well we had sex on the first date (my bad self esteem) and within the first week she was telling me all about her horrible exes... .childhood and sexcapades. I found out she was in a bdsm group, had a poly relationship with a husband and wife and had a child she put up for adoption... .not to mention she was hooked on drugs in her youth, raped twice.

. Holy ghost

[Trog]

Some of these are actually hilarious. Sorry all, but what the hell were we all thinking!

Can you imagine if someone showed any of those behaviours now?

Wow, what a lesson we all got, same lesson, just cost some of us more than others!

I'm not judging, my ex told me out and out who she was, it was so bad I tried to comfort her with 'I'm sure you're not like that' or similar.

When people tell you who they are; believe them!

[Infared]

Some of these are actually hilarious. Sorry all, but what the hell were we all thinking!

Can you imagine if someone showed any of those behaviours now?

Wow, what a lesson we all got, same lesson, just cost some of us more than others!

I'm not judging, my ex told me out and out who she was, it was so bad I tried to comfort her with 'I'm sure you're not like that' or similar.

When people tell you who they are; believe them!

Amen to that. my ex actually said... "I am not the classiest broad on the planet". Why did I comfort her?   

[rotiroti]

I think it was our third date or something like that. We had been fooling around in bed and afterwards she couldn't find her glasses. She lost her temper and got in a rage. When she eventually found her glasses she was in such a bad mood that she didn't talk to me for the whole evening afterwards. And this was the third time we met. It was also obvious that she was very eager to continue our relationship and move it forward very fast.

I told mine that we would have to drive to work separately because I needed to stay for an evening meeting.  Apparently, she had planned on me driving so she could put her makeup on in the car, though she never told me this.  The original plan was that she was going to stay over at my place on Tuesday and Wednesday and go home on Thursday--at least, that was what I had thought.  She immediately got quiet and gave me that look that says, "You messed up, and I am not happy about it."  At work, she barely talked to me that day, but she got all pouty when I was annoyed and stressed after work and didn't want to talk to her.  I tried to apologize for being short with her, and she completely ignored me and then later told me that I was being annoying and clingy.  When I mentioned this the next day, she acted like she had no idea what I was talking about. 

Two months after we became friends, she asked me to get an apartment with her.  I said no.  She also asked her boyfriend, whom she'd been dating for a month.  He also said no.  Then, she asked me again, and I said no.  When her boyfriend finally caved, she ended up having sex with me the night before she moved in with him.  That was also the first time that we had even kissed.  I had strong feelings for her and was very attracted to her, and she had already told me that she had considered leaving him for me several times.  Of course, she had also told me that she was trying to practice restraint.  When I mentioned that to her that night, she just laughed.  Later, after one of the many times that she chose him over me, she told me that, had I agreed to move in with her when she first asked, it would have changed everything.  And really, it probably would have.  It would have been me in a terrible relationship, and it would have been me trying to wrestle a pill bottle from her and having to call an ambulance.  Man, am I glad that I said no and dodged that bullet. 

The thing is... .they show us right up front what kind of people they are... .but because we are sexually attracted to them we overlook EVERYTHING bad about them. Right.  Long before I dated mine... .and I was just lightly friendly to her in a seasonal work situation... .she was living with someone and having an affair on the guy with a married man with kids. The guy looked like Ronald MacDonald.  Did that stop me... .no.  WHAT was I thinking.

A few years later I am the guy she is living with who is being cheated on.  DUH!   

If I am responsible about the whole think... .I really made bad decisions with a very selfish, mentally ill person.  Why did I think it would be different for me?  It sure wasn't and she showed you that there would be nothing but pain and heartache there for you, too.  Right?

Golden Arches 

You are spot on about the sexual attraction, I met my now ex in professional school. The fact that she had slept with everyone (including professors and married students  ) and most of my friends, it didn't stop me from jumping in bed with her when we reconnected 7 years later! I thought being a professional and 30, she would've calmed down.

I think the first conversation we had during school was her telling me about working as a prostitute to pay for her way during undergrad. She would wake up with stacks of money and piles of coke in NYC.

The second conversation was about how she found porn on her dad's computer when she was 6 or 7 and it impacted her.

Here's another one that comes in mind, she told me when she was 16, she skipped school to have sex with her bf only to be caught by her mom. She ran away from home, lied about being 18 and spent the summer working at a kid's camp as a nurse (and got her first tattoo).

And while we were in the honeymoon phase she warned me that she had cheated on all of her partners.

Like Trog said, it's hilarious to think... WHAT WERE WE THINKING?

[Turkish]

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