First sign that something as very off/wrong with your BPD-SO?

[Beware of Junk Psychology...]

What do you remember as the first sign that your SO wasn't operating in the same universe or playing by normal rules of engagement?

For me, shortly after we began dating, after one of the weekends I had my parenting time scheduled with my kids (which she knew about), we spoke on the phone Sun night and she told me that she was "mad at me" for not being with her.

What?  I would have understood and appreciated something like "I miss you"... .definitely rattled me a bit.

[search4peace]

What do you remember as the first sign that your SO wasn't operating in the same universe or playing by normal rules of engagement?

For me, shortly after we began dating, after one of the weekends I had my parenting time scheduled with my kids (which she knew about), we spoke on the phone Sun night and she told me that she was "mad at me" for not being with her.

What?  I would have understood and appreciated something like "I miss you"... .definitely rattled me a bit.

[LonelyChild]

When, after a few weeks of dating, I had 79 missed calls one night and she had attempted suicide (by strangling herself) with the ribbon she got from a boquet of flowers I gave her.

[search4peace]

Whoa!  that's 10x more than I ever encountered. I can't even begin to process how you dealt with that

[Tay25]

When I started seeing how fake she was, she would say she didn't like something to me then go and do it with her friends, she would also criticize people to me then go and hang out with them.

[Sunfl0wer]

When he asked my opinion: "Should I start sleeping with my D9? My ex does, I'm afraid if I don't, D will think I don't love her!" (They were recently divorced... .BM def emotionally incestuous... .possibly sexually as well... .dad/ex... .was in constant competition)

[Lilute]

When I was waiting for him to come to my place after his work... .he was being little late... .at 2.00 he told me he was having a beer, than he came and I told him "why didn't you call me before, I wanted to have a beer with you too" I was no angry, just little bit sad. Than the only thing I can remember is just him furious yelling at me... .for 2 hours. I'm not joking, 2 hours saying that I make him feel wrong. Than he slam the door and he went away, than he text me he was sorry and was crying, than he came back (yes at 6.00 in the morning!) but was still trigged.

Now that I'm writing it down... .I wonder why I didn' start to run away!

[Thread]

When he dumped water on his own head during one of our first arguments and said to me, "I knew you wanted to do it, so I did it for you!" 

He was standing in a doorway and I was sitting reading a book in the bed.

The worst part is it was a story I had told him a while before about my mom having poured coke on my dad's head for calling my sister stupid for flunking math.

The other signs were the inability to show empathy to my own disappointments or hurts.  Always defensive. Always critical. Driving badly when in an episode. Dysregulations, manipulative suicidal threats from insignificant things. Making stuff up in his head, that I said or did an action first. Blaming. Idolizing me, then devaluing me. Not being able to handle conflict or disagreements in a normal stable manner. His families lack of social ability... .I was always like I can't put my finger on it there's just "something... ."

Looking back now when we first started dating a mutual coworker warning me of his sensitivities... .I brushed it off as I am sensitive too, but his sensitivity is a whole different level! Wish I knew what BPD was back then

[LonelyChild]

When he dumped water on his own head during one of our first arguments and said to me, "I knew you wanted to do it, so I did it for you!" 

This is a very interesting example of how they cannot distinguish their own feelings from others. They feel something, but they think someone else is the root of the feeling. This is probably why they project so much. They honestly believe that what they're going through is because of someone else.

[Infared]

 I was at the beach with her... .a spot we went to all the time. It accidentally turned out that someone I had dated years back (who I had never seen at this particular spot on the beach), was sitting up behind us. I had left her (I believe now that she was histrionic), and I knew that it had hurt her and I was respectful of that... .

I told my ex that this person was back there on the beach for awareness purposes only and she elected to jump in my lap (I was siting in a beach chair), and to start squirming around I guess to childishly "Mark her turf"? What the heck?  I was embarrassed and appalled that she could be so mean and immature. I put an end to it immediately.

I had no idea what I was in for later when she ran off with new supply. Ugh!

[UserName69]

Her mood swings. One time she misses me a lot and tells me she wants me, the other time she's very distant. Items she kept of her previous relationships, the lies she told me (I knew she was lying a lot), she still had contact with her ex, self harming (cutting herself, saying that she will commit suicide).

I noticed all of these things in the first month. I never knew anything about BPD but all these things are red flags. I'm glad the relationship is over, at this moment I really can't believe I used to love her.

[Lilute]

I totally agree Hanging and  LonelyChild!

The lack of empathy. And the fact that if they feel something they think someone else is the root of the feeling. And a very strong projection.

And... .I ask... .do you notice a sly tendency to punishment?

because I did... .some kind of "if you are not with me you are against me and I will punish you somehow".

[Thread]

Lonely child... .

And to think I stayed... .Wish BPD was more openly discussed and talked about in society! Didnt know what it was but I knew there was something not quite right

Lilute: yes punishment is big. I like to call it idolizing me one moment to devaluing another. Or if I have an opposite thought or opinion or I do something he doesn't think is appropriate I get hushed, reprimanded like he is the God of our marriage... .And how dare I know how to do something better than him... .That's the worse, it would be so nice to have my husband be honestly impressed or proud of me without feeling some form of credit is due to him.

[Infared]

Yes... .the punishment was huge for my aftermath.  Also, she could only punish me once she was safely co-dependently connected to the new supply she had run off with. He helped with the punishing... .so I could clearly see how sick the relationship is.  God what an ugly ride.

[Mutt]

I stood her up 3 weeks after I met her ( not nice ) and went to a bar with a friend. She was clingy and she kept calling my cell while I was out. I picked up and I got disproportionate anger   and she had hung up. My intuition told me there's something not right here, her reaction wasn't appropriate for the circumstances. It was a glimpse at her personality that she couldn't hide from me anymore years later; she would often have borderline rages. I had no idea at the time that I had triggered her rejection sensitivity.

[DyingLove]

The very very first thing:

She said to me: "I have a habit of pushing people away from me".

I don't remember if it was a text/pm or on the phone.

Is it fair that I say now:  Why the heck did I not see this as strange?  Most things that happened, I was like:  Okay, just getting used to someone new and how they are. I don't wanna say I was forgiving, that would be the wrong word, but I was understanding and accepting to someone elses ways.

There were a lot of other things, that I see now, that threw up the red flag. But one that comes to mind is during my first visit to Fl. to be with her for three weeks. I'm sitting in the kitchen with her and her oldest daughter. I remember we were chatting, but Lord knows what I said, I cannot remember for the life of me, but all of a sudden she started banging pans and walking around in the kitchen just like an angry lion. I said to her daughter- Is something wrong? She said, oh that's just mom.

[FannyB]

There were a few warning flags over the first 6 months but nothing bad enough to make me run for the hills. However, one time after her ex and her argued over maintenance over the phone, she cancelled our plans and wouldn't come out for 3 days!   This was all due to being triggered and shutting down. A reflexive defence mechanism of hers! 

[Arcturus81]

It was when we first started seeing each other during the idealization phase. She would look at me and say "I love you more than anything". This was a  as I had to remind her that she had two children. She would also make promises to me by saying "I swear on the lives of my children". Nobody should ever say that, EVER.

She broke those promises btw.

Its funny the things we dismiss when we are in love.

[newlifeBPDfree]

It was when we first started seeing each other during the idealization phase. She would look at me and say "I love you more than anything". This was a  as I had to remind her that she had two children. She would also make promises to me by saying "I swear on the lives of my children". Nobody should ever say that, EVER.

She broke those promises btw.

Its funny the things we dismiss when we are in love.

Same with my ex, he used to swear on our daughter's live all the time, which was strange because it would be for silly, trifle things that I just needed a yes or no answer to. Lately he has been swearing on his nephew's and neices lives and is leaving our daughter out of it.

I ignored so many red flags because I was so blindly in love. I left my family for him and moved to a different continent, so maybe part of my ignoring the red flags was because I did not have anywhere else to go and was afraid that coming back home was admitting i failed. So instead I got stuck in an abusive 10 year marriage.

[Lilute]

I totally agree!

I remember the first serious event that I posted before, but there were so many little rad flags along the way!

I remeber him saying things like... .I hate people... .I feel anger e eryday but I controll myself... .nobody can understand me... .I live a girl when I think she is not perfect for me... .and when I ear those things I was like: "auch!" but I was in love and I passed by... .and guess what: he finally told me I am no perfect for him and he left me!

[Madison66]

I probably remember a few things right off the top, but one incident a couple months in really stood out as some emotionally wacky behavior.  Early on she would repeat to me that I would probably leave her within a few months like the others had.  Her H had left her for another woman and there were other abandonment issues at play with her parents and others.  After hearing it over and over, I finally asked her to stop and suggested she talk to someone about her abandonment feelings.  One night after she called me from work and repeated the same thing, I texted her later and just asked her to not say it to me anymore.  I then went to bed.  Well, she freaked out and freaked out big time.  At about 2 in the morning, she was outside my house calling me on her cell emotionally dyregulated screaming and crying trying to wake me up.  I don't know how I slept through all the ruckus, but a neighbor actually called the police but my ex had left by the time the police arrived.  I awoke to several missed calls and crazy messages on my cell from my ex along with a note from the police saying they had responded to a call about a distraught female.  I was like "What the heck?"  When I contacted my ex gf, she stated that I had hurt her with my text but played down the cell messages and the note from the police.  Regardless, it was all my fault!  Holy crap, I can't even believe that I stuck around after that craziness!  An emotionally stable person doesn't react to a simple text in that manner.  I get it now... .

[Trog]

I have no excuse in red flag spotting. She showed me straight away how she was, promiscuous, irrational and disregulated, from day 1. Friends and family warned me. I just thought I could bypass the bits I didn't like and just enjoy the good bits. Good bits got less and less, then left with a bag of crud. Oh well!

[search4peace]

The very very first thing:

"I have a habit of pushing people away from me".

I don't remember if it was a text/pm or on the phone.

Mine told me more or less the same thing on our 2nd date: " I hope I dont push you away".

I was drowning in a love rush at that moment, so the only thing I could hear was "I hope I don't drive you away [with all this love I am feeling]".

I so wish I had heard what she was really saying to me... .

[Mutt]

The very very first thing:

"I have a habit of pushing people away from me".

I don't remember if it was a text/pm or on the phone.

Mine told me more or less the same thing on our 2nd date: " I hope I dont push you away".

I was drowning in a love rush at that moment, so the only thing I could hear was "I hope I don't drive you away [with all this love I am feeling]".

I so wish I had heard what she was really saying to me... .

I think we overlook things in the early stages of a relationship - the infatuation stage. We tend to overlook flaws and look at the good things.

[DyingLove]

The very very first thing:

"I have a habit of pushing people away from me".

I don't remember if it was a text/pm or on the phone.

Mine told me more or less the same thing on our 2nd date: " I hope I dont push you away".

I was drowning in a love rush at that moment, so the only thing I could hear was "I hope I don't drive you away [with all this love I am feeling]".

I so wish I had heard what she was really saying to me... .

I think we overlook things in the early stages of a relationship - the infatuation stage. We tend to overlook flaws and look at the good things.

Very true Mutt, but honestly, in all my days I've never seen anything like this coming at me!  I was always happy to have someone feeling good about me and if something popped up that was out of the ordinary, oh well, just a ripple.  I don't think anyone is prepared for such an ordeal as BPD.  Maybe it should be taught in school!

[Thread]

I agree with you Dying Love

people need to discuss this more often! I mean its so easy now days for people to openly talk about their anxiety, OCD, depression issues, even alcoholics openly talk about why they don't drink!  I wish BPD was more openly discussed... .would have saved me when I always wondered what the issue was with my BPD H.

The very very first thing:

"I have a habit of pushing people away from me".

Don't beat yourself up about this one though.

I know a lot of females who state things like this... .me included, maybe I don't say it verbatim, but in my earlier to mid 20s I was learning my career, traveling a lot, and keeping all my friends from all over the world was difficult, so cultivating my friendships was hard.  I can see myself saying something like that, but more based off being independent and okay doing things by myself  

[SummerStorm]

Let me begin by saying that mine was only just diagnosed a few weeks ago, after thinking that she had bipolar disorder.

At first, there were little things.  Not long after we first became friends, she immediately decided that I was her best friend, even though we hadn't actually hung out or done anything outside of work.  I went along with it because we had spent so much time talking and texting and had so much in common.  Less than two months after we became friends, she asked me to rent an apartment with her.  At that point, I really didn't know that much about her.  Later, after speaking to her boyfriend, I learned that she had also asked him to move in with her; this was after she had been dating him for a month. 

Later, after I came out to her and we established that we are both bisexual, she randomly asked me if I had ever thought about kissing her.  Eventually, this led to her flirting with me.  I expressed concern because she was in a relationship, but she didn't seem to care.  Eventually, I got so caught up in the excitement of having someone who was actually interested in me that I also stopped caring.  Then, there were major red flags that I thought about all the time, but I just couldn't walk away.  She told me she was in love with her boyfriend but then randomly decided to have sex with me five days later.  She told me I was "perfect" and that she had "waited all her life" for someone like me.  But yet, she kept choosing her boyfriend over me.  And she would always say something like, "Well, if you had agreed to live with me, we wouldn't be having this conversation right now" or "If you had come out to me before I met him, we would be together right now." 

Then, there were the times when she would make fun of me for being 7 years older than her and would make fun of my glasses.  Of course, there was also the change from spending as many as six hours texting me to getting annoyed if I texted her a few times. 

[Invictus01]

When on our 6th month anniversary she got flowers from me, then literally the next day (an overnight change) decreased our communication by about 90%, went through 2 weeks of barely talking to me and making up lies about why she was unavailable all the sudden... .then exactly 2 weeks later in a text told me that I was such a good friend... .and disappeared. Good times.

[NonBPDEx]

We had mutual FB friends, and I had sent her a Friend Request out of the blue. A month later she accepted it, and we chatted online for a couple of days and decided to meet.

The mutual friends were good people, so I assumed she would be too.

The first red flag was, an hour after I met her in person for the first time she leaned over the table and kissed me on the lips. Then she took me home... .

I thought, great. Sex and intimacy were the only things really missing in my life. But  as much as I wanted it, I still felt weird that she would take me home the first night we met.

The next day I got text messages that she was 'walking on a cloud'. It seemed a bit fast for that to say the least.

There were more than enough red flags on almost a daily basis after that. And she new her condition. She told me everything, without actually saying BPD, but I would not have know what that was at the time anyway.

I have only myself to blame for walking down the rabbit hole.

[SummerStorm]

When on our 6th month anniversary she got flowers from me, then literally the next day (an overnight change) decreased our communication by about 90%, went through 2 weeks of barely talking to me and making up lies about why she was unavailable all the sudden... .then exactly 2 weeks later in a text told me that I was such a good friend... .and disappeared. Good times.

Ah, yes... .the lies about suddenly being busy and unavailable.  Funny, since mine was apparently just going home and smoking pot all night.  She went from never having plans to suddenly saying I was "clingy" and texting her too often and berating me for not considering that she might have plans.  Hilarious, since she once sent me 18 texts while I was sleeping one night and used to text me for as many as four or five hours straight.   

[Invictus01]

When on our 6th month anniversary she got flowers from me, then literally the next day (an overnight change) decreased our communication by about 90%, went through 2 weeks of barely talking to me and making up lies about why she was unavailable all the sudden... .then exactly 2 weeks later in a text told me that I was such a good friend... .and disappeared. Good times.

Ah, yes... .the lies about suddenly being busy and unavailable.  Funny, since mine was apparently just going home and smoking pot all night.  She went from never having plans to suddenly saying I was "clingy" and texting her too often and berating me for not considering that she might have plans.  Hilarious, since she once sent me 18 texts while I was sleeping one night and used to text me for as many as four or five hours straight.   

Just for the hell of it, I went back and randomly picked a few days closer to the beginning of our interaction and counted the number of texts we sent each other. Um, not proud to say, since I was a part of it, but we'd exchange 130-150 texts over the course of a day. Over the last 2 weeks, it would maybe be 5-10 texts per day because she was busy with work, friends, the phone died, etc. Frankly, if a woman I have never went out with lies to me about being busy and all that because she isn't interested, I'm alright with it. But if it is somebody you have interacted with on the daily basis for 6 months straight... .