I feel like my brain is split in two

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

On one hand I am beating myself up wonder why I did this to myself. How could I do so many nice things for someone that wouldn't do them for me, and would tell me I was selfish and controlling for wanting my needs met. About 6 weeks ago i gave him an ultimatum to stop winding me up about his ex and to cut contact with her giving the circumstances of saying things about her that would hurt me and to stop making threats... he said if he is going to do everything to make me happy i need to do the same for him by cutting out my guy friend, not argue without a good reason and not question him. Basically meaning i cant have guy friends or stand up for myself and say im not happy about something or question him when he contradicted himself.

I have tried breaking up with him for months but he continued to contact me with cycles of love and abuse. Finally I have changed my number.

But I keep wondering why did I stay... how could I let this happen to me. The lies, the manipulation, the control, verbal abuse and blackmail. It being too much for him to travel to me because he didnt like transport, to only see me in the evenings for a few hours and never on a weekend day because he didnt want to miss a game of football. I could never win with him, only if i let him get away with things without a fight or discussion. I feel like a complete idiot. It is so obvious looking back...

I believe he is a narcissist and pwBPD

But at the same time I also often question myself... am I really horrible and selfish and controlling? Am i really crazy with issues and everyone knows it? Is he like this with his exes? If he is only like this with me then I must be the problem. Thinking he is not actually that bad and I am exaggerating his bad traits. He does really love me and he does care he cant help it that he must have some trauma that causes him to act the way he does...

Then my thoughts flick back to the paragraph before

Anyone else get like this?

[klacey3]

On one hand I am beating myself up wonder why I did this to myself. How could I do so many nice things for someone that wouldn't do them for me, and would tell me I was selfish and controlling for wanting my needs met. About 6 weeks ago i gave him an ultimatum to stop winding me up about his ex and to cut contact with her giving the circumstances of saying things about her that would hurt me and to stop making threats... he said if he is going to do everything to make me happy i need to do the same for him by cutting out my guy friend, not argue without a good reason and not question him. Basically meaning i cant have guy friends or stand up for myself and say im not happy about something or question him when he contradicted himself.

I have tried breaking up with him for months but he continued to contact me with cycles of love and abuse. Finally I have changed my number.

But I keep wondering why did I stay... how could I let this happen to me. The lies, the manipulation, the control, verbal abuse and blackmail. It being too much for him to travel to me because he didnt like transport, to only see me in the evenings for a few hours and never on a weekend day because he didnt want to miss a game of football. I could never win with him, only if i let him get away with things without a fight or discussion. I feel like a complete idiot. It is so obvious looking back...

I believe he is a narcissist and pwBPD

But at the same time I also often question myself... am I really horrible and selfish and controlling? Am i really crazy with issues and everyone knows it? Is he like this with his exes? If he is only like this with me then I must be the problem. Thinking he is not actually that bad and I am exaggerating his bad traits. He does really love me and he does care he cant help it that he must have some trauma that causes him to act the way he does...

Then my thoughts flick back to the paragraph before

Anyone else get like this?

[Mike-X]

I am sorry for all that you are struggling with. Much of what have asked here has come up on the boards in various forms by many members, so you are not alone in struggling with all of this.

Why are you feeling like you are selfish and controlling?

Why are you thinking that he wasn't this way with exes from his past?

[klacey3]

I am sorry for all that you are struggling with. Much of what have asked here has come up on the boards in various forms by many members, so you are not alone in struggling with all of this.

Why are you feeling like you are selfish and controlling?

Why are you thinking that he wasn't this way with exes from his past?

When I asked for my needs to be met eg. To spend more time with me in the day and for him to travel to see me more he said it was selfish and controlling.

I saw on social media he posted a link to an exs wall... they broke up a few years ago i cant imagine if he treated her the same as me why she wouldnt block him.

[Mutt]

Anyone else get like this?

Yeah kalcey3 I got like that.  I can understand how confusing all of this was.

I felt pretty bad around the end and I thought I was going crazy with all of the accusations and blaming. I was questioning myself and if there really was something wrong with me and if I was really as selfish, controlling and insensitive like she was often describing.

I was frustrated with whatever method I tried or if I tried to extend the olive branch, I was often met with hostility and criticism. It was such a terrible feeling. I thought I was losing my mind.

[klacey3]

Anyone else get like this?

Yeah kalcey3 I got like that.  I can understand how confusing all of this was.

I felt pretty bad around the end and I thought I was going crazy with all of the accusations and blaming. I was questioning myself and if there really was something wrong with me and if I was really as selfish, controlling and insensitive like she was often describing.

I was frustrated with whatever method I tried or if I tried to extend the olive branch, I was often met with hostility and criticism. It was such a terrible feeling. I thought I was losing my mind.

Hi Mutt. How did you cope with it?

[Mutt]

I'll give you a little back story and everyone's experience is different. I think the most difficult part that I had coping with everything was when she left and she had told me the stories of abuse from her ex partners and how all of them were terrible men.

She had someone under her wing and left with the kids and I was going through a traumatic event and I was in crisis and was suffering from PTSD. I was looking for answers and I turned to family, friends and a P. My family and friends didn't understand. The P really helped me out but my wife is not diagnosed and she wouldn't entertain the idea because my ex was not in our sessions and she couldn't diagnose. She couldn't empathize with what I had gone through and what I was experiencing.

What helped me was talking to people like you here on bpdfamily that get it, learning about the disorder, sharing my personal experiences and all of the confusion from my perspective in a relationship with a person that was mentally ill gradually made sense.