How living with a pwBPD affects your health

[maxsterling]

I went to the doctor today to have my hand pain and my ear ringing looked at. First thing I learned was that I have lost 30lbs in a year, and I know that is 100% due to stress.  As for the ear pain, the doctor had to refer me to a specialist, who will likely do an MRI.  He suspected the problem was likely neurological because he saw nothing out of the ordinary with my ears.  He didn't do a hearing test - the specialist will do that.  They x-rayed my hand.  The doctor also referred me to a specialist, and said my pain could be a number of things, but may have to get an ultrasound on my hand to identify it.

But - I know the ringing in my ears is a result of W's screaming.   And I know my hand started hurting on the night of my wife's suicide attempt when she tried to grab the phone out of my hand. 

I really have to look out for my heath.  believe it or not, I am 39, and this is the first x-ray I have ever had on anything other than my teeth. 

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Butterfly12]

Absolutely. I never had anxiety until my husband's flare ups. Now I have about one anxiety attack a week, after living for two years in our separation. He constantly makes sure I'm still waiting for him to make up his mind as to whether he would like to rejoin our family, by being very very kind for several days, and then hauling back and digging me with a fight.

The nervousness leads to the anxiety. The single parenting three children alone because he can't be bothered leads to extreme exhaustion. Which leads to immunity issues, weight loss, etc, etc, etc.

I keep being told by those that love me they can't bare to watch me live in so much pain. And it's true, I do. But I also want to wait. Want to see if this will come to the other side.

I think the position we are in is unique to those in close relations with people whom are disordered. The stress, the anxiousness, the sadness, the depression. It seems devastating to volunteer for that, but the other option is to walk away. 

I wish you the best of luck, friend. Know that you are not alone.

[Tomzxz]

Walking on eggshells always gave me a grin and bear it feeling.  I sometimes could actually catch myself grinning and bearing her behavior.  I developed anxiety and my own jealousy and fears of abandonment towards the end - something I never experienced before.  :)uring the last six months of the relationship with my ex I was loosing sleep, weight and hair.  My family said that they didn't recognize my personality.  In the final weeks when I no longer wanted to tolerate her poor behavior I was trying to figure out the best way to end it with the least damage for both of us - I went without sleep most nights and I developed a pain in my lower back.  Even during separation, each time I saw her (for therapy, or a lunch or dinner) my back would start to hurt.  After I ended the separation and the relationship my back pain vanished and my weight came back.  The hair is gone for good I'm afraid.  I understand that living long term with a narcissist or pwBPD can cause serious physical and neurological damage in the long run.  I'm not sure if coping strategies can negated this and frankly didn't care to find out as It was obvious that separations was just another tool in her arsenal to control me.

[hellosun]

I don't think it's far fetched to make those connections, Max. I read a book a few years ago about the way the body can respond to excessive self-sacrifice, abuse, and so forth, in a physical manner. You, and others here, might find it interesting: www.drgabormate.com/book/when-the-body-says-no/

[Wrongturn1]

For me, it's acid reflux and indigestion.  This only flares up when my uBPDw is causing "extra" chaos.  Yesterday, I started taking Prilosec proactively, knowing that my company just hired a young female in my department who starts next week.  These next couple of weeks are likely to be rocky over here.   

Otherwise, I'm in very good health and stay in good shape with high-intensity interval training and some running.  (Max: I'm 39 also... .we're almost over the hill!  )

[maxsterling]

Hyperacusis.  That's what the physician said I may be experiencing, so sent me to a specialist for more tests.  That means, almost all sounds feel painful, and that is what I feel like I am experiencing.  You know that feeling when you have a hangover, and almost any noise causes your head to pound?  That's what I feel like for the past few days.  Even the sound of typing this message feels painful.

I've always had a sensitivity to loud noises.  But the past few days I feel like I have a sensitivity to all noises. 

[Verbena]

Max, I'm sorry for your health issues and for the reason behind them.  I don't see you telling your wife you have lost weight from the stress of the relationship, have damaged hearing from her screaming at you, and an injured hand as a result of physical violence toward you.  You SHOULD be able to tell her that because it is the truth, but she would almost certainly rage at you if you did.  She seems unable to take any accountability for the consequences of her behavior. 

Thirty-nine is young.  How much more will your health have deteriorated in a year?  Five years?  Twenty years?  If you have a child with her, you will have the additional stress of trying to protect the child from her, pay for caregivers when she can't cope, and just raise the child in general.  I can't stress enough what a terrible TERRIBLE idea her having a baby would be.

Before the next rage that forces you to serve that Order of Protection, she could end up pregnant.  If that happens, your nightmare is just getting started.   

[Cat Familiar]

My first husband was always criticizing me for being overweight, which was ludicrous because at my heaviest, I was 140 pounds on my 5'7" frame. I went on diet after diet and fasted, only to gain back the weight I lost and more.

When I broke up with him, I lost 25 pounds in a month, just eating normally--weight I've never gained back in many years, other than a pound or two.

I like to think that when I ended the marriage, I got rid of a lot of dead weight. 

[maxsterling]

Verbena- I appreciate the comment.  I actually did tell her or at least imply that my weight loss was due to stress, the hand injury was from physical abuse, and my ears hurt from her screaming.  And yes, she did respond harshly.  Why did I mention it?  Well, I feel like I am to the point where I have nothing to lose.  I feel it better to state the truth in the nicest way possible than to keep it inside.  After all, she's noticed my weight loss and hearing difficulties.  Interestingly, she was upset, but I think she has come to some point of acceptance about it.  Same with the group therapy.  She hasn't any accountability AT ALL for her behavior.  She, of course, is wanting apologies for this or that, but I have heard no apology from her for physical violence.

And that's the way I feel.  I feel like I have been living a lie.  It's just to the point I feel the need to be blunt and just let her deal with it.  Should the resulting rage get too severe, I protect myself.  

[Verbena]

Max, I'm glad you stated the truth to her, whether she apologized or not.  At this point, what would an apology really mean anyway without a change in behavior? 

[GaGrl]

 When my DH and I married, he had several stress-related health problems that he attributed to his long-term marriage to the uNPD/BPD ex. Most severe was the high blood pressure and PTSD. All is under control now, but she really did him some damage.

[Ceruleanblue]

Yes, the anxiety, is major. I've been prone to occasional panic attacks, but being with BPDh has certainly added to them. It's started to affect my weight, and other things too. My blood pressure was dangerously high this last month, and now I'm on blood pressure meds, and I know that is due to stress. Even on the medication, I tested quite high tonight. I'll have to call my doctor tomorrow. BPDh's reaction when he saw the readout? Nada, nothing, zip. He only cares about himself. If his blood pressure was that high, he'd call an ambulance, as his favorite thing is to go to the doctor. The man has more doctors than anyone I've known.

I feel I also have way more headaches due to the stress and worry. This stress has also made me have WAY more heart palpitations. I have an extra electrical pathway in my heart, that can lead to SVT(racing heart), and BPDh knows stress is a factor. Even with avoiding caffeine, it still acts up, more so lately.

I know this is all due to his rages, dysregulations, and blame/criticism. How I still feel fear of him leaving, or fear of his moods. Or fear that what ground we've made lately, will suddenly disappear(as it's seemed to the last few days)... .

[GaGrl]

When my DH and I married, he had several stress-related health problems that he attributed to his long-term marriage to the uNPD/BPD ex. Most severe was the high blood pressure and PTSD. All is under control now, but she really did him some damage.

Oh, I forgot about the diverticulitis, which stress exacerbates and can develop into diverticulitis/infection. DD was at the point his GI specialist sent him to a surgeon with the intent to do surgery at the next attack. So... .no flares for over 6 years.  Also, the uNPD/BPD ex had given DH an STD that flares with stress, and even though we keep medication up to date to alleviate an outbreak, DH  hasn't needed it in 4-5 years.

I still resent the fact that she wore him down for 33 years.

[Daniell85]

I have had long term anxiety issues, which have flared up a bit over the years. With this relationship, the anxiety has bloomed into a severe panic disorder. So... .he pulls something, I get anxious, express the worry, he gets nasty, bam huge panic attack. He has, at times, began calling me names, bullying me, making threats about leaving forever ... during panic attack and I was silly enough to sit there with him as the panic attack turned into a massive outburst on my part. A temper tantrum he calls it. He doesn't believe in panic attacks.

As I have learned to disengage, the out of control panic attacks in front of him have pretty much stopped. Except when he pulls a sudden episode of blocking and silent treatment. That sends me into a horrible panic attack. And maybe this sounds weird, at that point I DO get very angry. I have been so hurt and scared and panicked already and then he does THAT? It's a 100% trigger.

To the point, it's really being ruining my life. It's put me down to the point of passively being willing to die. I stop eating entirely for days at a time. Lost a ton of weight. Very sad most of the time, all of my life seems grey and too much effort.

I am determined to break out of that.

[Butterfly12]

I have had long term anxiety issues, which have flared up a bit over the years. With this relationship, the anxiety has bloomed into a severe panic disorder. So... .he pulls something, I get anxious, express the worry, he gets nasty, bam huge panic attack. He has, at times, began calling me names, bullying me, making threats about leaving forever ... during panic attack and I was silly enough to sit there with him as the panic attack turned into a massive outburst on my part. A temper tantrum he calls it. He doesn't believe in panic attacks.

I can relate to this on so many levels.  :'(

[Cat Familiar]

When I was with my first husband, I often felt as though I was "waiting to die." That was a phrase I frequently repeated to myself. How sad, to be a young person and think this. But the stress of being married to him was so overwhelming that I saw no way out. Fortunately I did find a way out and even though I'm currently married to another BPDh, my life is so much easier.

I learned from my experience with the first one to not get so personally consumed by his disorder. I've certainly had my challenges with the current one, as evidenced by my participation here, but on a scale of one to ten (with one being a peaceful life and ten being chaotic hell), living with this one is about a two to a three, while the first was a nine to ten.