2 Months w/ no communication - Frustrating Update

[ABro12]

Let me start by saying that I am feeling a lot better about things. Since my exBpd and I stopped talking I moved back to the city where I went to college, got a nice apartment, and finally a decent job. My emotions are more in check and I see things a lot clearly. Unfortunately, with this clarity I have been forced to see how absolutely terrible I acted (clingy, desperate) because my emotions were getting the best of me. I feel this only made things worse. But thats neither here nor there... .

As some of you know, my relationship was pretty perfect and then he just decided he didn't think he could handle it (couldn't be intimate, could just handle being friends etc) which broke my heart. He still wanted to be friends, but I told him I couldn't RIGHT NOW because I loved him too much. He never responded, but I could see that he read the message on Facebook. After gaining some perspective six days later, I sent him a message saying I was sorry that I said that and that He had a friend in me so long as he still wanted it (because we were good friends before it got romantic).  Well, again he read it on facebook and never responded. Instead, he kept rereading it (you can tell by the time stamps). This frustrated me because I couldn't understand why he would just read my message over and over and not reply. Okay... .So flash forward two months later. During those two months I have periodically deactivated my fb account for 1-2 week stretches to try to heal. Well, I activated it back about two days ago. Checked our facebook conversation today and saw that he read it again last night. So after two months, he is still reading our stuff. This is beyond frustrating to me.

Can anyone share some opinions as to what he is doing? I can't understand why he won't just respond me to me, so we can rekindle our friendship. He wanted to remain friends afterall... .So why not accept my apology and reach out?

[scoutshonor]

Hi.

Its just a "stalk" and an ez, quick one with the added taste of showing u he did it with the timestamp.

Put up some "happy" pics with a new significant other type liking or commenting on it and see the change.

[confounded]

Two things spring to mind. Either he is too ashamed of what he did and can't just bring himself to reply - so he just keeps re-reading the message over and over again, too see if he could develop the courage to reply one of those times. Or, he's playing powergames - he knows you're anxious to receive a reply, so he just keeps checking it, knowing you can see it from the timestamps, in order to play with your mind and possibly make you beg.

[ABro12]

Hi.

Its just a "stalk" and an ez, quick one with the added taste of showing u he did it with the timestamp.

Put up some "happy" pics with a new significant other type liking or commenting on it and see the change.

What kind of change?

I have added many happy pics since reactivating it. Mostly of either myself or out with friends. I don't have a new significant other to put up there and honestly probably never will because I'm not really the dating type. So my exBpd was lucky he got me interested in the first place.

[ABro12]

Two things spring to mind. Either he is too ashamed of what he did and can't just bring himself to reply - so he just keeps re-reading the message over and over again, too see if he could develop the courage to reply one of those times. Or, he's playing powergames - he knows you're anxious to receive a reply, so he just keeps checking it, knowing you can see it from the timestamps, in order to play with your mind and possibly make you beg.

Both of those have crossed my mind as well. He never ever made me beg before for his attention (even when he was ending the romantic aspect), so I'm hoping it is the first option because this is the first time he has ever ignored me... .And it was after I pretty much told him off in the nicest way possible (I feel played and I'm hurt etc) and then told him I couldnt be his friend... .So I hope he gets his courage. I won't be responding first or begging anytime soon. I let him know I was sorry and wanted to be friends just as HE wanted as well... .So it has to be him to do it. Period.

[hibye]

Friends with exBPD? As soon as i started dating with a girl while she was with my replacement she freaked out. When they see they lose power on you they don't want you to be around. They want to feel the trophy you lost.

I personally blocked her and moved on with my life.

[Hadlee]

I'm sorry you are going through this.

With the Facebook message - it's my understanding there isn't a way to tell if someone is re-reading the message.  When you say time stamp, are you referring to the 'last active' status?  If so, that's only when a person is last active on messenger - it's not an indication of someone re-reading a message.  The last active time is also not 100% accurate either.

So he may not be reading your message over and over again

[ABro12]

I'm sorry you are going through this.

With the Facebook message - it's my understanding there isn't a way to tell if someone is re-reading the message.  When you say time stamp, are you referring to the 'last active' status?  If so, that's only when a person is last active on messenger - it's not an indication of someone re-reading a message.  The last active time is also not 100% accurate either.

So he may not be reading your message over and over again

No, you can see it. It says "seen" at blah blah and changes every time you reopen the conversation window. I've tested it as well... .Seems pretty accurate.

[ABro12]

Oh also, I actually deleted him when I told him I couldn't be his friend... .So he has no way of knowing when I'm online and when I'm not or if I'm going to deactivate my account again and so on (because I deactivate it a lot and he knows this), so I don't see him using it as a power thing because he has no guarantees that I'm gonna be there to see it.

[Hadlee]

No, you can see it. It says "seen" at blah blah and changes every time you reopen the conversation window. I've tested it as well... .Seems pretty accurate.

Wow I didn't know it did that.

[UserName69]

Friends with exBPD? As soon as i started dating with a girl while she was with my replacement she freaked out. When they see they lose power on you they don't want you to be around. They want to feel the trophy you lost.

I personally blocked her and moved on with my life.

Same story with my exBPD, she ended everything but she still wanted to be friends. We did this once in the past and three weeks later she said she missed me and wanted me back. At our last and final breakup she wanted the same, this time I decided to move on. When I told her I'm dating an another girl she freaked out and blocked me. It's true they'll keep you as a trophy want jump back to you whenever they want. I really can't see the point of being friends with an exBPD moving on means moving on.

[Mike-X]

Let me start by saying that I am feeling a lot better about things. Since my exBpd and I stopped talking I moved back to the city where I went to college, got a nice apartment, and finally a decent job. My emotions are more in check and I see things a lot clearly. Unfortunately, with this clarity I have been forced to see how absolutely terrible I acted (clingy, desperate) because my emotions were getting the best of me. I feel this only made things worse. But thats neither here nor there... .

As some of you know, my relationship was pretty perfect and then he just decided he didn't think he could handle it (couldn't be intimate, could just handle being friends etc) which broke my heart. He still wanted to be friends, but I told him I couldn't RIGHT NOW because I loved him too much. He never responded, but I could see that he read the message on Facebook. After gaining some perspective six days later, I sent him a message saying I was sorry that I said that and that He had a friend in me so long as he still wanted it (because we were good friends before it got romantic).  Well, again he read it on facebook and never responded. Instead, he kept rereading it (you can tell by the time stamps). This frustrated me because I couldn't understand why he would just read my message over and over and not reply. Okay... .So flash forward two months later. During those two months I have periodically deactivated my fb account for 1-2 week stretches to try to heal. Well, I activated it back about two days ago. Checked our facebook conversation today and saw that he read it again last night. So after two months, he is still reading our stuff. This is beyond frustrating to me.

Can anyone share some opinions as to what he is doing? I can't understand why he won't just respond me to me, so we can rekindle our friendship. He wanted to remain friends afterall... .So why not accept my apology and reach out?

Perhaps he is experiencing own internal ambivalence (or push-pull) about various aspects of the relationship, continued relationship, etc.

The following article was written by a person with BPD describing her experience of a relationship. You might find some insight in it related to this issue that you are wrestling with.

https://bpdfamily.com/content/my-definition-love-i-have-borderline-personality-disorder