Do pwBPD Have Long Term Friends?

[NonBPDEx]

I realize now that my exBPDgf did not have any old friends. She did have a few friends around her - a couple who were neighbors, and a few other people, but no one really close, or that she had known for more than a few years.

(The few friends of hers I did meet all treated me strange. I am not sure if they did so because she had been saying things to them about me, or because they new about her disorder... .)

Even though she is in her forties, she never mentioned any friends from her past; only a few past lovers.

In the course of a year, I only heard of her conversing with relatively recent acquaintances.

Is this typical of pwBPD?

[cloudten]

My BPDxbf has a lot of lifelong friends... .however he is only 26... .and many many of them are starting to distance themselves from him as they start to see the horrible things he does are no longer funny like cheating on girlfriends, drinking to severe excess, stealing, etc.

I, on the other hand (i am not BPD but i do have rOCD) do not have many long term friends. I have a few lifelong friends that are now also long distance. I cycle thru short term friends though. Some of it is because of my BPD who makes me cut people out of my life. Some of it is due to just life circumstances such as divorce, moving a lot, and my own preferences for people. I have a low tolerance for other women... .so i have a hard time wanting to be friends with their cattiness. So my friends tend to be men, but if i enter into a relationship with a guy, i usually cut out most of my friendships out of respect for my SO'S feelings. I dont know if that is right... .but that is what i do... .i think its all my rOCD.

Anyway... .thats my experience anyway.

[rotiroti]

Interesting question! My ex had a handful of close friends from HS and college. They stayed in touch regularly because they all lived in the same city. However, I think as they are getting married (late 20s) they started to fall out of touch.

Mainly new friends and lovers consisted of their social circle last time we spoke

[Hawk Ridge]

My ex spoke of having few friends.  We grew up together so i know she has friends at a distance but she is very introverted and self protected so few people know her well or know what we as significant others know... .the person who emerges behind closed doors.  We are in our early 50's.

[UserName69]

Mine had none. She told me that she doesn't have good friends. Only one guy who see considered as a younger brother. That's it. I know it's her behaviour.

[findingmyselfagain]

Everyone is different, of course, and not everything is purely caused by BPD. Now I realize my unBPDex was extremely insecure and that may be a lot of what leads to her drama. I believe she had an extreme fear of rejection or embarrassment, so much that socializing beyond her family and romantic partners is nearly out of her league.

One of the very first things I noticed was how few friends she had, especially any one from grade school or college. We were going to jump into marriage quickly and she had absolutely no one she felt like she could ask to be a bridesmaid. Her parents were missionaries so that might explain some of it. And she's a single mom with a toddler so she doesn't exactly have a single life any more. I wrote it off because she had just moved here from another state. She had a "best friend" from there, but I remember her telling me that her best friend "thinks she is my best friend." Yeah, that made me scratch my head. She ended up de-friending her because her best friend chose to circumcise her boys. She was friends with her brother's girlfriend. You'd think she was friends with her co-workers from the way she talked about them but later on they told me that they weren't really close to her. We went to church, too, but I don't think she was close to anyone there either. My feeling is that most of her friends are long distance who just go along with her or don't really interact with her. SHe seemed close to her brother, and I really can't think of anyone else but him who she was remotely close to.

[Beach_Babe]

Interesting question! My ex had a handful of close friends from HS and college. They stayed in touch regularly because they all lived in the same city. However, I think as they are getting married (late 20s) they started to fall out of touch.

Mainly new friends and lovers consisted of their social circle last time we spoke

That and lots of strangers from the Internet. Very sad

[rotiroti]

Interesting question! My ex had a handful of close friends from HS and college. They stayed in touch regularly because they all lived in the same city. However, I think as they are getting married (late 20s) they started to fall out of touch.

Mainly new friends and lovers consisted of their social circle last time we spoke

That and lots of strangers from the Internet. Very sad

That's interesting... now that you mentioned it I noticed many FB friends (800+)

[FannyB]

My ex has one special friend of 20 years standing who is painted perpetually white. She manages this relationship expertly, to seek validation for her 'victim of love' persona. Consequently, this friend only sees the good side of my ex's disorder - but even she has remarked to me that there appears to be a pattern to all her relationships. I truly believe that the termination of this friendship would emotionally destroy my ex.

[letmeout]

My ex had drinking buddies that he grew up with, but he ended up chasing them all away by acting crazy and treating them bad. Of course in his mind it was my fault that his old friends started avoiding him. Projection and not taking responsibility were his middle names.

[Tim300]

I realize now that my exBPDgf did not have any old friends. She did have a few friends around her - a couple who were neighbors, and a few other people, but no one really close, or that she had known for more than a few years.

(The few friends of hers I did meet all treated me strange. I am not sure if they did so because she had been saying things to them about me, or because they new about her disorder... .)

Even though she is in her forties, she never mentioned any friends from her past; only a few past lovers.

In the course of a year, I only heard of her conversing with relatively recent acquaintances.

Is this typical of pwBPD?

This description is textbook BPD.  Very typical.  Many, many threads on here with people making the same observation.  

A pwBPD will cut people out or act in ways that make others want to run, so this is not surprising.  Also, a pwBPD will need to keep away people who might have caught on to his/her game.  Can you imagine if there was a friend along for the ride who could point out to new targets that the pwBPD has BPD?  That wouldn't be much fun for the pwBPD, would it.  Lesson learned for Nons: when befriending a new person be vigilant of whether that person has maintained any consistent, long-term friends who actually live in the same area, especially friends of the same sex (mine had friends abroad who she might email with a couple times a year).  Also, I would watch out for an ability to very quickly become "best friends" with a completely new person (who will probably be forgotten about a week later) -- this seems typically of the immature, painting white, impulsivity of having BPD, but it's not normal for Nons.

One of the best things I've read on here is that for the most part the only people in a pwBPD's life will be family, lovers, and prospective lovers; all others won't stick around for the BS and the pwBPD won't find them useful.

Finally, I wouldn't be surprised if her friends were acting guarded around you.  They probably heard ridiculous tales of how you were abusive or they were simply aware of your pwBPD's crash-and-burn relationship tendencies.  I suppose this is another red flag to watch out for -- do your partner's friends act normal around you.

[Pretty Woman]

Yes. One very low class enabler friend (who would delete me from facebook every time my ex dumped me) and all exes. Whether they were now married or not interested, or hooked on a new partner. She only had exes as friends and FB people she hadn't seen in years.

[Tim300]

Yes. One very low class enabler friend

This is another thing I would look out for.  The closest few people you could call "friends" with my pwBPD were also "low-class enablers."  That is, people who were dysfunctional in their own ways and who for various reasons would enable my pwBPD.  Any functional friend would have stopped by pwBPD dead in her tracks and asked "What the heck are you doing?"  I remember wishing that my pwBPD had a functional friend who she could bounce ideas off of.  Ultimately my pwBPD mostly relied on going to her BPD mother for support, and her mother would just validate my pwBPD's most ridiculous unjustifiable angers.

Birds of a feather flock together.      

[Dutched]

Exw had 1 best gf, dumped when she was 18yr.

That’s all.

What are called ‘friends’ are acquaintances from a normal point of view

The real friends I had before and ‘we’ during that r/s of 30+ yrs. are all still mine.

Same story over and over again with ‘friends’ and colleagues.

Idealisation and becoming closer, then it is called a ‘friend’

Devaluation when too close, then the negative aspects are highlighted, excuses made not to meet.

When unavoidable to meet, than the contact will be ‘social correct’.

Well maybe exw has 1 friend, her sister, an enabler 1st class.

[JRT]

my ex had very little... .when I me her, she had NO friends at all save one that she ever spoke to and that was rare. In the final analysis, 3 or so were painted black and cut off. For some reason, she painted them white towards the middle of our r/s and brought them back into her life (one of which she split again). Even her family was treated in a similar way; they were in various level of contact and no contact at any given time... .she had nothing but bad things to say about most of them.

[lipstick]

My ex has one old friend from high school (we're all in our early fifties!) who I don't think he's on speaking terms with right now. And one friend who is pushing seventy and is a drug dealer.

He's got his Facebook Fan Club and that seems to be sufficient for him... .he can keep up his facade.

Also an enabling family who are mostly alcoholics... .!

[lostjak]

Mine had none.

[Invictus01]

They really can't have good long term friends. If you think about it, a real friendship has quiet a few characteristics a relationship has - trust, closeness, etc. And a personality disordered person can't have any of that. Just like in a relationship, a friend will go through a few push/pull cycles and eventually will go - this person is a whack job, I don't wanna have anything to do with him/her. I watched my ex have a pretty surreal falling out with her "best" friend after which she told me "And that is why I just can't trust anybody".

[hergestridge]

(The few friends of hers I did meet all treated me strange. I am not sure if they did so because she had been saying things to them about me, or because they new about her disorder... .)

In the last couple of years me and my wife were together I began to confront her on this. She badmouthed her friends when she was with me, but she was desperate not to have me meeting her friends. Sometimes I ran into my wife downtown with some of her friends and of course I tried to hold a conversation like a normal person. My wife's friends used to look at me, than at my wife like "Is that they guy you've been talking about?".

I later found out she had been telling all sorts of stories about me being abusive and how I had been bullying her, not letting her meet any friends, not letting her have a social life etc.

I'm sure my wife's friends couldn't decide if I was performing a weird theatre act or if my wife simply had been feeding lots of bullsh*t.

Anyway, my wife did not want me to meet her friends. I confronted her with this and she said she couldn't be herself with her friends when i was around. And that was true.

She could barely say hello when I met her with her friends. She didn't talk like she usually did and she looked at me with fear in her eyes.

This is quite easy to understand. A pwBPD takes such a strong impression from every person they meet. They are influenced and figuratively invaded by the people they meet and socialize with. Their sense of self is so week they become the people they meet to a strong degree.

The person my wife was with me was a charade to please me. The person she is with her friends is a charade to please her friends.

That is why I always had feeling I couldn't trust her all these years and that is why that feeling was correct. She could promise me anything, but as soon as she walked out the door, anyone could convince her of anything because I wasn't there anymore.

[introvert]

In the middle of our relationship my BPDexgf would say that she has no friends. Only acquaintances. Earlier on in the relationship when she was still sinking her hooks in me and after the devaluation phase had started, she would refer to these people as friends. The very short lived "best friends" were also extremely common.

[Hadlee]

Just like in a relationship, a friend will go through a few push/pull cycles and eventually will go - this person is a whack job, I don't wanna have anything to do with him/her.

I am an ex-friend of a pwBPD.  The above comment is exactly what happened with me.  I stuck it out for 4 years - the last year I faded away from her bit by bit.  We still work for the same company so NC isn't really an option.

In the beginning I had the impression that she had a lot of friends and was quite popular, especially on Facebook.  As we got closer I realised the "friends" she mentioned were people she met online and are mostly in another country.  She doesn't have any 'real' friends.

She could barely say hello when I met her with her friends. She didn't talk like she usually did and she looked at me with fear in her eyes.

NOnBPDEx - I have experienced that a few times when she started hanging out with other co-workers.  The look of fear on her face confused the hell out of me.

[Tim300]

It is simply amazing how similar all of our stories are. 

[Tay25]

My exgf had two close friends, however they are ___ friends, not good ones.

I remember she would frequently tell me that shes not good at making friends, now i know why.

Really sad how much disorders affect socializing, my grandpa is a NPD and has never had any close friends, I don't think anyone can stand him.

[UserName69]

Just like in a relationship, a friend will go through a few push/pull cycles and eventually will go - this person is a whack job, I don't wanna have anything to do with him/her.

I am an ex-friend of a pwBPD.  The above comment is exactly what happened with me.  I stuck it out for 4 years - the last year I faded away from her bit by bit.  We still work for the same company so NC isn't really an option.

In the beginning I had the impression that she had a lot of friends and was quite popular, especially on Facebook.  As we got closer I realised the "friends" she mentioned were people she met online and are mostly in another country.  She doesn't have any 'real' friends.

She could barely say hello when I met her with her friends. She didn't talk like she usually did and she looked at me with fear in her eyes.

NOnBPDEx - I have experienced that a few times when she started hanging out with other co-workers.  The look of fear on her face confused the hell out of me.

Mine had 1200+ friends on Facebook but almost 0 in real life. Whenever someone sends her a friend req she would accept it and chat with them. I noticed that a lot of these guys didn't even respect her and made a lot of perv comments when she posted a photo of herself. This was usually during a breakup. I never understood why she even accepted this from these guys? But now I'm glad it's over between me and her.

They really can't have good long term friends. If you think about it, a real friendship has quiet a few characteristics a relationship has - trust, closeness, etc. And a personality disordered person can't have any of that. Just like in a relationship, a friend will go through a few push/pull cycles and eventually will go - this person is a whack job, I don't wanna have anything to do with him/her. I watched my ex have a pretty surreal falling out with her "best" friend after which she told me "And that is why I just can't trust anybody".

That's so true! My exBPD couldn't make or even keep any friends because friendship didn't mean anything for her. Once she even told me that she only uses people and when she gets what she wants she drops them. She was surprised when I told her I'm still friends with a couple guys I met in the 90ties.

[antelope]

Yes. One very low class enabler friend

This is another thing I would look out for.  The closest few people you could call "friends" with my pwBPD were also "low-class enablers."  That is, people who were dysfunctional in their own ways and who for various reasons would enable my pwBPD.  Any functional friend would have stopped by pwBPD dead in her tracks and asked "What the heck are you doing?"  I remember wishing that my pwBPD had a functional friend who she could bounce ideas off of.  Ultimately my pwBPD mostly relied on going to her BPD mother for support, and her mother would just validate my pwBPD's most ridiculous unjustifiable angers.

Birds of a feather flock together.      

people with BPD only can maintain 2 types of people in their lives:

-enablers

-accomplices

in other words, people who tolerate their sh1t

we fit one of those roles, or more than likely, both

they CANNOT sustain a relationship, no matter what, b/c of their psychological chaos

[once removed]

the answer to the question posed in the title of this thread is "of course" as pwBPD vary as much as the next "non".

one diagnostic criteria of BPD is a history of unstable relationships. this can apply to friends or romantic partners. the closer the relationship, the more intense the intimacy, the more BPD behaviors, thoughts and feelings, are triggered. this can play out in a multitude of ways and relationships.

my ex had several long term friends. and in the time that i knew her, she had a handful of them blow up. the other handful remain, long term, close friends.

"Everyone is different, of course, and not everything is purely caused by BPD"

[hergestridge]

my ex had several long term friends. and in the time that i knew her, she had a handful of them blow up. the other handful remain, long term, close friends.

"Everyone is different, of course, and not everything is purely caused by BPD"

A "long term friendship" is by definition a friendship that lasts a long time. It says nothing about the other characteristics of the friendship. It is of course possible to have a friendship that goes on for a very long time without becoming deeper, which is precisely the problem for the pwBPD.

[michel71]

As for my BPD soon to be EX WIFE I can say that she has absolutely NO LONG TERM friendships. Every friend she ever had in her words "let her down" or was cruel to her in some way. I should have seen this as a huge red flag when I met her but I felt sorry for her as I thought that the world had been cruel to her. I see it now as the other way around.

[hergestridge]

As for my BPD soon to be EX WIFE I can say that she has absolutely NO LONG TERM friendships. Every friend she ever had in her words "let her down" or was cruel to her in some way. I should have seen this as a huge red flag when I met her but I felt sorry for her as I thought that the world had been cruel to her. I see it now as the other way around.

When I was young I tended to believe in people that said that the world had been "cruel" to them, but as I grew older I started to view statements like that as a sign of irresponsibility and weak personality traits.

When my wife noticed this (she noticed the change, we were together for 20 years) she used to react very strongly and was angry at me for "not trusting" people and for generally not teaming up with the underdogs.

In later years she started to understand my point of view, but it kind of created a wedge between us, because it was obvious that my wife was one of those people and she didn't know any other way to be.

When a relationship broke down she had no option but to blame the other person. Taking responsibility became just too depressing and too much pain.

[workinprogress]

It's funny, my wife is closest to her family of origin.  Her friends come and go.

Her family has endless drama.  They constantly put other people down.

I noticed on my last visit there that I got a very cool reception from all of them.  I have no clue what I've done.