Revisiting events

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

Hey guys,

I often feel that for myself... .I do not need to always directly revisit events that occurred in the past as typically events will repeat themselves in different forms in my present.  Working on the present often helps me to unravel the past events as well.

However, there are things that happened in MC that I do want to revisit.  I actually feel that I NEED to revisit, however, I put them aside in my mind for several months hoping I would indirectly resolve them, however, that does not seem to be happening.

I'm frustrated with how some things went down in a MC and I feel the need to revisit this to repair my understanding in my own mind.

1) My ex had a session of complete raging one visit.  MC spent the entirety of the session, talking exBF down from his escalation.  I felt that my emotional safety was neglected... .and should have been the focus on a subsequent session.

2) I felt very strongly about setting boundaries around exBF verbal abuse.  MC did not seem to recognize this throughout.  It took me many months to slightly get this point across.

I generally feel like the underlying message in MC was at times... .it is my job to soothe BF, that his behavior was NOT abusive as it was likely an over sensitivity and misplaced feelings of his from an earlier abuse.  I felt in MC I was often treated as "the strong one" or "the more capable one" and emotionally neglected as a result.

After MC was done soothing exBF during the above described rage, I feel it was then his job to tell me... .Oh by the way... .you know that listening to that rage of hatefulness directed at you is just unacceptable and abusive... right?  Even though I spent the hour calming him, don't feel that it should be your responsibility to do the same, I'm a therapist, you are not his therapist. Know that your #1 responsibility is to protect yourself and your son.  This is unacceptable rage that should be delt with during his solo sessions, not by attacking you!

Why did MC not "frame" this all for me?

It makes me feels sad that he didn't.  I feel unprotected, unworthy, etc.

I think this was over 6 months ago... .it still nags at me and I need to resolve in my head some sort of validation for my role in things... .both in a r/s and in the therapy room.  I also want validation for my definition of abuse and boundaries I want re abuse.

[Sunfl0wer]

Hey guys,

I often feel that for myself... .I do not need to always directly revisit events that occurred in the past as typically events will repeat themselves in different forms in my present.  Working on the present often helps me to unravel the past events as well.

However, there are things that happened in MC that I do want to revisit.  I actually feel that I NEED to revisit, however, I put them aside in my mind for several months hoping I would indirectly resolve them, however, that does not seem to be happening.

I'm frustrated with how some things went down in a MC and I feel the need to revisit this to repair my understanding in my own mind.

1) My ex had a session of complete raging one visit.  MC spent the entirety of the session, talking exBF down from his escalation.  I felt that my emotional safety was neglected... .and should have been the focus on a subsequent session.

2) I felt very strongly about setting boundaries around exBF verbal abuse.  MC did not seem to recognize this throughout.  It took me many months to slightly get this point across.

I generally feel like the underlying message in MC was at times... .it is my job to soothe BF, that his behavior was NOT abusive as it was likely an over sensitivity and misplaced feelings of his from an earlier abuse.  I felt in MC I was often treated as "the strong one" or "the more capable one" and emotionally neglected as a result.

After MC was done soothing exBF during the above described rage, I feel it was then his job to tell me... .Oh by the way... .you know that listening to that rage of hatefulness directed at you is just unacceptable and abusive... right?  Even though I spent the hour calming him, don't feel that it should be your responsibility to do the same, I'm a therapist, you are not his therapist. Know that your #1 responsibility is to protect yourself and your son.  This is unacceptable rage that should be delt with during his solo sessions, not by attacking you!

Why did MC not "frame" this all for me?

It makes me feels sad that he didn't.  I feel unprotected, unworthy, etc.

I think this was over 6 months ago... .it still nags at me and I need to resolve in my head some sort of validation for my role in things... .both in a r/s and in the therapy room.  I also want validation for my definition of abuse and boundaries I want re abuse.

[maxen]

hi Sunfl0wer.

Why did MC not "frame" this all for me?

It makes me feels sad that he didn't.  I feel unprotected, unworthy, etc.

i've seen a few threads lately which address how therapists act. and, i remember how my MC sessions went. in the room we would just reproduce the dynamic we had at home: she would refuse to address my issues and i would get bent out of shape. i didn't come off looking good. and our MC, like yours, never framed any issue, which i thought was the job of a professional? i needed to learn how to express confidently, not heatedly. my exw needed to learn to listen and respond. both of these topics needed deeper examination. but the MC never framed anything like this. she tried some role playing exercises, and it never went beyond that (as i remember). i even went to her alone to get some insight and came away none the wiser ("of course she thinks you're a checkbook, she's a southern princess" was as profound as it got). she just wasn't good.

this was dispiriting, and i see why you're dispirited too. i think it's good that you recognize it, that you know in your bones that he wasn't doing his job. have you met with any others since?

[Sunfl0wer]

Thanks for replying on this Maxen!  (I should have labeled it "therapy" or something)

I am with a new one now.  I understand that therapists are people, with their own set of talents, strengths, weaknesses and experiences both in life and on the job.  I do not expect them to all have the same knowledge and way of doing things.  I am starting to feel that I can get what I can get from one, then get what I can get from another, knowing that we all have something different to offer.

So the other day in T, he just told me, "I am not good at trauma." I looked at him confused a bit, explaining how I know he is good with xyz, how could that be.  (Not that I sought after him for trauma, but I just can't imagine a therapist NOT knowing trauma... .but I guess that is a bit of me projecting him to be almighty until I balance my view on that as the natural r/s process.)

she would refuse to address my issues and i would get bent out of shape. i didn't come off looking good.

I want to just scream!  Ahhh!  That is exactly how I felt a lot of the time with MC!  I wanted to address it with MC in a way that was direct but would lighten the mood and hopefully clear the air and set expectations of roles where I wanted them.

Lol!  So I entered session and said:  We need to talk about something first.  I'm having an issue of transference where all the things that annoy me about BF I am now mad at you for.  I realize this, want to address it, so we can work well together.  His eyes light up amazed and says: Well! If only every patient walked in and could say that, things are much easier.  Me: good, because  I want this to work and here are all the parallels between you and him that I keep seeing that make anything else hard to focus on... .Avoidant, not listening, etc (but I was tactful)

It sucks because it does make us feel like we are the one "not coming off good" right?  As though we have put them into this schema role of judging us.  That is how I feel too.  It is hard to feel trust when things like this are happening.

I have been in T with another gal who explained to me that it was always good when things popped up in our r/s and we should always always discuss it so as never to hinder the process... .and that this WAS the process mostly.  So now I feel really awful to sit with a T who only partly "gets it."

Anyway... .

I'm apparently on a ramble... .

The new T is great... .clever and a bit of a genius in many ways... .so it is really challenging to me to pin point and find opportunity some times to bring things up.  I sometimes feel a bit hypnotized into his direction of things mesmerized by his wise words and get comfy allowing him to direct.  Which is not a dynamic I want to take with me to a future r/s with a partner.

I hope this makes sense.

Thx for listening!