I believe my boyfriend has BPD

[Mary Jane]

Hello,

I've been with my boyfriend for almost 8 months now and after a while I realized he had some repetitive behavior which started to make me wonder whether he had a personality disorder.

I started to pay attention to these events and finally, with the help of the internet, I found a BPD description which matched precisely his behavior. I am no professional in this area. However, the "coincidences" were too explicit. As I read the article "How a Borderline Personality Disorder Love Relationship Evolves", I could see myself perfectly.

I have told him about this suspicion I have he might have BPD. At first, he said he felt insulted and hurt for me calling him a lunatic. This happened a little over a month ago approx. But now he has begun to understand that he might actually have BPD. He had a "rage episode" this week. This uncontrollable, paranoid, fearful feeling took him once again because of a picture of my ex on Facebook. This is something I do not accept nor understand. There is always a reason for him to get angry and upset. No matter the gravity of the situation, it always evolves to a atom bomb. Always blaming me for not giving him the attention he deserves and so on. I'd like to help him but I don't know how. He is a very nice guy who recognizes he needs help. He is not happy with himself or his own behavior. But honestly, I have realized I can't help him myself. What can I do to help him? Thanks a lot for "listening" and for any help or advice.

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[EaglesJuju]

Hi Mary Jane, 



I am glad that you found us. You have come to the right place for help, support, and the tools to learn how to improve your relationship. 

I understand how erratic and dramatic behavior is confusing and frustrating. Before I learned about BPD, I was completely baffled by my bf's behaviors. Learning about BPD behaviors and characteristics helped me understand my bf's paranoid feelings, fear, and rages.

People with BPD (pwBPD) tend to have a poor self-image/self-esteem, low self-worth, self-loathing, and inherent feelings of shame. The combination of all these factors can lead to insecurity, jealousy, and fear of rejection.  PwBPD have a very hard time controlling and regulating their emotions (dysegulation). PwBPD are hypersensitive to their emotions and can quickly vacillate emotions. In addition, pwBPD tend to have a high negative affect (negative emotions/feelings such as anger and sadness). A pwBPD's life is completely based on their emotions. When a pwBPD is feeling a certain way, they tend to perceive these feelings/emotions as lasting forever and believe that feelings are facts.

My bf's extreme self-loathing and poor self-image/self-esteem makes him prone to be jealous and thinking that he is unworthy of me.  Many times he self-protects through avoidance and emotional distancing, because he thinks I will eventually reject him or leave him because he is not good enough. Also when he thinks I am not there for him enough or don't love him enough, he perceives it as a form of rejection/abandonment. When that happens, he reacts in anger, bitterness, or with sarcasm. He will project his angry feelings on to me, which ultimately causes him to feel shame/guilt later and his belief that he is a "bad" person. It is cycle of self-destructive behavior. 

I learned before I can help my bf, I need to learn to help myself first. It is easy to forget about ourselves and our needs while in a relationship that can be emotionally taxing.  I found having a support group of my friends, family, and psychologist really helps. Do you have a support system?