One thing about BPD i could never understand...

[Kelli Cornett]

Why they seem to hide and down play their ( rational, sensitive, kind, compassionate, empathic, regulated, good person side) TO EVERYONE ELSE BUT THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHER?


This bothered me so much! It's like they took pride in "being bad". And would hide their good, and expose their worst! While normally people do the opposite!


Friends, Family, And Co-wrokers got the good. I NEVER did. Why can't they carry that over to the relationship? What is stopping them?


This is the hardest part for me to get over! Knowing that deep deep down. It exists but it's so blocked my fear and hate.


It's just so messed up! Can anyone relate?

[Invictus01]

Everybody else isn't as close to them as the SO. They fear that the SO will abandon them (whether there is a reason for it or not), so rules of the game with the SO are a bit different.

[rotiroti]

With co-workers and casual friends, there's no risk of getting emotionally close and thus no risk of being abandoned.


Also trust me, family have it bad too. There's a reason why BPD/NPD material are geared towards family, close friends, and partners

[apollotech]

Because of the emotional intimacy/closeness, you experienced the fear of engulfment triggered from your BPD SO. To abate that fear, distance was generated via maladapted coping mechanisms (the behaviors/actions that were destructive to you and the relationship) Engulfment generates the push behaviors.

Others, people not emotionally intimate with them, don't see that side of them because the engulfment cannot be triggered. My BPDexgf is a very lovely person to be around... .until an emotional attachment is established. All bets are off after that.

[valet]

I'd say that the emotional intimacy is a trigger for a pwBPD.

Engulfment vs. Abandonment

A simple contradiction on paper, but less so after years of emotional investment and larger than average codependency.

[enlighten me]

Its impossible to keep the mask on 24/7. At some point it has to come off. As the SO is the one with them the most then they are the ones who get the pleasure of seeing behind it.

[SummerStorm]

Mine was great when we were just friends who hung out once a week and talked at work.  Then, she started to idealize me, while devaluing her boyfriend at the same time.  Once she realized that I was attracted to her, she started love-bombing me and telling me that I'm the only person who doesn't annoy her, that I'm perfect.

Her first attempt at going NC and disappearing from my life came when she was on vacation, told me something about her past,  and I expressed disapproval.  I talked her down,  and she became even more attached to me.  As soon as we had sex the first time, her push-pull behavior started.  Then, she told me she wanted to live with me.   We looked at a house.   She decided that wasn't what she wanted.  A few days later,  she missed me and wanted me again. 

Her relationship with her biological dad has always been rocky,  but she went NC with him after living with him for a few months and having a major falling out with him.

Her mom lives in a different state and is soon moving even farther away, so my exBPD rarely sees her.  But when she visited in April,  even her mom said that she should stop visiting because she makes everyone miserable.

And she has no close friends.   If you look at the comments on her Facebook posts,  a friend who was commenting on everything months ago is now no longer to be found.  She hung out with her "best friend from college" (labeling her that way was weird anyway) last November.  By March,  she was canceling dinner plans with her at the last second.  She mentioned her a few months ago,  but I think she was lying about hanging out with her that time.

[chill1986]

Because of the emotional intimacy/closeness, you experienced the fear of engulfment triggered from your BPD SO. To abate that fear, distance was generated via maladapted coping mechanisms (the behaviors/actions that were destructive to you and the relationship) Engulfment generates the push behaviors.

Others, people not emotionally intimate with them, don't see that side of them because the engulfment cannot be triggered. My BPDexgf is a very lovely person to be around... .until an emotional attachment is established. All bets are off after that.

Exactly this, my ex would be horrible to me for days even a couple of weeks, but as soon as someone else was speaking to her the mask was on and she was nice as pie. Even her sisters have no idea, I was the ONLY person that saw it. Although once when she was complaining about organising a holiday with her friends, my mum commented (to me afterwards) that she was being quite childish and selfish. This was a week before she dumped me, when she kept bringing up stuff about the future with my parents.

[apollotech]

Her first attempt at going NC and disappearing from my life came when she was on vacation, told me something about her past,  and I expressed disapproval.  I talked her down,  and she became even more attached to me.  As soon as we had sex the first time, her push-pull behavior started.  Then, she told me she wanted to live with me.   We looked at a house.   She decided that wasn't what she wanted.  A few days later,  she missed me and wanted me again.

SS,

Nice example of her, your ex, ping-ponging between engulfment and abandonment. It really is, in many ways, like going through an emotional hurricane (That is being said with the experience of having been through several hurricanes, including Katrina.) The wind and rain is from one direction for awhile; the eye passes over, and the wind and rain is now coming from the opposite direction.

[sas1729]

I think it has to do with the approach of true intimacy entering a relationship. Intimacy is built on trust, something that BPD people are intrinsically worried about. Abandonment issues and the fear of abandonment are triggered by burgeoning intimacy. So the best defense for a BPD person is to push you away when you get too close.

My BPDexgf had friends that she has known for years. I think she regulated how close they were to her, but she also used them as a fallback when she was upset at me. I remember how much she would tell me she loved me. We would be good at times when we were together, but when real life issues came up inevitably it became impossible for her to be supportive of my needs. It would be a sign of intimacy and trust. And what if I left?

At the time of her writing her thesis, she had known me for two years. She agonized about putting me in her acknowledgements. We had both accepted that the added stress to her work life bled into our relationship. She had told me at times how supportive I had been for her when she was writing her thesis and at alternate times, quite suddenly, rage at me and blame me for not being there for her. But in the end, I was there and tried my best to be supportive. Well, she never did put me in her thesis acknowledgements because "what if we broke up?"

This seems like a ridiculous story, but it got to the essence of the matter. After two years she did not want to put me in her acknowledgements. That one hurt.

So the point is that your ex did it to you because you wanted to get close, and that would trigger abandonment fears.