Please Help: I don't know what the truth is anymore, I'm so lost

[creative]

Hello all, first time poster here.

I suspect my girlfriend of 4 years is suffering from BPD and it is affecting our life to the point of extreme. She is 27, I’m just a few years older. I’ve gone through a lot with her, and suffered beatings, insults and humiliations. She has extraordinary episodes of rage at even little things. I can’t take it anymore and at the same time I can’t find strength to leave. I don’t want it to end and can't see myself without her. I know I should not put up with it but I simply cannot establish any boundary at this point anymore.

To make matters worse we work together and spend all day together. Working together has proven an arduous energy-draining frustrating process.

The sensation I have is that she has absolutely no respect for me. Not as a boyfriend, not as a coworker, not as a man. As nothing. She sees me as a child which I very well may act as sometimes. Whenever I say something she has to put me down or tell me that I am wrong and she is right. Which means If I ever dare to point out some mistake she made or how she made me feel bad with something, she gets SERIOUSLY ENRAGED! I've observed her get a weird pleasure holding me down aggressively, while she insults me and sometimes even spits in my face.

When we were living alone for some months she used to beat me, threaten me with knives and threaten herself with knives. Now my dad lives with us and the threatening with knives has stopped, but the rest continues.

If I have a strong opinion and want to state it in a confident manner, she will accuse me of being rude and coarse.

She perceives a normal tone of voice as yelling at her, yet she is constantly yelling at me and being rude over the slightest misunderstanding or confusion.

She cannot take any criticism from me. Not even comments about her work. I have to smile and say it's great everytime to avoid hours wasted in a vicious cycle of terror that usually goes like this:

I make a comment about her work, or make some decision about something as simple as send an email to a client to set up a meeting. She gets infuriated that I didn’t talk to her about it first and starts insulting me and accusing me of various things which stem from this action. I try to defend myself and say she’s making it bigger than it is, this aggravates her even more, she escalates and starts screaming her insults at me. I try to leave the room because I know she may get physically violent as she has in the past. This aggravates her even more, she orders me to stay, then forces me physically. I get out of her grip and leave the room. She packs her stuff and leaves the house saying she is leaving for good. I get out of the house and chase after her and beg her to come back. She says she is very hurt, and can’t stand me anymore. I apologize and take responsibility for every fault. She refuses to come back until I’ve begged and begged and hours have passed. She comes back to the house, still saying she is undecided about staying. A few days or weeks pass and things seem normal, but every day she remembers to treat me with disrespect and impatience. Until one day she brings back the previous fight, saying she is not over and is thinking of leaving. Or something I do sparks the whole thing all over again.


Is this BPD? Or am I the crazy one? Because she is certain that I am completely crazy and I am the problem of everything.

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[JQ]

Hello all, first time poster here.

I suspect my girlfriend of 4 years is suffering from BPD and it is affecting our life to the point of extreme. She is 27, I’m just a few years older. I’ve gone through a lot with her, and suffered beatings, insults and humiliations. She has extraordinary episodes of rage at even little things. I can’t take it anymore and at the same time I can’t find strength to leave. I don’t want it to end and can't see myself without her. I know I should not put up with it but I simply cannot establish any boundary at this point anymore.

To make matters worse we work together and spend all day together. Working together has proven an arduous energy-draining frustrating process.

The sensation I have is that she has absolutely no respect for me. Not as a boyfriend, not as a coworker, not as a man. As nothing. She sees me as a child which I very well may act as sometimes. Whenever I say something she has to put me down or tell me that I am wrong and she is right. Which means If I ever dare to point out some mistake she made or how she made me feel bad with something, she gets SERIOUSLY ENRAGED! I've observed her get a weird pleasure holding me down aggressively, while she insults me and sometimes even spits in my face.

When we were living alone for some months she used to beat me, threaten me with knives and threaten herself with knives. Now my dad lives with us and the threatening with knives has stopped, but the rest continues.

If I have a strong opinion and want to state it in a confident manner, she will accuse me of being rude and coarse.

She perceives a normal tone of voice as yelling at her, yet she is constantly yelling at me and being rude over the slightest misunderstanding or confusion.

She cannot take any criticism from me. Not even comments about her work. I have to smile and say it's great everytime to avoid hours wasted in a vicious cycle of terror that usually goes like this:

I make a comment about her work, or make some decision about something as simple as send an email to a client to set up a meeting. She gets infuriated that I didn’t talk to her about it first and starts insulting me and accusing me of various things which stem from this action. I try to defend myself and say she’s making it bigger than it is, this aggravates her even more, she escalates and starts screaming her insults at me. I try to leave the room because I know she may get physically violent as she has in the past. This aggravates her even more, she orders me to stay, then forces me physically. I get out of her grip and leave the room. She packs her stuff and leaves the house saying she is leaving for good. I get out of the house and chase after her and beg her to come back. She says she is very hurt, and can’t stand me anymore. I apologize and take responsibility for every fault. She refuses to come back until I’ve begged and begged and hours have passed. She comes back to the house, still saying she is undecided about staying. A few days or weeks pass and things seem normal, but every day she remembers to treat me with disrespect and impatience. Until one day she brings back the previous fight, saying she is not over and is thinking of leaving. Or something I do sparks the whole thing all over again.


Is this BPD? Or am I the crazy one? Because she is certain that I am completely crazy and I am the problem of everything.

Welcome Creative to the group ... .here are 9 symptoms that someone with BPD might exhibit ... .if they have 5 of the 9 it is generally thought that they have BPD however, they or she in this case will have to actually go see a therapist or mental health counselor to actually get a correct diagnosis.  I encourage you to watch, read, learn all things that are BPD, books include "I love you I hate you, don't leave me" and "Stop walking on Egg Shells" ... .then seek out a counselor for yourself ... .either you stay or go but you'll need to get some therapy yourself ... .you're about to embark a crazy train aka daily roller coaster.


People with borderline personality disorder have incredible challenges when dealing with others and themselves because they have inflexible negative behavior patterns, an unstable self-image, uncontrollable emotions, and impulsivity. Their condition is due to a combination of genes, a childhood environment of abuse, turbulence and/or neglect, and erratic biochemistry.

You may be encountering a person with borderline personality disorder if you confront this type of behavior:

1) You are idealized sometimes as the greatest person alive, while at other times you are seen as the worst person. People with BPD often have skewed views of people, whether they be acquaintances or people that are an everyday part of their lives.

2) The person's sense of self is distorted. The person doesn't truly understand who he or she really is, so he or she tries on different behaviors. It is not uncommon for them to be distant, authoritative, friendly or hostile with the same person in the same day.

3) The person frantically tries to avoid what she considers abandonment. The person may act overly needy when their support system is removed, even temporarily, such as when a close friend goes on vacation.

4) The person tries to kill him -- or herself or engages in self-mutilation. If you witness this behavior in anyone, immediately call 911.

5) The person is intensely reactive to situations or events that most people would just ignore or brush off. My patient's reaction to the positive news about her cancer is a good example. Another example is the way a person with BPD might obsess about a situation or statement. If someone tells this individual something in an angry way, then he or she might keep thinking about the statement obsessively and cannot "let it go."

6) He or she constantly feels empty or not really there. My patient reported these feelings of emptiness many times and often thought she wasn't really in this world.

7) Anger is their most common emotion even when other feelings might be more appropriate. For example, when a person with BPD learns he/she has won a game in tennis, he or she might rant about the opponent instead of just enjoying the victory.

8) Paranoid thoughts are common. People with this disorder often become paranoid and imagine that people are "colluding" against them.]

9) These people act impulsively and in self-damaging ways, for example, engaging in compulsive sex, binge-eating or gambling. Because of this, BPD can often be confused with other personality disorders, such as histrionic personality disorder.

If you think a friend, co-worker or family member might be suffering from borderline personality disorder, encourage him or her to seek treatment. Sometimes, it's best to avoid personal contact or deal with the person only in a group setting, such as the workplace or group outings. The most important tool is not to internalize the person's behavior, or take it too personally. Remember it's not about you. People with borderline personality disorder aren't fully aware of their behavior and the effect on other people. Try to be as sympathetic as you can, but maintain appropriate boundaries to protect yourself.

I wish you luck on this new journey of yours

JQ

[formflier]

Welcome to the forum!   

I am glad you are here.  Like many of us... .you have a troubling story that has brought you to this site looking for help.

We can help.

I'm looking forward to you next posts... .

Couple of questions.

Are you living together now?  Are you physically safe with her... .?  You had mentioned threats and beatings... .is that in the past... .or still a current concern?

  I know I should not put up with it but I simply cannot establish any boundary at this point anymore.

I'm glad you have an idea about boundaries... .the key to being in a relationship with someone with BPD is to have strong boundaries.  We can help you understand and establish those.

Can you tell us some about boundaries you have tried to establish in the past... .or that you want to establish.

FF

[creative]

Thank you! Honestly, I feel like there's nothing else I can do for our relationship.

She's been running away from me, ending our relationship or threatening to leave since we first met 4 years ago.



I identified at least 5 of 9 traits from the list, but the whole abandonment thing I don't get because she is always ready to throw everything away and walk out of the relationship. Can she still have BPD and no fear of abandonment? At least it's not directly pronounced.

We go through this on a daily basis where she says she can't stand me anymore and talks enraged about all the flaws she sees in me. I'm broken. I used to react and try to defend myself and that's when things would escalate and she would hit me, punch me and spit in my face. We have been living together for a 1 year in Canada. I brought her here from our home country. Now my father is living with us for sometime and the beatings have subsided but the insults and verbal attacks continue. She is constantly depressed and feeling empty, but to her it's all because of me. She says it's my fault that she has lost the sparkle in her eye and the will to live. She looks at me with such disdain.

Nowadays I just try to do everything she wants and stay quiet no matter how unreasonable or unfounded her accusations or tantrums are. I just take all the blame for everything. I am nice to her and treat her lovingly, give her kisses and massages when she is stressed, and that barely improves anything anymore. I used to think it was a bad case of PMS, but now it is constant, literally every day. We might have a day here and there were it's good, usually when we are around other people or family. But most of the time when it is just me and her she treats me like a dog. How do I establish boundaries if anything I say she sees as a sign of me being oppressive, mysoginist or trying to overpower her.

[JQ]

Thank you! Honestly, I feel like there's nothing else I can do for our relationship.

She's been running away from me, ending our relationship or threatening to leave since we first met 4 years ago.

I identified at least 5 of 9 traits from the list, but the whole abandonment thing I don't get because she is always ready to throw everything away and walk out of the relationship. Can she still have BPD and no fear of abandonment? At least it's not directly pronounced.

We go through this on a daily basis where she says she can't stand me anymore and talks enraged about all the flaws she sees in me. I'm broken. I used to react and try to defend myself and that's when things would escalate and she would hit me, punch me and spit in my face. We have been living together for a 1 year in Canada. I brought her here from our home country. Now my father is living with us for sometime and the beatings have subsided but the insults and verbal attacks continue. She is constantly depressed and feeling empty, but to her it's all because of me. She says it's my fault that she has lost the sparkle in her eye and the will to live. She looks at me with such disdain.

Nowadays I just try to do everything she wants and stay quiet no matter how unreasonable or unfounded her accusations or tantrums are. I just take all the blame for everything. I am nice to her and treat her lovingly, give her kisses and massages when she is stressed, and that barely improves anything anymore. I used to think it was a bad case of PMS, but now it is constant, literally every day. We might have a day here and there were it's good, usually when we are around other people or family. But most of the time when it is just me and her she treats me like a dog. How do I establish boundaries if anything I say she sees as a sign of me being oppressive, mysoginist or trying to overpower her.

Creative,

First and foremost if you believe you're not safe in the house ... .then you need to remove yourself to a safe place ... .

The fear of abandonment is there ... .she rages against you, a BPD will believe what they want to believe and fear abandonment so much, they will leave you before you leave them ... .I know it doesn't make since but it's the way it works.  You're dealing with a 3 year old behavior in an adult body ... .trying to please her, stay quite, to her unreasonable and unfounded accusations is no way to live your life and doesn't appear to be working anyway.  There is evidence to suggest that they need and want boundaries, they need structor in their life, they need someone in their life to tell them their behavior is unacceptable ... .there are plenty of resources to read, watch on how to set boundaries. If you go this route, it will be a very long, winding, roller coaster ride the rest of your life.

You have to ask yourself, are you currently happy in your situation that you're living in? Chances are like the rest of us you're not ... .especially with the continued physical and mental abuse that you are currently suffering from. Remember the 3 C's in a relationship with a BPD ... .YOU didn't Cause it ... .YOU can't Control it ... .YOU can't Cure it !   It's a mantra you need to repeat as much as needed ... .

She needs help ... .a therapist ... .a mental health counselor ... .the sooner the better ... .and you'll need one too ... .don't kid yourself. But it's like be an alcoholic ... .if she's not willing to go on  her own, there is nothing you can say or do that will change her mind ... .she needs to accept it and go ... .and you need to accept that you need one and go ... .if not to save the relationship ... .to help with the aftermath ... .and there will be aftermath if you decide to break things off and live your life ... .no one will judge you. We are giving this one life ... .and living in fear, living with daily physical, mental abuse is no way to live.

A counselor will help you establish those boundaries ... .but I encourage you to read "Stop walking on egg shells" ... .it's a start to what you'll need to do.  The list that was giving to you is a established list ... .if they have 5 out of the 9 ... .chances are they are BPD ... .sounds like she has at least six. But only a professional counselor, therapist can determine that.

This is going to take a lot of strength and patience on your part ... .more than you ever thought. Most men or women walk away ... .Remember ... .They didn't Cause it ... .They Cant' Control it ... .They Can't Cure it !   You deserve to be happy ... .live a rewarding life ... .but if you decide to stay ... .it's going to be tough, rough, and will be for the rest of your life ... .

Stay safe ... .I wish you well ... .

JQ

[creative]

Thank you, thank you for all your feedback!

Yesterday I sent her a personality disorder questionnaire online that assessed across various disorders. Without ever mentioning BPD to her, she scored VERY HIGH on Borderline. A bit later I sent her a Borderline test, in which she scored 42/48.

The discovery left her very upset and enraged, and of course she doesn't want to talk about it.

I don't know where to go from here, what reading I should give her? What's the next step?

Traditional therapy at this moment would be financially crippling for us at this moment, and anyway I think she would refuse to go. I've looked into support groups in our region but none of them are free for adults. Would an online therapy type of assistance like 'talkspace' help?

I'm gonna look into this book you recommended, although I've read that it's a recipe for divorce because BPDs although they need boundaries, they can't stand the change coming from the person they are with. Is that true? I know for sure my GF has no regard for me and no respect for anything I might say, and it's hard to tell where exactly it's the borderline talking and where it's the way she actually sees me.

For example, this morning she came down in her usual bad mood and the first thing she tells me is she had a dream where she is running away from me, and then she gets in a car with all her friends and she is finally freed, feeling happy and liberated. Then later she tells me again she can't stand me anymore, and tells me to get away from her and go to another room. She says she wants to stay in the country but doesn't want to be with me anymore. Then I go outside into the backyard and 5 minutes later she comes after me enraged because she is calling me and I wouldn't answer (I couldn't hear her outside). Then once she gets my attention she goes back into her hole. She constantly does this type of attention-seeking behaviour, especially when we are busy and have something due, or have an important commitment coming up.

[formflier]

Creative,

Wow... .you have had some big things going on!   

The discovery left her very upset and enraged, and of course she doesn't want to talk about it.

I don't know where to go from here, what reading I should give her? What's the next step?

I think the next step is for you to spend some time here at bpdfamily... .and learn more about the behaviors and traits that you are dealing with.  Those tests were a bold move... .and her reaction (rage and non-talking)... .is typical. 

Please learn some more before pushing for her to take a next step.

Traditional therapy at this moment would be financially crippling for us at this moment, and anyway I think she would refuse to go. I've looked into support groups in our region but none of them are free for adults. Would an online therapy type of assistance like 'talkspace' help?

OK... .big issues to think about.  If given the choice of being financially crippled and have BPD traits get better or be financially secure... and have the traits remain... .or get worse.   Which would you pick? 

Time to think about values... .but... .also time to think about reality and what is possible.

2nd thought:  Please look into lessons about getting people we care about into therapy.  Also read the lessons in general.  Pushing rarely works... .people getting treatment after they decide to work on things has a much better record of success.

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=76633.0

  they can't stand the change coming from the person they are with. Is that true? 

They may claim this... .and most don't like it. 

I don't believe what you asked is true.

Make changes based on what you have learned and is emotionally healthy for you.

For example, this morning she came down in her usual bad mood and the first thing she tells me is she had a dream where she is running away from me,

So... .that is quite a morning.  I ended the quote above at where I thought the first place was you should have disengaged.

Most of us don't like listening to these stories and accusations... .they tend to drag us down.  So... .don't listen.

Later... .as you get more tools and can learn to validate... .maybe staying engaged to validate is worth it.  But... for now... .leave the conversation.

Make it about you... .no the other party.   This means... .that your reasons for leaving are not about the story... .they are about your unreadiness to listen.  Less chance of them taking it as being  "at fault".

FF

[JQ]

Thank you, thank you for all your feedback!

Yesterday I sent her a personality disorder questionnaire online that assessed across various disorders. Without ever mentioning BPD to her, she scored VERY HIGH on Borderline. A bit later I sent her a Borderline test, in which she scored 42/48.

The discovery left her very upset and enraged, and of course she doesn't want to talk about it.

I don't know where to go from here, what reading I should give her? What's the next step?

Traditional therapy at this moment would be financially crippling for us at this moment, and anyway I think she would refuse to go. I've looked into support groups in our region but none of them are free for adults. Would an online therapy type of assistance like 'talkspace' help?

I'm gonna look into this book you recommended, although I've read that it's a recipe for divorce because BPDs although they need boundaries, they can't stand the change coming from the person they are with. Is that true? I know for sure my GF has no regard for me and no respect for anything I might say, and it's hard to tell where exactly it's the borderline talking and where it's the way she actually sees me.

For example, this morning she came down in her usual bad mood and the first thing she tells me is she had a dream where she is running away from me, and then she gets in a car with all her friends and she is finally freed, feeling happy and liberated. Then later she tells me again she can't stand me anymore, and tells me to get away from her and go to another room. She says she wants to stay in the country but doesn't want to be with me anymore. Then I go outside into the backyard and 5 minutes later she comes after me enraged because she is calling me and I wouldn't answer (I couldn't hear her outside). Then once she gets my attention she goes back into her hole. She constantly does this type of attention-seeking behaviour, especially when we are busy and have something due, or have an important commitment coming up.

Creative,

You've taken a huge step for not only yourself but for your BPD gf ... .now think about things from her perspective. "The discovery left her very upset and enraged, and of course she doesn't want to talk about it."  If the roles were reversed how would you feel if our S/O had you take a test with the results telling you that you had a severe mental health behavior issue?  You certainly took the red pill Alice and you're running down that preverbal rabbit hole to see just how far it's going to go.  Of coarse she doesn't want to talk about things ... .NOT because she doesn't want to get healthy ... .NOT because she like's who she currently is ... .she does NOT want to talk about it because of some major ... .MAJOR mental wounds that exploring this path is going to be EXTREMELY painful for her to deal with.

Since you're new here and I'm not sure what you have and have not learned or read about ... .but the behavior that BPD learn is from traumatic event or numerous events that happen to them as a child. They are they way they are because it's how they learned to survive. MY exBPD gf asked me to help her to find out why she acted the way she did early in the relationship. She blew up one weekend and in my early stages of research I believed she was Bi-polar and she took that finding to her therapist. He told her that she wasn't but was in fact someone who suffered from BPD.  In the days, weeks and months ahead I learned more than I ever thought I would about her, and how it affected her childhood and the development or the LACK of development of her behavior.

As a child most BPD have had a significant event to start this roller coaster of life they're on. In my ex BPD case, she was sexually molested ... .not once ... .not over day's or weeks ... .not even months ... .she was sexually molested for years by her older brother that started when she was about 4 or 5. During these years of sexual abuse, he constantly told her how insignificant' she was, how she was never going to get anyone to love her. During these years of mental and sexual abuse, her older sister physically beat her and mentally abused her for years as well. Now imagine ... .really think about this for a moment. She was repeatedly told by her father or mother to trust her older brother and sister ... .to look to them to protect them from others who would do her harm ... .to guide her throughout her life and in return she was sexually abused, physically abused and mentally tortured for years ... .about 7 years until at the age of about 12 or 13 she had enough of her older brother sexual assaults and the one night he was trying to rape her she fought back and won and he never touched her again. BUT ... .it was to late ... .the previous 7 years of damaged had been done. Her parents never knew ... .she was afraid to go to them to let them know what was going on because she felt that they wouldn't believe her or at times she thought she deserved it ... .or it was a way of her brother showing her that she cared for her ... .she would rather be sexually abused then be alone ... .think about that for a moment. How warped is this thinking?

It's why they go through the push pull, i hate you, I love you ... .don't leave me. They are so afraid of intimate relationship ... .but it's what they really want.  Grown adult woman & men takes years of therapy after they have been sexually assaulted and it lives forever in their mind that somehow they deserved it. Now imagine as a child suffering this for years ... .that somehow they deserved it. It's how they learned to survive ... .they become emotionally stunted and never really learn how to react in adult situations and this is with them for the rest of their life even with a lifetime of therapy.  I can NOT and i challenge anyone of us in the group to actually take the time to think about this situation that your BPD loved is going through. I can NOT imagine for one moment the daily horrors ... .the daily mental abuse she suffered for years at the hand of who was suppose to be a loved one. One to guide her through life and protect her from the world and all who would do her arm. The weekly visits to her church asking God to forgive those who trespass against her was the only thing that kept her alive. I would of put a bullet in my head years ago.  I have once wrote to her about this situation ... .I really didn't go into detail but that I was trying very hard to understand of the abuse she went through in order to help her and help us. She wrote back telling me it was a difficult situation to read ... .to read about her abuse, "even in a broad since" by anyone else and that she only address it in a safe place with her therapist. She asked me never to write of it again. I respect her wishes ... .She is  nearly 50 years old ... .and she has had more than one therapist over the years and this is a usual thing for those who suffer BPD ... .multiple therapist over the years. Yours will be no different.

So maybe that gave you an insight of her thoughts of what she might have gone through ... .or maybe her situation is completely different. My point is that the trauma she suffered is so painful that no one can rationally get through a lifetime of that kind of abuse. The one thing you can not do is push her in any direction ... .this is where you'll have to learn borders, that you are not willing to be a part of her life, the roller coaster ride if she continues to behave like she does. That although you can't force her to go to therapy, you encourage her to go and will be there to support her every step of the way. This is NOT going to be fixed in a few sessions or months ... .it's a lifetime of treatment.

What you've experienced and what you've been accused of is no different then what a lot of us have gone through. We all care for our BPD loved one, but you have to think about what you're going to commit yourself to.  A lifetime of therapy, of ups, downs, yelling, accusations, extra relationships, possible substance abuse like alcohol, meds, and in fact there is evidence to suggest that care givers suffer physically over the years of trying to take care of someone who has BPD ... .and quite possibly die earlier in life because of the daily stress that this condition will bring into their life. YOUR LIFE IS NEVER EVER GOING TO BE "NORMAL".

So, now that you've started this roller coaster down the rabbit hole "Alice" ... are you still willing to ride it or do you want it to stop? No one will judge you and their are other chat rooms that will help you end the relationship and learn to take care of yourself. You have to decide ... .no two BPD situations are exactly alike ... .we have a lot of similar situations and behaviors they exhibit ... .but each is different.

YOU didn't Cause it ... .YOU Can't Control it ... .YOU Can't Cure it ... .put that on stickies ... .put them on the bathroom mirror ... .on the kitchen fridge to remind you constantly you ... .make no mistake Creative ... .this will take a mental and physical toll on you no matter how strong you are ... .everyone here is because of similar situation ... .we understand better then most ... .we won't judge ... .we want you to take care of yourself as much if not more then you want to take care of your BPD S/O ... .you already make the statement ... ."Am I the crazy one" ... .it certainly won't be the last time you question your own sanity ... .

Remember above all else ... .take care of yourself ... .don't accept the mental or physical abuse towards yourself ... .remove yourself from the situation ... .even if you just tell her something to the affect, "I don't like the way you're treating me or yelling at me or acting towards me ... .I'm going to go outside for a walk and will be back later ... .or I'm going to pack a bag and go stay with a friend for the night ... .or until you can talk to me ... .I'll be in the back yard ... .

Stay safe,

JQ

[creative]

Thank you Formflier and JQ for your continued words of support.

Today was very, very intense, and I have been trying to learn very quickly how to act and react to her behaviour.

Basically, after numerous frustrated attempts from her to get my attention this morning, including leaving a suicide note and later walking out of the house, she came into the room and said firmly that she wanted to end our relationship. I felt sad and tried to reason with her and she proceeded to spew a list of things she says are wrong with me that she can’t stand anymore. I brought up the borderline again, and she lost it completely, fire coming out of her eyes…... she pushed me violently and then went to look for knives to try and harm herself, but stopped because I said I’d call the police… she has done this many times before, any time I push her on an issue or try to hold a mirror up to her when she starts criticizing me about something I did or didn’t do.

She came back and continued hitting me and screaming insults at me, saying I wanted to destroy her and that even If she has borderline, I make it worse for her. I kept reassuring her I wanted to do everything I could to help her, to no avail. We continued into a heavy argument for hours until exhaustion kicked in, she cooled off and then apologized for the things she said. A few hours later the complaints started again.

JQ, I really appreciate you sharing your experience. In the case of my gf, I believe there may have been one isolated episode of molestation by a cousin when she was young from what she has told me.

My gf seems to fit the borderline description, and I could argue that her fear of abandonment is expressed by the fact that she constantly puts me down, perhaps as a way to make herself feel better and make me not want to leave, but at the same time it feels like such a stretch, because she is the one constantly trying to break up with me and I am the one with a huge fear of abandonment. For her, instead of “I hate you, I love you… don’t leave me”, it’s more like “I love you, I hate you, I’m leaving you”. She is always the one breaking up and I am always the one pleading her to stay. I realize I have a huge fear of losing her and not having her in my life anymore, but I have no irritable/anger tendencies at all, quite to the contrary I am usually quite passive.

One thing is for certain: our life seems stuck on neutral with all the wasted hours that go into endless combat and damage control with her, and it’s getting harder and harder to go through these motions.

[formflier]

Tough day...    

I felt sad and tried to reason with her and she proceeded to spew a list of things she says are wrong with me that she can’t stand anymore.

I would encourage you to realize that when she is saying these things... .reasoning is not going to work.

Best to exit and let her calm down.

FF

[JQ]

Tough day...    

I felt sad and tried to reason with her and she proceeded to spew a list of things she says are wrong with me that she can’t stand anymore.

I would encourage you to realize that when she is saying these things... .reasoning is not going to work.

Best to exit and let her calm down.

FF

Creative & FF,

I agree with FF in the fact that trying to apply logic or reasoning to her outburst is NOT going to work. And as I said and FF echoed it, remove yourself, best to exit the situation and let her calm down.  As I said in one of my post, BPD has the highest attempts and completion rates of suicide of all mental health issues so ALWAYS take every threat of self harm serious and call 911.  If she goes to the hospital they are most likely required to keep her for 72 hours for observation ... .and in some cases it's the start of the long road to a better life for themselves.

Creative, if you believe there is once incident of sexual assault by a cousin, chances are there is much more to the story that she hasn't told you. Don't force the issue, let her tell you in her own time which might not be ever. I knew of another woman I dated who was repeatedly sexually assaulted by her cousin which lead to other cousins doing the same thing. She's damaged to the point where she is in her mid 40's and never married, never had kids and has told me she is pretty sure she'll never have either because of the incidents earlier in her childhood. It's a deeply personal thing, you can't force them to talk about it ... .so tread lightly. Don't  push anymore ... .it's obviously not working so try a different approach.

It sounds like she is bullying you and by you own admission you probably need to get your own counseling to see why you are the way you are. I encourage you to explore this, if you're not ready or know why you are the way you are how can you begin to have rewarding relationship with someone else. But that's only part of the situation you're in. You have a huge fear of loosing her ... .what are you afraid of? Do you like the situation you're in? Do you like the daily, if not hourly fights that turn violent? Do you like being accused of things that you're not guilty of? What is the real reason why you're with the person? She might be beautiful or you might see a glimpse or two of a decent caring person as we all have in our BPD S/O ... .but 98% of the time is the arguing, fighting, yelling, etc. etc. etc. ... .then you have to ask yourself why are you in this relationship? You need seek out counseling yourself as most of us have ... .it's rather eye opening and I've become much more self aware and it helps me not only with relationships on a romantic level, but it also help me understand my relationship with my family ... .which was VERY eye opening once I opened that door.

Think about this ... ."The world population is 7,810,423,756 ... .just in case your ex is feeling irreplaceable" ... .in other words ... .there is a lot of woman out there who would love to meet a person who respects themselves ... .who would like to be in a caring relationship without all the drama.

REMEMBER !   YOU didn't Cause this ... .YOU can't Control it ... .YOU CAN NOT FIX IT!    No matter how much reason, logic, love, patience you invest into her ... .she needs to want to help herself ... .which might not be ever ... .you have to come to terms with this.

I really suggest that you seek out counseling for yourself ... .heal yourself ... .take care of yourself ... .don't subject yourself to the physical, mental abuse you're currently going through ... .RESPECT yourself Creative ... .You deserve to be in a loving, caring, and two way respectful relationship ... .

Stay safe ... .

JQ