Why am I so traumatised?

[soar]

Hi all,

In september it will be 3 years since my ex cut me off. It was sudden and brutal.

About a month ago I learned about BPD. Before that I was just majorly confused, hurt and scared.

I'm been dreadful this week. I booked it off to work on my CV so I could apply for different weeks but I feel like it's a full time job just being atm. It's been such a long time and I loved my gf so dearly, she had no right to treat me so awfuly.

The only thing I can tell you is I spoke to a friend of hers at the weekend (someone who doesn't really speak to her anymore). Another friend whispered something in her ear and she stopped speaking to me. This brought back all the memories of my ex painting me as a villian.

I just can't see a way past this at the moment, don't see the point. It's been nearly 3 years and nothing significant has changed.

[McKenzie]

Hey soar,

I'm sorry to hear you've been so alone with your pain. Although my "sentence" was relatively short, suffering a year after a mere 6 month half-arsed relationship felt so wrong and brutal. You're not alone with that feeling, as you might have read from all the other threads.

You shouldn't blame yourself too much, no one really teaches us how to spot a toxic person or how much their company clouds our judgement. You said it yourself, you've been confused and hurt for three years because you were trying to make sense of her actions as if she was a stable, healthy and normal person. Now that you're reading about BPD you've probably figured out that she is not, your ex was so charming to get you hooked. My personal disaster revealed a lot about how I don't respect my boundaries and how my toxic childhood is echoing to my present day relationships, and maybe you will discover something about yourself too.

I hope this board will help you as much as it has helped me.

[rotiroti]

It's hard to be cut off so suddenly and without closure... .




Was she your first love/relationship?

[soar]

My ex was so charming. It breaks my heart everytime I think about it because I thought it was real.

My childhood is something I've been thinking a lot about lately but I just can't seem to figure it out. The only things I'm aware of is I was ill with broken bones when I was born so I was put in a special unit for a few weeks and then wasn't fully recovered for a few months. So maybe that has affected me, could of made me needy? Obviously babies would normally go home and bond with the mothers straight away.

The other thing is my brother can be quite abusive and I'm not sure if this has had an effect on me. Maybe I see it as normal when people treat me badly... .

Yes she was my first love. I feel like it might of been easier if I'd had a previous relationship to compare but that wasn't the case. Everything that was happening was my first experiences so I guess I was just assuming it was normal...

[rotiroti]

My ex was so charming. It breaks my heart everytime I think about it because I thought it was real.

My childhood is something I've been thinking a lot about lately but I just can't seem to figure it out. The only things I'm aware of is I was ill with broken bones when I was born so I was put in a special unit for a few weeks and then wasn't fully recovered for a few months. So maybe that has affected me, could of made me needy? Obviously babies would normally go home and bond with the mothers straight away.

The other thing is my brother can be quite abusive and I'm not sure if this has had an effect on me. Maybe I see it as normal when people treat me badly... .

Yes she was my first love. I feel like it might of been easier if I'd had a previous relationship to compare but that wasn't the case. Everything that was happening was my first experiences so I guess I was just assuming it was normal...

   

I'm so sorry to hear that, first loves always hurts the most, I still think about mine and can promise you that time does heal all wounds.

You know at the moment, the love the pwBPD shares IS very real and sincerely. It's just not a deep connection that nons yearn for. I know what I say won't make sense because like you said, you don't have a base to compare it to.

Have you read the article about love from the BPD perspective? It certainly really helped me.

https://bpdfamily.com/content/my-definition-love-i-have-borderline-personality-disorder

You shouldn't be so hard on yourself for giving your love and trusting another person.

[soar]

I'm not even sure atm that the person I was in love with was the real person because the person who broke up with me was a different person?

That article is really interesting but it's not from the POV of a pwBPD who cuts people off and vilifies someone who they love/loved.

That element I find really confusing and most painful. How could you do that to someone you love/loved? She's ruined 3 years of my life and for what? Loving her?