My BPD BF and best friend for 20 yrs, abandoned me in Italy, no contact 7 weeks

[eves]

I can't believe and sad to know so many people have experienced what I have. I've know this guy for 20+ years (I'm mid 30's) and he's extremely gorgeous, tall and super sweet. We dated for 2 years and I was shocked that a monster came out. But it was the most intense relationship filled with love, hate, mind-blowing sex, very initmate alone times. (he doesn't like to go out, prob schizo'ed). Told me I'm his soul mate and I believed that too. he was obsessed about me and was always at my home everyday. I live in a small apt and he's got properties all over the world.

He was sexually abused and I know he has def BPD but also lots of narcissistic traits. Its sad he has the perfect features and people think he's a movie star when we are out. But he's so insecure its ridiculous till I stopped seeing my friends. We always fight because I deal with very high net worth clients and he has crazy thoughts I'd f them or leave him? Once he called while we were in a car park and he thought I screwed my client for a few mins! I told him as we are such good friends, if I were to cheat on you, I'd leave you and pls respect me and have the decency to break up with me if you do.

With his unlimited credit card, we would fly out of the country every month as he'd buy be ridiculously expensive clothes shoes jewellery, the works. It was obsessive and I honestly told him to stop, esp when he used it to twist and turn it against me called me a materialistic leech when I didn't ask for it. he got real mad when I refused any gifts and starting splitting tickets and hotels and didn't want gifts. He's ex's all did not work and he used it as a form of control.

I flew down the best therapists in the world and his family refused to pay for it saying he's not ill. What the heck? and said it was expensive. compared to the hundred of millions. I was sick and refused to step into his huge place of evil.

One rare occasion I drank with my good friends, which he claimed he was alright with. A straight and lovely politician, and I was so tired I feel zz and forgot to tell him to send me to my bf's home. I trusted him 99.9%, as my bf would follow me everywhere professional his love etc etc.

Little did I know he cheated on his ex gf. I read the messages by chance o holiday, went bloody ballistic as I told him I refuse cheats, it went physical esp when I've got martial arts and have quite a temper. and he walked out on me on the 2nd day of Italy, abandoning me for week, I ended up trying to commit sucide and contacting his partners. both said they said he does to want to talk to me again and to fly back myself. I couldn't as it was full and had to walk around the streets for a week.

I understand the BPD and I was a b___ to whack him when his user ex kept calling him. found out he isn't the sweetie pie I thought i knew all these years. he even tells me ___ about them trying to take millions or $$ from him and spew all crap and found out he actually had a good relationship with his ex, plus played with her to think she had a chance to get back. How sick! He apparently dumped his ex gf and left her for months with zero contact, no $$ either i believe and a shameful packing of his stuff and his her stuff when they found a tenant. He's a child and Im shocked he's a bloody wimp for not even telling her he has me, his bestie and gf. (his ex was begging him to say if he was in a relationship, she would leave though she didn't have a single cent). he didn't give a ___.

all he cared for was me at that time.

But the min I go for impt meetings, or we fight, he flies out to one of his homes and meets her, prob last 6 months. Strange enough, reading the messages, he's just using her a an escape from his pain bc he truly is mad and thinks I cheated on him when Im really too busy with work.  (he's too rich to work and the idle mind is the evil mind).

Its been 50 days, my therapist who I flew down 3x to see him, (he wasted time refusing treatment and blaming me when he made the decision the last time!) told me to go on lexopro. Now I'm used M to take my mind off things. My friends all are so pissed and concerned about me as I lost 6 kgs. look like a walking skeleton.

Odd enough as i said I'm not hurt he cheated coz he's nuts, understood. but to abandon you own friend... .in a foreign land, and I didn't bring much $$, i can't understand it and its killing me. how cruel is that... .i mean it was so bad i seriously wanted and still wanted to take my life. Noone knows as I conceal it, only 1 friend and my therapist, 7th day on lexopro, its alright but I went back to sparring and that dimmed got rid of my mild depression.

I miss him and I hate him but i'll NEVER go back to this loser who's not a man or neither is he my friend. friends don't do that. I dont care if they said he's got a mind of a 13 year old. and he's a liar and I dont know who he is, this guy I knew a n loved for 20 years, is a monster behind closed doors.

Im healing but its really a torture about the no contact/no closure. and I'm afraid I'm an addict now to take away these thoughts. Not much and i've got none... Only can save me. I've also been molested recently and he broke up with me bc of that, that makes it much worse as its as serious case and the images of his abusuer and mine keeps replaying the first few weeks every hour, its much better now. I can't believe he didn't care to support me. He stands to be imprisoned for 5-7years. Currently interviewing the witnesses. Beauty is a curse.

Im scared one day in years he will come looking for me... .I hope he never finds me.

[Mutt]

Hi eves,



I'm so sorry. How cruel is that he broke up with you because you were molested and and no closure / no contact

I can understand the sadness, frustration, confusion with your best friend and bf for 20+ years. It must feel like you're walking in eggshells when you're trying to work and he projects his insecurities.

You flew your T down 3x and he refused to get treatment and his family complained that it's too expensive when he's spent millions. You are a compassionate person for trying to get him help.

It's torturous that he left you with little money and went no contact and treated his ex gf the same way and could tell you his bestie and gf.

I understand he's insecure and you stopped seeing your friends? You also have a T. How is your family for emotional support? Did you make it back home or are you overseas?

I'm glad that you have found us. Many members have similar experiences and can offer guidance and support. There is hope.

Hang in there.


----Mutt

[eves]

Thanks Mutt, I am in a great deal of pain, I'm not sure what it is bc I dont miss him in the sense I want him back. And yes I do walk worse on shards of broken wine glass with him, he can be a jolly guy and we are always laughing and chatting and if I say anythig wrong, thats it ! fight for hours and he packs everything (which is quite a lot) and goes home. He's done that every 10 days on average till I got used to it.

I miss him as a friend but Im just confused was he a narcissist (no empathy? had to be for just dumping me like that!) He even did it a year ago with my kid and relative on holiday a year before that.

I keep giving excuses that he;s mentally ill and my T says he can't be saved... .just let him go. Its weird coz sometimes he cries and it seems obvious he's got so much intense love for me (almost scary as he will just want to see me everyday, living in my little home and that irritates his parents and goes nuts when I need to go to work.) as much love he has, his temper is frightening too and he's so verbally abusive, his ex, turned into a someone just going out sleeping with any guy literally everynight bc me and my T both agreed he's the cause bc his verbal abuse to her. She's become sick and twisted like him but in a diff way.

I just can't and dont' understand borderlines/narcissists (i've been obsessed you tubing it for the last 6 months, esp almost everyday the first 20 days every night trying to find answers).

The answer they have here: they dont give a ___ and they aren't even thinking of you. I just can't accept to believe that but I guess I must. Worse, i guess it replays in my mind did he even date me out of spite to his ex and ex wife? But it can't be coz when my T met us for the first time, he said it was just beautiful seeing us so in love. You can't fake it.  

I'm just so confused I've been with really bad relationships and I really thought this was the one, the man of my  dreams... .until the little monster popped out. He looks like an angel, and from what I heard, he's been talking ___ about me too. Im not sure that's true but he's real good at twisting stories around.

Yes even my gfs (I'm not sure if its his fake self but he's very charming sweet soft spoken and funny outside and thats why i fell for him)... .always ask him out but he's got a lot of excuses till they think Im so insecure that one of them commented I'm afraid they would steal him away!

The rest of my guy friends (i look feminine but boyish at heart) are smart, cool and unfortunately, which I couldn't care less - rich. which makes him so insecure. though they are my frens for usually like him more than 5-20 years! There's never one I don't invite him out and all my friends ask him too. They think he's nice but we just end up in quarrels or he will guess who i screwed before or am planning to, (which i have never!). I'm the type that has the guts to tell him, its my past and if I did Im not a fake.

My emotional support comes from my friends, the older ones and wiser ones (have given me time and space bc of my bad energy I guess, they are worried and want me to heal). Only 1 comes and forces me to come out. My childhood frens and colleagues are just sad and sick to see me look and feel this way so I just immerse myself at work and with my daughter. (who misses and loves him but says we are better off alone.)

she keeps me company by zzz with me.

My mom resents me and says I always bring losers home, she's no diff on how she shouts at me and it makes it worse. She doesn't understand she's the cause of my codependency issues but i just shut her out.

Yes I finally mad it back home using my airmiles but had to walk alone around the streets of europe for a week... .that was terrible and i drank n used other methods to numb myself.

Its been 2 weeks on lexapro and I guess its starting to work, I aint happy neither am I sad, just a robot. Im just sad for my daughter, Im like here but not here, I working so hard (like 10-14 hours a day though mostly from home unless I meet my clients) and she always walks in and asks if I'm OK> and it really breaks my heart. Im too mentally sick to bring her out, neither do I have the mental energy or the time, I just want to lay down and do nothing actually.

Thank goodness for work, but Im just like an actress that goes out but at least it just gets my mind off things.

Yes thank God I found you guys and your site! big hugs and I feel some sort more secure I just let out my inner feelings. My friends just get so pisssed if I speak his name.

[rotiroti]

he's mentally ill and my T says he can't be saved... .just let him go.

It's true, only they can help themselves. It's often that when you suggest treatment on an ultimatum, they will go to therapy 'for you' and will be able to run circles around the therapist.

As for not caring about you, he's simply not capable of doing so. They feel tremendous shame, guilt, and abandonment fears that they will latch onto anything to sooth that fear. Once they get closer the fear of engulfment will take over and they'll start to push you away.

If you try to concede to and do everything they say, they'll perceive you as weak and undesirable. If you go against them they're convinced that you hate them. It's a truly no win situation! Sad, but it is what it is.

The smear campaign -- twisting stories and telling others that you were the one at fault is a common trait as well. To admit that they are at fault would mean to admit that they really are indeed flawed and damaged. That would destroy them. To divert from this they will even twist events in their mind to fit the emotional memories. The scary thing is, they will believe that it is really how it happened as well.

[eves]

 Dear Neveragain,

You seem to know BPD very well. Thank you

Qn 1 ) BPD's:  I'm just wondering if he ever did love me. It was so intense he would follow me everywhere... .or was it just a hoax?

QN2) Since I never knew his "monster dark side" for 20yrs, that sweetie pie, soft spoken, no bad tempered friend. was that his FAKE SELF THAT NEVER EXISTED. I hate to say I don't believe that part of him existed sometimes.

Qn 3) Why do they lie all the time? Is that the nature of BPD. Like everything he told me about his past ex's, I found out were 50-70% true.

Yeah we finally spoke yesterday and I've got closure and it feels good that he said it was fight or flight and he thinks about it everyday and feels f up.

Though i said i'll always care n love you but we agreed not to see or meet each other, he completely denied cheating on me. I was like gosh ur incredible, the facts don't lie but he refused to admit and like all narcissists and BPD, turned it out to be my fault that I was the abuser.Asking me to move on (thinking I want him back). All he could say is stop always thinking about myself etc.

He got pissed when I said our relationship already ended last year and no recourse. As youtube was right, he has been stalking me on FB though I've deleted him and told me good luck with my good friend who is only checking on me bc he knows he might be on a sucide watch. (or at least a depression check up).

It ended off with him asking, define friendship. (about my friend/he's always insecure bc he heads a top ad agency here and works like a dog yet still calls and checks up on my every 2 days. I said friendship is about being non judgemental, when everyone knows its best they say away from me, (till I heal or away from negativity) and SUPPORT. so I said I guess you were never my friend either.

He asked me to leave me alone and blocked me. I'm glad we spoke, I really do deserve someone better! It was so painful but refreshing that I was so drained just texting him for an hour in total!

[rotiroti]

Qn 1 ) BPD's:  I'm just wondering if he ever did love me. It was so intense he would follow me everywhere... .or was it just a hoax?

I believe that pwBPD really do love genuinely, but it's a love that they're only capable of. Like that of a child's. And like a child when another emotion comes sweeping in, that love can be forgotten in an instant.

Here's a writeup from a pwBPD describing it: https://bpdfamily.com/content/my-definition-love-i-have-borderline-personality-disorder

it helped me tremendously

QN2) Since I never knew his "monster dark side" for 20yrs, that sweetie pie, soft spoken, no bad tempered friend. was that his FAKE SELF THAT NEVER EXISTED. I hate to say I don't believe that part of him existed sometimes.

It's hard to separate the 'bad' from the 'good' we have seen. You'll see on the board that everyone encourages to judge the action rather than the words. What he did to you in Italy is unforgivable, but when you look back, do you recognize any red flags you might have overlooked?

Qn 3) Why do they lie all the time? Is that the nature of BPD. Like everything he told me about his past ex's, I found out were 50-70% true.

I believe this problem is multi-faceted. First of all a pwBPD will rewrite history in their minds to match the emotional memory of the moment. They will believe this revision is the absolute truth as well, so when they tell a 'lie' they're actually telling the truth from their perspective. Does that make sense?

Like your ex denying he cheated. Double standards as it's all about control.

My ex did this constantly about past exes. Somehow all of her partners were abusive... .I wouldn't be surprised if I am remembered as abusive as well. It's sad but it is what it is.