Ex BPD fiancee does not understand i don't want to talk to her...

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

Can someone please explain this situation please... .

I have a son with my exBPD fiancee hence I have to see her on most weekends... .

This woman cheated, constantly lied and humiliated me. I was forced to leave our relationship... She has since married my replacement... .

I only want to deal with this woman on matters only dealing with my son, I do not want to even say hello to her or acknowledge her in any other matters. However, when she tries to indulge in small talk to me and I ignore her, she acts hurt and peed off with me!

Why would she feel this way? Surely she must know that her actions in the past would have hurt me and understand that I simply hate her. ( I know hate is a strong word but it simply sums up my true feelings towards her).

I just don't understand... .

[Heartbroken Eagle]

Can someone please explain this situation please... .

I have a son with my exBPD fiancee hence I have to see her on most weekends... .

This woman cheated, constantly lied and humiliated me. I was forced to leave our relationship... She has since married my replacement... .

I only want to deal with this woman on matters only dealing with my son, I do not want to even say hello to her or acknowledge her in any other matters. However, when she tries to indulge in small talk to me and I ignore her, she acts hurt and peed off with me!

Why would she feel this way? Surely she must know that her actions in the past would have hurt me and understand that I simply hate her. ( I know hate is a strong word but it simply sums up my true feelings towards her).

I just don't understand... .

[hergestridge]

Can someone please explain this situation please... .

I have a son with my exBPD fiancee hence I have to see her on most weekends... .

This woman cheated, constantly lied and humiliated me. I was forced to leave our relationship... She has since married my replacement... .

I only want to deal with this woman on matters only dealing with my son, I do not want to even say hello to her or acknowledge her in any other matters. However, when she tries to indulge in small talk to me and I ignore her, she acts hurt and peed off with me!

Why would she feel this way? Surely she must know that her actions in the past would have hurt me and understand that I simply hate her. ( I know hate is a strong word but it simply sums up my true feelings towards her).

I just don't understand... .

No, she doesn't understand. Or at least that is her last priority.

I am in more or less the same situation as you. I have cut out my exwife from my life and she doesn't understand why I don't want to be friends with her.

She can't see her own part in what has happened and take responsibility. If she can find a model of thought that shifts blame back onto me, then she will. And she has.

When we broke up she was making my life hell in every way possible and she was thinking to herself that a short while after breaking up, couples become friends again. Regardless of what has happened.

Now she just think I am punishing her by refusing to be friends with her a year after the breakup. That is what her BPD mind is thinking.

She can't possibly fix all the hurt and damage she has subjected me to for over 20 years (not that she has tried mind you). What I have been going through is bordering on a post traumatic experience and I am simply going to have as little as ever possible to do with her in the future. It's for my own sake and I don't care what she thinks.

[Heartbroken Eagle]

Hergestridge,

Thanks for your reply.

I guess I need to understand that this is part of the illness.

Part of me thinks I should be more sympathetic towards her, but I have too many raw memories of how she treated me at the end that I just can't do that at the moment... .

[fromheeltoheal]

I guess I need to understand that this is part of the illness.

Yes, and remember attachments are everything to borderlines, it's the core of the disorder, and losing them means a borderline literally doesn't exist.  And that's not a thought, it's too deeply hardwired into the personality, so it shows up as a feeling, a really bad one, with a strong desire to reestablish that attachment, even if there are others, and rational thought and the history of the relationship has nothing to do with it.

[Suzn]

Part of me thinks I should be more sympathetic towards her, but I have too many raw memories of how she treated me at the end that I just can't do that at the moment... .

Totally understandable Heartbroken. Have you had a chance to check out the CoParenting board? It sounds like it might be a good fit for what you are dealing with right now. The Lessons for that board are really good.

[Turkish]

I've gone through a similar situation the past year and a half. My Ex acted like she wanted us to be BFFs even while she was still living with me, carrying on her double life! After she left, she knew I was angry and didn't like her, but that didn't stop repeated attempts to hang out "for the kids," nor to repeatedly come up with excuses to come over to the house. She abandoned us. No!

  I dropped off the kids the other morning with my replacement, her new husband, a guy young enough to be my son (18 years yonger, my ex is 11 younger than me)... He was asking me really basic parental questions. I felt like blowing up but didn't. Besides, the kids were there playing. I cut the conversation short.

While my overt anger has lessened, but the resentment still resides. It's completely understandable, especially when the OM is the new Stepdaddy.  

O go back to what my T said, "what's best for the kids?" This doesn't mean you have to be BFFs, or go on vacations with them (as I was invited to last month). However, demonstrating anger in front of your son is something he will pick up on. Boundaries are key, as is being Wisemind. Check out the CP board and the lessons there, as Suzn suggested.

As for the why? fromheeltoheal summarizes it in a way that makes sense. Leaving aside PD behaviors for a moment... .you're still the father of her son. Nothing will ever replace that.

Turkish

[hergestridge]

My exwife's BPD dad ruined totally ruined his wives life after their divorce. Always turnes up unanounced at her place, got friendly with all her friends. She was weak and never found the words to defend herself, and of course this made it impossible for her to find a new man or start a new life on her own properly. Everything she did she had to negotiate with him. He could just turn up at her place and express his displeasure with some decision she had taken, even it was none of his business at all.

This how a "friends" situation with a pwBPD can escalate.

[Lucky Jim]

she doesn't understand why I don't want to be friends with her.

She can't see her own part in what has happened and take responsibility. If she can find a model of thought that shifts blame back onto me, then she will. And she has.

Same for me, Eagle.  Agree, its all part of the disorder.  My BPDxW makes all sorts of highly inflammatory false allegations about me, in order to shift the blame onto me.  No, she can't see her part in our divorce and I doubt she ever will.

LuckyJim

[Mutt]

Hi Heartbroken Eagle,

I can understand how stressful that would feel when your ex partner, cheated, lied and humiliated you and you don't feel like engaging in small talk.

I get it. My ex partner criticized me for the same thing although she would project her rejection on the kids.

A pwBPD have a super sensitivity to rejection, or Highly Sensitive Person ( HSP ) It's my ex partner's compartment and I'm not responsible for how she feels and can't control her emotional responses, it may be a difficult goal to attain now because it's emotionally raw, a goal could be to depersonalize her behavior.

[Lucky Jim]

I'm not responsible for how she feels and can't control her emotional responses, it may be a difficult goal to attain now because it's emotionally raw, a goal could be to depersonalize her behavior.

Nicely put, Mutt.  LJ

[myself]

She wants you to believe the mask she's wearing.

When you show you don't, it makes her look into the mirror.

She doesn't like what she sees there, so projects it/blames you.

[Invictus01]

It is pretty easy. You are dealing with somebody who doesn't know what "boundaries" mean. Like a little kids when you tell them "No", will push to see how much they can get away with. And it is actually up to you how much you will let her get away with.

[Heartbroken Eagle]

Thank you all for you replies... .

My ex had selfish tendencies in the past, which in hindsight was a massive red flag which I accepted but did not like. She rarely thought about other peoples feelings as long as her needs are being met. I guess this is again another trait of BPD.

There is another part of me thinking that life for her is not as wonderful as she would to portray, mainly from some of the things my son had said and when I see her, she does not look 'happy'. But that is not my problem anymore!

[Mutt]

There is another part of me thinking that life for her is not as wonderful as she would to portray, mainly from some of the things my son had said and when I see her, she does not look 'happy'. But that is not my problem anymore!

Hi Heartbroken Eagle,

I struggled with resentful feelings and my ex wife with the cheating and lying. I'm not saying that you're resentful and I understand the raw emotions. Someone wise once told me "the boyfriend keeps her busy and the chaos away from you." I thought that was insightful and it's how I interpret it.

[Heartbroken Eagle]

Thanks Mutt.

That quote is so true