Seems the Final straw

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

Hi I have been on here before when I began a friendship semi relationship with a  girl I had known on and off some 20 years. At that time I was feeling abused and trying to make it work and had basically decided to call it quits but I guess I wasnt ready and the disfunction of the whole affair hadnt hit rock bottom at the time. I was depressed distraught, all the usual that I read from others experiences and got some good advice but could not bring myself to go no contact and went back.

Things seemed to get better for quite a while, several months. The duration of the relationship had gone on for some 13 t0 14 months. I call it a relationship but she would not committ and just called us friends though we had sex a few times. She played the usual promise, cheat , whole nine yards of usual behaviors of a classic BPD. I became as informed as I could and rode the rollercoaster that usually ended at rock bottom with her trying to harm me, and throwing me out or cheating about every full moon.

When we met she was doing well had gotten her young male child back after a  probationary period for cocaine and alcohol. She started dabbling in those however when she was off that period. She seemed to really love her kid and wanted to keep him and has done so up until this point.

But the symptoms and the use at present are in full mode. She has about quit going to therapy and is not taking her sleeping and nerve meds and is going back to a full blown crack cocaine addiction. I was trying to have a life with the girl and steer her away from all that but she has gradually and progressively gone in the opposite direction while of course lying and expressing a desire to go the other way. She splits more rapidly now and to make a long story short we got tipsy together last night and I got angry without touching her and told her she hated me unstead of loving me which she has been saying a lot lately but of course not showing it. I also called her a liar. She went ballistic and attacked me though I simply tryed to hold her she like to have bit my nose off and cracked my head open to the point of almost stitches and then threatened to call the law and fabricate a lie.

I never hit her or anything she tryed to control her when she attacked, by holding her arms. I left and talked to her on the phone and she said of course it was all my fault and I disrespected her kid and  broke her finger. All of this was total fabrication. I just couldnt hold the truth of how she acted as compared to her words. She cant handle that I guess and now im out in the cold. I guess you might know I since I stuck this out so long, I truely love and care for her but she is not making any effort to get better though we she seemed to be trusting me more and we were much closer but with the usual push me pull you not quite as extreme as early on and she had apologized for how she had treated me and then last  night bam. I think she figured I was submissive enough and would put up with all her crap.

I was walking on eggshells and she kept finding fault. So though I quit for some time on here. I am back thinking it is probably all over and should be after the violence and emotional torture inflicted upon me. I tell no lie though when I say I have treated her as good as I could and she even admited it right before all this crap. She just cannot face her true self I guess. I am pretty sure she is going downhill and no I cant help her and am kind of dealing with it a little better in that I am not crying or maybe just shell shocked at this point. What I really want to do if she is still talking to me in a few days is calmer beg her to please get back in Therapy and try to get off the drugs or I believe she is doomed to lose the kid eventually if not sooner and that then if I see some true progress I would still help her, but I sense we are at the end and not sure if that is possible.

I dont intend to contact her because I am not going to say I have been the ass here because I have not and that is what she wants me to do is be guilty and ashamed and im really not. God I just need some more good advice because the wounds both physical and emotional are still raw and I am trying to do the right thing, though I sense no contact will be necessary if she doesnt move at least somewhat in the right direction. I wont be a traitor to her as she has really been to me by cheating several times and turning on me violently by turning her in the the authorities but I feel karma will bite her in the ass if she doesnt get the will to make more of an effort.

Thanks anyone for some insite besides just no contact on how to approach her with my kind of ultimatum without causing the rage and salvage it or sadly just walk away from a girl I truel deeply love. Jerked a tear then. This is hard the second time around though, maybe not as raw but its killing me to just let her destroy herself.

[Victim1]

Hi I have been on here before when I began a friendship semi relationship with a  girl I had known on and off some 20 years. At that time I was feeling abused and trying to make it work and had basically decided to call it quits but I guess I wasnt ready and the disfunction of the whole affair hadnt hit rock bottom at the time. I was depressed distraught, all the usual that I read from others experiences and got some good advice but could not bring myself to go no contact and went back.

Things seemed to get better for quite a while, several months. The duration of the relationship had gone on for some 13 t0 14 months. I call it a relationship but she would not committ and just called us friends though we had sex a few times. She played the usual promise, cheat , whole nine yards of usual behaviors of a classic BPD. I became as informed as I could and rode the rollercoaster that usually ended at rock bottom with her trying to harm me, and throwing me out or cheating about every full moon.

When we met she was doing well had gotten her young male child back after a  probationary period for cocaine and alcohol. She started dabbling in those however when she was off that period. She seemed to really love her kid and wanted to keep him and has done so up until this point.

But the symptoms and the use at present are in full mode. She has about quit going to therapy and is not taking her sleeping and nerve meds and is going back to a full blown crack cocaine addiction. I was trying to have a life with the girl and steer her away from all that but she has gradually and progressively gone in the opposite direction while of course lying and expressing a desire to go the other way. She splits more rapidly now and to make a long story short we got tipsy together last night and I got angry without touching her and told her she hated me unstead of loving me which she has been saying a lot lately but of course not showing it. I also called her a liar. She went ballistic and attacked me though I simply tryed to hold her she like to have bit my nose off and cracked my head open to the point of almost stitches and then threatened to call the law and fabricate a lie.

I never hit her or anything she tryed to control her when she attacked, by holding her arms. I left and talked to her on the phone and she said of course it was all my fault and I disrespected her kid and  broke her finger. All of this was total fabrication. I just couldnt hold the truth of how she acted as compared to her words. She cant handle that I guess and now im out in the cold. I guess you might know I since I stuck this out so long, I truely love and care for her but she is not making any effort to get better though we she seemed to be trusting me more and we were much closer but with the usual push me pull you not quite as extreme as early on and she had apologized for how she had treated me and then last  night bam. I think she figured I was submissive enough and would put up with all her crap.

I was walking on eggshells and she kept finding fault. So though I quit for some time on here. I am back thinking it is probably all over and should be after the violence and emotional torture inflicted upon me. I tell no lie though when I say I have treated her as good as I could and she even admited it right before all this crap. She just cannot face her true self I guess. I am pretty sure she is going downhill and no I cant help her and am kind of dealing with it a little better in that I am not crying or maybe just shell shocked at this point. What I really want to do if she is still talking to me in a few days is calmer beg her to please get back in Therapy and try to get off the drugs or I believe she is doomed to lose the kid eventually if not sooner and that then if I see some true progress I would still help her, but I sense we are at the end and not sure if that is possible.

I dont intend to contact her because I am not going to say I have been the ass here because I have not and that is what she wants me to do is be guilty and ashamed and im really not. God I just need some more good advice because the wounds both physical and emotional are still raw and I am trying to do the right thing, though I sense no contact will be necessary if she doesnt move at least somewhat in the right direction. I wont be a traitor to her as she has really been to me by cheating several times and turning on me violently by turning her in the the authorities but I feel karma will bite her in the ass if she doesnt get the will to make more of an effort.

Thanks anyone for some insite besides just no contact on how to approach her with my kind of ultimatum without causing the rage and salvage it or sadly just walk away from a girl I truel deeply love. Jerked a tear then. This is hard the second time around though, maybe not as raw but its killing me to just let her destroy herself.

[SGraham]

Victiim,

I am sorry to hear you are suffering. I went through a very similar situation (yet admittedly far shorter duration) and i fully understand your dilemma. As things were falling apart i felt like i wasn't prepared to walk away from the girl that i loved yet i also wasn't prepared to reach out because she had hurt me so much. I had to remind myself  that throughout the relationship i was kind, patient and accommodating  so that if things werent working it was on her not me. so id say stand your ground, you are right to think nc will help. What ever you end up doing remember to not beat yourself up, From what youve said it seams like you have treated your partner with nothing but respect and patience.

I wish you the best

SG

[Victim1]

Thank You so much. She has called the following morning expressing regret and a wish to never drink again and we are talking again. Though my truck is broke down and I cant see her. I dont think she really has come to grips with the underlying cause which is her BPD and considers any mention of that , though she has been diagnosed and did if not still is in therapy. She considers talk of that critical and it is hard to approach. I said I could get passed the incident but could not continue to see her if something like that occured again. Thanks again.

[SGraham]

Yeah like i said, my ex had a history of substance abuse and many of the situations you described happened to me as well so i totally feel you. Anyway, im glad to hear things are going better. Feel free to msg me anytime if you have a question or anything else

SG

[Victim1]

I returned to her house tonight totally accomodating to her and she had a baby sitter and though she swore the day after the last incident that she was going clean was using again and befor long picked another fight though not as violent and tried to make me feel guilty again. The final bridge is burned I think and I am going no support no contact. She gives me no other choice so I am going to have to join the leaving board I guess as the same ole original pain and torture which somewhat I think she enjoys is going on again and it will be hard but Im sticking to it this time. I realize this is crucial because she is screwing other guys for drugs I am pretty sure and just using her messed up logic and saying I am calling her a whore as  a means to make me feel guilty for even insinuating in a nice sort of way that she was even slightly possibly thinking she is not having sex for drugs when the evidence is plainly clear when she is getting them without any money. They expect you to be accomodating and only see their good persona when the opposite is the only thing a sane logical person would acertain from the facts of th situation. That is what blows your mind that they really expect you to believe them and are willing to cut you out of thier life instantly if you dont submit to thier insane logic. I am having trouble getting my head around it. and it hurts dont get me wrong. But I realize the futility of it all and am fed up enought to go nc. I need some help coping with the cruel and illogicl manner they behave in when I only wanted to do her right and truely love her. But I realize that is an impossibility and so therefore must try to cope with the fact that my feelings are of no real concern to her and move on and forget her.

[Victim1]

Now she is full blown acting out and accusing me of needing therapy she is out of control and of course still requesting my emediate help financially. How should I respond with her calling me crazy when I know its just projection, ignore no contact I dont know.

[JohnLove]

Your answers are in the tools on this site. They are your best chance to make sense of this or have any sort of closure. If she is sleeping around that would be a deal breaker for me to see this woman as any sort of real life partner. At least it was with my BPDex and we had 3 children.

Responding specifically to the points raised in your last post:

You know if you need therapy. That's not her job.

Financial "help" is just enabling. Is she feeling bad about being used for sexual favours?... .SHE SHOULD BE. It is not your responsibility to help her avoid that. IT'S HERS!

Tell her you're crazy... .I know I was to endure SHYT like this.

Think more of yourself and less of her. The way it should be.