Not your typical year later post - long

[ShadowIntheNight]

This time a year ago my uBPDexgf walked out of our relationship. She literally abandoned it without an explanation other than to say she had been dating men (behind my back) last summer.

We were a lesbian couple who had been together over 9.5 years. We didn't live together, but were together often as well as communicated via phone or email (I rarely text, and I certainly don't text with my partner.) several times through the course of a day. I have been retired since I was 43, and she is a practicing LPC (licensed practicing counselor). She has two children I have known since they were 2 and 4. She had previously been married (to a man) for 10 years, and we got together during the time she was divorcing from him.

She is also of Hispanic descent. That's important because at times in the later years of our relationship she would say "I can't be the only daughter of an Hispanic family and be gay." What has bothered me about that statement is that when they show pictures of women getting their marriage licenses in places like Houston or South TX since the Supreme Court decision in June,  the women are invariably of Hispanic descent.

She is also a practicing catholic. I am episcopalian. She always teased me that I am catholic-lite, and we enjoyed attending religious services together on numerous occassions.

Last spring (2014), a prolonged court case with her exH that had lasted for appx 2.5 yrs was given a final hearing. She didn't lose custody of her kids, but for reasons I have yet to learn, the judge cut her child support more than 1/2, with no explanation. She had not had a single support increase in the time she and her exH were divorced, and her income was not lavishly high. In fact, of all the divorced women I have known in my adult life, she is the FIRST one I've known who had their support cut even though state law requires a certain percentage of the husband's income to be used as support. Furthermore, he did not have a cut in his earnings, but they had gone up during that time. The judge offered no explanation to cutting the child support for her.

During this case I was her rock. I helped her out financially with her attorney (I didn't pay it all, but gave her retainers and money to pay toward the legal fees), I took her on trips out of town so she could get her mind off the case, and helped her financially with her kids when money was tight for her during that time. This didn't seem odd to me. We had been together by this point over 6 years and we were moving toward a life where we could finally be together one day.

When she came to visit me after Christmas of 2013, she acted strange. Told me her mother (who knew me, and we had all been to Vegas together, tho she didn't know the nature of our relationship) asked if I was gay. I asked my ex what she answered her mother, and in typical fashion, mumbled something as she walked out the door. By the end of the trip she was telling me she would probably end up telling her oldest child about us eventually. So whatever anxiety she had when she arrived at my place has dissipated when she left 5 days later.

Over the course of the next 6 months, her demeanor changed toward me again. By May she was talking to me less and less and telling me she was busy or tired (hands up if you've heard that crap before). By July, I was getting a text once every week or so. The final straw for me was when she included me in a group text saying she had finally signed the final decree. A text. To me. After I texted her demanding an explanation, she then had the audacity to tell me she was sending a thank you note to her youngest child's teachers thanking them for being supportive of her the last 9 months. Do you think I got a thank you note? Do you think I got anything? No. Not a single word of acknowledgement of all I had done for her in helping her keep her kids during the endless extensions and legal fights. Nothing.

And while that was hurtful enough, two weeks later she sends me a birthday card. It was quite special in fact. She told me I deserved to be happier all the time. Then signed it "LOVE," her and her kids. She also included a typed note telling me she had been dating men all summer and that she and her kids were going down a different path. That's what she called leaving me, "going down a different path." She then implied that I had been a good friend to her and her kids and essentially ignored our entire life together as a romantic couple. There was no explanation in any of the notes. Nothing telling me what had changed. Nothing even saying that we were finished, but it was implied. How's that from someone who's made a career of supposedly helping people be their authentic selves? And closure. How do you get closure with no explanation. She just as well had said "Fall is coming. We're through." That's how much sense it made.

And so this is where I am one year later: I am as deeply hurt today as I was a year ago. I am also as angry as I was a year ago. She and I, who were best of friends and had talked everyday for 9.5 years have not spoken a word to one another since then. When I got the note I called her. Gutless coward that she is, she sent me to voice mail, and I can assure you what she heard was not nearly as neat as the way she threw me under the train.

Her birthday is two weeks and two days after mine. None of my friends would let me contact her on it. And frankly, knowing how she adores herself (she throws a party for herself every year) that wounded her more than me throwing the gauntlet at her on my birthday.

By the first of September I started receiving silent hang up calls. These have continued the entire time we have been apart, even tho the last one has been about three weeks now. I don't think they've ended. I think she's getting her kids ready for school and probably doesn't want me to "guess" it's her by calling me the week of my birthday. And she would do stupid stuff like that too. I have no idea why she won't open her mouth and say anything. But I do know that an apology would go a long ways in changing how I feel about her.

Which is really the purpose of this post. I am so livid that in the course of 365 days she has been able to call and hang up when I say hello, but has done nothing to show that she regrets the way she treated me. There is no question in my mind that she is seeing some guy, frankly, because she has zero financial acumen and couldn't take care of her and her kids on her own even though she makes plenty of money. You can read my previous posts to learn about how she can't keep house, pay bills on time, and always makes excuses about everything. And it's always someone or something else's fault, never hers.

That she has made no attempt to contact me beyond these hangups and I have suffered knowing that she has been letting some guy she met on a dating site tell her he loves her, and she loves him and sleeping with him acting as if no one ever loved or cared for her in her life enrages me. So much so to the point I am considering contacting her mother, her exH, and her boss to let them all know exactly what kind of a person she really is. I know the note she typed and the language she used in it was to cover her butt should I had ever decided to go after her. But I know for a fact she knows I have every note, every email, every text (the few times we texted), and every "I love you sweetie" she ever said to me. It would be quite clear to anyone that we were in a committed relationship.

I'm sure many of you think "well she must have given some reason," no she didn't. Maybe you think she was unhappy in the relationship, if she was, she was for 9.5 years and Meryl Streep needs to hand my ex her Oscar's because she surely acted completely happy. So I am stuck a year later with no explanation as to why I've been put thru this upheaval, why she calls, and doesn't sat anything, and labor over the injustice this has created in my life. All while she is letting some guy dote over her who thinks no one ever knew how to treat or care for her in her whole life.

Please don't offer me platitudes of looking at my self and finding happiness in the things I've got in my life. I've actually been in AA almost 25 years now. I've had a therapist I have seen (now only on an as needed basis) since 1993, and I have quite a bit of self-awareness. What I don't have is peace of mind. She has taken that from me. And in my mind, because of her actions, I feel like she needs to suffer in the way that I have. My actions have nothing to do with having any of those people seeing me a certain way. It is completely irrelevant to me what they think of me. But it will cause her a lot of turmoil. And considering I have had nothing but emotional pain and many sleepless nights because of her, she deserves that in return at the very least.

She has gotten away with her cowardly actions for a year. I'm sure her mother wonders why her daughter never talks about me anymore. She talked about me all the time to her for 9.5 years. I suspect it goes along the lines of "Shadow doesn't like that I'm dating the man I'm with now, so we had to part company. Plus, she said some really mean things to me." Right. And I'm sure her kids have noticed that their mother who always told them "Quiet, I haven't gotten to talk to Shadow all day," doesn't even talk to me now.  I can only guess that the oldest one has asked her on several occassions to call me for help with a computer problem and she has said no. And if that happened, I hope it ticked her off!

And I also suspect her exH must be wondering how come his ex wife who was never with a man in 10 years and the kids who were always talking about doing things with Shadow and now don't means. He actually called her a lesbian 2 years ago. He knows she's gay. And the thought of making her make up something to tell the guy she's been seeing gives me some measure of delight.

I know none of this will get rid of what I had to suffer, and still suffer because my pain doesn't go away knowing I treated someone so well, for so long, and was maltreated like this ultimately. I have said on many occassions I should have been awful to her, at least then I'd deserve being treated this way. And don't get me going on Karma and God.

I know this isn't your typical post on these boards. But after a year I don't look at it and say things have gotten better. I look at it and ask why? what did I do to deserve such callous treatment? And particularly how come things are clearly going so well for her that she hasn't had to back peddle on anything she did to me last year or at the very least say she regretted the way she handled things. Not a single peep. It crushes me to know that I never knew her true nature at all. And I assure you, she was well vetted when we began dating. There was nothing in her history or that showed up in the time we were together over 9.5 years that deep down she was such a cruel immature person. If it matters, she's 46.

Thanks for reading.

[Blimblam]

no worries.  no judgement here... .

"Imagine yourself as a ball of white healing light... .Now imagine your cave. You're going into your cave to find your power animal."

I'm just kidding.  I think the revenge fantasies and desire to see them fail is something most people feel about their exs at some stage.  For me the revenge/seeing them fail fantasies was a therapeutic part of my moving on it allowed me to contain that overwhelming anxiety and pain into symbolic representation. For me it was actually focusing on the pain head on full stop, and at which point it was felt in my body, and just laying their feeling like crap, and also seeking out music and film that allowed me to cry that I found the most therapeutic. Also karaoke to music that made me cry. That kind of stuff allowed me to access that pain and process it.

For me none of the focus on the positive type of junk did much of anything other than make me roll my eyes.

Are you upset because you feel you should be further along on your 'healing adventure?'

[ShadowIntheNight]

no worries.  no judgement here... .

"Imagine yourself as a ball of white healing light... .Now imagine your cave. You're going into your cave to find your power animal."

I'm just kidding.  I think the revenge fantasies and desire to see them fail is something most people feel about their exs at some stage.  For me the revenge/seeing them fail fantasies was a therapeutic part of my moving on it allowed me to contain that overwhelming anxiety and pain into symbolic representation. For me it was actually focusing on the pain head on full stop, and at which point it was felt in my body, and just laying their feeling like crap, and also seeking out music and film that allowed me to cry that I found the most therapeutic. Also karaoke to music that made me cry. That kind of stuff allowed me to access that pain and process it.

For me none of the focus on the positive type of junk did much of anything other than make me roll my eyes.

Are you upset because you feel you should be further along on your 'healing adventure?'

No. I'm upset someone who had absolutely no reason to treat me in the manner she did, did. I'm angry that she thinks she got clean scot away with taking a substantial amount of money from me and hasn't had to repay a cent toward it. I'm angry that she's letting some guy believe (probably) that she has never had anyone understand her or love her the way he does in her life ever. I am angry that she is living a lie in front of everyone in her life in her home town and denying that our romantic relationship ever existed. I am angry that there wasn't a single thing in 9.5 years that made her reconsider what she was going to do when she did it.

I am angry that rather than tell me a single word about what she was going thru, she has left me to guess at what the heck happened and that she just abandoned our relationship. And I'm particularly angry that she deliberately and maliciously sent me that note inside of a birthday card to me, that also said "I wanted to be sure you had a card from me on your birthday," when she could have easily sent it any other time. Why she chose to hurt me on my birthday is beyond me. It's cruel.

When your heart is torn out you don't get a new heart. You get a pacemaker. It's not the same heart anymore. I don't expect healing, I just expect it to beat til it stops. And I don't appreciate being thrust on a journey I have no clear reason for being on in the first place. My childhood issues were resolved many years ago. Clearly hers weren't because much of this has to do with her mother. But that's in another post.

[Conundrum]

It sounds as if you desire old testament justice. An eye for an eye etc. I can't say whether feeding the drama llama by attempting to bring the wrath of G-d down upon her will constitute an equitable remedy that mitigates your suffering. But, "war never changes," while all things change. If I can be presumptuous in light of your terrible pain, I would suggest that if all suffering is caused by desire then the road to peace and freedom is not achieved via an escalating war. I'm very sorry for the injustice you have suffered. It sounds as if you were very good and loving w her. Amor vincit omnia is a flexible notion in this finite dimension that we inhabit and justice is a temporal notion when it cums to matters of the heart. Go in peace.

[Blimblam]

I don't appreciate being thrust on a journey I have no clear reason for being on in the first place.

Hey, I hear you.  I never asked to be born but I'm here.  It's one of those things that are never so clear, Like I didn't really choose to fall in love with my ex it's almost as if it was already chosen and was just realized as I was falling.  It was asking myself why was it I had that already made template within me and where the heck that came from that sort of helped me. Also why I felt so compelled to keep trying when clearly things were going down hill.

[ShadowIntheNight]

I don't appreciate being thrust on a journey I have no clear reason for being on in the first place.

Hey, I hear you.  I never asked to be born but I'm here.  It's one of those things that are never so clear, Like I didn't really choose to fall in love with my ex it's almost as if it was already chosen and was just realized as I was falling.  It was asking myself why was it I had that already made template within me and where the heck that came from that sort of helped me. Also why I felt so compelled to keep trying when clearly things were going down hill.

Thanks blimblam. The thing is things weren't going downhill. It wasn't until May of last year that it was clear something wasn't on the up & up from her. At that point I made a mental note to be careful of her. I didn't work harder, I didn't pressure her about stuff, I just made a mental note to watch things from her. There was no tap dancing on my part at all. So I wasn't compelled to do anything to have her see my value. she knew it without anything else from me. This wasn't me trying to walk on quicksand. This was someone who had something scare her to the point that she ran with no explanation. I am left to guess why.

I understand many people who post here have breakups where someone says it's over. I have only met one person in the year I've been here who was literally abandoned where the other person walked out with no explanation besides me. I've never had this happen before. I certainly never expected it from her. But being left by someone with absolutely no explanation leaves a person in an extremely uncomfortable place. All I have are guesses at why she left.

But mostly it has left me quite angry at someone who had no reason to do what she did. I'm a reasonable person. If she wanted out she could have said that. Instead she chose to thrust a knife through me. And I understand that this is a disorder. But unfortunately, I can't cut her slack for that. She knew exactly what she was doing. And she could have chosen not to. But instead I'm left with a morose memory of her having been in my life. And unfortunately that doesn't just go away.

[Blimblam]

hmm... that's interesting. For one some of my own sort of ideas and also because I'm sorry that sucks.

In my mind I really associate the cut and run thing more of a narcissistic kind of thing.  I had a lot of trouble understanding myself.  I read through a lot of the materials on this site which was a big help initially, but It was turning to clinical materials that really clarified a lot of things for me personally.

Its odd because what you describe doesn't seem to really match my experiences with the disorder.

Your pain and your reality of the experience though I can remember similar feelings and your experience is a valid one, even if its not the one you planned.

[fromheeltoheal]

Hey Shadow-

A year isn't really that long after 9 years, and there are no timeframes anyway, it is what it is.

Bottom line you are still giving her a lot of power.  In AA you admitted you were powerless over alcohol, your life had become unmanageable, and you came to believe that a power greater than yourself could restore you to sanity, yes?  You turned to something external because the addiction was stronger than you were, so you outsourced the power to conquer it.

Is the same thing true with you ex?  You've got a lot of anger, or in other words you're fcking pissed off, and you can use that, use it to take your power back and get her the hell out of your life for good.  No, she doesn't get to fck with you anymore. 

And the best way to beat an addiction is not to fight it, but to create something new; what would that be?

No more sitting around and ruminating, time to act, time to take your power back.  You can write that off as empty or you can just do it.

[KateCat]

Shadow, do I understand last year's timeline of events correctly? Last May you sense a weakening of your relationship to your partner, followed fairly closely by two significant events in July: 1) Your partner receives a final decree of divorce from the husband who is also father to her children? 2) Your partner decides she is "taking another path," which includes terminating her relationship with you and beginning to date men?

I may have read your history too hastily, but the first thing that crossed my mind was that there could well be "reasons" for a psychologically challenged individual to erase her same-sex partner at just that juncture.

If I were in your shoes, I'd probably be doubly resentful that all of this happened against the backdrop of a year of decisive social gains for same-sex couples in the U.S. Instead of celebrating with your partner this summer, you're left with this.  :'(

(I agree with others that taking the high road now will pay off later. Five years from now, you'll be glad you did.)

[apollotech]

And I understand that this is a disorder. But unfortunately, I can't cut her slack for that.

Hi Shadow,

I am sorry to hear that you're still stuck in your questions and pain. I don't have the answer(s) as to why you exSO abandoned you without reason, and I am not sure that you'll ever get that answer. I know that that is a tough reality to face, but it is a possibility. Even without all of the answers you can still move forward towards healing.

I am concerned with what you've written above (quoted). Understanding something is not the same as accepting something. Is this perhaps where you're being arrested on the path to healing? This was my personal process for healing: Knowledge of the BPD complex led to understanding. That understanding led to acceptance. That acceptance led to forgiveness. That forgiveness led to closure. I am not saying that my healing journey will work for you, but I hate to see you still with your questions and pain. It's something to consider to help you move forward.

[Learning_curve74]

Hey Shadow, I think anybody in your situation would have cause to feel angry. You loved her and supported her, and you feel she hurt you selfishly, cowardly, without explanation, right? A lot of us here have been in the same situation. So the question is, what are you going to do about it that reflects your core values and ideals?

You can't ever control what your ex does nor change what she did. So what is it you want and is it realistic? If you want a sorrowful apology from her, then you'll most likely be quite disappointed. Where do you go from here? That's your choice.

[soar]

I understand many people who post here have breakups where someone says it's over. I have only met one person in the year I've been here who was literally abandoned where the other person walked out with no explanation besides me. I've never had this happen before. I certainly never expected it from her. But being left by someone with absolutely no explanation leaves a person in an extremely uncomfortable place. All I have are guesses at why she left.

I just wanted to say that I have first hand experience of this too and it's f*cking horrible. There's nothing more I can say about it.

[ShadowIntheNight]

I understand many people who post here have breakups where someone says it's over. I have only met one person in the year I've been here who was literally abandoned where the other person walked out with no explanation besides me. I've never had this happen before. I certainly never expected it from her. But being left by someone with absolutely no explanation leaves a person in an extremely uncomfortable place. All I have are guesses at why she left.

I just wanted to say that I have first hand experience of this too and it's f*cking horrible. There's nothing more I can say about it.

thank you for saying so, and I'm sorry you've had to endure it. She and I were best friends for 10 years, and then to walk away as if I had meant nothing in her and her kids' life is as insulting as it is hurtful. Like I said, all I have is guesses as what went thru her head to do what she did. My best guess is nothing did. She simply reacted to something. And still hasn't the guts to tell me what that something was. At this point I doubt she recalls.

[soar]

I know how you feel. I was disregarded like a piece of trash. Images of us wiped from facebook like our relationship never even existed. It's deeply hurtful. It was 3 years ago when I was cut off. Only 2 months ago I found out about BPD. So before that I was just bewildered and in intolerable pain. I hope discovering BPD will help me move on although atm I feel deeply scarred.

[ShadowIntheNight]

I know how you feel. I was disregarded like a piece of trash. Images of us wiped from facebook like our relationship never even existed. It's deeply hurtful. It was 3 years ago when I was cut off. Only 2 months ago I found out about BPD. So before that I was just bewildered and in intolerable pain. I hope discovering BPD will help me move on although atm I feel deeply scarred.

Interesting. I found out about 3 months after she left. There was no reason for me to expect her as disordered. she is a therapist and counsels college-aged kids daily. We talked about mental illness quite a bit. The kids who have BPD, she called cutters. Kids who cut themselves. I asked them why they did this, she told me. But she never used the letters BPD or the name of the disorder in the 9.5 years I knew her. Ever. So when I googled "scapegoating by an ex" lo and behold page after page of links to narcissism and BPD showed up. After I read the BPD description I knew I had found out what went wrong. Suddenly 9.5 years of puzzling behaviors from her made sense. Sadly.

Anyway, I'm glad you finally found something that helped give you an understanding. It still doesn't answer why it happened to us. I had my ex vetted by quite a few professionals I knew before we became serious to make sure I wasn't overlooking something because of my feelings for her. In the end, she ultimately fooled us all. But liar that she is (and clearly continues to be) she is still fooling people.