how to argue?

[capn_elly]

Hello,

I have never posted on any forum before. I don't really know why I am doing it right now. I just have no one to talk to about this problem. If i talk to my family or friends, they all think my husband is abusive and will tell me to just leave him. I dont want to though. Most of the time he is fanatic. But his Mr. Hyde side is really vehemently destructive.

My husband is a deaf man with BPD. He completed dbt therapy, but still has issues. I don't know how to describe it mostly. He just makes up these weird delusional judgement and goes with them. Especially about me. He tells my friends/coworkers/people that I am amazing, and he is lucky to have me, but whenever we argue (which is usually about some distortion in his head) he really rips into me. He calls me a selfish b___, he insults my integrity, our arguments are very bad. I am writing because we just had one, and the reasons he is angry are all over the board.I cannot fully sort them out. it just really blows my mind. I guess it doesn't even matter what the topic is about, I just dont know how to act in this situation. When he becomes angry, he shuts all logic down and reverts to a hypocritical child repeating how much he doesn't care what anyone thinks.

He is a great father, and most of the time a good partner. I am just really really upset right now because i don't know how many more times i can have an argument where all i say is "no that's not what i meant. no i didn't say that. no i don't believe that. no that wasn't the point. no i am not trying to control you. no i am not what you say i am. no i am not a b___." I spent literally every argument defending myself over and over. I don't know what to do anymore, its just destroying me from the inside, and its leaving me with a near permanent anxiety that results in permanent nausea. He has left a trail of broken friendships, and been fired from so many jobs for freaking out at people.

I dont know how to do this. I dont know how to raise my children with a man who consistently devalues me and after our arguments I don't even know how to reconnect.

What do other people do when they want to make it work? I dont want to destroy and give up on my marriage, I want to find a way to cope with it... .

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[an0ught]

Hi capn_elly,

My husband is a deaf man with BPD.

I guess that is adding some particular challenges when it comes to communication  

Good question how to argue. I'm not getting the point today - I used to get the point in the past - but these days I've come to a different view: Why argue? I know, this sounds like twisting words but what I've learned over the past years is that it helps to shift your perspective here:

- What do you want to achieve? Do you want to change his mind? If yes then lots of validation and some SET is much more effective than arguing.

- Does it matter what the other person says? If it has no real consequence why should I expend energy?

- If it has consequences - how can I control them? I may not have to argue but can take other more effective measures to ensure what matters happens or happens not.

- Is the argument a ruse to get me into a fight? Be your own guest - I take a break.

- Are words/statements by the pwBPD mainly a vehicle to expression extreme emotions - validate emotions (and ignore the words) or simply walk away if they are too hurtful.

- Arguing to a degree a battle of judgment. But judgment is some form of b&w thinking and we got already too much of that in the relationship. Less judgment of the partner also weakens the inner critic and helps with self esteem.

In the end what you say when everyone is calm (thus is truly heard) and the real life actions/consequences are the only things that matter in the long term.

,

a0