Daughters of Bdp fathers and Dating

[Auslaunder]

Hi Everyone!,

Most Borderlines are women and reading the stories here I feel so blessed that my mother was supportive of me. I don't think I could have survived if the BPD in my life were my mother. You all are inspiring and courageous. My father was the Borderlne in my family however and it has given me troubles relating to romantic partners.

At first I was having trouble choosing romantic partners that were abusive and like my father. My first marriage falls into this category. Now I'm hoping to find someone mentally healthy but I'm unsure of the proper relationship women should have to men. I'm a Catholic but could be described as a devout moderate. The Bible guides my life but I try to look at context and Love is the primary commandment to me.

I think that I'm looking for a very kind man that leads quietly and through example and love. A mother does the same but the husband also leads his wife this way. He doesn't force his wife to do anything because he loves her as his own body. Am I wrong for thinking a husband should have a quiet leadership role?

Are there other daughters of BPD fathers that have found happiness in marriage that can give advice on what to look for in dating?

[Auslaunder]

This is a pretty subjective question. I'm really just looking for anyone who had a borderline father that now has a happy marriage that can give me advice. Religious or not.

[Turkish]

I hope you don't mind me commenting as a guy,  I chose a woman very much an emotional similarity to my BPD mom. I one better. Was aware of the red flags on the first date, etc... .

I think back to something I learned in at-risk youth mentoring: you don't know what you don't know.

I was never controlling. She even used to say she appreciated that I wasn't like that. Yet in the end, she said I fai led to "lead and guide" her, so in reality, that's what she wanted; an emotional parent. That's not a reciprocal r/s.

In the end, I ticked off my list of core values, and realized that she met few of them. A huge ms match in many ways. Yet, being an emotional soother was what I was comfortable with. I did it with my mom to survive. I was trying to fix my issue with one person (my mom) using a different person (the mother of my children). That's not possible, as I found out.

What are your core values, and are you willing to let those be busted to "settle?" Compromise is one thing, but violations of who we are I feel is unacceptable. If we can't entirely fix our parental relationships in reality, then fixing them in our minds is a good first step in finding a healthy partner.

[Auslaunder]

Hi Turkish,

The comparison to your BPD ex causes me much consternation. Now I'm worried about myself.   I think I have control issues and need to let the men in my life make more decisions about his life, the relationship, even my life. My control issues are not scary but they are certainly present and make it difficult to be happy. Sorry that wasn't clear in the question.  I started trying to look for ideal relationships but  they do tend to be very romanized, like trying to copy the Cleavers in Leave to Beaver.

[Turkish]

Maybe this can help:

Characteristics of Healthy Relationships

As for the religious aspect, have you ever come across the idea that people can engage in idolatry of partners and even families (maybe think the Duggars in the latter instance). A friend of mine pointed this out, that my Ex idolized me as a Father figure, not seeing me as a real person. Her did is uBPD (and her mother is a Hermit-Waif). Everyone has issues, or "wounds" as my T said. It's hard to see clearly when we may be busy trying to fix the wounds of others at the expense of working on ourselves.

You might want to explore this further on the Dating Board.

[Auslaunder]

Thanks Turkish,

That was very helpful. I realized I was only controlling during my marriage. I've had a few long term healthy relationships. My ex was always on the brink of bankruptcy or committing crimes or doing things that would get him fired or doing very dangerous things. He was a pathological liar so it was impossible to get him to agree to alter a behavior and compromise because he would lie. It's out of character for me to be controlling but now I know that part of my character is there and it scared me. I think I will go on the dating board. That's very good advice.