Which Way is Up ROLLERCOASTER? New Here, Introduction Thread

[Tangy]

Warning, this is super long... .If you want to skim... .the end part (starting December 2014) is definitely the most important I think... .

I was in a relationship for a little over 3 years. When we met, there were some very serendipitous circumstances surrounding it. This made our already intense honeymoon period even moreso. People/family had chills about our meeting story and thought we were meant to be, just as I had, and he. Not surprisingly I already had a BF. Because of the way we met, he felt like we were soulmates, but I didn't want to just jump out of my relationship. I thought it was wrong. I hadn't been happy for a long time, but I still didn't want to be that girl... .that just jumps out of a relationship into a new one. It took me a year to really figure out what I wanted to do, and a year after we met we started dating. He held on, like the whole time I was with the other guy. Now I understand why my unavailability was so attractive to him.

So pretty soon after we officially got together, I starting seeing the red flags. Two months after we had been seeing each other regularly I tried to talk to him about some things that were bothering me and I remember him just staring at me. There was no communication back and forth... .and it really hurt my feelings, so I started crying, and he didn't even seem affected. Which was weird because having been in a relationship for four years previously, I was used to comfort... .or care... .or consideration when there were tears. He ended up leaving and not calling for three days. I didn't know if we were broken up for if I was ever going to hear from him again.

We moved in with one another entirely too quickly. And then thats when the fighting really started. And I myself had some borderliney features. I would start conversations with him trying to talk calmly about what needs I had, but by the time the conversation was over, I'd be left feeling shameful for having needs, because he'd say things like, ":)on't have feelings to hurt" or just stonewall me completely, or sometimes he'd just start crying and I'd end up apologizing to him. Sometimes, especially on the topic of other girls/female friends, I'd end up in tears and start raging because I was so jealous and afraid of abandonment.

Then a year into the relationship, something really weird happened. He went out to visit his family across the country. We kissed at the airport and he's like I'll skype you every night can't wait to see you when I get back etc... .He skyped the first night. Then for the whole rest of the week I didnt hear from him (lack of object permanence... .which I had no idea about at the time)... .and when he got back he didn't want to come home that night, he wanted to stay the night at his grandmas. After begging and crying he finally decided to come home... .and he was really nasty with me... .saying "I just cant be who you need me to be... .I don't think I can do this relationship... .blah blah) I put my arms around him and hugged him, he then starts crying saying he doesnt know what hes talking about... .dont listen to him... .he knows he needs me... .and then we had intense sex (like always). We end up renting a house together that summer... .and unbeknownst to me, he started the process to propose to me. He went out to my dads house to ask permission, researched my ring size, bought a really special ring that had significance to our meeting... .and by the fall of 13 had proposed. I thought things were really turning around for us. Until... .two weeks after he proposed... .he's on the kitchen floor crying saying he wont be a good husband or a good father... .and he thinks he made a mistake... .he should have proposed... .he misses this random ex girlfriend that he went out with for one week during high school (they were still friends) and he wonders what could have been between them blah blah... .and I of course with my fear of abandonment am all upset. So from like November 13-May of 14 we did this toxic dance of me being insecure and worried about him leaving and trying to communicate in reasonable ways, and him continuing to stonewall me... .which led to me melting down etc... .

Well in May of 14 is when things started getting better for me (but ultimately much worse for our relationship) We got in a big fight in May where he finally said give me the ring back, not gonna do this anymore... .and I pathetically begged and begged, and he finally gave in... .and I committed to no longer behave in the manner that I had been. I started taking therapy more seriously and I didn't want to lose him, so I decided no more acting out and I starting changing and getting healthier... .and Im happy to report that since May of 14, my self esteem and my emotional regulation have gotten way better.Now as for our relationship... .

In June of 14, he told me I couldn't come to father's day... .and when there was a "father-in-law's day" I'd be welcome to come. It hurt my feelings and I mentioned we were going to be married... .and he just gave me that stone cold look of death he always gives me, and basically told me to get over it and as normal I couldn't get even a small piece of compassion out of him. It upset me so bad, that I decided to leave. Because even though i had my fair share of issues in the relationship, I always apologized and never was intentionally seeming to be cold and despising the way he was. After a day a way I missed him too entirely much and I came home... .I tried to kiss him and tell him I really wanted to figure things out, and he wouldn't kiss me and told me he missed two of his ex's smiles (one of them being the girl he needed to see what could have been between them) I reminded him she had a boyfriend and he said "I know" like a jealous teenager.

We made it til the 4th of July of 2014. We went to my parents house and he was affectionate and smiley enough. Got in some stupid fight about something he said about my looks that I took the wrong way. Then we got home and he completely shut down and told me he wanted to leave... .and I said what about the way you just smiled and loved on me? And he said... ."I was just trying to find anything to like about you"

Then it was like time passed and he didn't even remember it anymore... .

We went on vacation together in Aug of 14. Had a really good time. So, things were fine in Sept and Oct... .and then in November we had a small fight and he blows up on me and he says, "IM NOT GETTING MARRIED, IM NOT HAVING KIDS, AND IM NOT GOING TO LIVE HERE FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE... .so either you be okay with that and be with me, or we need to figure this relationship out" The day before we had just looked at apartments. Then it was like that didn't happen and we started to get along really well again.

Then December rolls around and his family came to visit and things were going WONDERFUL. The best they had ever ever been. He was loving... .he was affectionate... .it was almost like he had mustered up some ability to empathize which I had hardly ever seen out of him. He decided we were getting married in Sept 2015 (didn't talk to me really just made the decision and announced it to his family)... .and we were laying in bed one morning and he rolls over and puts his arms around me and says "I love you so much, I'm so glad I stuck this out to see how much I love you." And I legit cried, because that was the nicest, sweetest, kindest, thing I had been waiting to hear out of him our entire relationship. He told me it was okay to buy a new car because he'd be there to help me pay for it... .

Jan 2015 I start a new semester (I'm in grad school)... .and I could tell he was being weird (his family went back across the country and I started school and I think loneliness and abandonment hit him)... .and then one weekend in January he starts raging at me telling me... ."I JUST NEED TO LEAVE YOU... .WHY WONT YOU LET ME LEAVE YOU" The last time I had begged was May of 2014... .and I never ever threatened to hurt myself so I have no idea why he felt like I was forcing him... .I reminded him of the sweet thing he said to me just a few weeks earlier about being so glad he stuck it out... .and he said he didn't remember saying that or that he'd be there to help me with the car. He took a shower and then asked me if I wanted to go to a family gathering... .I said no... .and he said okay... .do you want me to kiss you? What the heck... .And then he stayed out for two days without calling (had never done that before)... .came home and started sleeping on the couch... .and took our engagement of FB without talking to me... .later admitted "I was trying to poke at you... .and I thought we were winding down here"

He put in his 30 day notice Feb 1... .and we lived together for a month... .where not much was different. We had sex like normal and got a long really well... .I honestly wasnt even sure he was leaving... .he didn't pack anything or mention where he was going... .and then three days before Mar 1... .he's like "we need to talk (he seemed super sad and sheepish). He was like "Im gonna be moving out on Saturday" and then he starts crying... .and saying how the last month had been amazing because there was no pressure of the wedding (remember... .I backed off the wedding he was the one that declared it was back on). and he said he hoped we could still date maybe... .

He leaves... .and then the night he left he texted me and said GN sweet dreams (I thought we were broken up). He proceeded to do this every day... .said "I wish I could be there to shovel the driveway for you" and other things like that... .We saw each other after 3 weeks... .he asked me to be back together... .I said No... .but we could still see each other. Saw each other a few more times... .he went cold on me... .I sent him a long, nonblaming email... .to which he responded poorly saying he has no idea who he is or what he wants and that we shouldn't talk anymore... .(which previously during one of our meetups he had just said he wanted to become the man I needed and that he'd really like to get back and be on the way to getting married)... .we took a 3 week no talk break... .during which time he decided to quit his job... .and plan to move across the country with his family... .I saw him before he left and we had a lot of sex... .and until a month ago we had been in contact ever since.

In June we sorta just got back together... .and he IMMEDIATELY wanted to get married. He wanted me to fly out there and marry him in like August... .I was like woah no... .I had been through so much pain I wasn't ready to do all that again... .but he kept pushing and pushing and finally I agreed on April of 2016... .but this time was different he was helping me plan... .we actually had our engagement pictures scheduled among other things. I bought a flight out to see him and he was going to drive us back and move back in with me... .I actually confronted him about his hot cold... .told him I wasnt going to do it again... .told him how much it hurts when he turns into the mean and nasty person... .and how he's unreachable. He tells me he wont do that again, because he learned he needs me and if he ever did just ignore him because hes not in his right mind when hes saying that stuff... .I told him I was anxious about him switching on me again because of how loving he was in December... .and he would send me lengthy reassuring text messages... .at one point he even looked me in the eyes over skype and said "No more pain... .I promise" So what happened? That one week ex-girl from high school was going out there with her family for a wedding and they had previously while he and I were broken up had planned to meet up since he was moving out there... .he had promised me 7 ways to sunday that he had moved past the idea of her... .that he knew I was the one for him... .that nothing would come between us... .but he said if I didnt want him to meet up with her he wouldnt... .well... .me starting to feel more confident about myself... .i told him to go... .because I also wanted to trust and be less controlling... .and at one point before he went I said... ."What if she tells you she has feelings for you" and he said EVEN if she tells me shes in love with me I will tell her we are only friends... .and that ties will be cut if it cant work like that" He told me I was his perfect companion, the one for him... .blah blah. So he goes... .he calls me on the way home... .everything is fine... .he bought us a baby book for our future while he was with her... .Im thinking everything went okay... .He has a huge meltdown a few days later where he sorta turned into him old self but not totally... .I coached him and soothed him for like two hours over the phone... .and he finally came out of it (I could tell because his voice changed back to his sweet normal self)... .the next day hes all sweet and kind telling me Im the one... .we skyped and he said "goodnight I love you talk to you tomorrow and all kinds of other sweet little things we say to each other." I wake up to a text that he kissed her/made out with her and he knows I hate him blah blah... .

Part 2 (much shorter) Continued in thread reply.

[Tangy]

Part 2

we skype and he says... ."it wouldn't be emotionally healthy for him to stay with me after what he's done." He told me he can't move forward. And he seemed really angry with me... .I said... .are you MAD AT ME? And he said yes, "You get in the way of me living my life... .I can't just be me" to which I reminded him that he keeps asking me to marry him... .and he said because thats where we are. I asked him what it is about her and he said its just that she's new, so that's exciting, it's a less serious relationship, so that's relieving, and that he had fun with her when he spent time with her. He said they talked about being together while they were together... .and it hurts because we were knee deep in planning a wedding and he made a million promises that nothing would come between us... .and he told me he had been living in a delusion thinking he could do this... .and that he isn't committed... .and that he did it because he's selfish... .I somehow remained calm through this whole thing (I guess Im used to his abuses)... .and by the end I finally just said, the last three years, have been the worst in my life... .dont contact me unless by email for our mutual bills... .and dont ever talk to me again... .and he said "I hope you can find someone who treats you a lot better than I have" and I hung up.

Outside of business emails I havent talked to him since... .About two weeks ago he sent me an email as if nothing had happened about a concert we went to together... .that they were putting out a recording of it and possibly a physical release... .and he was like... .":)ont know if you have seen this... .hope you enjoy" Like What the heck... .why are you acting like you didn't just destroy me emotionally AGAIN? I didnt reply to the email. And I had asked him to get me off the cell phone plan when this first happened... .and its been a month... .and guess what... .still on the plan havent heard anything... .

So he moved back here last week... .and I guess is with that girl now... .I have a very full life and a lot of loving and supportive friends and family (including some of his)... .but Im legit missing him so bad... .because when he is in his nice personality... .loving... .kind... .he is exactly what I want... .but obviously I cant keep taking the other part of the package where he just changes with no warning and I cant figure out the trigger... .I guess right now the biggest thing Im afraid of is that he'll be different for her... .and that he doesn't miss me or care about me... .and I feel ashamed/humiliated that after I got healthier and stopped outwardly raging that I continued to take terrible/abusive behavior/Push Pull dynamics. And I feel pathetic wishing he'd come back even though I dont want to take him back... .Im just so sad and humiliated he picked her... .

[JohnLove]

Hello Tangy and welcome to this site. I read your entire post. I feel for your situation. The triggers can sometimes be very difficult to uncover. It can take enormous effort.

He sounds BPD to the unqualified expert. You have also discussed your feelings in depth. Many "normal" people have BPD traits. I know I do. That doesn't mean I qualify for a diagnosis but I know I have some work to do on myself.

I can't emphasis the tools on this site enough. If you want to continue to pursue a relationship with him you will need to become very conversant with these tools in order to provide any sense of stability.

The unpredictability of it all is what I have the most trouble with. I can see that you have been on the recieving end of similar blindsiding and emotional sucker punching. It is abuse to be sure.

It's wonderful. It's bad. It's amazing. It's disappointing. It seems like everything you need. Then it's not what you want. It really is treating your emotional health like a rag doll. I am glad you were able to step back and regain your peace.

I have no specific advice. Do you have any questions that you would like help with?... .

[Tangy]

Thank you JohnLove. I appreciate you taking the time to read my loonng intro . I'm not sure about a relationship with him. We're over 30 days NC and like I said I think he is with the new girl now. While I am very patient and know he's a hurting little boy underneath it all... .I'm not sure I could/would want to live my life like this. I have gotten therapy and invested in myself to grow and change. He has always said he doesn't need help and because I am a therapist in training he would say he didn't need one because he has me (which I obviously am not okay with) He said he knows me and I can help him better than anyone. The only way I could consider an rship with him is if he got some help on his own and we had some serious time apart... .but honestly... .theres a larger part of me that would just like to move on. I am in my late 20s and he is about to be 24. I really want to have a family and while I still have about 10 years to have a child, I'd rather just find a healthy relationship from the start with someone that doesnt need a bunch of therapy. If I felt like he'd be committed it'd be another story... .but that's all hypothetical anyway as right now we're not even in contact.

This last time around he said things like "I really get him, and I'm so full of love (meaning me)" and things he'd never even said in even in the beginning idealization. He also made not so positive comments like "you're dumb... .because you're with me" It was weird because he doesn't usually put himself down.

So do I have any questions?

I guess primarily... .do you think the way I behaved in the beginning with my meltdowns and whatnot caused him to have such a hard time seeing good in me. I'm just so scared since the new girl gets a blank slate that it will work out for them? But on the flip side... .this last go around we didn't even have one fight... .so it's like I don't even know what triggered this last episode (other than his own shame over cheating)

Also... .do you think he will try to come back based on what I type? Or is it just too unpredictable to have any idea?

Also I noticed someone referred to "staying tools" what are those and where are they and is there a link to the abbreviations (i.e. pwBPD (obviously I know what BPD is )).

[rotiroti]

Hi there Tangy 

I want to join JohnLove in welcoming you here and to thank you for sharing your story.

Where do I start except to say, WOW!

What really stood out for me in your story is the amount of patience and insight you have. You admitted you had BPD like traits, but what I see is someone who recognized that and worked to overcome it with therapy. Why couldn't you hold a romantic partner to the same standard you set for yourself? Wouldn't you agree that if you are capable of giving love, that you should also receive it?

I also want to ask you, what does an ideal r/s look like to you?

It's really evident from your second post that you want to start a family and it sounds like you know this r/s wouldn't be able to provide that. Ever.



lastly,

why would he be different with his new partner? You saw how he did not change nor stopped being triggered... .how many times? 1... 2... .3... 4... .i think I just counted 7 times in your introduction.

-------

pwBPD = person/partner with BPD

Many of the tools are to the right of the page -----------> really handy! They're also the stickied post under each subforum on here (staying, improving, leaving, etc)

[Tangy]

Hi there Tangy 

I want to join JohnLove in welcoming you here and to thank you for sharing your story.

Where do I start except to say, WOW!

What really stood out for me in your story is the amount of patience and insight you have. You admitted you had BPD like traits, but what I see is someone who recognized that and worked to overcome it with therapy. Why couldn't you hold a romantic partner to the same standard you set for yourself? Wouldn't you agree that if you are capable of giving love, that you should also receive it?

I also want to ask you, what does an ideal r/s look like to you?

It's really evident from your second post that you want to start a family and it sounds like you know this r/s wouldn't be able to provide that. Ever.



lastly,

why would he be different with his new partner? You saw how he did not change nor stopped being triggered... .how many times? 1... 2... .3... 4... .i think I just counted 7 times in your introduction.

-------

pwBPD = person/partner with BPD

Many of the tools are to the right of the page -----------> really handy! They're also the stickied post under each subforum on here (staying, improving, leaving, etc)

Thank you for your reply and for your help with my questions about tools etc...

I think the amount of insight comes from putting everything in my life on hold and investing everything into fixing the relationship (which luckily for me included also me getting help... .so it wasn't a total loss ). I had counseling this morning and my therapist asked me what good came out of the relationship... .and I said... "I've learned to value friendships and other relationships and I know who I am now" which is HUGE. Literally I am transformed as a person since we began dating over 3 years ago. Now, I'm just dealing with the abandonment pain and the nonrational fears that he's going to be superhusband to her.

For me, an ideal relationship is what we had during the good times (innocent fun, our own special connection, and great sex) BUT... .with the added adult element that we didn't have, which was trust, communication, and consistency. We got little windows into those things, but not as much as I had hoped. It never felt like a partnership... .which as you noted... .is part of the reason we couldnt be a family together. It never bothered me that I am getting ready to graduate with my Master's and he has a HS diploma. I didn't care. But I realize now his lack of identity and self efficacy to complete what he would like in college is what was causing the problem. No matter how much I was okay with him working an job he wanted... .he wasn't okay and felt inferior and that was creating the problem.

And why do I think it would be different? I don't know... .I guess its the final frontier (hehe) so to speak about my emotional difficulty. Its like Im scared Im the crazy one and he was super healthy and it was me that caused this and now they are going to ride off into the sunset together for ever and they are going to have the marriage I was fighting for. My rational brain knows this is ridiculous but its like it is embedded deep in my subconscious... .Its very torturing and I hate it. Definitely need to work on changing some beliefs in that arena.

[rotiroti]

You know what? There's nothing wrong with being a romantic - to want that sunset ending for ourselves. I mean, who doesn't want to feel loved and happy? But that's exactly what it is, with attraction it's easy to confuse intensity with intimacy, and it's something that I was very prone to during my relationship.

Or maybe I should be asking, how much are you willing to tolerate to have that? I think it's a fair question to ask everyone here on the staying or leaving board.

I'm not talking temporary problems here, I mean life-long issues. I truly believe that none of these things are worth it if you are looking for a partner to discover life's mysteries with. Take this with a grain of salt as I come from the 'leaving' side of these forums.

"I've learned to value friendships and other relationships and I know who I am now" which is HUGE.

That ~IS~ huge. Way to go Tangy! Realizing that you can be kind and loving while having boundaries was also a huge breakthrough for me.

For me, an ideal relationship is what we had during the good times (innocent fun, our own special connection, and great sex) BUT... .with the added adult element that we didn't have, which was trust, communication, and consistency. We got little windows into those things, but not as much as I had hoped. It never felt like a partnership.

If you go over to the staying board, the tools there for effective communication will be extremely handy if you choose to recycle. With effective communication, it's possible to add consistency to the dynamic to some degree... .a r/s with a pwBPD is truly a life style - you will have to be the one to adjust to make things work.

also final frontier reference. Thanks for that!

[Tangy]

I guess one thing I'm a little confused about is how my post got put in the staying or leaving thread? I don't remember choosing that... .I'm wondering if it's because when I signed up I said we had been broken up for 1-3 months.

But to answer your question, what am I willing to put up with? Not this. I think had I chosen what thread to put this in I would have put it in the leaving thread. I remember times he and I would go on vacation and we would be in the car peacefully driving along, no fighting, pointing out the scenery playing the car game (we'd each choose a car, and then whoever saw the most of that car would win) and I'm tearing up talking about it... .because those were the times I loved. That is what I wanted. To me, that was enough. That was simplicity and happiness... .but for him it wasn't enough. There was always some reason that our relationship wasn't good enough, or some old girlfriend he needed to experiment with (like he is now), or some random abstract what if fear... .One of his favorites "you're just gonna use me to help pay off your student loans and then you'll leave me." I never had any intentions to do anything like that. I loved him with my entire being.

But my point being, I'm sure somewhere out there I can find another guy that will enjoy simple happy calm things, and will be content with it. I need to find a better match for me. Someone who has done a lot of inner work, has life direction and meaning, and therefore can stand the peace... .they don't need disruptions and drama to feel alive. It's funny because he would say he just wants peace and calm, but he's always the one (for the last 1.5 years of our relationship) creating the drama. But he can't see it. I guess once things go down hill with this new girl he will see. I am comfortable with the idea of being with someone else.

I am sort of a sensitive person so I'm concerned I couldn't live my whole life with him doing stuff like this because it wears on my whole body. My mom has really bad fibromyalgia and I don't want to end up creating a similar circumstance for myself. I'd rather get on with my life while still in my 20s even though I love him entirely.

And yes I was watching TNG last night ... .

[rotiroti]

One of the biggest challenges for me was trying to forget my ex-fiancee entirely. In the wake of the hurt I was trying to suppress the memories and just move on. I realized later on that it's important NOT to discredit the love we experienced. How else could I keep from making the same mistake in the future?

Plus, all of those warm and fuzzy memories of love? That's for ours to keep forever and no one take that away from us.

Another poster here (gameover) sent me the following recently: "I personally believe that love is irreducible--you can't take it back or negate its existence.  You can ignore it, deny it, even forget it, but love just is." I love that. It's like the lovely memory you mentioned about the road trip - I have many similar memories and it reminds me that I am able to love completely. A useful insight as I am moving onto the next phases in life.

But my point being, I'm sure somewhere out there I can find another guy that will enjoy simple happy calm things, and will be content with it.

Absolutely, you can put future partners to the same standard you put yourself to. And that's not the only option either; single, married, dating, they can all be happy choices.

I am sort of a sensitive person so I'm concerned I couldn't live my whole life with him doing stuff like this because it wears on my whole body. My mom has really bad fibromyalgia and I don't want to end up creating a similar circumstance for myself. I'd rather get on with my life while still in my 20s even though I love him entirely.

Being sensitive can be a great strength in life, it's good to be in-tune with the world... .but you are right, it can be a deadly combination with a pwBPD. Do you know what your MBTI is by chance? INFP?

But to answer your question, what am I willing to put up with? Not this. I think had I chosen what thread to put this in I would have put it in the leaving thread.

And yes I was watching TNG last night ... .

I'll see you over on the leaving boards... ."make it so"

[Tangy]

One of the biggest challenges for me was trying to forget my ex-fiancee entirely. In the wake of the hurt I was trying to suppress the memories and just move on. I realized later on that it's important NOT to discredit the love we experienced. How else could I keep from making the same mistake in the future?

Plus, all of those warm and fuzzy memories of love? That's for ours to keep forever and no one take that away from us.

Yes, his sister has tried to remind me of this. That the deep love I felt was real and that no one can take that away from me. Im sitting here crying because just thinking about fall... .I'm so sad... .I was so looking forward to spending it with him, and he told me he was too. I miss waking up and making breakfast for us and him wrapping his arms around me and telling me he loved me and kissing me.  And knowing that he did... .but that he can't ever just stay in that place. I feel like someone has died  My belief, my hope that if I could just be a better person that he would change. That was all the hope I had that I had some control. And now, now that I see that I have none, I'm grieving so hard... .but in a way its relieving because I don't feel in denial anymore as much as it hurts.

Another poster here (gameover) sent me the following recently: "I personally believe that love is irreducible--you can't take it back or negate its existence.  You can ignore it, deny it, even forget it, but love just is." I love that. It's like the lovely memory you mentioned about the road trip - I have many similar memories and it reminds me that I am able to love completely. A useful insight as I am moving onto the next phases in life.

Yes that quote is very nice and I think I will hold on to it, thank you.

Being sensitive can be a great strength in life, it's good to be in-tune with the world... .but you are right, it can be a deadly combination with a pwBPD. Do you know what your MBTI is by chance? INFP?

I am an ISFJ (at least when I took it for my grad assessment class) but I think when I took it I was so rational and in my head because I never knew how to trust my gut (I took it in the midst of this chaotic relationship) that I think if I took it again I would get INFJ (My J was OFFFF the charts so I doubt that would change)

I'll see you over on the leaving boards... ."make it so"

I see what you did there

[rotiroti]

Got it, I figured you for an INF/INS from your writing, lots of self-awareness/sensitivity and that's a great thing for building immense inner-strength from. It might not sound like the truth right now, but I read lots of strength and determination in your writing - and history of self-improvement. An encouraging combination!

Yes, his sister has tried to remind me of this. That the deep love I felt was real and that no one can take that away from me. Im sitting here crying because just thinking about fall... .I'm so sad... .I was so looking forward to spending it with him, and he told me he was too. I miss waking up and making breakfast for us and him wrapping his arms around me and telling me he loved me and kissing me. sad And knowing that he did... .but that he can't ever just stay in that place. I feel like someone has died sad My belief, my hope that if I could just be a better person that he would change. That was all the hope I had that I had some control. And now, now that I see that I have none, I'm grieving so hard... .but in a way its relieving because I don't feel in denial anymore as much as it hurts.

What else can the non's do when you can't get 'normal' closure from someone afflicted with BPD? It's really important for us to find closure from within and the first steps is to grieve for the loss of the relationship. The poster fromheel2heal usually write really good advice on the leaving board. That poster helped me transition from grieving to letting go of that last sliver of hope... .and reminded me that recovery is a non-linear process. Sometimes you'll feel like the first day of the break-up, but I can promise you that time really does heal all wounds.

You mentioned having seen a T before, are you still working with him or her?

[Tangy]

Got it, I figured you for an INF/INS from your writing, lots of self-awareness/sensitivity and that's a great thing for building immense inner-strength from. It might not sound like the truth right now, but I read lots of strength and determination in your writing - and history of self-improvement. An encouraging combination!

I have been studying relationships since like age 12. It's funny because my parents were all alcoholics and abusive in different ways and divorced (so I had 4 parents). And I promised myself I'd never grow up and repeat the pattern... .but I didn't know I was going to grow up and date individuals with issues that didn't surround alcohol. So, as much as I tried it didn't work. But I feel hopeful because I'm in my late 20s and now I think I realize My OWN patterns . Kinda that FOO stuff we were talking about on the other thread.

What else can the non's do when you can't get 'normal' closure from someone afflicted with BPD? It's really important for us to find closure from within and the first steps is to grieve for the loss of the relationship. The poster fromheel2heal usually write really good advice on the leaving board. That poster helped me transition from grieving to letting go of that last sliver of hope... .and reminded me that recovery is a non-linear process. Sometimes you'll feel like the first day of the break-up, but I can promise you that time really does heal all wounds.

You mentioned having seen a T before, are you still working with him or her?

I will look out for their posts. I am seeing my T weekly right now. I always look forward to it. How about you?

[rotiroti]

I have been studying relationships since like age 12. It's funny because my parents were all alcoholics and abusive in different ways and divorced (so I had 4 parents). And I promised myself I'd never grow up and repeat the pattern... .but I didn't know I was going to grow up and date individuals with issues that didn't surround alcohol. So, as much as I tried it didn't work. But I feel hopeful because I'm in my late 20s and now I think I realize My OWN patterns smiley. Kinda that FOO stuff we were talking about on the other thread.

you know that's awesome! Think of all the kindness and insight you will pass along to YOUR clients in the future. All of this experience lead me to finally seeking out a T and it's been extremely cathartic. I love that I can talk about anything and feel safe.

You mentioned being sensitive - i think with you, it overlaps with a sense of empathy. You're going to be a great in your field tangy!

I will look out for their posts. I am seeing my T weekly right now. I always look forward to it. How about you?

Excellent, I think it says lots about people being able to admit short-comings and to be able to be vulnerable with a therapist. As mentioned above, this experience lead me to seeking a T for the first time in my life and I don't regret a bit! Even at 30, I feel like I have a new lease on life... .and it's refreshing to realize that there is still endless things to learn about life's mysteries (as corny as it sounds, i truly believe it!)