Help with Ex whBPD

[VIDEO: "What is parental alienation?"]

 Hey all. This is my first post. I've only recently learned about BPD in the past few months. I came searching for answers (Closure) for an ex that I'm sure has it unknowingly. For the most part the articles related to it have given me all the answers I was looking for.

Some back ground on my ex and I.

First she's been diagnosed with all sorts of things from PTSD, Bi-Polar, Agrogphobia, all types of insecurities and eating disorders.(self mutilation)

She has all the criteria for BPD except for the outburst of anger. She's more of the passive aggressive type. Shes also not the brightest kid on the block and so she's not as manipulative as some other people. I also think she's still sweeter than some after looking back.

We dated for three years and for the most part it went very good. The honey moon phase lasted years for her and only about six months for me.

About five months ago we were hitting some rough bumps because she was committing around the house. I wasn't as motivated as I usually was, and these tiny little problems just started adding up over time. I could tell she was a little bit unhappy and I definitely consider myself great at reading people.

So one night I got fed up of getting no where so I did the whole, "Maybe we should break up" deal for the first time ever... .We fought a bit and she ended up calling her Grandma and asking what she should do. She came back crying and we made up, and we were as close as we've ever been. We were good when we went to bed. Little did I know that would be the last night I would spend with the girl I loved.

However the next morning? She was cold, distant, and definitely not happy. Almost numb... .I didn't think to much about it but our slipping just turned into a free fall, basically.

Looking back I now realize my mistake. I triggered the fear of abandonment and then dealt with her behavior like she was normal. Everything I did was a mistake, and I realize I only pushed her further away.

Anyways she had so much contempt for me at times during the three weeks after. I would buy gifts; write notes, buy chocolates and take her out - hoping for her to forgive me for what ever it is I did.(She didn't know either. She has no emotional intelligence, sadly)

Nothing worked. She would say she wanted to stay with me but I wasn't feeling that at all. They were definitely lies... .What she said and how she acted were two different things.

Anyways we agreed to some boundaries while she waited to move out in two months. We would try to make it work while she lived with me and if it didn't - it was okay. However she started doing things intentionally to get under my skin, and then give me the knowing smile and say, "What am I doing?"

Eventually she started confusing my boundaries with control. I was her enemy, basically. The look in her eyes told me enough to know that some how I was a threat to her. Even though I treated her like a princess.

So I asked her to leave, knowing she had thousands of dollars saved up. We were becoming toxic to each other and it definitely was getting very bad very quick. I'll admit I became crazy during this time a bit; and definitely made some mistakes with how I reacted to the situation. I should've remained aloof and played it cool. But I didn't.

So she moved out about four months ago. We've had very little contact since. My mistakes I made during this time were even bigger - I wanted closure, and would ask her if she ever knew what I did in the first place to piss her off so badly. (I only found out on my own after reading about BPD) I mean, it was so alien that someone could change so dramatically in such a short time. Her whole personality changed too... .With me she was a sweet girl, and now she's a want to be thug who only cares about money.

Anyways during this time away any texts I sent were twisted. I could say something nice and it would be totally twisted into something mean. Sometimes a whole message would be twisted into something completely different. It was very odd to me at the time that someone could misinterpret something so badly. Especially because I would write long texts and make everything very clear.

She would talk but it was about tiny little things like how she was clubbing or drinking. How she was having so much fun.  I would just reply, "I really won't get into a pissing match on who's life is better", so I would try to talk about even bigger issues. Then she would shut down entirely and give me the ST.

Anyways I'll admit I pushed her away.

  The biggest problem for me is this. Any time I would bring up the move and actual separation - she would ignore it or talk about something else. This is my problem currently. You see when she didn't grab anything when she left... .Just a few bags full of clothes. We never actually talked about what to do with the cat, or the items we share. She left 90% of her things.

After the first few weeks  I made it clear she could not keep it here. I didn't want to see it because it just made the whole process of moving on so much worse for me. But she's deliberately left it here, and has made NO effort to get it. Which is odd because she's a very materialistic person and hates when people touch her things.

I've been nice about it. I've been mean about it. I've even been annoying about it. I've tried everything short of going to her job and dropping it off. I've even offered to bring it TO her.

I have tried over and over again to get her to come get it because I don't want to be the ass and chuck it out on her. She's already telling people that I kicked her out because I was a control freak who was emotionally abusive which is so far from the truth it's not even funny. It amazes me that I was probably the most understanding and sympathetic man I could be - and she's twisting my intentions.

Now she's saying it's my fault I have her things. That she's tried getting it.

Anyways I stopped trying to get through to her for a few weeks

Anyone deal with this type of situation? I cannot for the life of me understand it.

I feel like she's trying to tie me down. She's scared of confrontation and she is also afraid to let go... .I think now she's absolutely terrified of me for what ever reason. Like she has it built up to some horrific event.

I have already let her know that I will not speak or attempt to see her once she gets it. That I will become "like a ghost", and don't contact me unless something dire is happening.

I do care for her still. I worry about her and I feel responsible for her. She's young, and I brought her here far from her family. She is definitely vulnerable, naive, and has all sorts of emotional problems and I can't help but feel the need to protect her. It's why I loved her in the first place - I wanted to show her not every guy is just out to screw her, and won't bounce on a dime. Funny how it turned out, because that's all she believes I did now. We had a very good time together and although that's gone - I still wish for her to at least be okay. I do not care if she's with me or with someone else. Just for her to be happy.

Anyways... .Is there anything I can do about this and any ideas on why? I've tried contacting her about it over and over but she totally puts it off. I've told her how I felt. I've done everything, but I can't wait any longer.

I have a new GF I met and I cannot have my exes possessions here when I bring her over. I think five months was more than enough time.

(PS - if your advice is to throw it out then don't even bother replying. I appreciate the time you took to read this post. However,  I don't need advice on how to be an ass.  I think I've done that enough)

[ScorpioLaw]

 Hey all. This is my first post. I've only recently learned about BPD in the past few months. I came searching for answers (Closure) for an ex that I'm sure has it unknowingly. For the most part the articles related to it have given me all the answers I was looking for.

Some back ground on my ex and I.

First she's been diagnosed with all sorts of things from PTSD, Bi-Polar, Agrogphobia, all types of insecurities and eating disorders.(self mutilation)

She has all the criteria for BPD except for the outburst of anger. She's more of the passive aggressive type. Shes also not the brightest kid on the block and so she's not as manipulative as some other people. I also think she's still sweeter than some after looking back.

We dated for three years and for the most part it went very good. The honey moon phase lasted years for her and only about six months for me.

About five months ago we were hitting some rough bumps because she was committing around the house. I wasn't as motivated as I usually was, and these tiny little problems just started adding up over time. I could tell she was a little bit unhappy and I definitely consider myself great at reading people.

So one night I got fed up of getting no where so I did the whole, "Maybe we should break up" deal for the first time ever... .We fought a bit and she ended up calling her Grandma and asking what she should do. She came back crying and we made up, and we were as close as we've ever been. We were good when we went to bed. Little did I know that would be the last night I would spend with the girl I loved.

However the next morning? She was cold, distant, and definitely not happy. Almost numb... .I didn't think to much about it but our slipping just turned into a free fall, basically.

Looking back I now realize my mistake. I triggered the fear of abandonment and then dealt with her behavior like she was normal. Everything I did was a mistake, and I realize I only pushed her further away.

Anyways she had so much contempt for me at times during the three weeks after. I would buy gifts; write notes, buy chocolates and take her out - hoping for her to forgive me for what ever it is I did.(She didn't know either. She has no emotional intelligence, sadly)

Nothing worked. She would say she wanted to stay with me but I wasn't feeling that at all. They were definitely lies... .What she said and how she acted were two different things.

Anyways we agreed to some boundaries while she waited to move out in two months. We would try to make it work while she lived with me and if it didn't - it was okay. However she started doing things intentionally to get under my skin, and then give me the knowing smile and say, "What am I doing?"

Eventually she started confusing my boundaries with control. I was her enemy, basically. The look in her eyes told me enough to know that some how I was a threat to her. Even though I treated her like a princess.

So I asked her to leave, knowing she had thousands of dollars saved up. We were becoming toxic to each other and it definitely was getting very bad very quick. I'll admit I became crazy during this time a bit; and definitely made some mistakes with how I reacted to the situation. I should've remained aloof and played it cool. But I didn't.

So she moved out about four months ago. We've had very little contact since. My mistakes I made during this time were even bigger - I wanted closure, and would ask her if she ever knew what I did in the first place to piss her off so badly. (I only found out on my own after reading about BPD) I mean, it was so alien that someone could change so dramatically in such a short time. Her whole personality changed too... .With me she was a sweet girl, and now she's a want to be thug who only cares about money.

Anyways during this time away any texts I sent were twisted. I could say something nice and it would be totally twisted into something mean. Sometimes a whole message would be twisted into something completely different. It was very odd to me at the time that someone could misinterpret something so badly. Especially because I would write long texts and make everything very clear.

She would talk but it was about tiny little things like how she was clubbing or drinking. How she was having so much fun.  I would just reply, "I really won't get into a pissing match on who's life is better", so I would try to talk about even bigger issues. Then she would shut down entirely and give me the ST.

Anyways I'll admit I pushed her away.

  The biggest problem for me is this. Any time I would bring up the move and actual separation - she would ignore it or talk about something else. This is my problem currently. You see when she didn't grab anything when she left... .Just a few bags full of clothes. We never actually talked about what to do with the cat, or the items we share. She left 90% of her things.

After the first few weeks  I made it clear she could not keep it here. I didn't want to see it because it just made the whole process of moving on so much worse for me. But she's deliberately left it here, and has made NO effort to get it. Which is odd because she's a very materialistic person and hates when people touch her things.

I've been nice about it. I've been mean about it. I've even been annoying about it. I've tried everything short of going to her job and dropping it off. I've even offered to bring it TO her.

I have tried over and over again to get her to come get it because I don't want to be the ass and chuck it out on her. She's already telling people that I kicked her out because I was a control freak who was emotionally abusive which is so far from the truth it's not even funny. It amazes me that I was probably the most understanding and sympathetic man I could be - and she's twisting my intentions.

Now she's saying it's my fault I have her things. That she's tried getting it.

Anyways I stopped trying to get through to her for a few weeks

Anyone deal with this type of situation? I cannot for the life of me understand it.

I feel like she's trying to tie me down. She's scared of confrontation and she is also afraid to let go... .I think now she's absolutely terrified of me for what ever reason. Like she has it built up to some horrific event.

I have already let her know that I will not speak or attempt to see her once she gets it. That I will become "like a ghost", and don't contact me unless something dire is happening.

I do care for her still. I worry about her and I feel responsible for her. She's young, and I brought her here far from her family. She is definitely vulnerable, naive, and has all sorts of emotional problems and I can't help but feel the need to protect her. It's why I loved her in the first place - I wanted to show her not every guy is just out to screw her, and won't bounce on a dime. Funny how it turned out, because that's all she believes I did now. We had a very good time together and although that's gone - I still wish for her to at least be okay. I do not care if she's with me or with someone else. Just for her to be happy.

Anyways... .Is there anything I can do about this and any ideas on why? I've tried contacting her about it over and over but she totally puts it off. I've told her how I felt. I've done everything, but I can't wait any longer.

I have a new GF I met and I cannot have my exes possessions here when I bring her over. I think five months was more than enough time.

(PS - if your advice is to throw it out then don't even bother replying. I appreciate the time you took to read this post. However,  I don't need advice on how to be an ass.  I think I've done that enough)

[once removed]

"Anyone deal with this type of situation? I cannot for the life of me understand it."

yes, along with others. you may already realize the exchanging of things can trigger the sense of abandonment. it can often feel impossible getting it to happen. sometimes it is.

i went at it for a couple months. i wanted some things back but shed left tons of clothes and of some value. she kept making excuses, putting it off, telling me trust her she doesnt want to keep my stuff from me. told me to email her a list. i did, and with no reply i gave up.

you say its been five months, so disposing of the stuff at this point would not make you a bad guy, but if you dont want to do that, fair enough, there are other options. you might try renting a storage place for a month, and informing her youve done so, that she has a month to retrieve it, and after that point, you are not responsible.

there arent a lot of great options, but i hope this helps.

[SummerStorm]

Mine had trouble returning things when we were still in contact, so it was hell trying to get them back when we weren't, and I even had her boyfriend helping me.  Six weeks after she went NC, she mailed them to me.  She's getting ready to move with her boyfriend and wants to start therapy, so I think seeing my stuff triggered feelings of shame, and she sent it back.  

I'm with once removed.  Put it in storage for a month.  That's setting a boundary and a clear expectation.  The longer you keep it at your place, the more she will think that she can come back to you eventually.  

I agree with once removed.  This situation always sucks.  I've read all kinds of stories about people not getting their stuff back and about pwBPD never getting their stuff.  

My former friend's dad and stepmom kicked her out back in like February.  She wouldn't leave, so her stepmom threw all of her stuff in the yard.

[ScorpioLaw]

  One thing about this side of the board is that people will support you no matter what. Think of it like an AA meeting.

I do think if you're looking to advice then go back to the other board. This one is full of two types. With a few exceptions. Type ones are the people that might have been here for way to long. Type two are usually the ones who have just came out from a break up or are literally carrying a few personality disorders themselves. (Usually NPD!)

Type One, the Supporters. They will relate to you no matter what you say. I guess because they are so caught up on the articles that they forgot they are talking to normal people.  They will relate with and then come out with a couple questions that might be considered, "Mind!". (Also known as reverse psychology) They will say things that comfort you and make you sound normal no matter what.

 I'm sure you could say, "Argh! I want to kill this A-hole! With a kitchen knife!"

And they'll reply, "Hey "X" I'm "Z"! I know what you're going through! I hope your day is going swell =). It's quite alright to have murderous psychopathic rages because I've been there as well! Just remember the grass is always greener on the other side! Say? Why do you think you're having these episodes? Do you think it has to do with your past? You say, "I want to stab this person a milliOn times with a knife"... .What's your favorite knife? You don't happen to cook? I love cooking too and just got some nice German Steel knives I could show you!

Type Two, the Haters. They will tell you people with BPD are no better then murderous, psychopathic scums! These are the people who are prejudice on all accounts. They make the topics like,

"BPD evil geniuses who are out to get the world!"

Or, "How sadistic was your BPDex?"

And then they share stories about how evil these people are, and how they've done no wrongs at all. 99% don't even mention their wrongs, or the fact they even did anything wrong. (Ever )

Basically they'll boil down everyone's ex into a inhuman person with no empathy. Basically they confuse sociopaths with BPD.

Then you'll get advice like, "Your BF is no better than dirt". Just in a lot nicer words .

Anyways good luck finding the information you want!

[zundertowz]

I'll break you in.

One thing about this side of the board is that people will support you no matter what. Think of it like an AA meeting.

I do think if you're looking to advice then go back to the other board. This one is full of two types. With a few exceptions. Type ones are the people that might have been here for way to long. Type two are usually the ones who have just came out from a break up or are literally carrying a few personality disorders themselves. (Usually NPD!)

Type One, the Supporters. They will relate to you no matter what you say. I guess because they are so caught up on the articles that they forgot they are talking to normal people.  They will relate with and then come out with a couple questions that might be considered, "Mind!". (Also known as reverse psychology) They will say things that comfort you and make you sound normal no matter what.

  I'm sure you could say, "Argh! I want to kill this A-hole! With a kitchen knife!"

And they'll reply, "Hey "X" I'm "Z"! I know what you're going through! I hope your day is going swell =). It's quite alright to have murderous psychopathic rages because I've been there as well! Just remember the grass is always greener on the other side! Say? Why do you think you're having these episodes? Do you think it has to do with your past? You say, "I want to stab this person a milliOn times with a knife"... .What's your favorite knife? You don't happen to cook? I love cooking too and just got some nice German Steel knives I could show you!

Type Two, the Haters. They will tell you people with BPD are no better then murderous, psychopathic scums! These are the people who are prejudice on all accounts. They make the topics like,

"BPD evil geniuses who are out to get the world!"

Or, "How sadistic was your BPDex?"

And then they share stories about how evil these people are, and how they've done no wrongs at all. 99% don't even mention their wrongs, or the fact they even did anything wrong. (Ever )

Basically they'll boil down everyone's ex into a inhuman person with no empathy. Basically they confuse sociopaths with BPD.

Then you'll get advice like, "Your BF is no better than dirt". Just in a lot nicer words .

Anyways good luck finding the information you want!

There's also a third type... .the type who get's it when nobody else does

[Skip]

PS - if your advice is to throw it out then don't even bother replying. I appreciate the time you took to read this post. However,  I don't need advice on how to be an ass.  I think I've done that enough

Why not put her stuff in storage, with a six month prepay, and send her a key.

As for the cat - tell her she has 2 weeks to make arrangements or you will re-home the cat.

What brings you here ScorpioLaw - what unfinished emotional business do you have with this relationship?

[shatra]

Scorpio wrote

She would say she wanted to stay with me but I wasn't feeling that at all.

--Can you clarify the phrase "I wasn't feeling that" ? What does that mean?