How long did it take for them to try to contact you and why?

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

As the days go by since my break up with my exBPDgf (about 10 weeks and almost two months no contact) I'm wondering when and if she will ever contact me. While it's generally got better, I've missed her a lot the last couple of days (especially sexually) and have wondered how long it has taken for others to hear from their exes as I've got the impression its common and if anything in particular caused them to contact you?

I'm not sure I'd want to get back together but I could definetly do with some closure of what went wrong especially as we were so close beforehand and she was pretty reliant on me at points. I think I've made it clear that I won't contact her first.

[Corgicuddler95]

As the days go by since my break up with my exBPDgf (about 10 weeks and almost two months no contact) I'm wondering when and if she will ever contact me. While it's generally got better, I've missed her a lot the last couple of days (especially sexually) and have wondered how long it has taken for others to hear from their exes as I've got the impression its common and if anything in particular caused them to contact you?

I'm not sure I'd want to get back together but I could definetly do with some closure of what went wrong especially as we were so close beforehand and she was pretty reliant on me at points. I think I've made it clear that I won't contact her first.

[Schermarhorn]

After we broke up the last time, a month later her new bf texted me making sure she will be safe.

When they broke up a week later, she sent me an apology text.

A few weeks after that, she started texting me from new numbers. We talked for 2 weeks and she kept playing a guilt trip, then she said we should not talk anymore.

[Pretty Woman]

Mine always contacted me eventually. Now I realize she was silent while "looking". When there was nothing better she'd re-engage.

This time she has a live-one. I haven't heard a thing in three months. So not normal when ending a 3yr relationship. Then again this wasn't a normal relationship.

I do wonder if she will ever re-engage. As days go by, I wonder less.  My life is calm without her. She used to say I was overdramatic and my life was so chaotic.

This is the calmest I've been in my life and I am exactly the same as I was with her. She is the denominator that put me on edge.

[greenmonkey]

Mine has never stopped trying to re-engage - she is getting increasingly desperate - my email got deleted, blocked on my phone, FB on lock down, blocked on LinkedIn.

Neither of her replacements worked out in nearly a year - so she is now trying to find a new supply whilst desperately trying to re-engage me.

[balletomane]

I have been NC for just over three months. He hasn't tried to talk to me in that time. I have a feeling he will one day. I want him to, but I don't know why.

[hopealways]

In 3 1/2 years mine has left me over 20 times, but always re-initiated within 4-6 weeks. Once when I totally blocked her it took 8 weeks for her to figure out how to reach me. It has now been almost 7 weeks.  We all do wonder when they will reconnect even though we know how bad it is for us if they do. But it is best if we share these ponderings on this site rather than break NC with the BPD

[Corgicuddler95]

I have been NC for just over three months. He hasn't tried to talk to me in that time. I have a feeling he will one day. I want him to, but I don't know why.

I think that sums up how I feel pretty well (though I know I'll probably see her soon). I'm not sure how I'd react to whatever she would say but this silence and feeling that I never meant anything is killing me.

[kelligirl]

He has gone the longest tie now with NC... .It had been 4 weeks before, but now we are up to the 8 week mark and I got a little desperate and called him at work. I also sent some texts telling him I loved him and missed him. I know, bad move... .but you know, I actually had to get it out in order to successfully move on. I resolved that I deserve better and healthier love. I am worth it... Yes, I have taken to the bed in my despair, cried and felt like a "throw away"... .but I have hope that I will meet the right friends, and maybe potentially new love of my life... .How about his family is not returning my calls or texts either... I just sent a generic text to his sister, and she never replied either. You know what ? I believe that they are not happy people, they only have conditional and marginal love to give... .and I want so much more than that. I do not plan on returning to the relationship. I put away all his stuff and stuff that his family gave to me... .and I feel good about myself. Who do they think they are "dissing" me ? Anyway, my point is, it seemed I was taking a few steps back, but actually I believe that I was giving him one last chance to just be kind and return the love... .but I am out of here... .I will keep you posted on my progress as a person and my emotional growth as my scars heal... He will never find a more beautiful soul than mine... .I know my worth, and I value myself way to much. Thank you Lord for moving my thoughts, actions and desires to want better for myself... .Be well and keep your spirits high everyone... .

[Infern0]

Any amount of time up to 5 weeks.  It had to be mentioned she's not found "secure supply" during the time I've known her. If she did I expect it'd take a lot longer.

She usually either comes back if she's low on supply  (fallen out with her friends etc) or needs a favor of some kind. 

[Corgicuddler95]

So I get the impression from most of these replies that 2 months of no contact is a longer time that usual (she did message me once but just because she needed a number, she didn't ask me how I was or anything). Should I assume she's moved on?

However I will likely see her at some point this month in person at a social event. Might that trigger her to try contacting me after seeing me again?

[balletomane]

I have been NC for just over three months. He hasn't tried to talk to me in that time. I have a feeling he will one day. I want him to, but I don't know why.

I think that sums up how I feel pretty well (though I know I'll probably see her soon). I'm not sure how I'd react to whatever she would say but this silence and feeling that I never meant anything is killing me.

Reflecting on it, I think the reason why I want him to get back in touch is that we were genuinely good friends before we became a couple and I still can't believe I was foolish enough to lose that by getting into a relationship that I knew from his romantic history was likely to fail. I have to accept that I did lose that. I took a gamble, I lost the gamble.

Another reason is that I hate things to end messily and painfully - I would at least like to write a decent ending, one that has us both feeling OK. But if it were possible for him to do that our relationship would not have ended as it did in the first place, so I think this is an impossibility too.

And the third reason is that I want to feel like I mattered to him. I think I'm going to have to accept that I will never know the degree to which he really cared, and the need to know is something that I am just going to have to lay down. It is hard, but clinging to the hope that he will come back into my life even if briefly and somehow answer my expectations is preventing me from truly moving on. Rather than asking ourselves what they will do now, we should be asking ourselves what we will do now. It's scary and it's hard but we need to try.

[Infern0]

So I get the impression from most of these replies that 2 months of no contact is a longer time that usual (she did message me once but just because she needed a number, she didn't ask me how I was or anything). Should I assume she's moved on?

However I will likely see her at some point this month in person at a social event. Might that trigger her to try contacting me after seeing me again?

Some people get contacted after years,  it's unpredictable.  It's unhealthy to fixate on it though.

[shatra]

greenmonkey wrote

Mine has never stopped trying to re-engage - she is getting increasingly desperate - my email got deleted, blocked on my phone, FB on lock down, blocked on LinkedIn.

-----Do you mean she blocked you? On your phone and your linkedin?  How would that re-engage you? Or was she trying to get your attention and prevent you from using your own phone and fbook?

[FlSunshineGirl]

This last time it took 45 days for him to break the NC. I had ended it (after over 5 years of on and off) for good this last time.

He had been working on a replacement and as soon as I said goodbye he made his move with her. 45 days later they began having problems and he sent me an email. Then one week to the day after I didn't respond to that email he emailed me again. When I didn't respond and the replacement was done he found the replacement for the replacement.

I haven't heard from him since the beginning of April. He's still with the 2nd replacement but when that doesn't work out I wonder if I will hear from him again.

I decided this last time that I was done once and for all. It's up to me to stop the cycle.

I saw his pattern of running back to former relationships when we had issues and he wants to try to do the same with me.

Strangely, I was watching what he was doing with his Facebook profile during this time and it gave me huge insight into the way he thinks/behaves.

He posted things on FB about replacement 1 not working out and when it was over he switched one of his profile pics to a pic of a gift I had made him and the other profile pic was of a pic I had actually taken and sent him a while ago.

Then he changed it when talking to replacement 2. Then I think they had some falling out because he changed it back to my pics. Then he changed it to black. Then back to my pics then he deleted his Facebook altogether and from what I hear he's still with replacement #2.

I've learned he can't be alone. He will say or do whatever he needs to line up people so he is always with someone.

So I finally realized what he had told me about not knowing how to give or receive love was true. He always told me how much he "needed" me. 

His love is all about need for him to make it in this world. So once I realized this I was finally able to get the healing I needed. 

[FlSunshineGirl]

Occasionally I find myself almost hoping he will contact me again so I can remain NC. I think for me it's about feeling the need to take my power back that I gave way too much of to him over the course of the dysfunctional relationship we had. And the more he tries to contact and the more I stay NC the stronger it helps me to see that I am.

[once removed]

"contact" was not what i expected it to be, nor did it occur in the time frame i expected. after seven or eight months, while she was still in a relationship, i got a facebook friend request that she retracted after a few hours. sometime within a year later it happened again. around the one year break up mark, i saw her name on my caller id. that was the extent of it.

infern0 is right, theres really no telling when, if, how or why.

[saintgrey]

Well check out the old thread that was resurrected, after 6 years the pwBPD tried to make contact.

6 years !

[HappyNihilist]

Like Infern0 said, it's unpredictable, and it's not helpful to fixate on it.

But I fixated on it, too, when I was freshly out, so I understand.

In my case, the first contact was maybe 6-8 weeks out. It didn't last long, a simple text exchange.

Would anyone here like to place bets on whether or not it provided any sort of closure about what happened? Heck, I'll even lower the odds - would anyone like to place bets on whether it contained any acknowledgement whatsoever on his part that life might have been not so sunshiny for me as of late?

He said "hey, how are you" and I said something like I'm having a rough time, and he asked, "Why?" I just didn't even respond. He eventually said something, like he got it or understood or whatever, and I just... .I couldn't go there, I knew that I couldn't even try to have a conversation about our relationship because it would set off a geyser of anger and betrayal and devastation gushing out of me. We chatted for a few minutes about video games and mutual coworkers. He said he missed me, and I said I missed him, and that was pretty much that.

It threw me for an emotional loop, made me feel both better and worse - better that he sort of seemed to care how I was doing, worse because he didn't seem to care that much, and once again I was triggered and feeling rejected and worthless.

But it would have thrown me for an even bigger emotional loop and setback if he'd approached it as a reconciliation attempt. So in the end, it wasn't too bad.

Everyone's an individual, including pwBPD. Just because they display similar patterns doesn't mean there's a handy BPD-to-NonBPD Translator.

Also, it helps to remember that contact usually doesn't turn out quite like we might hope... . 

[greenmonkey]

greenmonkey wrote

Mine has never stopped trying to re-engage - she is getting increasingly desperate - my email got deleted, blocked on my phone, FB on lock down, blocked on LinkedIn.

-----Do you mean she blocked you? On your phone and your linkedin?  How would that re-engage you? Or was she trying to get your attention and prevent you from using your own phone and fbook?

She is blocked on my phone, LinkedIn everything. She has been trying for 10 months to try and re-engage and get my attention now resorting other means

[LostGhost]

To be honest, in my experience they only reach out to you if they need supply at that moment. They might not even be looking for long term supply. Maybe your replacement is at work, or at the store, or out buying your ex presents so they need a quick 10 minute supply from you. If they're not hurting for supply, they're not going to contact you. Period. They are NOT interested in you or how you're doing, even if they preface their contact with those kind of questions. Their primary motivation is 100% about their need at that time.

[SummerStorm]

The first time was a month.  I was discarded on June 16th; on July 21st, I received a card from her in the mail.  She ended it by telling me never to contact her again.  I sent her a thank you, and we exchanged about three messages.  I was contacted that time because she was planning on moving across the country.

In between there, I contacted her in early August, the day before my birthday, and asked if I could e-mail her.  She said, "No."

Five days later, she texted me to tell me that she wasn't moving anymore and that she broke up with her boyfriend.  Then, a week later, she texted me to ask if she could live with me.  I said no, but we kept texting almost every day.  It was only a few messages at a time, and I didn't really get anything out of them.  The day after she told me that she was moving into a new apartment, she ignored me all day, before texting me to tell me that I'm crazy.

[FlSunshineGirl]

To be honest, in my experience they only reach out to you if they need supply at that moment. They might not even be looking for long term supply. Maybe your replacement is at work, or at the store, or out buying your ex presents so they need a quick 10 minute supply from you. If they're not hurting for supply, they're not going to contact you. Period. They are NOT interested in you or how you're doing, even if they preface their contact with those kind of questions. Their primary motivation is 100% about their need at that time.

That's exactly what I found to be true of mine as well.

[JRT]

12 months and counting... .not a peep.

[Tangy]

Mine always contacted me eventually. Now I realize she was silent while "looking". When there was nothing better she'd re-engage.

This time she has a live-one. I haven't heard a thing in three months. So not normal when ending a 3yr relationship. Then again this wasn't a normal relationship.

I do wonder if she will ever re-engage. As days go by, I wonder less.  My life is calm without her. She used to say I was overdramatic and my life was so chaotic.

This is the calmest I've been in my life and I am exactly the same as I was with her. She is the denominator that put me on edge.

Omg I've been feeling exactly the same way lately. I always felt so crazy and sometimes "psycho" and now he's gone... .and guess what... .I feel normal... .and there is no drama in my life!

[proust1986]

As the days go by since my break up with my exBPDgf (about 10 weeks and almost two months no contact) I'm wondering when and if she will ever contact me. While it's generally got better, I've missed her a lot the last couple of days (especially sexually) and have wondered how long it has taken for others to hear from their exes as I've got the impression its common and if anything in particular caused them to contact you?

I'm not sure I'd want to get back together but I could definetly do with some closure of what went wrong especially as we were so close beforehand and she was pretty reliant on me at points. I think I've made it clear that I won't contact her first.

If you know anything about her past relationships, then you'll have a good idea of when/if she'll try to contact you again. Mine had a pattern of discarding and never looking back and that's what she ultimately did to me about a year ago now. I've even had to see her on an almost daily basis for about eight of the last eleven months, but I just don't exist to her when I'm in her presence.

[Corgicuddler95]

If you know anything about her past relationships, then you'll have a good idea of when/if she'll try to contact you again. Mine had a pattern of discarding and never looking back and that's what she ultimately did to me about a year ago now. I've even had to see her on an almost daily basis for about eight of the last eleven months, but I just don't exist to her when I'm in her presence.

Well she only had 1 relationship before me when she was like 15, apparently it wasn't very good and only lasted a couple of months so I'm swimming in uncharted water. Two months now and not really anything, will end up likely seeing her in person by the end of the month which will be... .Interesting

[Polis_Ohio]

I'm not sure if my soon to be ex-wife actually has BPD, although my therapist is sure she exhibits signs, but she contacted me frequently after a few weeks asking me to be there for her for emotional support all while running off with another guy who rejected her and trying to find new guys. Meanwhile she tells me she misses me and is not sure if she loves me.

She lashed out at me very painfully during this process, leading me on then pushing me away, now we do not talk. We are finishing our paperwork this week and she has made me out to be the "bad guy" despite everything I have done for her and her son during this.

I am guessing once this current guy she thinks she is falling for, another one in 2 months, she will be depressed again reaching how. Maybe a month or two.

[JRT]

I'm not sure if my soon to be ex-wife actually has BPD, although my therapist is sure she exhibits signs, but she contacted me frequently after a few weeks asking me to be there for her for emotional support all while running off with another guy who rejected her and trying to find new guys. Meanwhile she tells me she misses me and is not sure if she loves me.

She lashed out at me very painfully during this process, leading me on then pushing me away, now we do not talk. We are finishing our paperwork this week and she has made me out to be the "bad guy" despite everything I have done for her and her son during this.

I am guessing once this current guy she thinks she is falling for, another one in 2 months, she will be depressed again reaching how. Maybe a month or two.

Seems typical BPD behavior from what you describe. Sorry that you are going through this.

[hibye]

When we broke up and went straight to the rebound she called me for about 3 weeks every day multiple times. Afterwards she started calling from uknown numbers but rarely while she moved in with him. One week ago i bumped into her, she changed sidewalk to come to talk to me... and i rejected her going to the other sidewalk. I would like to get a good closure some day but i think it would only make it worse... so i prefer staying NC which makes me feel that i respect and protect myself.