He snapped

[JadeIshka]

I'm sitting here wondering if I can type because my hands are shaking.

I posted recently about some nastiness directed at my BPDh by his older brother... .a bad dynamic that's been worsening over time. BPDh's brother basically treats him like sh*t or ignores him, and BPDh has started to really notice. He's really hurting right now and doesn't know what to do.

Tonight, in one small innocuous moment at Lowe's, over my desire to look at plants despite knowing that BPDh didn't want to, everything fell to pieces. It resulted in him shouting obscenities at me as we drove out of the parking lot, coupled with unsafe driving because he thought I was "pissed" at him (he used to do the unsafe driving to the extreme when he was angry, now he mostly hints that he can/will) left me shaken. The following argument, once we got home, was defined by victim thinking on his part (my asking him not to drive unsafely was an "accusation" and judgment of him, for instance).

I'm sad, angry, and want to lash out at my brother-in-law. This was a classic BPD episode, the likes of which has almost ruined our marriage numerous times (the last major one was in January, and it was over graph paper). This time, however, it was triggered by the nastiness of someone who has no CLUE how unstable BPDh can get... .nor how this instability can result in BPDh taking serious anger out on me. I don't know what to do.

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[Notwendy]

I know this must have been scary, especially in the car.

I will share my feelings about dealing with families. You have mentioned the brother as "HERO" so I think you are aware of the different roles siblings can play out in dysfunctional families. ( golden child, scapegoat... ). These families are by nature unstable, but the configuration of the different members serves as a way to stabilize them. It's not a healthy way, but it works within the family system. When this system is disrupted- either by someone from the outside, or a family member stepping out of their role, one reaction that can occur is anger ( at being disrupted, and a banding together to draw the straying family member in, or exclude to interrupting external person.

IMHO, if you confront the brother in law, the response many not work in the way you hope. You might be hoping the brother will "see the light" and come to your side, or realize that what he is doing is harmful and stop. Yet, it is possible that what the brother and your H are doing is interacting in a long term, attached way, and it works for them in some way.


Also, if you confront the brother, you are stepping in to a 3 way triangle as "rescuer" and this can get you on the drama triangle.

One approach is to see this issue as between you and your H. Your H is triggered ( by the bro, but it could be anything- a boss, a friend) and then is taking the behavior out on you. You are blaming the external reason, but the core of this is how he is treating you. He may be upset, but that is his upset to take care of. You can't control it on his end. In fact, his relationship with his brother is his responsibility, and he is capable of telling the brother himself that he doesn't like how he is treated. It is not your job to do this for him.

What you can do is establish boundaries about him taking anger out on you. If he does this again, call a cab. Remove yourself from the situation. You can do the same at home. If you ever feel in danger, you can call the cops. I am not kidding about this.

It is normal for a toddler to have a meltdown and a tantrum in a store because they don't want to look at plants. What does a parent do? Usually removes the toddler from the store to a quiet place to calm down. However, you can't do this with a grown man, and a grown man should know better than to tantrum in a store. You can remove yourself, walk away, call a cab. Just like a kid, the tantrums may get less frequent and even stop, when they don't work for them to get them what they want ( blow off steam, get a cookie before dinner... .)

[JadeIshka]

Yes, you're absolutely right. In my moments of clarity, I know all of this. It's easy to lose touch with when I see BPDh hurting and know what the outcome can be. 

I reached out to our therapist last night and asked for an appointment. BPDh will be talking with his brother tomorrow about picking up some car parts and tools from his shop. I think he's at the point where he's ready to cut some strings. Yes, terribly dysfunctional family. I like how you described how the pieces of a family tend to work. I appreciate the support and perspective! 

[Notwendy]

 

I learned this the hard way, with my own dysfunctional FOO. I would naively jump on the bandwagon as rescuer, and the results were not as I expected. It was then that I started to look at patterns, and over several generations, could see them, in my FOO and my H's. I also jumped in to my H's family in a "fixer" "pleaser" role.

I've been a member of ACOA groups, and we talk about the intergenerational behaviors- from a learning perspective. A kid growing up in these kind of families learns behaviors that function within the family, but can then keep those behaviors as an adult, into their own relationships where they are dysfunctional.

We also have to look at our own family to see how we fit with our spouse.

Now, I try not to get into FOO issues as much as possible.