we are back working on things...

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

so i bought her a new car, and we are talking but she was still trying to use me... .her gma actually just died and lied and said she needed money to bury her, obvioulsy it was jsut for drugs and to party... .

we recently had a huge fight, my friend covertly tricked her into " hanging out" and he told me everything she said.  she even tried to seduce him... .

fast forward a week and she sent me a pic of some old stamps her gma sent her and said shes tired of the fighting... .  we even shared a laugh when her ex gf tried to hmu.  is this normal with BPD women? the constant back and forth?

also, when i am emotionally unavailable, she is more attracted to me... .?

[McGahee21]

so i bought her a new car, and we are talking but she was still trying to use me... .her gma actually just died and lied and said she needed money to bury her, obvioulsy it was jsut for drugs and to party... .

we recently had a huge fight, my friend covertly tricked her into " hanging out" and he told me everything she said.  she even tried to seduce him... .

fast forward a week and she sent me a pic of some old stamps her gma sent her and said shes tired of the fighting... .  we even shared a laugh when her ex gf tried to hmu.  is this normal with BPD women? the constant back and forth?

also, when i am emotionally unavailable, she is more attracted to me... .?

[McGahee21]

i bought her another new car btw... .new ford focus

[McGahee21]

nobody replied to me?

[JohnLove]

Hello McGahee21, I read your post when you posted it but I had nothing to offer.

You didn't seem to be asking for help, it is more like you were asking for observations.

So if you would like an observation, here goes:

You have openly confessed the awareness that she is using you. I can guess from your thread title that the relationship is not working and hasn't worked and you have separated previously.

But regardless you are giving it another try for some "reason" which is not at all clear. Neither of the participants seems to be having their needs met... .but hang on, she has got a new car that you have bought her. I appauld you for trying but you can't buy love McGahee21.

You add that you or your friend are indulging in covert operations to discover the "truth" about her. Well, now that your operation has been successful, what are you going to do with the intelligence you have learned? What is the final outcome?

She said she's tired of fighting after seducing your friend... .that would cause a fight, huge boundary violation, or a deal breaker for most healthy people in an intimate relationship.

Is the "normal" for pwBPD. An unreserved YES is my answer.

When you are emotionally unavailable to feed her emotional disorder she goes into PULL mode? YES. That is also "normal" for a pwBPD.

Post more details and be more specific with what you are expecting of bpdfamily and maybe others will chime in... .

Until then you need to keep going to find your truth and learn the lesson this woman is trying to teach you. My concern for you is this "relationship" is going to cost you a lot of cars. (and yeah, that is code for something else far more expensive).

Oh... .and the tools are linked on the right of this page. Ignore them at your own peril as they are very helpful and will allow you to gain understanding and insight of your particular situation.

[McGahee21]

I do love her, and it is what it is. i realize she is sick, and therefor needs help in all facets of life.  how can i possibly turn it around and make it like it was in the beginning? how can i get some control of her?  do i just pull back evertime she gets out of line? 

she literally lies about everything, even things that dont matter or where she wouldnt even have to lie.  her identity is contingent on who she is around?  what can i do to fix this, if possible? how do i get her to repsect me after letting her walk all over me in the past?

[an0ught]

Hi McGahee21,

you can't fix her. What you can do is behaving in a healthy manner. Communicate in a healthy manner and don't let her disrespect you where possible. Protect yourself where possible, help her to stabilize and maybe something rubs off. Again you can't fix her only she can.

As you have noticed you were not getting many responses. I suspect part of what is driving this is the mixed message you are sending: "conflict and abuse" and "I love her". It is clear that something needs to change but it is really hard to tell you which direction to go.


If you are going to continue to communicate with her and support her you are de-facto in a relationship. The proper board for you would be the Staying Board. Start by reading the LESSONS (sticky topic at the top of that board) and soon engaging by posting on the board there.

or

Re-Join the leaving board and disengage.


Both are valid options. The undecided board is more for deciding and sometime also a place for venting. You are in a difficult situation  and that calls for consistent constructive action and support in one direction... .

[Ceruleanblue]

You can't change her, and you definitely can't exert any control over her. All you can do is change YOU, and set boundaries in your relationship. That might bring about some change, but don't go into it thinking that. Boundaries are about protecting ourselves, and protecting our core values.

When there is BPD involved, there is almost always the push/pull dynamic. It's like being on a roller coaster. Some days I just want to get off the ride. I never know any given day which side of BPDh I'll be getting: the one who wants me to go away, or the one who thinks he's losing me, and feels he has to lure me back in.

I'd stop trying to buy her love, and you shouldn't be helping her in all areas of her life, just because she has BPD. It's easy to want to do that, because we see them struggling, but if they never deal with consequences of their bad choices, if we keep enabling the bad choices, it just guarantees more of the same.

Respect is a hard one for pwBPD. Show her that you respect yourself, and that you expect the same from her. You'll need strong boundaries if you have an established pattern of letting her disrespect you. I firmly believe that we teach others how to treat us. It's never to late to ask for respect, and it's a very basic human right.

[McGahee21]

You can't change her, and you definitely can't exert any control over her. All you can do is change YOU, and set boundaries in your relationship. That might bring about some change, but don't go into it thinking that. Boundaries are about protecting ourselves, and protecting our core values.

When there is BPD involved, there is almost always the push/pull dynamic. It's like being on a roller coaster. Some days I just want to get off the ride. I never know any given day which side of BPDh I'll be getting: the one who wants me to go away, or the one who thinks he's losing me, and feels he has to lure me back in.

I'd stop trying to buy her love, and you shouldn't be helping her in all areas of her life, just because she has BPD. It's easy to want to do that, because we see them struggling, but if they never deal with consequences of their bad choices, if we keep enabling the bad choices, it just guarantees more of the same.

Respect is a hard one for pwBPD. Show her that you respect yourself, and that you expect the same from her. You'll need strong boundaries if you have an established pattern of letting her disrespect you. I firmly believe that we teach others how to treat us. It's never to late to ask for respect, and it's a very basic human right.

i already have my own car, and im not taking her car back. but i guess i should just withdrawal until she treats me with common respect.  i guess its all i can do, is not associate with her unless she actually wants to respect me as a man... .