Too late

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

My BPD husband, who left my kids and I this past summer, causing us much pain and grief, is coming to the realization that he is to blame for the sad state of his life and the upheaval in our family.  He now is doing the kinds of things I had begged him to do throughout our marriage.  He is seeking therapy and wants to be an active participant in family life, helping with the kids and the house (even though he now lives elsewhere).  I want him to get healthy, so these are good things.

However, I see the eager to please attitude and assume a) his motive is really self serving and b) his change in attitude will only be temporary.  He seems so pathetic and the old me (who didn't even know what BPD was) would have been thrilled to believe he had a change of heart and to accept his kindness and offers of help with gratitude.  However, after being through the turmoil of the last few years, particularly the last four months, my heart is cold towards him and I feel very cynical.  I don't want to accept his offers, or have him become involved in our family life (of course, he can see his children) but I don't want to hurt his feelings.  My kids and I are finally feeling a bit more stable and now he wants to make amends.  I've come to the sad realization that there's nothing he can do that will change things.  I believe he thinks that this situation is fixable.  He doesn't understand how deep the damage is that he has inflicted on the kids and I.  Am I being too harsh or just realistic?

[Brighter Days]

My BPD husband, who left my kids and I this past summer, causing us much pain and grief, is coming to the realization that he is to blame for the sad state of his life and the upheaval in our family.  He now is doing the kinds of things I had begged him to do throughout our marriage.  He is seeking therapy and wants to be an active participant in family life, helping with the kids and the house (even though he now lives elsewhere).  I want him to get healthy, so these are good things.

However, I see the eager to please attitude and assume a) his motive is really self serving and b) his change in attitude will only be temporary.  He seems so pathetic and the old me (who didn't even know what BPD was) would have been thrilled to believe he had a change of heart and to accept his kindness and offers of help with gratitude.  However, after being through the turmoil of the last few years, particularly the last four months, my heart is cold towards him and I feel very cynical.  I don't want to accept his offers, or have him become involved in our family life (of course, he can see his children) but I don't want to hurt his feelings.  My kids and I are finally feeling a bit more stable and now he wants to make amends.  I've come to the sad realization that there's nothing he can do that will change things.  I believe he thinks that this situation is fixable.  He doesn't understand how deep the damage is that he has inflicted on the kids and I.  Am I being too harsh or just realistic?

[Michelle27]

I don't know you or him, so I can't obviously answer the question on specifics, but I went through this too.  My stbxh and I went through a period in which he knew I was 99% out the door, hanging onto that 1% of hope that things could get better. He wanted me to believe that he was sincere, explained things so clearly to me about his motivations with rages and how it made him feel, got workbooks on CBT, DBT, took CBT classes, took anger management classes, and pursued help from our local mental health organization.  He made changes in participating in the house (doing work around the house without a big ordeal and even without asking) and even sought a referral to a psychiatrist.  He also started showering every day and brushing his teeth (something I had been on his case about for years).  But something seemed "off" and it just didn't seem legitimate.  I pulled the plug on the marriage and couldn't be more relieved now.  I was right... .he quit all of it as soon as I ended things. 

Trust your gut.  The biggest lesson I learned through this was that my gut is usually right.  If you feel something isn't right, it isn't.   

[myself]

Sometimes it is just too late.

No going backwards.

And moving forward is in a different direction.

[Mutt]

Trust your gut.  The biggest lesson I learned through this was that my gut is usually right.  If you feel something isn't right, it isn't.  

I agree. I suggest spending some time quietly and listen to your intuition, your intuition supports and guides you. Trust your instincts.