I should feel strong but mixed instead

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

As my previous posts have said, I've been LC with my uBPDexgf and I never initiate contact. It's been nearly 3 months since I've seen her and have been getting on with my life. Last night, late, I got a text from her asking what I was doing. I had just gotten home from a night out with a buddy and was intoxicated. After a brief exchange where she said she was out with the girls she asked if I wanted to have sex. Thankfully I was drunk and tired and said as much. I waited for a text lashing out but she just said she figured. I actually fell asleep on the couch waiting for a knock at the door, which thankfully never came.

I know I did the right thing but man it wasn't easy and this morning I experienced  sadness I hadn't felt in awhile. Part of me still misses the fantasy I guess, when the reality is she was probably treating me like an object. So while I should feel good about protecting myself from further harm I'm experiencing mixed emotions. The doubts start creeping back in. I figured I'd come here and vent a little rather than be tempted to engage with her. I'd rather stay strong than risk opening myself up for more pain and abuse, but there's that little voice of loneliness that thinks maybe it would be different. Crazy how she can still affect me.

Ugh, what curveballs life throws at us!

[scgator]

As my previous posts have said, I've been LC with my uBPDexgf and I never initiate contact. It's been nearly 3 months since I've seen her and have been getting on with my life. Last night, late, I got a text from her asking what I was doing. I had just gotten home from a night out with a buddy and was intoxicated. After a brief exchange where she said she was out with the girls she asked if I wanted to have sex. Thankfully I was drunk and tired and said as much. I waited for a text lashing out but she just said she figured. I actually fell asleep on the couch waiting for a knock at the door, which thankfully never came.

I know I did the right thing but man it wasn't easy and this morning I experienced  sadness I hadn't felt in awhile. Part of me still misses the fantasy I guess, when the reality is she was probably treating me like an object. So while I should feel good about protecting myself from further harm I'm experiencing mixed emotions. The doubts start creeping back in. I figured I'd come here and vent a little rather than be tempted to engage with her. I'd rather stay strong than risk opening myself up for more pain and abuse, but there's that little voice of loneliness that thinks maybe it would be different. Crazy how she can still affect me.

Ugh, what curveballs life throws at us!

[Mutt]

I waited for a text lashing out but she just said she figured.

Hi scgator,

I get the sense there's a hint of guilt in FOG with how she said "she figured as much?" Do you feel like she triggered guilty feelings with you?

[scgator]

Hi Mutt,

I'm not really sure what had me feeling mixed emotions this morning. You could say there was some guilt triggered because I didn't jump at the chance. I reviewed some things I posted in the name calling thread and am feeling better about my decision. I still get the feeling of sadness for her, that she chooses to go through life that way. But I feel more compassion for myself now and realize nothing in our LC conversations ever have anything to do with me or how I'm doing and are only initiated by her when she needs something. I was probably passive aggressive by just saying I was drunk and ready to pass out. It seemed kinder than all the other replies that raced through my head at the time. And it was the truth. Plus the offer was tempting on the surface but I don't trust her and could see it turning ugly one way or another. Like most, I miss the good that we had and think that resurfaced a little as well. So did some anger for the things she put me through. When I use my head instead of my heart I know I'm doing what is best for me regardless of how she sees it.

[klacey3]

Hi scgator sorry to hear you are feeling upset at the moment.

I think you did the right thing in not meeting her. You have a good head on your shoulders and you are right in your explanation in your last post. Hang in there. Its hard now but it gets easier. Your heart will catch up to your head.

[scgator]

Hi scgator sorry to hear you are feeling upset at the moment.

I think you did the right thing in not meeting her. You have a good head on your shoulders and you are right in your explanation in your last post. Hang in there. Its hard now but it gets easier. Your heart will catch up to your head.

Thanks Klacey, it sure did. I got an apology text from her late yesterday afternoon saying she and all the girls sent their exes that same text. They were drunk and having a good time and just messing with their exes. That really kind of ticked me off and I debated over a reply since yesterday. Finally I decided I don't owe her anything and sent a text saying I think it would just be a good idea to end all communication. I said I only get depressed half the time I hear from her and especially so after messing with me on Saturday. I said I always treated her with kindness and respect and now it was time to show myself some. I said I still had a few of her things and if she wanted them I'd give them to her ex-step-father, whom I'm still friends with. She replied with Ok and trash them.

Now I can go NC and move on with my life and put this hard chapter to bed. I'm thankful for the experience because it truly made me come face to face with my own childhood issues and overcome them but I no longer have to be there for her to treat poorly or mess with.

I was apprehensive when I hit send but I feel so much better now.

[myself]

I was going to write about how it's good you didn't respond to her neediness with some of your own (which is still a good thing, congrats), but hearing it was her just messing with you (if that's even the real story, who knows) also has me agreeing with you about just keeping out of it from now on. Who needs that? Good for you to do what's best for you. Keep doing that!

[scgator]

I was going to write about how it's good you didn't respond to her neediness with some of your own (which is still a good thing, congrats), but hearing it was her just messing with you (if that's even the real story, who knows) also has me agreeing with you about just keeping out of it from now on. Who needs that? Good for you to do what's best for you. Keep doing that!

Thank you, myself. I thought the same thing about her story, and then realized that it doesn't matter. If it's not true then it's just another lie and I don't need that either. Lol, that's my plan, keep living a life I didn't know how to live for so long. I've been enjoying my life tremendously lately and just want that to continue. Thankfully that's up to me.

[klacey3]

Hi scgator sorry to hear you are feeling upset at the moment.

I think you did the right thing in not meeting her. You have a good head on your shoulders and you are right in your explanation in your last post. Hang in there. Its hard now but it gets easier. Your heart will catch up to your head.

Thanks Klacey, it sure did. I got an apology text from her late yesterday afternoon saying she and all the girls sent their exes that same text. They were drunk and having a good time and just messing with their exes. That really kind of ticked me off and I debated over a reply since yesterday. Finally I decided I don't owe her anything and sent a text saying I think it would just be a good idea to end all communication. I said I only get depressed half the time I hear from her and especially so after messing with me on Saturday. I said I always treated her with kindness and respect and now it was time to show myself some. I said I still had a few of her things and if she wanted them I'd give them to her ex-step-father, whom I'm still friends with. She replied with Ok and trash them.

Now I can go NC and move on with my life and put this hard chapter to bed. I'm thankful for the experience because it truly made me come face to face with my own childhood issues and overcome them but I no longer have to be there for her to treat poorly or mess with.

I was apprehensive when I hit send but I feel so much better now.

Hi scgator. I can understand being annoyed at her response that her and her friends all sent the same message to their exs. You know what, I think its very likely that its not true and she is just trying to look like she doesn't care. Her blunt reply about throwing her stuff in the trash is odd. Unfortunately I don't think thats the last you will hear from her. Im pretty sure she will message you again within the next few weeks despite what you said.

I am glad to hear you have been happier lately and hope that continues. Nice work on reflecting on your childhood issues. Was it codependancy/white knight syndrome type of thing you realised?

[scgator]

Hi scgator. I can understand being annoyed at her response that her and her friends all sent the same message to their exs. You know what, I think its very likely that its not true and she is just trying to look like she doesn't care. Her blunt reply about throwing her stuff in the trash is odd. Unfortunately I don't think thats the last you will hear from her. Im pretty sure she will message you again within the next few weeks despite what you said.

I am glad to hear you have been happier lately and hope that continues. Nice work on reflecting on your childhood issues. Was it codependancy/white knight syndrome type of thing you realised?

Hi Klacey, yeah I questioned that myself. Same with her reply, but that's pretty much always the way she responded to something that dealt with how I felt, like she doesn't care. The items I talked about were two things she gave me that I thought she may want back. I wouldn't be surprised if I hear from her either.

Thank you! It was a little of that - the whole rescuer thing. I definitely had some co-dependent traits and I'm aware of them now. I had a bit of a traumatic childhood and was bullied by family and other kids. I buried all those feelings, the rage, resentment, anger, grief, fear, sadness, all of it. I just lately realized I've been kind of surviving and was afraid of living, so I'm doing all I can to change that. I look back and see my relational blueprint was to equate control/abuse/cruelty to love which made my relationship with my exgf seem familiar on many levels. Part of what made it seem like it was meant to be.  

I read somewhere that one good thing out of all of this is the chance for self-discovery. I would have to agree.

[hopealways]

Looking back, I have found that my ever-disappearing BPDx always showed up when she needed something, although I convinced myself that it was because she missed me (and often times she said that as well). Distance brings clarity... .

[sas1729]

Wow man. You'll probably never know but it sounds like the apology text was just a smokescreen. Not that it matters as you said. Your indignation is totally valid, and the good part is that it seems like you're feeling it. I was with my BPDex for 2.5 years. Like many here there were highs and lows. She was high functioning certainly, very smart, so things were very confusing for me. It was only after I started to learn about BPD (undiagnosed) that things started to make sense. In any case the last year things went downhill pretty hard. Especially the last several months... .three just about!

We were still together. I went NC the day I ended things. There was no LC period, because I think the entirety of the last months of our relationship was LC. My point is this: I think any contact is still having a relationship, that is, being in a relationship. The fact that you're indignation spurred you to go NC is indication that you're strong enough for it. Now, of course, you need to maintain it. The high of going NC may waver, but stay strong and push through it. Your head is telling you what is best. Your heart will follow. Besides, you learned a lot about yourself. I learned a ton about myself and it sounds like you have too.

[LostGhost]

Stay strong scgator! What a disrespectful thing she did. You are right to go NC. It's the only way forward. I hope to be joining you soon. Have to muster up the courage to pull the plug 100%. Already got rid of all social media. I'll have to stop responding to her texts/block her number for my final step towards NC. I admire your determination!

[scgator]

Thank you everyone. I received a text from her later that same night saying she promised never to contact me again and then went on to say how I truly showed her what love and family meant and I was the best thing that ever happened to her and that our rs was wonderful while short and sweet. I replied saying yes, I just needed to do this for myself, that I did love her with all I had when we were together, thanked her for the kind words and wished her all the best. That was it. Will that be the last I hear from her? I don't know. Did her words give me some pangs of feelings? Yes, probably a little bit of FOG being stirred up, but then thinking on them I realized that nothing with her would ever be sustainable and I am glad to be off the roller coaster.

I have changed her name in my phone, still have not looked at her FB profile, all pictures and reminders have been gone for awhile now and I am just continuing to move forward. SAS, my ex is undiagnosed and is high functioning too. I have a feeling maybe she already knows about BPD though. It was all very confusing for me. I don't think there was a replacement, there definitely was triangulation and gas lighting, plus other stuff I've posted about elsewhere. If it weren't for finding this site I would still be stuck in the FOG as I had no idea about BPD. It is a sad situation but in the end, once I became a trigger, being together was terribly hard on both of us. It was much more kind, to her and to myself, to walk away.

Thanks LostGhost, it took me awhile to finally get to the point where I realized LC, even thought it was just minimal and always initiated by her, was not helping me. I feel better having told her that we need to stop all communication, now she knows I'm not just giving her the silent treatment.

Walking away has been one of the hardest things I've had to do but it's also been very rewarding. Life has taken on new meaning for me as a result and for that I will be forever thankful for having met her. I believe things happen for a reason and we're all on our own journeys. Apparently it was time on my journey to face all the childhood stuff and learn to love and accept myself. Meeting her was the way for that to happen. That gives me hope for her too, knowing that if and when the time is right on her journey she will face her issues, that time is just not now and whether or not that ever happens is really not my issue. That journey is not mine, it's hers.

[JohnnyShoes]

Normal crap... that comes from a person like her.

That's where I was all week and especially today.

Down deep you know the answers, but yes, I agree... its that little effin doubt that constantly sits on your should and whispers every chance he gets... .

  "But what If... ."

It's a mindf#$k... .the whole relationship.

Do you NEEDva Mind Fck? Absolutely no I'm sure

[JohnnyShoes]

I agree with SAS...

Sounds like that "apology" was just an Ingredient she was adding to her stew of manipulation.

Sort of like playing Bad Cop / Good Cop

One didn't work, so let me try ... .THIS.

My exuBPDgf did this as well.

One thing I know, if you leave the window open for people like these, they will open it.

Mine would texts weeks later , out of the blue, and write like she had just seen me hours before.

Weird.