Any luck with Marriage T?

[Sluggo]

I'm married with seven children.  Two are special needs with one at home on a ventilator.

My dBPDw and I (struggle with co-dependency) have had a difficult 17 year marriage.  It has been up and down but over the marriage but the conflict cycles are getting shorter and shorter between them.  Before it may happen every 4 months now it is happening every few days. 

Last 5 months going to marriage T and the focus has been about me- enmeshment with my family of origin and taking responsibility when I didn't stand up for my wife with slights given by my family.  The first 4 months are relationship felt like it did when we were courting and first married- as my wife wrote letters telling me so.  I was making all this progress and wife felt loved.   I started to feel that we were over the hump and now with the help of the T we could get back and put all high conflict behind us.  However, those changes I made which made her feel loved 4 months ago now weren't doing anything for her.  She wanted something more (as a drug addict gets to a level of tolerance and needs more)

One day in therapy we were sharing some past pain and something triggered in my wife.  In a matter of 15 minutes she was full throttle mad.  T (for the first time) challenged wife saying that your husband has been doing all the changing so far where is your responsibility in this.  This further infuriated my wife and my T asked me to step out of the office and they talked (BPDw screamed) and wife left the T room and left.

T called me back in the room and something finally clicked with the T.  She saw my wife in a full rage.  It was like her saying 'now I understand what you meant when she was really mad' .  That rage lasted for another 9 days and we went to one other appointment separately.   Wife said she had no responsibility and she was divorcing me.  She gave her books and said she could help us through the divorce.  At my appointment T gave me books on coping with divorce and children of divorce.   Having my T experience wifes rage somehow affirmed what I was feeling and made me feel normal. 

Wife calmed down over the weekend and is being affectionate again and never mentioned that she told the T that she was going to divorce me.   I have return some affection but still feel distant.  My T has not set up a plan for me to set boundaries when she gets like this.  Take some of the kids with me to a hotel for a couple of days.  We have not finalized the plan and told wife but that feels good to have an option if this happens again.  Wife has said she wants to stop going to the T.  I feel because it was causing wife to much pain to look inside herself. 

Has anyone had any luck with a marriage therapist?  Or is the BPD so wounded that it is too hard for them to look at themselves?  overall disheartened that once again I am going through this recycling and have let boundaries be broken over and over.   

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[ApChagi1]

My dBPDw and I have been seeing a marriage therapist for probably about 3 years now, and it has been very little help, in my opinion.  Typically, we see the therapist on Saturday, and spend the session re-fighting the arguments we had during the week, then spending the rest of the weekend fighting about the marriage therapist visit.  It has been largely circular and pointless.  I believe my wife has done an AMAZING job of convincing the therapist how she is the victim and I am the cause of all our troubles.  It has become clear to me also, that the therapist has very little experience with, or knowledge of, BPD.  I have asked to try switching and trying another therapist, but my wife quickly shoots that down as me not being committed to working it out with her and she doesn't want to start fresh with someone new. 

[Sluggo]

It has been largely circular and pointless.  I believe my wife has done an AMAZING job of convincing the therapist how she is the victim and I am the cause of all our troubles.  It has become clear to me also, that the therapist has very little experience with, or knowledge of, BPD. 

Dear ApChagi1,

I understand exactly what you are saying.  The marriage T was thinking it was all me... .  and I am glad as I spent the last 4 months working on my faults... .  but when dBPDw flipped and started raging at the T she totally changed and started challenging my wife on her issues (took place last week).    Wife said last night that she was thinking of going back to her individual therapist.  Who she states "agrees with her that the only problem in her marriage is the way I interact with my family"  I feel that she has been challenged by our marrriage T and is why she wants to stop. 

[Herodias]

Mine could always manipulate a therapist. No point in doing marriage counseling... .they need to go alone, but if they aren't honest, It won't help either. It's pretty simple. They need to want to get better and see what they are doing and quit blaming. It's a hard pill to swallow for them.

[Sluggo]

Marriage T today I thought hit the nail on the head... .  She said to us... .I can't help you until you help yourself and work on yourself with therapy individually.  She said to my dBPDw directly you need to learn to regulate your emotions and work on your behaviors.  If not this wont work and we are going to go in circles.  My wife gave a lot of resistance to working on herself as Marriage T gave her a workbook to go through and do some work out of for the appointment.  Wife said she doesn't like that format and will go back to her old T 'my previous T says that I don't have BPD and there is no need to do the Dialectical approach.  Anyway he doesn't do that kind of therapy".  She wont allow the Marriage T to call her previous T to go over her observations.  I can't figure out why?

 

[Ceruleanblue]

My dBPDw and I have been seeing a marriage therapist for probably about 3 years now, and it has been very little help, in my opinion.  Typically, we see the therapist on Saturday, and spend the session re-fighting the arguments we had during the week, then spending the rest of the weekend fighting about the marriage therapist visit.  It has been largely circular and pointless.  I believe my wife has done an AMAZING job of convincing the therapist how she is the victim and I am the cause of all our troubles.  It has become clear to me also, that the therapist has very little experience with, or knowledge of, BPD.  I have asked to try switching and trying another therapist, but my wife quickly shoots that down as me not being committed to working it out with her and she doesn't want to start fresh with someone new. 

This is almost exactly what has happened in our situation too. I wish we'd never gone to marriage therapy. He just gets to play victim, plus, I feel our T has a rather male bias. BPDh just wants to play victim, not look at how he contributes, and so things don't get better. If all you want to do it blame, blame, blame, and play victim, you stay stuck. As it is/was, I was doing all the work on ME, and after a while I resented that I was working so hard(frankly on things he wanted me to change, but I feel were fine with me), while he just refused to do any self reflection, or work on things that would help the marriage.

I'd advise anyone dealing with a partner with BPD(or likely any PD), to skip the marriage T, and just go themselves. I thought I'd give MC a try, but am now totally regretting it. It just made me feel worse about our marriage, not better.

[init]

Wow... I'm just finished reading the thread ... .same situation with using an mc so far with the joint sessions

my wife tells mc everything is either going good or picks on one thing about me and starts crying... .mc responds to her by trying to get me to change... .it was doing nothing going nowhere... wife not opening up about herself at all... .then I suggest in a text to mc that perhaps my wife has BPD... .next joint session I manage to get wife to acknowledge the rages... .small win... .from then on I asked for one on one sessions... .now I saw mc one on one yesterday and she exclaims to me... .'what's BPD' ?  ... .Situation fail!

mc listens... but I fear we are going to go nowhere... .wife has her own one on one mc appointment in three weeks ... however I mentioned it to her yesterday and she said 'what appoitment?'  She seems to be dropping that idea already... .I'm not surprised.

I'm in Australia and desperate to find someone who is an expert in the field.