Contact

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

Well, I have had contact with her. I have had all of the questions I needed answered, well, answered. I emotionally have not changed since talking to her I am not anymore anxiety ridden then before. I do not feel set back. I feel more happy that we talked. She is aware of the black and white thinking and I really believe in my heart is going to work on herself. I also took a good look at myself. I have work to do. I am excited about my path and working on my self esteem. I feel detached in the fact I am okay with even helping her through this time as a friend, I left that option on the table in an email. After what was almost 5 hours on the phone I have an understanding of what she feels in situations and it sucks. I also am pretty sure she is very low in the spectrum of this. It all in all was a really good conversation. We might get coffee this week. She changed her mind three hours later and isn't sure if it is a good idea. I sent her an email stating that I am also not in a position to date anyone her included and that I would like to help her if she wants to process things.

This forum is my e-strength. Love all of you.

[toddinrochester]

Well, I have had contact with her. I have had all of the questions I needed answered, well, answered. I emotionally have not changed since talking to her I am not anymore anxiety ridden then before. I do not feel set back. I feel more happy that we talked. She is aware of the black and white thinking and I really believe in my heart is going to work on herself. I also took a good look at myself. I have work to do. I am excited about my path and working on my self esteem. I feel detached in the fact I am okay with even helping her through this time as a friend, I left that option on the table in an email. After what was almost 5 hours on the phone I have an understanding of what she feels in situations and it sucks. I also am pretty sure she is very low in the spectrum of this. It all in all was a really good conversation. We might get coffee this week. She changed her mind three hours later and isn't sure if it is a good idea. I sent her an email stating that I am also not in a position to date anyone her included and that I would like to help her if she wants to process things.

This forum is my e-strength. Love all of you.

[cyclistIII]

That is good! I am glad you were able to have that talk; I've had one brief (<10 min) chat with my ex and it made me more sad temporarily but also more closure-y afterwards.

However, I urge you to be cautious -- she was in a rational state of mind when you talked to her but that could change any time without warning, and she could wind up doing something hurtful again, and it might be more painful than you expect. Take care of yourself first!

[Creativum]

Todd, I'm so glad you feel better about things.  But I might caution you:  She may be just trying to keep you in her orbit in case she needs you.  Mine did the same thing and then, once he had me where he wanted me and I said "I really miss you, you know," it sent him packing again, and left me feeling terrible.  So be careful and only cautiously optimistic, okay?

[SummerStorm]

That is good! I am glad you were able to have that talk; I've had one brief (<10 min) chat with my ex and it made me more sad temporarily but also more closure-y afterwards.

However, I urge you to be cautious -- she was in a rational state of mind when you talked to her but that could change any time without warning, and she could wind up doing something hurtful again, and it might be more painful than you expect. Take care of yourself first!

Yes, watch out for this.  My former friend BPD has these moments of rational thinking when she admits that she needs help and admits that she knows she hurts people.  Then, just as quickly, she turns and does something awful and hurtful. 

[hollycat]

The contact feels good, doesn't it? I too urge you to be very, very careful.  I have been reminded frequently pwBpd is like a drug to us.

So, you just got your hit.  I too felt very strong after my BpdH visited unexpectedly 2 weeks ago. Now I am a sniveling mess again.  I have had no contact in a week and I am worried to death about him and want to reach out.

My experience was he did put himself out to please me, because I believe he wanted me to invite him to come back home.  When I didn't do it, he stopped contact.

Please protect yourself. Put YOURSELF first. Help YOU!

[toddinrochester]

I am doing fine guys. I know that her and I do not work out. Between both of our problems it doesn't work. I am not ready to be in a relationship. Not even remotely close. I am working on my self esteem and my insecurities that have allowed me and would have let me become a floor mat for someone to walk all over. Even if she said she wanted me back tomorrow I am unable to trust her again like that with how volatile both of our problems feed each other.  We both have work to do. She is actually very interested in help for the black and white thinking. I spent the weekend researching therapists in my area that use both EDMR and DBT. I emailed all of them and then talked to her on the phone. My self esteem issues are something that my T and I work on twice a week for now.

To sum it up, I grieved the death of the person I thought she was last month. That person died to me. I am not interested in dating her, I am not interested in dating anyone. Not now. She also realizes that she can't date anyone. I really think she will get through this. She is determined to not have these extremes. Thank you for the supportive comments and messages. I am sticking around here for a while. =)

[cyclistIII]

Glad you are feeling better, Todd. But a little confused... .why are you researching therapists for your ex? Shouldn't that be something she does for herself?

[toddinrochester]

Some people need a little direction. The fact that she wants this is great for her. I am not in a place where I can fall for her. The person that I thought I was in love with never existed. I am fine.