Court order in place - his Instragram photos are upsetting me

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

I am a little over 4 weeks NC with dBPDxbf.  this was finally precipitated by a restraining order when he tried to kill me.  I haven't talked to him since shortly after the incident and I did have to see him in court, although we weren't allowed to speak to each other (which was fine).

yes, its true, i am an idiot.

Since his employee has been texting me that he misses me "soo much" and wishes he could talk to me and doesn't know how he'll survive without me... .blah blah blah. Then there's my idiocity clicking in.  i clicked on his name in instgram. Bad idea... .he is blocked but I can still see him as he's public.

He went to race motorcycles in arizona over the weekend.

I was in Arizona in march of this year for a solo business trip.

He had taken 2 pictures and a video that are disturbing me. He took a selfie in a beach chair near a pool. One of his hashtags says #single. Of course he had a lot of "likes". But thats not what bothers me. It is an identical photo of me in the same chair at the same resort... .same exact resort. This part of arizona has hundreds of resorts. This one was very expensive that my job paid for... .there is no coincidence that he took the same picture at the same resort in arizona. He would never spring for that hotel... .he doesnt have that kind of money. But apparently he did just so he could take the picture?

The second picture was reverse angle from where he was sitting at the pool. Identical to the next photo i had posted... .so blatently at the same hotel, pool, and posting the same photos i had.

What i dont understand is how he is doing this? I have him blocked. Maybe when he had liked my photos before he saved them... .idk.

This is too much to be coincidence.

Lastly, he took a video of a concert last night that he must have gone to. It was of a band we liked and attended concerts for. The part of the song he posted was "everything is alright, tell me that you're alright."  It's one of my favorite bands... .and one of my favorite songs... .and apparently he saw them in arizona last night. And he recorded that portion of it and posted it to instagram.

Idk... .i am just feeling like i am in a tailspin this morning. What the hell?

The same chair, same resort (there's hundreds of resorts he could have picked from), same band, same song, same concert.

Am I completely out of my mind over-reacting?



Continuation:

Court hearing on PFA after chocking incident

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=284999.0

[cloudten]

I am a little over 4 weeks NC with dBPDxbf.  this was finally precipitated by a restraining order when he tried to kill me.  I haven't talked to him since shortly after the incident and I did have to see him in court, although we weren't allowed to speak to each other (which was fine).

yes, its true, i am an idiot.

Since his employee has been texting me that he misses me "soo much" and wishes he could talk to me and doesn't know how he'll survive without me... .blah blah blah. Then there's my idiocity clicking in.  i clicked on his name in instgram. Bad idea... .he is blocked but I can still see him as he's public.

He went to race motorcycles in arizona over the weekend.

I was in Arizona in march of this year for a solo business trip.

He had taken 2 pictures and a video that are disturbing me. He took a selfie in a beach chair near a pool. One of his hashtags says #single. Of course he had a lot of "likes". But thats not what bothers me. It is an identical photo of me in the same chair at the same resort... .same exact resort. This part of arizona has hundreds of resorts. This one was very expensive that my job paid for... .there is no coincidence that he took the same picture at the same resort in arizona. He would never spring for that hotel... .he doesnt have that kind of money. But apparently he did just so he could take the picture?

The second picture was reverse angle from where he was sitting at the pool. Identical to the next photo i had posted... .so blatently at the same hotel, pool, and posting the same photos i had.

What i dont understand is how he is doing this? I have him blocked. Maybe when he had liked my photos before he saved them... .idk.

This is too much to be coincidence.

Lastly, he took a video of a concert last night that he must have gone to. It was of a band we liked and attended concerts for. The part of the song he posted was "everything is alright, tell me that you're alright."  It's one of my favorite bands... .and one of my favorite songs... .and apparently he saw them in arizona last night. And he recorded that portion of it and posted it to instagram.

Idk... .i am just feeling like i am in a tailspin this morning. What the hell?

The same chair, same resort (there's hundreds of resorts he could have picked from), same band, same song, same concert.

Am I completely out of my mind over-reacting?



Continuation:

Court hearing on PFA after chocking incident

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=284999.0

[enlighten me]

Hi Cloudten

Yes we can read too much into things. The fact that he posted the song might have been subconscious on his behalf. That particular song might have aroused feelings which he may not have associated with you.

The song and the photos do seem to be pointing to him either reaching out to you or trying to get you to notice him.

I have wondered in the past if my exs have done similar as they may think I am keeping tabs on them.

On the other hand it could just be innocent coincidence.

[OnceConfused]

Cloudten:

You are affected because your curiosity is trying to find what he does and what is going on with him.

This is the man who tried to KILL you. Remember that. Try to get away as fast and as far as you can.

All the stuffs he posted perhaps (1) to show to others that he is a rich, single guy, or (2) he knows you are checking around to he tries to stir up something here.

You have got to make the determination whether this is OVER or not? Is the fact that he tried to kill you , enough to not be with him or you do need some more evidence of his craziness ?

[Mutt]

Hi cloudten,

You're not an idiot, don't be hard on yourself. Your ex doesn't know if you're going to be peeking on social media, I agree with enlightenme that it's likely subconscious. His friend is forwarding your exes's messages because you have a restraining order. He knows that he would be breaking the RO.

Was the trigger for peeking on social media from the text message or was the trigger from something else? Do you think it's a good idea for you to block the friend too for self protection? Are you taking a screenshot of the messages in case you need it for court?

[cloudten]

I am skeptical of it being sub-conscious. Phoenix is very very far from Philadelphia. The hotel is not a chain hotel- more of a boutique hotel. When I posted my photo on instagram, the name was very obvious on my beach chair. No one would see in the top 10 places to stay in Phoenix. The song is very much one of our songs.  If this is subconscious, I would be shocked.  Maybe he is making fun of me. That is a possibility. But we like the same things (so it seemed).

I am trying to get away... .i feel trapped. I don't need more evidence of his craziness. He gave me jewelry then tried to kill me- TOLD me he would kill me so he didn't have to see me in philadelphia.

The trigger on social media was 2 fold. 1) the texts from his employee. 2) a facebook message from one of his friends asking me why he went to arizona. I didn't know he went to arizona because I do have him blocked everywhere and was trying not to seek out his instagram (which even though he is blocked- i can still see since he is public).  I think I am going to delete instagram. I really don't have any other choice.

The facebook message from his friend prompted me to look him up. I did see he went to arizona... .when a month ago he was planning on not going.

This sounds awful, but I literally spent the entire weekend hoping he'd die on the motorcycle track.

The texts from his employee then prompted me to check again to see if he died. *insert nervous laugh*

he didn't die- and in fact- I see the pictures and video that seem to be a message.

His employee is blocked and has been... .except I haven't blocked her text messages. I do feel like she is the one thread I have left connecting him to me. The friend on facebook isn't really a concern of mine. I don't think he likes either of us and he lives in germany.  But the employee is an issue and has been an issue in our relationship for a long time. He triangulated us after he connected us to be friends. It was messed up.  I stopped talking to her for a long time, but then she messaged me again with her problems... .which was okay... .but then she started in on how he's doing.

Technically, she hasn't passed a message from him to me. He would probably be angry if he knew she was talking to me because it could get him jail time if she were to pass a message from him to me. I am not sure there is anything worth screen-shotting yet.

[cloudten]

Maybe he's walking in my footsteps so he can feel close to me.

[Mutt]

Maybe he's walking in my footsteps so he can feel close to me.

I understand the skepticism. You don't have to be convinced of how his words do not match his actions.  You deserve to be treated with dignity, kindness and respect. Thankfully he's respected the restraining order by trying to go the long way around. I think that you have the right idea with the last remnant from your past with his employee. You have your own path, a multitude of choices of where you choose to go. What kinds of things do you look forward to in the future? Do you see yourself with a healthier partner?

[Herodias]

Remember, they mirror people, so he could be taking on your profile/personality... .

[cloudten]

I seriously wish I could post the pictures here. I thought I was going nuts and over-reacting, but I sent them to my sister and one of my best friends and they both think its really messed up... ."creepy" and "Freaky" are the words they used. Another friend said "dude's f*d up".  they are that similar.

Maybe he is mirroring me. I am so freaked out. I just want off this crazy train... .i want off.

I think he is trying to go the long way around the restraining order.

I don't see myself with anyone if he continues this. Its not fair to anyone else.

I'm not sure what I look forward to in the future... .I "look forward" to him contacting me April 27, 2017. I "look forward" to seeing him with other women.

The only thing I want to look forward to is getting lean and muscular again and stop being trapped in my stressed out, overweight body. But that is so slow going right now.

[MSNYC]

Nothing to say beyond, if the photos are as identical as you say they are, you are not overreacting. That's creepy as heck.

[C.Stein]

I just want off this crazy train... .i want off.

Take yourself off the crazy train.  Don't check up on him, then it won't matter what he does, you won't know.

[zundertowz]

No your not over reacting and it's not sub-conscious.   My guess would be that he's hoping you will see the pictures and you will be jealous that he is doing all the things that you would enjoy and hoping this will make you come back.  It's actually quite scary that he would go to those lengths.  I'm guessing he is really desperate with the RO and all.

[Mutt]

I don't see myself with anyone if he continues this. Its not fair to anyone else.

I had similar feelings too because my ex wife has BPD traits. It took time for me to stop reacting to her emotional instability. That doesn't mean that I should deny myself relationships? You're not responsible for his behaviors in his personal life. If he telegraphs that he's creepy that's on him.

“If you are depressed you are living in the past.

If you are anxious you are living in the future.

If you are at peace you are living in the present.


Lao Tzu

I know how distressing and slow going everything can feel. We don't know what will happen in 2017, a lot of things can happen, what we can control is the present

[Skip]

Maybe he is mirroring me. I am so freaked out. I just want off this crazy train... .i want off.

I think he is trying to go the long way around the restraining order.

This perspective may help.

You have a restraining order and he is abiding by it. 

When you put someone under such an order, it is humiliating.  Its not unusual for a person to play "you can't control me" games - in fact, its common.

Is this to get close to you? No.

Is it to mirror you? No.

Is this the crazy train? No. It's immature dribble.

Maybe he did mock you photos.  Maybe he even went to the same hotel - you liked it, so it had a good reference.

At most it's immature dribble.

Certainly the one thong we want to learn here is how to live in a world with immature people - we can't make them mature and we can't hide from them.

Why is this upsetting you so? What is really at the heart of it.  Think carefully.

[cloudten]

I think its just really super creepy.

I saw my T last night and she said he is probably jealous of me, and he is proving that he can do what i did. Interesting thought I suppose. He probably is playing "you can't control me games". 

Immature dribble is probably most accurate... .and control games. He admits he has control issues.

Thank you all for your help!

I just keep telling myself "it doesn't matter. it doesn't matter. it doesn't matter."

[Skip]

I just keep telling myself "it doesn't matter. it doesn't matter. it doesn't matter."

What is it that is upsetting you?

[cloudten]

I suppose I am trying to convince myself that "it doesn't matter" what he is doing.

But I feel so at risk... .that to me, it does matter what he is doing. He is obviously being creepy.

[ReclaimingMyLife]

I agree it is beyond creepy and think you are not over-reacting given his behavior and his threats.  I think it does matter.  Very much.  I think you need to err on the side of over-reacting rather than under-reacting.  Maybe he is just trying to f*ck with you.  Maybe he is trying to threaten you.  There is no way to know, but if I were you I would assume that he is still very much engaged and you need to continue to be alert, smart and careful.

My ex did not go to the extreme that yours did.  However, he has been stalking and harassing me for almost a year.  I have found it VERY tricky to be the "right" amount of vigilant and aware without being too much or too little.  I know you have a restraining order but still much caution seems to be in order based on these photos. 

Have you already put safety precautions in place?  I will private message you an e- book from a stalking expert with an extensive list of things.

I am so very sorry he persists.   

XOXO

[Skip]

I think you need to err on the side of over-reacting rather than under-reacting.  Maybe he is just trying to f*ck with you.  Maybe he is trying to threaten you.  There is no way to know, but if I were you I would assume that he is still very much engaged and you need to continue to be alert, smart and careful.

An abundance of caution makes sense.  Making use of the time he is out of town to get prepared makes sense.

I suppose I am trying to convince myself that "it doesn't matter" what he is doing.

But I feel so at risk... .that to me, it does matter what he is doing. He is obviously being creepy.

Just reading through this - you went to Vegas and had high hopes to repair the relationship, there was an aggravated assault - fast forward 3 weeks and the relationship is over for good - this is a lot of emotional turmoil and stress.  There is still unfinished business for you emotionally. I take from you comments that part of you is wanting justice and part of you is grieving loss.

I imagine he is pretty wired too. The Instagram photos all seem like childish taunts into space - he has no idea whether you will see them or not.  You can't control me. I'm happy without you. Etc. The war dance we sometime do when we lose a relationship.

But you looked. Most of us would. 

I say this to hopefully create some handle to start grabbing onto your exit and detachment. This is a rough one.

Does any of this sound possible?

[Mr Hollande]

It's not often I find myself seeing things Skip's way but on this occasion I think he has a point. It reminds me of the silliness I pulled to get a reaction out of my ex after the break up. Most of the time it worked as in she'd reach out so I could ignore her in order to make her feel rejected. I didn't go to the extent of booking holidays in faraway hotels like your ex, only FB posts that wouldn't mean anything to an outsider but would trigger her. It's the same see who blinks first kind of game though.

The best reaction you can give him is no reaction at all.

[Skip]

It's not often I find myself seeing things Skip's way but on this occasion I think he has a point.

[Suspicious1]

I don't think you're over-reacting or reading too much into this at all. This to me seems alarming behaviour, and it looks very much like he's stalking you. If I read you right, he is following you to places you've been and taken selfies at, then taken selfies of himself at the same place in the same pose?

To me it seems that he is sending a message that he can see where you go and what you do. Given that this message is being sent by someone who tried to kill you and who you have a restraining order on, I wouldn't be ignoring it or brushing it off, I'd be taking it very seriously. You find it creepy; your friends find it creepy. This is because it is creepy. Trust your instincts.

Can you gather this information and give it to your solicitor or the police?

[cloudten]

I don't think you're over-reacting or reading too much into this at all. This to me seems alarming behaviour, and it looks very much like he's stalking you. If I read you right, he is following you to places you've been and taken selfies at, then taken selfies of himself at the same place in the same pose?

To me it seems that he is sending a message that he can see where you go and what you do. Given that this message is being sent by someone who tried to kill you and who you have a restraining order on, I wouldn't be ignoring it or brushing it off, I'd be taking it very seriously. You find it creepy; your friends find it creepy. This is because it is creepy. Trust your instincts.

Can you gather this information and give it to your solicitor or the police?

Yes that is exactly what he is doing.  I consulted one friend who is a police officer and he said that if it wasn't threatening or a direct communication, there isn't much they can do. It isn't a blatant threat, nor did he tag me or say anything about me or to me. But it absolutely him in my footsteps.  I just realized that his race wasn't even in the area his hotel was in... .they were hours apart. So he literally sought out that hotel. Its just blowing my mind.  Maybe I should just go speak with the police and present it. I don't think it holds any weight in terms of violating the order... .but maybe the police should be aware.

[shatra]

The trigger on social media was 2 fold. 1) the texts from his employee. 2) a facebook message from one of his friends asking me why he went to arizona. I didn't know he went to arizona because I do have him blocked everywhere and was trying not to seek out his instagram

---Was the facebook message actually a "clue" sent to you to tell you that he was in fact in arizona? Doesn't sound like an "innocent" question, especially coming from one of his friends. His friend contacting you could be the BPD triangulating.

---Could he have copied your photo at the hotel and then photoshopped the photo with one of him, making it look like he was at the same hotel? Either way,the photos are in reference to you Be cautious and careful.

[Skip]

The best reaction you can give him is no reaction at all.

Don't set yourself up.

If you go to the police and say you were monitoring his Instagram account and you are offended because of pool selfie and a music clip, you may cast more doubt on your character than his.

If they make a courtesy call to your ex, he will open the door to the fact that you are stalking him. He could even go back to the police later with false claims that he saw you stalking him, and Instagram incident will be supportive. And rest assure, if you ever end up in court again, he will raise all this.

Lastly, if you react (with police, friend, etc) and he finds out, it will be motivating for him to continue. If you are oblivious to all of this, it will likely lead to and earlier extinction of his anger.  Remember, this is all new and he is angry.  :)o you want to fuel that, or starve that?

He's in your head. He haunting you. You have conflicting emotions. You're vulnerable.

It's OK. Don't let that been seen outside of your trusted circle.

It's safe here.