Yes, she lives with me. I can get her out for periods of time, but always finds some loophole to come back and reenter...
. too much histrionics. my god just leave... .I am literally at my wits end. Then she says she will leave. she drives around the block and comes back. phones her parents crying like a baby to make me look like the bad guy (really) (really). it's been very stressing. I'm almost ready to sell my house and force her out... I'd hate to do that though
Couple of things here. First, you say she always finds loopholes to come back. But the flip side to that is you let her back in. Once you've made the decision to break it off, you have to be ready for it. Detachment is a process, yes. I have been here before (and have recently found myself here again). I want to go NC, but I've done it as a process with my pwBPD. As she sensed my drifting, she has full blown painted me black and forced NC. As hard as it is for me, I know it's for the best. But you know what? I, in the end, got what I needed (which was space to heal and move on). She found me to be a persecutor in the end and cast me out. Painful, yes... .but she is no longer in my life so to speak.
You can't control her. You can only control you and what you will allow. This includes letting her move back in. Today I had a discussion with a mutual friend. I found out my pwBPD has been demonizing me to her (more or less). It hasn't drove a wedge between my friend and me, but my friend has distanced herself from me and I do feel its because of what Jane has been telling her. The only real thing she would say is that Jane told her that she felt like I made her feel inferior. Jane has never mentioned this to me directly. The only time she remotely hinted at that was around last Thursday when she almost randomly sent me a text saying that I treat and talked to her like a child. Basically, Jane has split me black and the one who was once her savior has become her tormentor somehow. That, my friend, is BPD. This comes after weeks of her treating me horribly and after a year of lies, cheating, and other things. But yet, I am the "bad" guy to her. I'm trying to not take it personally, as I realize that I just happen to be the face of her torment in her reality. The truth is that I let her walk over me for awhile and when I took a stand, the world changed for her. She hid a lot of things from me and now that the FOG is lifting, I can see it clearly. So, if I am the "bad" guy, so be it. If that's what it takes for us both to move on from each other, then that's what it is. Being called a name means nothing to what I've endured with her this year. I'm sure you're the same way. You want her out, so what if she calls you names while she does it? The end result is you get what you want. That's the ultimate end goal.
I was once this super great, highly intelligent guy that Jane couldn't believe cared/loved her. She swore up and down about how great I had treated her in a previous relationship and how once it had ended she was so ashamed to have let me go. She promised me the world, how she would never hurt me, or hate me, or a million other things that she ended up doing to me anyway. All the while, she justified it by saying I was going to leave her and hate her in the end anyway. It was a self-fulfilled prophecy: her behavior led to me leaving (which is also common in BPD r/s). Will she ever split me white again and forget that she saw me as black? Maybe. Probably. In the end, I was this guy who made her feel stupid and inferior, even though I never once ran her down about not being good enough at anything (the complete opposite was true). But, she just decided one day that I was a bad guy and it was all downhill from there. Who knows how it was triggered, I will never know (it could've been a look I gave her - or she thought I gave her - or a million other things). She once was mad at me and treated me like crap for almost a week over a dream she had where I slept with a friend of hers (who I met once, in her presence, and never spoke to / saw again). Recently, when I was able to talk to her about why she was giving me ST, she told me it was because she had a dream where we were arguing and I told her that if she were a guy, I would punch her in the face. See how distorted their reality is? At no point had I ever put a hand on her (nor would I), yet she was treating me like I had abused her.
Why I illustrated it that way for you was to show you that you will always be the "bad" guy in her eyes during moments of dysregulation. Splitting is common. What is important is to stay grounded and realize that there are no "good" and "bad" people in this play that they call their life, in reality. Everyone lives in a shade of gray (both "good" and "bad", but Cluster B's can't see the world in gray, only black (bad) and white (good).
I think the best course of action for you is to read over the various articles on this site. Dealing with a disordered individual isn't easy, especially trying to break up with one (unless you're like most of us and
they are the one that leaves).
