How do you get help when your Mum wont admit there is a problem?

[Heavy Heart]

I don't really know where to start with this. My Mum has all the signs if BPD, but I don't know how to get help for her or me. I have a family and a wonderful husband who is really understanding, but I really struggle knowing how to deal with my Mum when she's in "the zone/ red mist" - whatever you want to call it. It's just so destructive.

My Dad died 18months ago and he took the brunt of my Mums behaviour and did do ever since I was a child, but now it's just me (as I'm an only child), and really struggling with the nastiness and emotional blackmail.

Any advice welcome.

[Turkish]

Hello Heavy Heart,



I'm sorry that you had to grow up with her abusing your dad like that, not to mention you. What's the contact situation like? Where does she live, and what demands is she asking of you?

I hope to hear more and how we can support you.

Turkish

[Heavy Heart]

Hi Turkish

My husband and I have helped her to move close by to where we live, so that we can support her as she grows old. So she lives 10mins away from us in the next town. But she can't drive. She has moved into a retirement apartment that has a on call care service (so that we know my Mum will get support if we ever dared to go on holiday without her) & it is next to all amenities she would need. I see her every couple of days at the moment, to support her, but getting accused at the moment of abandoning her because my in-laws have come to stay for a few days. This is always a trigger. But I'm really struggling with her being really toxic at times. This is nothing new though it has been ongoing since I was a child, but my Dad got the brunt of the rages.

Having read about BPD over the last couple of years I have a better understanding of her mental health and she falls into many of the classic symptoms of someone with BPD. I regularly refer To "Stop walking on Eggs shell", which has been a great resource and this website was recommended. I really feel that I need some counselling to help me deal with my Mum when she is toxic and also try to support her. If I could get her help it would be amazing as I hate seeing her go through the periods of unhappiness thinking I am out to make her life miserable and thinking I am trying to upset her. Which I am truly not.

In answer to your question regarding demands, then her demands vary from week to week depending on her mental state. But she extremely reliant on me at the moment and hasn't tried to become very independent since she moved, despite there being all the amenities around her (even a restaurant in the retirement facility, that provides freshly cooked food). She is feeding herself etc, but has made no attempt to socialise, and therefore she is lonely (which is my fault as I am not supporting her enough and taking her out etc etc). Especially at the moment whilst my inlaws are here. Despite the fact I have invited her to dinner whilst in laws here etc, but she didn't accept the offer - as they are "evil" & taking her place. Really feeing despair as want this roller coaster to stop. Also can see a huge issue coming up as we have invited the in laws for Christmas, as they haven't been for over 10years (as my parents always took priority at Christmas) and despite talking this through with my a Mum and her giving her seal of approval to the invitation, she is now threatening me. For example she has said that is they come, she will not come on Christmas Day, as she doesn't want to get pushed out into the cold at the end of the day to go back to her flat. I have said she could stop over but she has declined the offer on health grounds as she has diverticulitis. I am getting really stressed already about Christmas, as after Christmas last year it was awful despite her staying with us for 2 weeks, but after we dropped her off and went to visit the in laws the nastiness started. I was being threatened with the police and social services and it was really nasty. I know I should be able to rise above all the nastiness and ignore it, but I find it really difficult.

Sorry for the long essay, but thought a bit of back ground would help. I know there isn't a magic answer, but finding this forum has been really helpful already.

Many thanks

Heavy Heart

[Turkish]

It sounds like she is well taken care of, her physical needs at least. You mentioned emotional blackmail. Have you seen this?

Workshop - US: What it means to be in the “FOG”

To me, it's none of her business (nor anyone's) whom you invite over to your home. It's your home. Your mum, however, has the emotional grip of guilt on you, and it's hard to assert boundaries with a person who continually busts them. What exactly did she threaten you with regarding the police and social services? Was there any credibility (as in, would they perhaps take it seriously at first) there?

[busybee1116]

You have gotten some great suggestions. The one thing that I will add that took me a while to figure out--her behavior will be the same whether you meet every demand, or you don't. Can't win, no matter how hard you try! I learned  I have to live my own life and not care so much about what she thinks,  because no matter what I do she acts the same. It's hard to set boundaries at first, but ultimately it will help improve your life.  One of the saddest things is that most people with BPD are incapable of change. But you aren't.

[Harri]

Hi Heavy Heart.  I want to join the others in saying welcome! 

Please do read the link on FOG that Turkish posted.  Read it through a few times if needed.     There is another link that I think may help when talking with your mother:  TOOLS: S.E.T. - Support, Empathy and Truth  SET takes practice but *over time* it can make a really big difference. 

The best way for you to help your mother is to help yourself first.  As busybee said,

It's hard to set boundaries at first, but ultimately it will help improve your life.  One of the saddest things is that most people with BPD are incapable of change. But you aren't.

Getting Our Values and Boundaries in Order is another good article to read.