Delayed depression and regret post-breakup

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

I'm nearly 5 months post-breakup, and I didn't start to get depressed/shell shocked from it all until about 2 months post breakup. I intelligently understand all the reasons that the breakup was a healthy choice for me, but yet I still want her back so bad, I don't understand it. Anybody else have such a reaction AND have it kick in months after the fact?

[Mcbraniff]

I'm nearly 5 months post-breakup, and I didn't start to get depressed/shell shocked from it all until about 2 months post breakup. I intelligently understand all the reasons that the breakup was a healthy choice for me, but yet I still want her back so bad, I don't understand it. Anybody else have such a reaction AND have it kick in months after the fact?

[C.Stein]

I'm nearly 5 months post-breakup, and I didn't start to get depressed/shell shocked from it all until about 2 months post breakup. I intelligently understand all the reasons that the breakup was a healthy choice for me, but yet I still want her back so bad, I don't understand it. Anybody else have such a reaction AND have it kick in months after the fact?

I'm at almost 4 months and it also took almost 2 months for the pain to really start kicking in.  I had been emotionally numb for the entire year and probably experiencing some c-PTSD.  I was so numb and depressed when the final discard came it didn't really impact me ... .and I just let it happen. 

About 6 weeks or so after I started feeling again.  Finally I reached out to her so I could give her some stuff.  After that day I completely crashed.  Severe depression, emotional wreck, unable to function in almost all normal capacities, wet eyes on a constant basis.  It has been a waking nightmare at times.

It has gotten somewhat less severe but I still struggle with letting her go and accepting my ex for who she really is.   There is hardly a moment of the day when I am not thinking of her.  I have all kinds of conflicting emotions and mixed feelings of never wanting to see or hear from her again to hoping we could work it all out.

I don't understand any of it either.  It is an addiction of sorts which probably stems from inner issues of my own (some codependency).  That knowledge doesn't make it any easier but learning about the disorder and my own potential contributions has help quiet the raging hurricane of rumination in my head a bit.

Everyone will be different in this regard.  The length of time it takes to heal from a loss like this takes however long it takes.  Some can do it in months others take years.  Don't rush it, just know you will eventually heal.

[Itstopsnow]

I totally can relate! We broke up in August. But kept talking and hanging out till November 10th when I realized he had a girlfriend and was cheating on me all summer long. I'm sure he cheated the whole 18 months too! They are so secretive and pathological at lying. But now it's been 21 days no contact and I feel like I'm going through bad withdrawal! I realized by searching him on the Internet that I wasn't totally doing NC. I feel like I'm having a huge set back and my depression is crippling almost. I feel more lethargic . The first month of our breakup I was in shock and denial . And my anxieties were super high. I couldn't eat or sleep . But now knowing all the lies and that we will never be together again and that he's smearing me and chasing the the OW. And likely dating a bunch of new girls, I feel very depressed and low energy. These people are not worth being this upset over. Their blantent lack of regard for us and what we had with them. Speaks volumes of their character and lack of integrity . It just suck Because the bond to us was real but to them it wasn't fully ever there. They were busy making many small bonds whether emotionally or physically with many people . The bottom line is They suck! 

[hopealways]

I can relate also. The healing is not a linear process.  I am 4.5 months NC and think about her daily. Every minute (maybe even second).  The first month or two I was fine, but I think it was because I was PTSD combined with feeling she would be back.  As the months pass it makes me think she will never return and it messes with my self esteem and it has made me more sad as of late.  I am still committed to NC.  While the highs with her were like nothing I have ever experienced, they are just not worth the lows.

[Mcbraniff]

Thanks to everyone for responding and sharing your situations and perspectives with me.

I was relatively 'fine' for the first two months after breakup ( sad, but accepting... .or so I thought). Then I took some prescription PPI's ( stomach acid medication) for 3 days in September. They made me very jittery, wiggy and induced shakes and insomnia. I stopped taking them, but I haven't been the same since, like they 'triggered' a raw response in me that kicked me over the edge into the depression/funk that I'm still experiencing.  I started to freak out and felt major regret and guilt for my part in the breakup, and then eventually tried to reach out to her to see if we could reconcile, but her responses (only via email) had me painted the blackest of black.

I tried to explain myself on each of her points/accusations, but each time she would then come back with a new accusation or delusional dissection of my words in the previous email. I couldn't believe the conclusions she was drawing from my words, especially when I took so much time to carefully make the meaning and 'theme' of my Mea Culpa clear and heartfelt. I'm just astounded at the bitter and twisted lens with which she now views me! I thought the breakup was mutual ( over a few big issues that we couldn't seem to come to terms over), but I now see that the big 'injury' to her is that I made her feel shame when discussing 'adult' issues ( she handles money poorly and is in large debt with NO assets), and that she blames me for the whole breakup, even though technically she is the one who said 'I can't do this back and forth (arguing/discussion/negotiation)anymore!', to which I reluctantly agreed... .

The process of trying to reconcile actually made me feel worse!

[Mcbraniff]

 :'(Oh, yeah... .and she also refused to ever sign a prenup. It was a deal-breaker for me as I have a daughter ( with my late wife) whose future I need to protect, etc... .she just couldn't see the rationale behind it, saying that it was only about me 'not trusting her', etc... .

I totally established my boundaries with this, but yet I'm still, even now, struggling with this delayed depression/regret,etc... .I know it's supposed to take time, but it's dumbfounding! :'(

[thisagain]

  I'm sorry you're having a hard time! Those side effects sound nasty. Physical health can have a huge effect on your mental processes.

I'm having a similar delayed-reaction experience. Coming up on a month of no-contact, and two months since the breakup. A week ago I felt like I'd basically forgotten about her, and tonight I'm a sobbing mess. It's helped me to think about what I'm really missing, though. I miss being with someone, I miss the fleeting moments of happiness and connection, but mostly what I miss is the fake relationship we invented together. The cute nicknames, beautiful future plans, inside jokes, etc with really no substance underneath. It was just a fantasy, like we were pretending to be people who love each other and have a close relationship. Because of her BPD, there was very little emotional intimacy and no chance we'd ever have made it to the proposal or the house we were planning.

Did you ever read the lessons on the Staying board? If you continue communicating with her at all, those lessons are helpful to learn effective communication techniques and strategies. Like why it doesn't work to explain or defend yourself. They also have a lot of great resources on understanding BPD, which can be helpful for when you're reeling and have no clue what happened.

Re: the financial issues and shame, my ex often accused me of being "condescending" or thinking she couldn't handle her life. Part of that was just made-up, but part of it is that it's really hard to respect someone and treat them like an equal partner when they're this irresponsible and self-destructive. My only option was to just not talk about "adult" issues with her.

They have such intense shame at their core (it's really the closest thing they have to a sense of self), that there are times when they'll hate you just for being around them. My partner resented my success and resented the fact that I'd been around during all of the exceptionally low points in her life. She just projected her own shame onto me and wrongly blamed me for supposedly making her feel bad about herself.

[Mcbraniff]

@thisagain: Thanks for responding and sharing some of your story here. I haven't really looked on the 'staying' board since I'm now 'post-breakup', but I may check it out at your suggestion. I've been open to finding ANYTHING to help me wrap my mind/body/spirit around this situation.

I don't think they'll be any further communication between us, at least it's not expected as my gut tells me that she's forever bitter with me and is done with me ( given my unforgivable sin of trying to work through her money issues and making her face up to the fact that what she'd been doing up to that point wasn't working for her-she could barely keep her head afloat each month, and was always going on about it). Plus, against my crazy need to still get her back and to defend/explain myself against her last wild accusations of me, I'm trying to go full NC as per nearly everyone's recommendation on these boards AND those in my personal life. It's very hard, but I'm trying to trust that it will be the best, healthiest thing for me, even though right now I can't see light at the end of the tunnel.

I understand about just not talking about the adult issues, as I think that was my approach for a long time, too,  but I got to a crossroads where I needed to address them ( I had asked her to move in with me, I think to show her that I didn't want her to leave and that I was serious about the relationship, etc... ).

As timing would have it, soon after me asking her ( we never did end up living together, btw) she then kept hinting how nice it would be if she only had the $1,800 to buy out her apt. lease so that she could move in with me sooner (laying it on really thick like she was just waiting for me to say ' hey, I'll pay it for you!', and then kept going on about her money woes (also joking that she would have to sell a kidney on Craigslist), and THEN texted me that she needed to ask about another money 'favor'.

I started to feel the 'red flag' going up and I tried to get to the bottom of her money issues, also stating that I didn't want to live together if our relationship was continuing on the basis of me needing to 'rescue' her at the moment, or establishing that pattern going forward,etc. I tried to discuss this as calmly and un-insultingly as possible, but she immediately got defensive and went into a crying tantrum. She even admitted that I was right, that what she'd been doing up to that point wasnt really getting the job done for her, etc... .it would be the last time she'd admit that I was right or had a point on anything. From that point forward it was anger and deflection, telling me everything wrong with me, and refusing to compromise on anything, including a Pre-nup if we were to get married,etc.

I really tried my best to solve/work things out, but it was like hitting a brick wall. She later skewed the facts of our arguments to make it sound like I was viciously accusing her of being a gold-digger,etc., and no matter what I did to further clarify my intent, I don't think it made a bit of difference. The black paint on me will never come off.

[C.Stein]

I fear the black paint will never come off me either.

[JaneStorm]

It seems you are an excellent father by protecting your daughter. Being a good and responsible parent is painful but worth it. Focus on the example you want to set for her.

[JaneStorm]

 I'm sorry you're having a hard time! Those side effects sound nasty. Physical health can have a huge effect on your mental processes.

I'm having a similar delayed-reaction experience. Coming up on a month of no-contact, and two months since the breakup. A week ago I felt like I'd basically forgotten about her, and tonight I'm a sobbing mess. It's helped me to think about what I'm really missing, though. I miss being with someone, I miss the fleeting moments of happiness and connection, but mostly what I miss is the fake relationship we invented together. The cute nicknames, beautiful future plans, inside jokes, etc with really no substance underneath. It was just a fantasy, like we were pretending to be people who love each other and have a close relationship. Because of her BPD, there was very little emotional intimacy and no chance we'd ever have made it to the proposal or the house we were planning.

Did you ever read the lessons on the Staying board? If you continue communicating with her at all, those lessons are helpful to learn effective communication techniques and strategies. Like why it doesn't work to explain or defend yourself. They also have a lot of great resources on understanding BPD, which can be helpful for when you're reeling and have no clue what happened.

Re: the financial issues and shame, my ex often accused me of being "condescending" or thinking she couldn't handle her life. Part of that was just made-up, but part of it is that it's really hard to respect someone and treat them like an equal partner when they're this irresponsible and self-destructive. My only option was to just not talk about "adult" issues with her.

They have such intense shame at their core (it's really the closest thing they have to a sense of self), that there are times when they'll hate you just for being around them. My partner resented my success and resented the fact that I'd been around during all of the exceptionally low points in her life. She just projected her own shame onto me and wrongly blamed me for supposedly making her feel bad about herself.

I love every bit of what you are saying. I have been reading those trying to fix their relationships with these broken and sad people. I was elbow deep myself up until this morning. I also began reading message boards at psychforums.com to see how these people think. It's so freaking sad.

"Sometimes I feel hostile. Not like violent hostile, just... .I get a lot of energy. And I really want to piss people off, get under their skin, start fights... .writing this out makes it clearer to me what a douchebag/piece of $#%^ this all makes me."  :'(

"I have had many instances where I wanted to do something impulsive that could get me killed. To me it's only funny in a hysterical way, like "somebody go get the straight jacket" kind of maniacal laughing. I'm not sure what my trigger is. It's been a long time since someone was too good to be true. I ran out on all those guys. They're probably happily married with children by now."  :'(

"I react very badly to someone not replying to an email/SMS from me in certain circumstances - particularly with romantic partners or potential romantic partners. This isn't rocket science: lack of instant reply = lack of interest = rejection = the feared abandonment actualising = FREAK OUT AND DO SOMETHIING DRAMATIC FIRST TO REJECT FIRST"  :'(

[Should I stay or...]

... .almost 4 months post break-up and I'm feeling your pain... .

she wanted marriage and I had purchased the ring and I'm here writing to you hoping that you're well, I hope you are but I wish I was planning a future with her...

[Mcbraniff]

I fear the black paint will never come off me either.

Major Fist-Bump here!

[Mcbraniff]

It seems you are an excellent father by protecting your daughter. Being a good and responsible parent is painful but worth it. Focus on the example you want to set for her.

Thank You so much for saying that! It's been hard, but I've tried to do the right thing by her every day. I feel that I owe it to her (and my late Wife) to protect her interests at all times, even if I'm in a romantic relationship. I know I did the right thing, but I can't believe that I still 'feel' doubts/regret/depression right now. It's ludicrous! It really must be some kind of withdrawal, right?

[JaneStorm]

It seems you are an excellent father by protecting your daughter. Being a good and responsible parent is painful but worth it. Focus on the example you want to set for her.

Thank You so much for saying that! It's been hard, but I've tried to do the right thing by her every day. I feel that I owe it to her (and my late Wife) to protect her interests at all times, even if I'm in a romantic relationship. I know I did the right thing, but I can't believe that I still 'feel' doubts/regret/depression right now. It's ludicrous! It really must be some kind of withdrawal, right?

Yes; me too. Like detoxing off of a drug is all.

[Mcbraniff]

... .almost 4 months post break-up and I'm feeling your pain... .

she wanted marriage and I had purchased the ring and I'm here writing to you hoping that you're well, I hope you are but I wish I was planning a future with her...

I'm sorry for your painful situation. I'm still a jittery mess, but thank you for your kind words. I hope we BOTH find at least some small measure of relief soon.