The no-win dysregulation

[maxsterling]

I'm pretty sure most of us here can sense when a dysregulation is upcoming.  We know the  .

- increasingly negative attitude.

- obsessing about something

- body language, complaining

And that is what I have been seeing the past few days.  And of course, she wanted to bring stuff up Sunday as I was falling asleep  .  It was the same old thing.  She's lonely. She hates it here.  She claims I never spend time with her.  She hates her job.  We have no money.  I validated and was able to get some sleep, but I knew the issue hadn't resolved itself.

Reality is she spent the entire weekend NOT doing the things that she knows she needs to do.  She felt bad about that.  But instead, it's my fault for not being there to help her do them. 

Monday she got into an argument with a co-worker.  Apparently, it was a heated enough argument that voices were raised, and the co-worker left the argument claiming that W was yelling.  Based upon W's mood the night before, I could have guessed something like this was likely to happen on Monday.  So, I did my best at validating over the phone as she was leaving work.  I anticipated ugliness that night, and was glad to hear that she had a T appointment after work.

I think she comes home upset after T because T reminds her of the things she is not doing for herself.  And she did come home upset.  I was making dinner for her, something she specifically said she wanted, and W was upset... .  She told me she wished I would ask her before cooking something for her.  Then it was about how I don't communicate, that I don't care about her, that I work all the time, that she is so lonely, she hates everything and everyone... .

This nearly broke me.  I started to cry, just felt completely defeated and on the verge of an emotional breakdown myself.  Once dinner was ready, she started eating, told me the food was good, went and got seconds, then thanked me for making it.  Then she became lovey again and told me that I was the only one to cook that kind of food for her.  Yet, no apology.  Instead, she asked me if I thought she was an "ass hole".  Egad.  Total roller coaster for me last night. 

While I feel good this morning that this looming dysregulation came and went, I just feel exhausted because I feel like the whole thing was about nothing, that nothing changed, and the same old thing will happen again.  No matter what I do she will always claim I am abandoning her or that she is lonely.  No matter where we live she will claim she hates it and has no friends.  And the end result of whatever last night was won't bring about any change, and the same issues are still on the horizon.

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[sweetheart]

 

While I feel good this morning that this looming dysregulation came and went, I just feel exhausted because I feel like the whole thing was about nothing, that nothing changed, and the same old thing will happen again.  No matter what I do she will always claim I am abandoning her or that she is lonely.  No matter where we live she will claim she hates it and has no friends.  And the end result of whatever last night was won't bring about any change, and the same issues are still on the horizon.

Hi max,

These words from you are a really important realisation, because for someone with a clinical diagnosis of BPD like your w, this is her realty, this is what pervasive means. For us as the non, this is the place where Radical Acceotance should enter, but even forewarned about a dysregulation it is still immensely difficult to not fight it in the hope that it won't happen.

I can hear in your post just how hard you found the dysregulation, forewarned or not.

It's sounds like you are in a very difficult space max, running on just about empty, as though if this continues it will emotionally engulf you and you will breakdown.

Is there anything more that would help you, given that it is inevitable that there will be further dysregulations from your w ?

[Notwendy]

This is why you need to take care of yourself. Taking care of her is nice, cooking dinner is nice, but it can not fix her. That is her task to fix.

If you do something caring for her, like cook dinner, do it from the heart, not with an expectation. Do it if you wish to, if you can do it without resentment. Then it won't wear you out.

[maxsterling]

I see what you are saying, Wendy.  Cooking dinner was from the heart, that's why it hurt so bad when she complained about it.  it wasn't resentment I felt, it was heartbreak.  I don't care if she said "thank you" or not, what hurt was that I simply felt rejected as a husband.  If it was just a statement that she didn't like the food, I can deal with that.  But doing something out of love and kindness, and having someone imply that I did something wrong just feels so invalidating... .

[Notwendy]

It is hurtful, but it takes some objectivity to find your own happiness in doing something, whether or not she shares it.

You can be happy cooking. I know it is sad that she doesn't seem to see it, but, her unhappiness is hers, your feelings are yours. It's sad to think that you both didn't feel something, but honestly, we have no control over how someone else feels.

It may feel odd to be centered with this, but in time you can be. It doesn't mean you don't care and it doesn't mean you are detached. It means seeing clearly what is yours, and what is hers, and knowing that you can not fix someone else.

I used to cook out of fear. My H expected dinner and I knew that if I didn't cook, the rest of the evening would be him being angry, giving me the ST. Cooking out of fear was stirring a pot of boiling resentment- quite literally and figuratively.

One of the first things our MC told me to do was stop cooking. I was astounded. Surely it would be a miserable experience. She said that he needed to fend for himself in the kitchen. I was terrified.

Once she established that I was not in physical danger from his anger, what she said to me was that I needed to be able to manage my own discomfort in the face of his rages.

I was clearly primed to fall apart if he was angry and do everything I could do (co-dependency) to manage and avoid it. It may have looked like I was doing it for him, but I was really doing it for me- to manage my own discomfort when he was upset. We were that enmeshed. His moods affected mine. Well, as you know, in my FOO, if momma wasn't happy we knew it and NOBODY was happy!

That didn't work well to help my marriage. He isn't my mother, but I was tip toeing around him as if he was. And, he's a big boy, he isn't going to starve, even if he pitches a fit.

Neither will your wife starve. She may throw a fit, refuse to eat, but even a 6 year old can make a sandwich. She can too.

His moods don't bother me anymore. I cook most of the time- because there is nobody else doing it in my house and we have to eat. But if I don't, he can manage on his own and he doesn't get angry. He was not going to break this cycle- who would give up a nice meal cooked for you. But I had to give it up, in order to cook from a different place, a place of willingness, not resentment, and not dependent on his moods. If he is cranky, I can still enjoy a meal.

Its baby steps, not perfection. I think you are heading there.

[flourdust]

I really get what you're saying, Wendy

Family dinner was something my wife and I agreed upon back when she was pregnant. We used to eat our dinners in front of the TV. But we both wanted to break that habit when our daughter was old enough to eat with us. Ever since then, we've had family dinner at the table. (And, like you guys, I'm the head cook.)

Since her BPD really started flaring up a year ago, there have been many dinners where she refuses to come to the table or gets up and storms off at some point. I finally made a little rule for myself. When dinner's on the table, I eat. If anyone else is there, they can eat, too. But if everyone's off having emotional drama, they can eat whenever they get around to it.

Max, I've also been learning to mentally prepare myself to not expect anything from my wife in these situations. If I make a really nice dinner, I try to prepare myself that it's not likely to go according to plans, and I have to be ready not to let her ruin it. I made a holiday dinner a few nights ago -- it was really spectacular, with a crab ball, beef wellington, and hot apple fritters rolled in spiced sugar with cinnamon ice cream. My daughter and I spent the day cooking. I knew the evening could end up with her screaming expletives and locking herself in the bedroom, so I tried to be mindful and live in the moment. I enjoyed every second of spending time cooking with my daughter. I enjoyed setting the table, putting out flowers and candles, and encouraging my daughter as she made decorations. As it happened, it was a nice evening and my wife was pleasant. But I was ready for it to go the other way.

I'm not happy with all the drama, but I'm trying to disengage from it and not let it control my behavior. Also, I like my dinner hot.  

[Cat Familiar]

Max, you sound completely exhausted. You've been doing your best holding it together for years now. Be kind to yourself. It's OK to feel like you're falling apart. I think sometimes as hard as we try to be the strong one, the glue holding all of it together, it's good to take some time to feel our feelings and just acknowledge how hard we try.

I completely understand how difficult it is to always be the rational one, the one who reaches out, the one who tries to make it better, the one who forgives the unkind words, the one who is blamed and accused unjustly.

My situation is much easier than yours, yet I still get overwhelmed, angry, resentful, irritated. They just don't realize what they put us through and then they blame us for less than perfect behavior.

 

[maxsterling]

Yesterday, she was ill and took the day off.  When I came home from work, she had some very kind words to say about the food I had cooked for her the night before.  I started to cry.  W asked me why I was crying, I replied that it felt good to hear what she said.  But I don't think she understands.  The reality is that I felt so hurt and rejected about her being critical of me doing something nice for her out of love, and hearing the kind words just released all that emotion.  I just felt an emotional release from feeling so emotionally exhausted lately.  The tears were of exhaustion and release, not necessarily "happy" tears. 

And then I went to my second job... .she once again hated being home alone.  Uggh.  She stayed in bed and watched TV, but about 15 minutes before the end of my shift, she called and I didn't answer because I was busy - and she called 3 more times... .then texted that this was an emergency.  I called back, and she screamed at me for not answering the phone.  I rushed home to find she had cut her finger, and she was in a complete panic.  It was a serious cut, but not an "emergency room" cut.  She was so panicked that it was very difficult for me to get her to sit still long enough for me to look at it and bandage it up.   I felt exhausted from that.  She did explain that her panic had to do with it triggering past events of her intentionally cutting herself and feeling alone.  I can't relate, but I can see how this led to panic for her. 

With all the negativity of late and emotional exhaustion, I've been having many bad dreams.  Last night, I had a dream that my W revealed to me that years ago she had dated my brother.  I felt so disturbed by this, that I told her that I needed to think about things, and went to climb around on some kind of scaffolding on the side of a building and contemplated killing myself.  I've never had a dream like that before.  Most of my dreams are weird and pleasant, never scary like this.  But the past year or so I seem to have several dreams a week that involve violence, heartbreak, or death.

[Icthelight]

With all the negativity of late and emotional exhaustion, I've been having many bad dreams.  Last night, I had a dream that my W revealed to me that years ago she had dated my brother.  I felt so disturbed by this, that I told her that I needed to think about things, and went to climb around on some kind of scaffolding on the side of a building and contemplated killing myself.  I've never had a dream like that before.  Most of my dreams are weird and pleasant, never scary like this.  But the past year or so I seem to have several dreams a week that involve violence, heartbreak, or death.

Max, you sound exhausted. So sorry you're feeling this way.

My apologies if you've answered this before, but is there a way for you to not have to work two jobs? I understand your wife may not be contributing much income wise, but sounds like you're doing way too much.

My wife has told me many times that she never asked me for all that we have. We're blessed to have a nice home and many comforts in life. However, she tells me constantly that she would rather live in a small apartment with a husband that is present, spends quality time with her and that loves her. She wants "me" not "things."

Quitting your second job may mean having to down size and make some drastic changes. However, you may find that by simplifying your life, your life may improve. Doesn't sound like your wife likes you working two jobs because it takes you away and it sounds like you're emotionally and physically exhausted. Not sure how doable this is for you.

[maxsterling]

The second job serves a few purposes:

- Money.  While we are trending in a positive direction, 2 years without my wife working and me making decisions based upon her promise to get a job took its toll.  Now that my wife has been working for 5 months, this is not as big of an immediate issue.

- Regain control over finances.   I realize now that I can't trust my wife to keep a job.  She tells me she hates it and wants to quit several times a week.  If I didn't have the secondary income of my own, this would stress me.

- Working one job would not reduce stress or increase my free time.  When I didn't have two jobs, my wife would be sure all my free time was spent doing things with or for her.  Quitting now means I would have to be strong with boundaries, which could be stress in the short term that I feel I have no energy for. 

- I actually enjoy the second job.  It is a physical job, and I need exercise.  And I like my co-workers and being out of the house away from the BPD negativity.

[globalnomad]

- Working one job would not reduce stress or increase my free time.  When I didn't have two jobs, my wife would be sure all my free time was spent doing things with or for her.  Quitting now means I would have to be strong with boundaries, which could be stress in the short term that I feel I have no energy for. 

This really resonated with me. My fiance has been encouraging me for some time now to quit my corporate job and work from home (I can probably make a living this way), so we can spend more time together. In a normal relationship this may well be a good idea. I am not so sure in this case. I fear I would become completely engulfed by her demands. Just like you say, she would likely want me to spend ALL my time doing stuff with her. I suspect I would end up with even less free time of my own than i have now. I would need really strong boundaries to ensure this did not happen, and like you, I am simply not sure I have the energy to deal with that right now.

[Icthelight]

Sounds like having the second job does you well. I can see why you have it 

Do what you can to take care of yourself, mentally and physically. Sounds like you're doing so much for your wife and others, don't forget to take care of yourself too.

[IsItHerOrIsItMe]

This is why you need to take care of yourself. Taking care of her is nice, cooking dinner is nice, but it can not fix her. That is her task to fix.

OK, taking a step back... .how do you all communicate this with your pwBPD?

I've told my w her feelings aren't mine to fix, both not very nicely (before learning about BPD) and now hopefully more tactfully. 

She responds with my actions affect her feelings... .makes sense.  However I shouldn't have to change myself so she feels better (or if she's already starting to dis-regulated stating "if you do X I'll feel Y"

So of course what I do can affect how she feels, but she sees no difference between:

• If you have an affair I'll be sad and think you don't want me



• If you want time to yourself I'll be sad and think you don't want me

I see no way to rationally discuss her feelings when she puts the responsibility on me.  Do I enforce a boundary?  If so what kind of marriage am I responsible for if I have a boundary that she can't talk about her feelings?

[Notwendy]

I meant that statement as something to keep in mind for the non. Our tendency is to think that we have to fix our SOs bad feelings and that somehow we are responsible. However we can still be empathetic and listen, and even supportive without jumping in with advice or thinking we have to do something.

It may not be a good idea to communicate this boundary. It is for us. But when someone is confiding their feelings to us we can validate without fixing.

[Notwendy]

I think a job provides many benefits besides money. It can be validating and a social outlet. It also gives the pwBPD the chance to deal with things that they may not do with someone to take care of them for them.

The "spend more time together " request may be out of their fear of abandonment and it may not be an emotionally healthy request to agree to.

[Grey Kitty]

Max, I like your choice to have the second job. It seems very good for you.

However this jumped out at me:

- Working one job would not reduce stress or increase my free time.  When I didn't have two jobs, my wife would be sure all my free time was spent doing things with or for her.  Quitting now means I would have to be strong with boundaries, which could be stress in the short term that I feel I have no energy for. 

Max, please put your energy into boundary enforcement ahead of pretty much anything else.

Taking space for yourself by choosing things to do that your wife won't argue with (too much) isn't the right answer.

The right answer is not letting your wife manipulate you into doing things that harm you in any way. Whether it is guilt, raging, crying, or constant demands.

And that is living up the boundary that you are worth spending time on yourself in ways that build you up, including things away from your wife.