Have you healed after a BPD affair?

[pineapple78]

A quick brief before my questions. My wife whom is my high school sweetheart I believe has BPD, in fact im 200% positive she does, though is not diagnosed as of yet. That is a separate issue and journey that is too much to go into for this issue. About 6 weeks ago I caught her out on having an affair when I found her car parked in his driveway. She told me she did not actually engage in sex and wanted to mend things between us. I told her I wanted to forgive her but it was going to take me time to deal with. Since she has been cold and distant with me most of the time. However just after Christmas I was taking her to the stationary store to get some supplies for her study trip overseas and she held my hand. It was the first time she had shown me any real warmth since the affair business and I felt touched and like their was hope again.

The next day i was setting up her new computer for the trip and transferring her itunes content so she could sync her phone to the new computer when I saw a nude of her flash past when transfering over the photos. I scrolled back and found a group of portraits grouped together as though she was preparing them for a dating site profile (a dating site is how she met affair guy). Photos I took of her from holidays and trips, even our honeymoon. I didn't want to ask her about them because it would only start a fight but I mentioned to her that I had seen them and when she went to explain (lie) I said I didn't want to know. In truth there is just no point anymore as I never know what the truth is. So while doing this I put a copy of files from her phone onto a thumb drive and when she went out had a look to see what the truth was. I found letters she had written to the affair guy whom when he found out the truth that she was still married and living with me and not separated she she had lied about he cut of ties and called me to say he would never have got involved if he had known. Anyway each letter she had written was more obsessive than the last. She even appeared quite desparate in them for him to reconnect with her. They included explicit details of their sexual encounter and how much it meant to her. Explaining how she had never felt that way before etc etc. One of the letters she wrote to this guy that said much she wanted to be with him and that she had separated from me now etc, was written the day before she held my hand. I also found two bios she had written for dating sites. She even wrote in one bio that the last guy she was with told her how great she was at giving head. When she came home I confronted her about it.

Of course the natural BPD response was to blame me for invading her privacy etc etc. As if I had any choice in order to find out the truth anyway. Then she blamed me for ruining things when only the day before she felt happy with me and held my hand. Anyway I know this is all classic BPD. So now she has asked what she can do to fix things. I told her I cant believe anything she says anymore, there are just too many lies. I needed to see by actions that our marriage is the most important thing to her and that she is willing to do what it takes to fix it. I said she should resign from her high stress job and move with me down the coast to our investment property so we can start over. That she could see a really good psychologist down the coast that we both trust and work on this. I told her I don't want her to have to leave her work, but I don't know what else she can do to show me what her priorities are. That if she can come up with some means to show me I matter then its up to her.

Anyway her work is how she has been defining herself and valuing herself. So im not sure if she is strong enough to do this. But I need something, I cant keep mending our relationship, even accepting responsibility for things she does. So when she comes back from the trip I hope to find out what she wants to do.

As for my questions, if you have experienced your partner having an affair and have continued in your marriage can you please give me advice on the following:

1) My wife has always been so precious and innocent to me. She was my first real love, lost my virginity to her and have so much history in our relationship, plus about a decade of marriage. I feel like what she has done has poisoned every good memory I have with her. I feel like if she had died it would be easier, because I could still treasure the memories we shared. Will I ever be able to get back that part that is more than love, but adoration and the feeling that she is so precious and special to me? From your experience can that ever be repaired so I cant think of her that way again?

2) How do I stop the feelings of immense anger and despair im feeling at the betrayal? Any advice on how to stop the images in my head? I cant stop this pain it seems and we all know how BPD's react to someone being disappointed and upset with them! It only evokes anger in defense and them playing the victim where it should be empathy. It seems wrong to me that the partner who cheated if they want to fix the relationship is not wanting to do anything they can to fix the mess and that lack of empathy leaves me feeling like I cant make any headway on resolving my own torment over whats happened. I cant fix what I didn't break but the person that broke it is incapable of fixing it and as much as I want to forgive her, I don't know how. How do I resolve whats happening for me in my own head now? Or can I even or do I have to just live with it and hope it diminishes over time?

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[Notwendy]

I am sorry for your situation. I don't have personal experience with this, however, I have some thoughts on your post. I do have a couple of close friends who have recovered from infidelity. I do not know if BPD is involved. I know that their recovery took an effort on both their parts, skilled therapists, and being accountable for both of their contributions to the issues in the relationship. This is a hard one as the person cheated on should not feel as if they are to blame for the other person's actions. However, in every relationship, both people contribute to the dynamics.

One thing about your post stands out to me, and it is your idea that she should leave her job, that this is the proof you feel you need of her commitment to you. Then you state that her job is a part of her sense of self. I will argue that if she were to give this up, her sense of self and independence would be damaged, and she would come to blame you for that. One reason pw BPD cheat is because of a lack of confidence and sense of self. Taking your wife out of an environment where she is competent, and isolating her with you is something that I think could lead to more resentment and cheating on her part.

I think right now is probably not the time to decide anything. Why? Because you are naturally upset, shocked, hurt, and many other emotions and this is normal. But to decide right now is to be reactive, and react from an emotional state. In general, decisions made from this state of mind are often not the best. Making any decisions about something as important as your marriage is best made from a calmer place. IMHO, I think such a situation requires a skilled therapist with experience with these things. Someone who can help you process these very hurtful feelings and make clear-minded decisions.

I can't tell you if your relationship will recover or not, but from what I have learned, I believe that the best chance of this is through your own recovery from the current situation and the hurts and wounds of your marriage. This will not come from the outside- something your wife does to "prove" the marriage matters to you. it can best come from your own personal emotional growth.  The honest truth is , that even if you took her to a new place, wherever you both go, there the two of you are, and your issues will move with you. IMHO, adding a move, new environment, loss of the support of friends- will only add stress to your lives and the loss of her job will result in her being angry at you. Any personal work you can do for you and your feelings is something that stays with you wherever you are.

This does not mean that your wife does not have a part in this too. She does and I think that you can have expectations of how you wish your marriage will be. However, I don't think that the wishes you have at the moment- which are coming from a place of deep hurt are necessarily the ones that will be the most effective in the long run. A skilled therapist can help guide both of you as to how to proceed. Certainly, fidelity can be one of your expectations and boundaries, but how to implement this in your marriage is something that probably takes objective guidance- someone who can listen to each of you and make sense of your feelings. It may be that one possible way to help is a personal T for you, and a different- neutral- marital T for the both of you. ( and possibly T for her too). For now, seeking someone who can help you with your feelings could be a first step.

[pineapple78]

One thing about your post stands out to me, and it is your idea that she should leave her job, that this is the proof you feel you need of her commitment to you. Then you state that her job is a part of her sense of self. I will argue that if she were to give this up, her sense of self and independence would be damaged, and she would come to blame you for that. One reason pw BPD cheat is because of a lack of confidence and sense of self. Taking your wife out of an environment where she is competent, and isolating her with you is something that I think could lead to more resentment and cheating on her part.

Thanks for your advice though I should clarify a couple of points. Firstly the issue of work is more complicated than I made it sound as it was really background to my questions. My wife is suffering because of her work, it is taking over her life and she is loosing focus for the things that are important and starting to value life almost entirely on how much she makes and rises. She is becoming highly stressed from work and this is exacerbating problems for her.

Secondly your comments about looking after ones self are all true, but my psychologist has been pushing me to value my needs and wants as well, rather than sacrificing my very self for my wifes needs. Our original aim was to move to this place to de-stress our lives and allow us to work on our marriage. This my wife discarded in favor of a pay rise and I agreed to go along with it as always. While what you say is not incorrect, I need to start setting boundaries in our lives and thinking about my needs. Its not wrong for me to say I cant do this anymore, I need you to fix the mistake you made. I need you to rebuild the loss of trust. When she asked me how she could fix it, it was simply an idea I put out there. That it would demonstrate she is invested in our marriage and wants to prioritise that. There comes a point where you have to stop trying to fix the problems a BPD partner causes and leave it up to them. In this case I can no longer trust my wife. There have been so many lies I dont think she even knows what the truth is anymore. I need hope from her and some sign that I am valued in order to go on. Since I cant trust her words I can only look to her actions now. She asked how and I gave the first example that came to mind, but suggested if she had a better idea I would leave it to her, that I just needed to know what the truth was and words were not enough anymore. That all said we are digressing a bit from my actual questions. I'm leaving what happens up to her, but concentrating on what I need to do to try and heal myself. I cant control what she chooses but I asked the two questions because Im struggling with how I cant heal if she does choose to show that I still matter to her. Hence questions 1 & 2.

[Notwendy]

I see your point. But the job is your wife's job, her responsibility, even if it is stressful for her. If you feel that her giving this up is what you need to recover your marriage, then this is your decision to uphold and choice to proceed with. However, if she does not want to give up her job, and you feel she needs to, it could become a line in the sand for both of you, and if you "win" this one - it could be a source of resentment that causes issue later.

It is important for you to have boundaries. I am glad that you are working on a T with this. However, we have to be careful about where we stand on decisions that are in our domain and what is not. Yes, her job stress affects you, but it is her job. Something to think about- and also perhaps something a T who knows more details can address better.

Questions 1 and 2 are your feelings and they are very valid, and painful. But I don't know if healing from them can be determined by something she does- like leaving a job. She could leave her job, but people can cheat anywhere. It is the cheating and lying that is the main issue and that is part of the relationship between you, and the relationship is with you, job or no job.

[pineapple78]

I see your point. But the job is your wife's job, her responsibility, even if it is stressful for her. If you feel that her giving this up is what you need to recover your marriage, then this is your decision to uphold and choice to proceed with. However, if she does not want to give up her job, and you feel she needs to, it could become a line in the sand for both of you, and if you "win" this one - it could be a source of resentment that causes issue later.

It is important for you to have boundaries. I am glad that you are working on a T with this. However, we have to be careful about where we stand on decisions that are in our domain and what is not. Yes, her job stress affects you, but it is her job. Something to think about- and also perhaps something a T who knows more details can address better.

Questions 1 and 2 are your feelings and they are very valid, and painful. But I don't know if healing from them can be determined by something she does- like leaving a job. She could leave her job, but people can cheat anywhere. It is the cheating and lying that is the main issue and that is part of the relationship between you, and the relationship is with you, job or no job.

Im sorry Im really frustrated that this topic now is not going to end up addressing my questions because you have focused discussion on something I said that I feel you have misunderstood and does not address my questions. I have not told my wife to quit her job. She asked what she could do to help and I made a suggestion that we try to make a fresh start by moving. I have not drawn a line or given an ultimatum. I gave a suggestion for something she could do to help since she asked me. I also said to her that I didnt want her to have to quit her job, that it was up to her to decide what she wanted to do about it, but words were not enough for me anymore because of the lies. In my post above I clearly wrote "That if she can come up with some means to show me I matter then its up to her."

This was also nothing to do with preventing possible further cheating as you have raised. I also thought I made it clear in my post that it was about establishing her intentions for our marriage. If someone lies so much, them telling you they love you and their sorry looses its meaning. I need something from her to show she prioritizes fixing things with us. I didnt say I wanted to take her away to another place because it would somehow stop her cheating.

Im sorry if this post comes across a bit grumpy, I dont mean it to. But Im struggling and feel you have decided to comment on an arbitrary part of my post which you have perhaps not read carefully or I had not made clear enough and does not address the questions with which I needed help. Im concentrating on trying to deal with my own issues as a result and asked questions 1 & 2 of anyone whom had been through this because I need help with what Im going through and trying to rid myself of this pain.

[Notwendy]

It is good that you have clarified this and I hope that other posters can add their perspectives and offer any advice that is helpful to you in this difficult situation.

I hope also that you can feel assured that this topic is not derailed, and that other will add their own perspectives. This board is moderated and responses are read by other posters and moderators. I hope that you get some helpful advice.

[flowerpath]

I feel like what she has done has poisoned every good memory I have with her. I feel like if she had died it would be easier, because I could still treasure the memories we shared. Will I ever be able to get back that part that is more than love, but adoration and the feeling that she is so precious and special to me? From your experience can that ever be repaired so I cant think of her that way again?

Hi, pineapple78.   Though I suspected it more than once, I never found proof of an affair; however, I experienced some other painful types of betrayal that overshadowed the good times.  What helped me was to get as clear an understanding of BPD characteristics as I could to make sense of the behavior.  Before learning the specifics of BPD, I could never find a reasonable answer to "Why?  Why would he do something like that?"  It hasn't erased the memories, but it has laid to rest some hurt feelings.  To me, it's hard to adore someone whose behavior is like this, but it's possible to see and admire their good qualities. 

2) How do I stop the feelings of immense anger and despair im feeling at the betrayal? Any advice on how to stop the images in my head? I cant stop this pain it seems and we all know how BPD's react to someone being disappointed and upset with them! It only evokes anger in defense and them playing the victim where it should be empathy. It seems wrong to me that the partner who cheated if they want to fix the relationship is not wanting to do anything they can to fix the mess and that lack of empathy leaves me feeling like I cant make any headway on resolving my own torment over whats happened. I cant fix what I didn't break but the person that broke it is incapable of fixing it and as much as I want to forgive her, I don't know how. How do I resolve whats happening for me in my own head now? Or can I even or do I have to just live with it and hope it diminishes over time?

I've seen several threads here about infidelity.  This is a thread about forgiveness that I started when I first found out about BPD.  The responses were helpful to me, and I still think back on them.

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=229617.0

[Moselle]

Hi pineapple,

I recognise some real pain that you are experiencing from your posts. Sorry that you are going through such a difficult time.

I recognise that you might feel somewhat hijacked in this post, by Notwendy's responses, but this aspect actually stuck out for me too and it has merit. Sometimes posts may seem to meander as people share their experiences. That's the nature of this community and part of how we learn.

Given a choice, ultimatum or even a suggestion, my experience is that the person with BPD will take the more destructive route almost as a rule, and blame the other party for it.

It is such a tightrope you are walking, battling with your own anger, trying to heal and trying to lead the way. I recognise the dilemma you face, and the needs you might have for validation that she will make decisions for the relationship.

The truth is likely that this validation will never come, and the best course of validation will ultimately come from others or yourself. PwBPD generally need lots of validation but give little or none in return, so we need to look elsewhere to fulfil this need. This is hard to accept but is unfortunately a reality.

In response to Q2, I have battled with similar aspects of trying to work out how to stop the anger or the pain. Its taken me two years to understand that we cannot stop these feelings, and when we try to stop or supress them, they usually come out in other ways eg. passive aggressive behaviour and they even start to sabotage our own happiness. The best we can do is embrace them, experience them, try and understand them. There is a book called "The power of Focussing" by Ann Weiser  Cornell which has helped me tremendously in this effort. There are also resources on this site which can help. In particular the concept of wisemind.

https://bpdfamily.com/content/triggering-and-mindfulness-and-wise-mind

You are asking the right questions. Keep it up.  

[Cat Familiar]

I am so sorry that you're going through this ordeal. What makes it worse is that your wife has shown no remorse and continues to lie to you.

I dealt with betrayals like this with my first BPD husband. He did have a sense of guilt, particularly when caught with irrefutable evidence. However, that did not stop him from repeating that behavior over and over with new affair partners.

It's devastating, I know.   

To answer your questions:

1. You will never be able to see your wife in the same way as the young innocent woman you fell in love with many years ago. That does not mean that you can't still love her. What you need from her is genuine remorse and a promise that it will never happen again. (I got that many times, but he didn't keep his word.)

2. You have to feel the anger and despair. There's no way around that. You will eventually work through it, but it's very painful, as you well know. The pain will lessen gradually, and having accountability and a genuine apology from your wife will help somewhat. Likewise the images in your mind will gradually fade, but if you try not to see them or try not to feel the pain, this step will linger. That's not to say that you need to be obsessed about seeing them. You can acknowledge them, and then say, OK, I know you're there and that's what happened, but I choose to do other things right now. The most important thing is to take care of yourself and be kind to yourself.

I'm glad to hear that you have a therapist. EMDR will help lessen the pain as well as certain therapeutic techniques which can help you process this experience from a more distant perspective.

I'm sorry that I can't give you better news, but you're just going to have to feel your feelings. You have every right to be angry and feel betrayed. Because you are.   

[DSTV]

Hey - I can relate up to a certain point. My BPD husbands affair was with a friend of mine that lives down the street from us (who I believe has mental health issues as well). It was 2 years ago and it still is an issue. The truth of the affair came out in stages, so unfortunately, it was 6 months or more and more details until (I believe) the whole truth came out. I'm thinking this could be the same for you.

I was advised to wait 6 months before making any major moves in our lives. No selling our house, no divorce, just hold steady for a bit to get the anger to come down a bit. My husband had remorse over the affair, so I'm not sure if this is the same as your wife, but that helped as he was willing to make changes. That being said, he took 6 months to realize that he COULDN'T keep her contact information in his phone anymore and that he COULDN'T try to track her down to see what was going on from her end of things.

In that time, he was diagnosed with BPD and was set up with a Psychiatrist and counsellor of his own. Once that was in place I found a counsellor for myself that was willing to work with me to help heal my marriage (the first one advised that I leave him and I didn't agree). My counsellor also had to be willing to do the marriage work with both of us as I already felt there were so many people involved and didn't want contradicting paths to healing (this was EXTREMELY important to me). I wanted my personal counsellor to know my marriage, and not just my perspective, when I was there on my own so I didn't have to keep explaining things to someone else and get them caught up with what was happening. My personal counselling has a lot to do with the emotional abuse I live with with my BPDh, so having someone that didn't see him and couldn't address the affects of things during our marriage work wasn't something I wanted. I went on my own to the counsellor for 5 months before he was willing to come with me. but then he came with it being his own choice. Some counsellors aren't willing to work with you if there's someone else involved (my BPDh's counsellor kept him on an exception basis only as soon as he met with our marriage counsellor), so that's 1 question to ask if you find someone to talk to yourself.

What sucks is that I had to show him over and over that I was willing to work on things with him not believing it. And still, after 2 years, he still asks me when I'm going to leave him.

I read 3 books that really helped me over the time... .Stop Walking on Eggshells (to help me with knowing how to deal with a BPD). After the Affair (for guidance - it helped justify my feelings as normal and also showed that making changes in our life would be necessary to move forward) and Boundaries in Marriage (this is a faith-based book, but has great advice for how to set up boundaries and what 'good' boundaries are and how they will make your marriage better).

As for the anger and everything else that is there? It slowly will heal over time. Flashbacks, visions, anger - slowly they seem to be getting less and less. Everything takes time. I hate that, but it's so true.

Good luck with everything and I really hope you can find some peace in this all.

-DSTV

[pineapple78]

Thank you for all those who have been in my shoes and given their advice, particularly Cat who was so concise and honest. I have taken it all on board including reading the posts flowerpath suggested. Consensus seems to be that I will never see my wife the same again, the innocence and seeing my wife that way can not be repaired, and the images of what she has done and said will not go away fully but will diminish. Id still welcome further opinions from those that have been through this especially if their marriage survived.